(Scene: the press box at Wembley Stadium, London. A man wearing a dinner
jacket and tie is sitting behind a boxy microphone. His gaze is not on the
viewer, but rather on the activity preparing to take place on the field. He
speaks in the crisp BBC-standard accent, very quickly and earnestly.)

Announcer: Good afternoon, and welcome to the annual Chickenball Cup Final
between the Knights of the True Fiancee and the Church of Ukyou Acolytes.
This Cup Final will determine who are the greatest Chickenballers of the
millenium, so this is The Big One, and there's quite a lot of excitement from
the crowd here at Wembley.

(The camera pans across a massive cheering throng. Banners are flying here
and there, emblazoned with the faces of either Akane Tendo on a red field or
Ukyou Kuonji on a purple field. We catch a glimpse of a banner displaying
Kodachi Kuno on a black field, but the camera quickly cuts back to the
annoucer, who's a bit startled by the sudden jump cut.)

Announcer: Ah... It looks to be a splendid afternoon's sport today, with the
going firm underfoot and very little sign of rain. And here come the teams
for today's contest!

(Camera cuts to the field. The Knights run onto the field, wearing red and
black striped rugby shirts and black shorts, while the Acolytes' shirts are
purple and white. One member of each team carries a long pole and is walking
up the centre stripe, following an Asian woman in a black shirt and shorts,
evidently the referee.)

Announcer (voice-over): And the captains are meeting in the middle of the
pitch, Kleppe for the Knights, Megane 6.7 for the Acolytes.  Referee
Takahashi is reviewing the rules with them... and now, the coin toss. Captain
Kleppe calls, the coin flies into the air, and... he loses! It's the Acolytes'
ball at the outset, and Takahashi blows the whistle and lobs the ball toward
the Knights' goal....

(The ball bounces unhindered onto the Knights' side of the pitch, and the
Knights run away from it as it approaches.)

Announcer: Desaix scoots away as it gets near him - brilliantly
well-not-played. Now the ball's approaching Talen-kun, and he scampers off
as well. The ball's on a course for the Knights' goal; is it going to make
it? Ah, the goalie scatters away from it, just as it comes to a stop. Who's
going to touch the ball?

Ah, it looks like Captain Kleppe is approaching the ball, circling it at a
healthy distance of three meters... there, he's rearing back with his stick,
he swings... and the ball goes flying over to the Acolytes goal.  Bateman
ducks - my goddess, that nearly took his head off - and the ball bounces
into... no, wait! It's struck the side of the goal and careens off into a
corner of the pitch! Acolyte team players are staying away from it in droves!
Even the captains won't touch it with their ten-foot poles.

(And so the ball sits in the corner of the field, everyone too afraid to
touch it. Cut back up to the press box.)

Announcer: Yes, folks, this is Chickenball. Isn't it exciting?

(He leans in slightly to the microphone, and all at once it becomes clear to
us who he is: John Cleese, late of the Flying Circus.)

Cleese: And now...

(Cut to a scarred beachscape. A scruffily bearded man dressed in rags in
extreme close-up.)

It's Man: It's...


(Music Cue: The Catchy CB Theme, Whatever song you like best....)


LIVE FROM TORONTO, CANADA!!!  IT'S THE SECOND ANNUAL
CHICKEN BALL AWARDS!!!

PRESENTED BY OUR SPECIAL GUESTS....(in alphabetical order)

Alan Harnum  <harnums@thekeep.org>

Andy 'Avatar' Kent  <akent@pdq.net>

Bastion  <bastion@ix.netcom.com>

Bridget Wilde  <wildeman@psn.net>

David 'Fido' Linquist <bgcrisis@rma.edu>

D.F. Roeder  <dfroeder@flash.net>

Donny Cheng  <chengdo@home.com>

Evil Doctor Tofu 343  <343@evildoctortofu.org>

Evil Priestess Kasumi <kasumi@oh.my>

Gary Kleppe <kleppe@mediaone.net>

Hajime Saitou  <smokingman@kensatsu.go.jp>

J. Austin Wilde <wildeman@psn.net>

John Biles  <rhea@ikkoku.maison-otaku.net>

KaraOhki  <karaohki@snet.net>

Kyle Emmerson  <kyle_emmerson@yahoo.com>

Kyosuke Kasuga  <Kyosuke@hugmail.com>

LaShawn Wanak  <shonnie@ync.net>

Megane 6.7  <fcasper@yesic.com>

Ruri Hoshino  <bakabaka@nadesico.nergal.com>

Scott 'Zoogz' Jamison  <zoogz@yahoo.com>

Steven 'Nightman' Cornett  <cornetts@gemair.com>

Ukyou  <UkyouKwnji@aol.com>

Vincent Seifert  <seifertv@ccshp1.ccs.csus.edu>

And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, here are your hosts for this event:
Gary Kleppe and Megane 6.7!


The curtain rises, and Megane and Gary are greeted by spirited applause. Megane
stands clad in full tuxedo, immaculate from head to toe. Gary has on a plain
dark blue sweatshirt and jeans; his hair is sloppily combed, and his face has
that look reserved for those who've just gotten out of bed.

"Look, when you asked me to come down and help out with the Chicken Balls, I
thought I was going to do computer graphics or something," Gary says. "You never
mentioned anything about co-hosting!"

"Hey, don't worry; you'll do fine." Megane does a Joel Robinson-esque take to
the camera. "Oh, hi! I'm Megane 6.7, and this is my co-host for this year, Gary
Kleppe. Welcome to the Y2K edition of the Chicken Ball Awards!"

Applause erupts, drowning out Megane's voice. He waves to the audience, then
waits for it to die down before continuing.

"As has been a tradition at every CB award ceremony -- starting with this one --
my co-host will now deliver the opening address."

He nods to Gary, who blinks several times, staring dumbly at the microphone.
"Um...."

"Don't worry; we got ya covered!" A pair of teenage boys in matching sportcoats
step out from backstage. The dark-haired one hands Gary several typed pages. "We
wrote your speech for you."

"My MSTing team, Hiroshi and Daisuke," Gary says to Megane. The audience
applauds once more. "What did you write, guys?"

"It's a five page essay on why there needs to be more breast jokes in
fanfiction," Hiroshi says. "Guaranteed crowd pleaser."

Gary hands it back. "Thanks, but I'll improvise."

He turns to the camera.

"Welcome to this year's Chicken Balls. There are and have been a lot of
fanfiction awards and such, but there's one thing that makes the CBs unique.
We're in it for the fun of it. It's true that we hope to encourage quality
fanfiction writers -- those authors who take the time and effort to make their
product the best possible, whether it be witty comedy, gripping drama, or any
other genre. But primarily, we're here to enjoy ourselves. And remember,
regardless of the outcome of these awards, who the real winners are: every
writer out there who goes the extra mile to produce fanfiction of real quality,
and every reader out there who keeps the writers going by sending thoughtful
comments. All of you are the reason why we're here."

The audience applauds. As it dies down, Megane steps to the microphone.

"Let's get this show rolling with our first presenter for the 'Funniest
Fanfic of 1999.' He is the author of 'Lesbian 1/2' and 'For Love or Money',
Mr. Donny Cheng!"

The audience applauds as Donny Cheng nervously walks on-stage and
approaches the podium.  *Why did I agree to this? I hate talking to a
bunch of people.* Donny forces a smile on his face. *Remember, think
humorous.*

"Ladies, gents, and those that aren't sure..."

<Polite chuckle.>

Donny hangs his head in shame. *Ack, bombed already.
Mercy laughter you get when they're feeling sorry for how
much of a sap you are.* "...what makes a funny fic? Comedy
is, as we all know, hit or miss, so the following
nominations should be declared on the wanted list...
because of all the hits they've pulled."

A gentle breeze wafts through the room, blowing a rolling
tumble weed across the stage.

*Kill me now. At least it's nearly over.* "And the
nominees are..."

-- "Garden of EVA" by Jim Lazar
Author E-mail: <jimlazar@earthlink.net>
Fic is at http://home.earthlink.net/~jimlazar/anime/geva/

-- "Girl Days" by Robert Haynie
Author E-mail: <Kenjiko2@aol.com>
Fic is at: http://www.sofaspud.org/couch/Ranma/GirlDays/

-- "Nodoka in Love" by Martin Metke
Author E-mail: <exaxxion@balista.com>
Fic is at http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Spa/6332/index.html

-- "Pantyhose Tarou, I Choose You" by David Tai & Alan Harnum
Author E-mails: <harnums@thekeep.org>, <dtai@ix.netcom.com>
Fic is at:ftp://ftp.cs.ubc.ca/pub/archive/anime-fan-works/Ranma/
ranma.pokemon.pantyhose-tarou-i-choose-you

-- "Tracks" by Platypus3333
Author E-mail: <platypus3333@yahoo.com>
Fic is at: http://members.tripod.com/Platypus3333/

"The winner of the Chicken Ball for the funniest fanfic of
the year and has killed the most of you... with
laughter..."

<Uneasy coughing and groaning.>

Some people get out of their seats to get out of the room
for a smoke or hard liquor, even those that have quit for
years.

*Just end it, you idiot!* *I had to try one more time*
Donny, with his ego more than a little bruised, returns to
the audience's no longer rabid attention. "...is *Girl Days*
by Robert Haynie!"

To the surprise of most, a rather stacked blonde female approaches.
She's wearing a well crafted evening gown of blue silk with gold highlights
that shows her figure off rather well.  In fact, it just plain shows.

Donny stares.  "Um... I thought that the recipient was a male?"

Robert sighs.  "Usually, but I was in a discussion about the nature
of Instant Juysenko backstage, and SOMEONE managed to accidentally
mix some Nyannichuan powder into the water cooler, splash me with it,
AND break the water heater at one blow.  I'm just glad that Misato had a
spare gown to lend me.  (Damn... these panties feel funny when you aren't
used to them.)  I hope you're HAPPY, you two."

In the audience, the fabled Dirty Pa-- ah, the Lovely Angels retort,
"IT WASN'T OUR FAULT!"

"You didn't HAVE to chase Happosai into the dressing room.  Anyway...

"I'd like to thank my pre-readers... no, wait, I don't use pre-readers.

"I'd like to thank my parents... no, wait.  they don't read my stuff, wouldn't
understand it, and never saw any anime that they'd admit.

"I'd like to thank my spouse-- no wait, I'm single."

>From the audience, someone yells, "You want to go out later, cutie?"

Robert glowers, reaches into her beaded purse, pulls out a Member
II and blows the hentai away.  "I KNEW it was a good idea to save this
prop from the big crossover bit.  Anyway...

"I wrote Girl Days for a simple reason.  I have seen many very
fine and wonderful fanfiction dealing with the concept of Ranma
becoming a girl, either in mind or dress, for an extended period of time.
>From the controversial 'Thy Outward Part' to the tragic 'Ranma's Curse',
from the deep psychodrama of 'Iris' to the oddly fascinating and truly
poetic 'Fragile Clay', from the strange and fascinating 'Dew On The Grass'
to the remarkable epic that is 'The Sunrise Chronicles', I have read and
enjoyed thoroughly.  And yet, I was... unsatisfied.

"For each and every one of the fanfics seemed to lack
something that means a lot to me...  especially in the world of Ranma..."

Robert takes a DEEP breath.  (Causing, considering her present state and
the low cut of the gown, not a few nosebleeds.)

"DAMMIT!  RANMA IS A COMEDY!  We are talking lethal
watermelon attack techniques, haunted swimsuits, a man who gains
power from underwear, magical mirrors that produce nymphomaniac
copies, people named after UNDERWEAR, deadly onsen races,
exploding food, a man who gets lost in a room with one door, viruses
that make people think they are couples on a honeymoon in Hawaii, a
principal who thins he IS in Hawaii, pandas, and let's not forget that
the hero turns into a GIRL at the WORST possible times!"

Robert looks down at herself.  "I know I won't.  Anyhow... I just
had to get that off my chest."

Donny nods.  "And it's some chest--"

WHAM!

Hefting the mallet, Robert murmurs, "Have to remember to return that to Akane.
Anyhow, if there's anyone to thank it's my readers, and the members of the FFML.
And of course, whoever invented the cheese sandwich.  And DEFINITELY Rumiko
Takahashi for creating a world for me to play in.  Good evening."

As Robert walks away, Gary walks on stage and looks at Donny's
crumbled form.  "Did you HAVE to say that?"

"It was... worth it..."  Donny gasps as a stagehand quickly runs
out and drags him off the stage.

Gary sighs, shaking his head slightly, looking like a teacher waiting for his
class to settle down. "Okay... next?"

"And now...." the announcer's voice booms.  "Here to present
the award for 'Best Sadfic of 1999', the author of 'Breaking Free' and
'A Change of Scene', let's give a tearful welcome to KaraOhki!"

A stagehand carries a tall stool onto the stage, and sets it up behind the
podium.  As he returns to the wings, he passes a small white cabbit with
brown spots.  KaraOhki is wearing nothing (cabbits don't wear clothes,
you perverts!) except a diamond-studded tiara, and is dragging a large sack
with her.  She climbs up onto the stool, and dumps the sack on the podium,
removing her glasses and a piece of paper from it.

"Hello.  I've been asked to present the *sniffle* Chickenball award for
the Best Sadfic.  It takes a special talent to write something that will
move an audience to tears, and the nominated authors all possess that
talent."  (KaraOhki is forced to stop due to excessive sobbing and digs
through the sack, pulling out a box of tissues.  She blows her nose, and
wipes her eyes.)

"The nominees, in alphabetical order according to the name of the story,
are:

A Tale That Wasn't Right, by Axel Terizaki
(ftp://ftp.cs.ubc.ca/pub.archive/anime-fan-works/evangelion/
eva.a-tale-that-wasnt-right)

For You, by Ronny Hedin
(http://i99ronhe.island.liu.se/fanfic/html/fy.html)

Lost Love, by Alain Gravel
(http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Teahouse/2236/main.html)

The Light That Burns the Brightest, by Sean Gaffney
(http://www.thekeep.org/~sean/kno.txt)

The Moon by Lovelight, by Kazama/Allyn Yonge
(http://www.iguild.com/homes/kazama/kikyou/Lovelight.htm)

Waiting For You, by Stiffanie Flores"
(htttp://www.angelfire.com/sd/Ranmafanfic/waiting.html)

Kara starts to wail, and tries to calm down.

"They were all so good!  He died, and she died, and, and, I'm out of
tissues!"

A loud hissing noise causes her to glance backstage, and notice Gary Kleppe
holding up his "GET ON WITH IT!" sign.  On either side of him, Hiroshi
and Daisuke hold up their "MORE FANSERVICE!" signs.  Kara bounces
a carrot off Gary's head and gets on with it.

"The winner is - The Light That Burns the Brightest!  Sean, get up here!!"

A gasp is heard from the audience.  Everyone turns to the source of the
sound, to see Sean jump to his feet, looking totally confused.    He's
looking rather elegant in his simple black tuxedo and leather fedora, but
he's rooted in place.  He stares at the faces in the crowd, and back at
Kara, who looks rather impatient.

Alan Harnum and Matt Lewis, realizing that if they don't do something
Sean will stand there all night, grab him by the arms.  They drag him
onto the stage, and push him toward the podium.  Kara pulls a bouquet
of carrots and the award--a bronze tissue box--out of the sack and hands
both to Sean, accidentally including a soggy tissue in the handover.  She
then backs out of the way.

Sean steps in front of the podium, and sets the award and the carrots
down on top of it.  He allows the soggy tissue to float down to the floor
of the stage, and uses the toe of his shoe to shove it under the podium.

"Um..." Sean pauses, and rubs the back of his neck.  "Thanks to everyone
that voted for my fanfic, and thanks to David and Lara for hearing out the
original idea.  And thanks to Miho Obana and the creators of the KnO
anime, for creating a series that can go from serious to wacky at the drop
of a hat.  I decided to drop mine.  Thanks!"

Sean picks up the carrots and award, prepared to leave the stage, but
KaraOhki pounces on him and gives him a sloppy cabbit kiss on the
cheek.  She is still sobbing.  Sean pries her off, drops her on the podium,
and flees.

"Thank you, Sean.  And presenting the next award will be...." Kara
dissolves into tears, and buries her face in her paws.  A tall bearded man
runs onto the stage, and scoops her up.

"It's okay, partner.  You did fine.  Now go rest."  As the pair disappears
offstage Kara whispers, "Thank you, Fido."

"Our next presenter is for the 'Best Lemon of 1999', she is the author of
'Heart/Home' and the producer of the R&R Reviews, let's give a warm
round of applause for LaShawn Wanak and the stars of R&R, Ranma
Saotome and Ryouga Hibiki!

A swell of music rises as Ranma and Ryoga, dressed in sharp tuxes, approach
the stage from the left. LaShawn, dressed in a forest green wraparound
dress and a tall headscarf (much like what Erykah Badu wore at the Oscars)
perched atop her head, comes from the right, grinning broadly and waving to
the crowd. The three meet at the microphone.

"Thank you, thank you everyone." LaShawn crows, "I can't tell you how good
it feels to be back in the writing business again. Marriage takes a lot more out
of you than I thought."

Ranma rolls his eyes and mutters, "That and she was just plain too lazy to
write." At LaShawn's withering glance, he gulps and rushes on, "And what
better way to start off than at the 1999 Chickenball Awards? Of course, we
would like to apologize for the last time we gave out the awards for '97.
Honestly, we never planned for things to end up like they did. Really."

Ryoga snorts, "Oh, come on, Ranma. It was obviously your fault."

"My fault? How was it my fault?"

"It's *always* your fault!"

"Ahem!" LaShawn coughs politely before any further words are said. "Be it
as it may, we promise not to have any more explosions or accidents or
people popping out of the floor, or whatnot. Right, boys?"

"Right, LaShawn," both boys say, looking sheepish.

Ryoga continues, "Anyway, we are please to present the award for the best
MSTing of a fanfic...."

It's LaShawn's turn to look sheepish as she interrupts, "Uh, actually, we're
not doing that this year."

Both boys stare at her, puzzled. Ranma says, "But...you were planning to
bring back the R&R reviews. I thought--"

"Yes, I do plan to do that. However--"

A spotlight suddenly shines upon her as she takes the microphone in hand,
head bowed. "This past year of being married has taught me a lot of things.
Commitment, compromising, having to share a bathroom, not having a computer
to myself anymore (heck, not having a computer at all since *he* now hogs
it most of the time). But the one thing I've learned most in this one year
of marriage is--" She lifts her head up, eyes all asparkle. "SEX!

"WHAAAAAT?!?!" Ranma and Ryoga chorus.

"Which is why I've decided that we'll present--"

LaShawn suddenly whips off her dress and scarf, revealing her to be wearing
a bunny outfit, complete with ears, tail, and high heel shoes. "The Best
Lemon Fanfic!!!"

"NOOOOO!" Ranma rushes up and attempts to cover LaShawn with his body while
Ryoga struggles to hold back a nosebleed. "Are you nuts? We can't do that!
Akane will kill me! I'm in hot water enough as it is being seen with you.
Put your clothes back on! No way are we doing this! I won't do it! You with
me, Ryoga?"

"Nobe. I wond do id eedder."

LaShawn sniffs, "Who says you were going to anyway? Talking about sexy
stuff happens to be a favorite topic among women. Ain't that right, girls?"

Ranma's eyes pop further from his head as four girls enter onto the stage.

"Sure thing, sugar!" Ukyo exclaims, also dressed in a bunny suit (though
hers is decorated with tiny glittering spatulas).

"Shampoo like sex talk," Shampoo purrs, bounding on the stage dressed in a
pink bikini, cat ears and a cat tail.

"Ah, the sighs, the moans, the gasps...how can I not be drawn in," Kodachi
murmurs. Her dress is the most scandalous of the four, as it is more like a
midnight black dressing gown hanging open enough to cover her breasts.
Fortunately, she is wearing her standard grey leotard beneath, so away, you
Jennifer Lopez lusters.

"RAN-MA!" Akane growls. She is only clad in a dark blue strapless gown that
hugs her curves. She marches up to the hapless boy and snaps, "What makes
you think that I don't like lemons?"

"Er...ah...you calling me pervert all the time?"

"Well, for your information, even *I* happen to like...stuff like
that...every once in a while. Get over it. Besides," A wicked smile grows
on her face and she leans over to whisper in his ear, "Once we get married,
what do think *we'll* be doing?"

Ranma replies by sporting a nosebleed and fainting on-stage, falling next to
Ryoga, who had passed out when Akane had leaned over earlier.

"Aiya!" Shampoo exclaims, "What you say to him?"

"Nothing." Akane straightens. "Shall we get on with the presenting?"

LaShawn winks. "You got it. The nominees for the best Lemon Fanfic are:

"Body Heat" by Axel Terizaki
Author E-mail: aterizak@club-internet.fr
Fic is at: ftp://ftp.cs.ubc.ca/pub/archive/anime-fan-works/
Evangelion/Lemon/eva.lemon.body-heat

"Garden of EVA" by Jim Lazar
Author E-mail: <jimlazar@earthlink.net>
Fic is at http://home.earthlink.net/~jimlazar/anime/geva/

"The Shikima Interface" by T H Tiger
Author E-mail: <schell@interlog.com>
Fic is at: ftp://ftp.cs.ubc.ca/pub/archive/anime-fan-works/
Ranma/Lemon/The-Shikima-Interface/

"A Tale of Ten Yen" by D.F. Roeder
Author E-mail: <dfroeder@flash.net>
Fic is at: http://www.flash.net/~dfroeder/tenyen.html

"Three Sisters' Tails" by Kanomi
Author E-mail: <kanomi@hisnhers.com>
Fic is at: http://anime.muck.com/~sakura/stories/ranma/tst.txt

"And the winner is," LaShawn says, opening the envelope. "A Tale of
Ten Yen by D.F. Roeder!"

General applause follows as Dave Roeder rushes up on stage from his seat
in the audience.  As he comes, he accidently trips and falls, grabbing for
the first thing to break his fall.  Unfortunately, this is Kodachi's breasts.

"AUUUUUGH!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! CREEETIN!!!"

A load of gymnastic pins pound into the hapless winner, and he stumbles
forward, trying to steady himself. Unfortunately, he steadies himself right
on Shampoo's chest.

"EEEEEK!!! SHAMPOO NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL!! TAKE THAT!!"

The poor sod gets knocked forward by a pair of bonbori, and gets his face
planted in the bosom of Ukyo.

"AIIIIEEEE!!! GET OFF ME, YA JERK!!!"

Dave, his face decorated painfully with tiny, glittering spatulas, gets thrown
forward. Fortunately, he falls face first in front of Akane.  Unfortunately, his
hands latch onto the front of her dress. There is a loud ripping sound. Then
silence. Then--

"PERVERT! PERVERT! PERVERT! PERVERT! PERVERT! PERVERT!!!!!!"

WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!
WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!

Finally Akane storms off, growling, "I can't believe Nabiki told me nothing
would happen. I oughta give her a good pounding." The rest of the female
cast follow, dragging the inert male cast behind them.

LaShawn looks down at the now groaning winner and shakes her head.
"Typical. So typical of a male lemon writer." She drops the Chickenball
Award on his head and walks off, saying with a smile, "Hmmm...I wonder what
my hubby is doing...all this action has me a bit...hungry..."

(Somewhere on the north side of Chicago, LaShawn's husband shrieks.)

A few moments later, Dave crawls painfully over to the podium and with
some difficulty, manages to rise to his feet, trying to shake off his injuries
as best he can.  The audience is nice enough to give him a round of
applause for his efforts as he steps up to the podium.

*TAP, TAP*

"Wow! I mean, I'm just stunned!  Ah, let's see. My profuse thanks
to Vincent Seifert for his excellent prereading, discussion
sessions, and pictures of ten yen, heh. I also thank all those
wonderful writers and readers who wrote in with comments or just
a 'thumbs up.' My thanks also to Ranma for allowing to be in
charge of, er, coin, um, place-- Er, never mind.

"My, my. I suppose it's mildly ironic that perhaps one of the
least-lemony lemons--"

A young woman's roar is heard from the back of the audience.
"*THERE* YOU ARE!!!"

Everyone turns around to see onna-Ranma stalking down the aisle
with a full head of steam and a blue battle-aura flickering into
life. People begin edging away from the aisle. She is dressed in
her usual red-and-black outfit, although it seems to be a little
torn and much-abused. Dave bigsweats, but recovers.

"Why, here she IS, Ladies and Gentlemen! The star of A Tale of--"

"SHADDUP!!" A mightly leap lands Ranma in front of the podium.

"ERK!!" Dave presents warding signs.  "Haven't I suffered enough
for one night?!?"

Ranma plants her fists on her hips and glares. "So, Mr. 'Ten
Yen!' How does it feel to win an award for turnin' me into a
PIGGYBANK?!?!?!"

"Uh... Aheh... Um... Good?" Dave begins to edge away from Ranma
as her battle aura expands.

"Oh, SUUURE it does! But not half as good as bein' a walkin'
COIN OP MACHINE!!!"

"Heh, now, Ranma. You *know* getting upset isn't going to--"

"UPSET?! Bud, you don't know the MEANIN' of upset, yet!" Ranma
blurs and vanishes, only to reappear behind Dave, locking his arm
behind his back.

"HEY! That HURTS!!"

Ranma grins ferally and holds up a roll of ten yen coins. "Not
NEARLY as much as THIS is goin' to! MUWAAAAHAHAHAAAAA!!!"

Forcing Dave off the stage, Ranma pushes him back up the aisle,
yelling at him the whole time.

"Got any idea what it's like for someone to walk up, leer at ya,
and ask ya ta MAKE CHANGE?!?!"

"OW! Uh..."

"I got freaks comin' up with treasure maps of my BUTT!!"

"HAHA-- OOF!!"

Ranma pulls her fist out of Dave's gut. "Yeah! Do YOU got guys
comin' up, liftin' yer arm, and then pullin' it back down,
waitin' for the jackpot ta come spillin' outta YOU-KNOW-WHERE?! I
don't THINK sooo!!"

"But, but, but--"

"EXACTLY!!!" She holds up the roll of ten yen coins and giggles
insanely.

Ranma and a frightened Dave disappear out the doors at the top of
the aisle.  The audience stares after them for a long moment before returning
their attention to Gary on stage.

"And now, to present the next award, the Spammer of the Year...." Gary's
eyes drift upwards towards the TelePrompTer. "Uh, Kasumi Tendo?" He
scratches his head. "That can't be right...."

"Oh my! Hello!"

Everyone spins around. Kasumi stands behind Gary and Megane, dressed in
plain white robes.

"Gah!" Gary's eyes widen with shock. "Not *this* Kasumi!"

"How's this Kasumi different from any other Kasumi?" Hiroshi asks with
idle curiosity.

Gary points toward the TV monitor on the wall near the ceiling. "Watch
this film clip."

* * *

"Ka-- Kasumi!? What... what brings you here?"

My stomach tightened as I remembered what time of year it was. Halloween
meant open season on fanfiction authors. But why Kasumi?

"Since I've learned so much in your story, I thought it would be only
fair for me to give you a special technique of your own."

Uh oh. "What do I have to do?"

"Why, nothing! I just need to make a few alterations on your aura.
They'll take effect over time."

* * *

"So you got revenged," Daisuke says. "But a new technique? What's so bad
about that?"

Gary looks up, and the clip continues.

* * *

I got to the stop just as the bus was loading. I jumped on at the last
second as the driver nearly slammed the door on me. Geez, I thought,
what's *his* problem? He didn't even look when I showed my pass.

Then it all made sense. Hey, I may catch on slow, especially before nine
in the morning, but I do catch on.

I tested my idea by trying to attract the attention of the people on the
bus. No one reacted to anything I did. I tried to concentrate, to feel
my "aura", whatever that was. Nothing I did helped.

Not knowing what else to do, I got on another bus and came home. I had
nothing left to feel but frustration. Opening up one of my Viz Ranma
issues, I found a picture of Kasumi. "Come back here and take this curse
off!" I screamed. The picture didn't respond. It was no different than
anyone else.

* * *

"Guys, what does this have to do with *anything?" Megane asks,
irritated. "We're supposed to be presenting 'Spammer of the Year,' not
plugging some two-and-a-half-year-old fic that nobody remembers anyhow."

He nods to Kasumi, and she steps up to the podium. Gary fades quietly
behind Hiroshi and Daisuke, who watch curiously.

The audience claps, then falls silent. "Hello," Kasumi says. She looks
down, then smiles warmly at the camera. "Do you want to get rid of FFML
spam? Sure, we ALL do!" She raises a hand to her lip sheepishly. "Oh
dear. I'm sorry, I have the wrong script. Just a moment."

Rolling his eyes, Megane heaves a sigh.

Kasumi shuffles the pile of papers in her hands, then continues.
"Spammers. We all know how annoying they can be, how much they can
disrupt the wonderful fanfics and C&C that our authors dedicate their
time to. But has anyone ever considered things from the spammers' point
of view? Has anyone ever thought to ask why they do what they do, what
is it that their lives lack?"

The audience murmurs for a moment, then begins to call out answers.
"Money?"

"Traveling Wilbury CDs?"

"Churches?"

"Pork luncheon meat?"

"Spiritual fulfillment?"

"Sex?" Daisuke offers.

Kasumi beams proudly. "That's right! Attention!"

The audience nods. "I knew that," Megane says.

Hiroshi whispers to Daisuke, "You were close."

"For spammers, attention is a drug, an addiction for which the only cure
is cold turkey. I mean that figuratively, not that they should actually
be given cold turkey, though it can make a fine dish when served with a
side of... well, never mind. I digress."

Megane takes the "Get on with it!" sign from Gary and holds it up.

Kasumi clears her throat slightly. "Before I announce the winner, a special
honorable mention goes out to someone who went by the name 'John Slim.'
That's not his real name, but at the request of the FFML administration
we've agreed not to reveal his actual identity as long as he makes no
attempt to rejoin the list. Mister 'Slim' posted the 'TO ALL TYBALTERS A
FLAME FOR YOU' message, making a blatantly false accusation against one
of the former moderators. The list population was so appalled that
everyone and his cousin felt the need to write and post MSTings of his
rant, thus compounding the level of spam even further.

"And now, the winner. The author of so many pointless spam posts, she
was such an overwhelming favorite in the first round that no
second-round voting was necessary." Kasumi carefully digs into the
envelope with a fingernail, making a neat cut across the top, and pulls
out a slip of paper. "And the winner is...." Her eyes widen as she
stares at the paper. "Oh my!"

"What now?" Megane groans.

"Look at that." Kasumi holds up the paper. "I don't see any name written
here."

"That's okay, we know who it is," Megane says. "It's that... that
person... what'sername. Roberta? No, that's not it...."

"Um, yeah, I know who you mean," Gary said. "Um... her. Is she here?"

Megane looks around. "I guess not."

A man in the third row of the audience stands. "She's over here, right
next to me." He turns to the seat adjacent to him; it's empty. "Um...
who were we talking about again?"

"Hey, just a minute." Megane's head turns. "Did you hear something?"

The room falls silent as a ghostly chill blows through. A cry of anguish
prickles against everyone's senses, a voice ear-splittingly loud yet
inaudible. *I'm HERE, you idiots! Why can't you see me?! Why won't you
LISTEN to me?? I'm here! HERE!!!*

"No," Kasumi says. "We didn't hear anything."

"Oh. Just checking."

She begins to walk off stage, then pauses, her eyes fixing on an empty
chair. "Oh, it's not a very tasty dish, I know," she says to no one.  "But
it's important nutrition that a growing girl needs." With that, she steps
out of sight.

There's an awkward pause for a moment.

"Sooo..." Megane says. "Next?"

Gary coughs, and says, sounding a little embarassed: "Uh, well, this is
usually the place where we'd give out the award for Best Fight
Scene... but there's no award being given this year. To explain
why, here's... Evil Doctor Tofu 343, of the Interdimensional
League of Evil Doctor Tofus!"

343 walks onto the stage. He is dressed in a black leather
tuxedo. With spikes. "Good evening, worms!"

A few scattered boos are silenced by 343's terrifying glare,
which seems to glow slightly red.

"I, Evil Doctor Tofu 343, am from an alternate world where all
the Ranma cast you know and love is evil--but I am the most evil
of all. Wahahaha!" He does the glaring thing some more. "I am
a psychopathic, sorcerous, immortal demon who worships Cthulhu
and Bill Gates, and I laughed at the end of Grave of the
Fireflies. You are pitiful beings before my evil might!"

Backstage, Megane grabs Alan Harnum by the collar of his
lumberjack shirt. "You said you could control him," he snarls,
shaking Alan back and forth. "You said he was rehabilitated!"

"I thought he was," Alan says. "Err... sorry."

Back at the podium, 343 laughs. "There is no award for Best
Fight Scene tonight because, like the sad insects you are, NONE
OF YOU VOTED FOR THE SAME FIGHT SCENE TWICE! Thus, so many
fight scenes received equal votes that to include them all on the
ballot was unfeasible; hang your heads in shame, worms! Your
'freedom of opinion' and 'independent minds' has robbed you of an
award for Best Fight Scene!"

Some members of the audience (the younger ones, mostly) begin to cry.
343 snarls. "Silence! Now, witness MY--"

But, lo! A distant barking sounds! 343 pales. "No... no...
not them! It can't be!"

Yet it is! The doors burst open, and a horde of stout-hearted,
heroically rabid wild dogs rushes in in a tide of baying and
mangy fur. The dogs run down the aisles in howling packs and
rush the stage.

343 raises his hand to the sky. "Defend me, my demon army!"

There's a huge fight, and it's all very impressive and all, and
everyone's life is changed, and lots of big cool words are used,
like "eidolon" and "xenolith" and "susurration" and
"tintinnabulation" and "barcalounger", but we had to cut it for
time. Anyway, next award. What? What? Stop looking at me like
that, damn it!


As the mass carnage continues, Megane 6.7 rushes out on stage and up
to the podium.  "And now for something completely different... here now
is an excerpt from an interview that Zoogz did with Scott "SKJAM!"
Jamison and also Scott "Zagyg" Johnson.   We hope this will sufficently
drive you to distraction while we dispose of the bodies and soak up all the
blood on-stage.  Enjoy!"


***


Zoogz: Okay... to the fic.  How does one go about writing a colloboration
[like Ma Vie et Roses]?  Who starts the process and who continues it?

SKJAM: Well, generally, Mr. Johnson sets the scene, and I provide Skyler's
reaction, then he has the main cast react, then I have Skyler react to that,
ad infinitum.

Zoogz: Is this done through email, or a medium such as IM or ICQ?  Also, is
this a one scene at a time production?

Zagyg: Email, exclusively.  We've met a few times in person to plot out a
general direction, but even then we flesh it out via email.  And we
sometimes work on two or more scenes simultaneously, though when we started
out we were mostly doing single scenes, to set up the continuity better.

SKJAM: Sometimes we work three or four scenes at a time, if they don't look
like they'll contradict each other.

Zoogz: I take it the plotting and writing is going much smoother now than
when you started...

SKJAM: Skyler's a bit easier to write, but since the plot is beginning to
deviate, I suspect the plotting is getting trickier.

Zagyg: And now that we've got a status quo set up, we're taking more
definite directions with the plot....

...Zoogz: Well, what is your overall opinion of Shoujo Kakumei Utena?  Both
from the man who saw it and the man who didn't.

SKJAM: It sounds interesting.

Zoogz: Something you have a hard time keeping away from considering the
project you're writing, SK?

SKJAM: Yup.

Zagyg: For my part, it's one of the best anime I've seen, right up there
with, say, _serial experiments lain._  There's depth, there's layers and
layers of meaning, there's twisted characterization, there's kangaroos and
old-fashioned swordfights.  What's not to love....?

... Zoogz: Are there any prereaders you'd like to thank, or is Ma Vie et Roses a
direct-release fic?

SKJAM: Tiamat!

Zagyg: We each have a few of our own... mine are mostly friends from RL and
one or two from the Utena net community.  (Debbie, Martha, Katy, Utena, hi!)

(For the Complete Interview click here )


***

  Spotlights illuminate the stage. Megane and Gary crawl back and forth on
stage, pooper-scoopers in hand. "Er... could someone announce the next award,
please?" Megane asks. "My hands are kinda dirty right now."
  The announcer's voice booms, "And now, presenting the award for 'Best New
Character', is Scott 'Zoogz' Jamison... wait up."
  The announcer pauses in mid-announce as it seems he is conferring
with the other members of the booth above the main seating area.  The
microphone continues to work, and the low whisper of control room
murmurs carries over the crowd.
  "Sorry about that pause, ladies and gentlemen... let me do that
again.  Here, to present the award for 'Best New Character' is the
author of 'Sauce' and 'Ma Vie Et Roses', SKJAM!"
  The crowd starts to applaud as a man walks onto the stage from the
right.  He sports a black suit with a deep blue shirt and blue satin
bow-tie at the collar, and has longer hair and a beard.  He walks up
to the microphone and announces, "Due to a few technical
difficulties, the presentation of 'Best New Character' will be
delayed for a short spell.  Bear with us and we should have the
problem worked out in a jiffy."  He turns toward the backstage area
and inquires, "Would someone like to help me out here?  Preferably
armed?"
  "Count me out!  I'm presenting in a few minutes and I don't want
to get... oh well!"  Steve "Nightman" Cornette says from offstage.
"Not to mention I have to co-host with Ran from UY.  My fetish for
dangerous redheads is going to get me killed one of these days!"
  "Get out here!"
  "Okay..."
  Another man enters the stage area in a blue suit.  However, the
heavy blunt instrument in his right hand draws more attention.  Both
jump off of the stage into the crowd area, and start to run up the
aisle towards the back.  After a couple seconds, the sound of a door
closing echoes through the hall.  Then the announcer's microphone
blares to life, despite the fact that it is covered again.
  "Now look," says the man in the black suit, "I am not, nor ever was
SKJAM.  I would think he is more than smart enough not to use his own
name to create a pseudonym!"
  "But that's what the card says.  Scott Jamison."
  "There is a *nickname* that goes along with that.  Now, I heard you
say it the first time...."
  "I'm just following what I'm supposed to say."
  A long sigh sounds over the speakers outside, and then someone
searching in a pocket.  "Okay, if you want proof then here's proof.
I had to fly all the way from Japan to be here tonight to help Megane
6.7 out.  And to boot, the Canadians harassed me at customs!"  The
speakers fell silent for two seconds.  "Here is my passport.  It will
show that my name is Scott Jamison, and that I don't live in
Minnesota."
  "Maybe SKJAM! just wants to hide his presence."
  "Nightman... get him."
  The crowd is treated to the sounds of a struggle.  The microphone's
source of muting seems to slip every now and again, and as a result
many unusual sounds broadcast over the hall's sound system.  After
the ruckus, a call comes from the booth, this time in a different
voice.
  "Meg... might you be able to introduce our violent friend here?"
asks Steven.
  From the backstage comes a small clatter and then Megane 6.7 pops
up from nowhere.  "Nabiki didn't have to charge *that* much for the lava soap...
Anyway, who we *really* have to present the award for 'Best New Character' is
Scott 'Zoogz' Jamison!  A warm round of applause for the announcer he
and our next presenter Steven Cornett just beat on too!"
  The crowd claps as the two men stride back to the stage.  The man
in the black suit straightens his bowtie, and the other man looks a
bit disheveled but wears a large grin.  As the two men arrive to
stage they shake hands.  "Remember, you still owe me C&C," the one
with the club admonishes as he retreats off-stage while the one with
the black suit and beard marches to the podium.
  "Well, at least someone can get it right.  Anyway, folks, I am
Scott 'Zoogz' Jamison, not to be confused with the man who writes the
revengefics.  And you're stuck with me.
  "Anyway, Megane 6.7 asked me to present the award for 'Best New
Character' at these awards, and that spurred me to reread some of
these works, some of the best fics that I've seen lately.
  "However, we're here to salute these stories for the characters
they created.  They run the gamut from the hard-shooting and hard-
talking Tracer to Skyler Sands' incredible record of bumbling.  Here
are the characters that were most-liked, and therefore nominated for
the 'Best New Character' award!
  "In alphabetical order... because I'm too lazy to do anything else:

-- Akiko Langley Ikari from "HERZ" by E.L. Toh
Author E-mail: <teloong@cwcom.net>
Fic is at: http://www.teloong.mcmail.com/HERZ.htm

-- Akira from "Nature of the Curse" by Douglass MacDougal
Author E-mail: <dougmacd@dougmacd.net>
Fic is at: http://www.dougmacd.net/

-- Anjin Tetsuko from "Last One Standing" by Mike Loader
Author E-mail: <mike@thekeep.org>
Fic is at: http://www.thekeep.org/~mike/los.html

-- Caravan by Matt Johnston
Author's E-mail: <matt2518@gladstone.uoregon.edu>

-- Chrysolite from "Version 2.0" by Mark Latus
Author E-mail: <mark.latus@msvu.ca>
Fic is at: ftp://ftp.cs.ubc.ca/pub/archive/anime-fan-works/
Sailor-Moon/Sailor-Moon-Expanded/sm.sme.v2.0-parts1-8.gz

-- Cyanide from "Eclipse of the Moon" by Miashara
Author E-mail: <s2mlmill@titan.vcu.edu>
Fic is at: http://www.execulink.com/~stryker

-- Skyler Sands from "Ma Vie et Roses" by Scott Jamison & Scott Johnson
Author E-mail: <majks@cyberx.com>, <zagyg@io.com>
Fic is at: http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/5990

-- Tracer from "Terrible Things to Waste" by Bastion
Author E-mail: <bastion@ix.netcom.com>
Fic is at http://solo.abac.com/moonromance.com/b.htm

   "And the grand winner...."  Zoogz opens the envelope provided and
pulls out a piece of paper. "Is... Akiko Langley Ikari from 'HERZ' by
E.L. Toh!"

  Zoogz cedes the mike for the first time in two minutes and returns
backstage to confer with Steven for a couple seconds as Ayanami Rei,
resplendent in a lilac evening gown and pearl necklace, rises from the
audience and walks up to the podium.

"I am the thirtieth-fourth and I accept this Chicken Ball
Award on behalf of my employer. Though he is unable to be
physically present at this ceremony, he would still like to
say a few words," says Rei XXXIV. She then places a small device
on the podium which projects a hologram of an ominous black
monolith. Hanging three feet above the stage floor, it is
emblazoned in red letters reading 'E.L. Toh - TEXT ONLY.'

"Is this thing on?" booms the monolith.

"Yes," replies Rei XXXIV in her usual monotone.

"Oh. Err. Okay. I'm a little surprised to win this since
Akiko was a relatively minor character in HERZ. I guess people
like the idea of Shinji and Asuka having a bright and thoroughly
kawaii child.

"Anyhows I'd like to thank Andrew Huang, the grand old man of
Eva fanfiction, for all his encouragement. Never could have gotten
started without the inspiration of his writing and his kind words
of advice.

"Thanks also to Joyce K Wakabayashi for sharing her thoughts
and being an immense help in getting my female characterization
sharpened up. To Alain Gravel and Jonathan Wang for their
unstinting support. To Jerico Mele and David Johnston of the FFML.
And to all those who emailed and voted for Akiko and HERZ. Thank
you all. Yipee!!! You know the great thing about these monoliths
is that no one can see you do a silly dance of joy."

Rei XXXIV sighs imperceptibly.

"Oh yes, and my gratitude also goes out to Alan Harnum for
correcting my name on the voting scripts. Ethnic Chinese people
have our family names in front, unless we have Christian names.
So sometimes we get addressed by the back end of our given names.
All very irritating. When I finally conquer the world, the first
thing I will do is to decree that surnames will be put in front.
On pain of death. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"You are embarrassing me," states Rei XXXIV flatly, "I do not
believe that is included in my job description as bodyguard."

"Awww Rei, please don't be mad," grovels the voice from the
monolith, "I'll give you a raise. And cook you a nice dinner."

"Do I get to keep the dress and necklace?"

"Yes."

"Umm. Okay."

With that, Rei XXXIV picks up the comms projector and makes her
exit via the backstage. She has a faint air of triumph around her
as the monolith trails after her like a puppy.  Meanwhile, Gary walks
back out on-stage to announce the next presenter.

"Well folks, you've seen the best, it's only fair that we now present the
category for 'Worst New Character'.  And here to present this category
is the author of 'Ran's Fanfic Theater' and 'Ryuunosuke - Daughters and
Their Mothers', Mr. Steven Cornett!

"Here comes trouble..." a male voice interjects as its owner
crosses to the podium from stage right. The man, Steven Cornett,
wears a blue suit and sports jacket with burgundy tie accented by
a diamond tie tack.

"...and make it a mint chocolate chip! Yum!!!" a lilting
female voice answers. The redhead who just botched the comeback
line, Ran as it turns out, approaches the podium from stage left.
She is dressed in a dark green one-piece, and is wearing a
noticeably large emerald at the bottom of a silver necklace.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed the pleasant
presentation of Best New Character..." Steven begins.

"Because now we share with you the *pain* that is the Ruri:
the Chicken Ball award for *Worst* New Character!" Ran concludes.

"Yes, indeed. Ran and I are here to award that...dubious
new character whose traits are too perfect, whose flaws are non-
existent or way to cool to be believed, or is in some way utterly
annoying."

"That character whose actions scream from the page...
'Mary Sue!'" Ran interjects.

"Fanfic readers from around the world have voted on the
new character that most irks them. They didn't have to dislike the
fic, but if they loved the story, it was in spite of, not because
of the character."

Ran takes out the paper with the list and announces the
"lucky" nominees as the drum rolls. "The nominees are:"

"'God' from Matthew Maddocks's 'Baneful Revelations.'" Steven begins.
Author E-mail: <maddocks@roadrunner.nf.net>

"Jake from Paul Cousins' 'Bubblegum Blade,'" Ran announces.
Author E-mail: <paul_cousins@sdf-1.com>
Fic is at: http://www.crosswinds.net/~meridun/FFML/
BubbleGum_Blade_Chapter_One[Format_Problems_Fixed][FFML][REPOST].txt

"Lisa Foster from Guant's 'Cruel Lina's Thesis.'"
Author E-mail: <evansjt@interlog.com>

"Fujiwara-sensei from Bert Miller's much a-done 'Much Ado
About Ranma.'"
Author E-mail: <bertmiller@unn.unisys.com>
Fic is at: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/Much-Ado-About-Ranma/

"And another possible vote getter for the Eva block, D.J. Croft from
Ben Hutchins' epic 'Neon Exodus Evangelion,'" Steven continues.
Author E-mail: gryphon@eyrie-productions.com
Fic is at: http://www.eyrie-productions.com/

"And finally," Ran concludes, "Foam from Trakal's war fic,
'Tortured Echo.'"
Author E-mail: trakal@map.com
Fic is at: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/Lemon/ranma.lemon.tortured-echo

In true team style, Steven hands Ran the envelope with the
recipient's name. Ran opens it, reads it, then shouts, "And yet
another win for the Eva block... D.J. Croft from 'Neon Exodus
Evangelion!'"

The audience goes wild!  Catcalls and other loud noises
greet D.J. as he bounds down the aisle and steps up to the stage
to receive his well deserved award!

Steven greets the British protégé of Wesley Crusher as
he hands him the chrome statue of Ruri (from Nadesco) in profile
with eyelid pulled down and tongue out in the classic "Bee..dah"
pose! "All I can say is: once your name was in the list of final
nominees...well, that was that!"

"Well I do say this is a great honor. Quite a tribute to
the years of entertainment I've given my reading public..." the
overly-precocious adolescent begins as he turns an appraising eye
to Steven's co-host, "to say *nothing* of the pleasure I've given
to members of the, shall we say, fairer sex."

D.J. approaches Ran as he continues, taking a moment to kiss
her hand. "You, love, with eyes the color of the darkest burgundies
of France, and hair of a loveliness that exceeds even that of my
dearest Asuka... you are a beauty that matches even that of the green
hills of Britain."

He hardly notices that his attentions are having the opposite
effect than intended, and even fails to notice Ran's whispers of
"Sekebe freak!"

"My," Ran begins with fake breathlessness, "I'd love to
continue this but our time runs short. Perhaps we can continue this
backstage...?"

She points stage right and starts on her way, D.J. eagerly
following.  Steve watches until Ran gives a swiping gesture across
her throat, unseen by the youthful paramour.

"You know what I said about that moment of pain?" Steven
concludes before exiting stage left, "I think 'merry ole' D.J.
Croft's... is *about* to begin!"

In the moments before the next presenters arrive, a soft
sucking sound of D.J.'s youth being siphoned off can be heard. A
short monk sitting next to Megane 6.7 intones between sips of tea,
"Such an unfortunate, arrogant, and lecherous lad... reminds me of
Ataru. Oh well, this is fate!"  The audience laughs as Gary steps
out on-stage to announce the next presenter.

"And now, here to present the award for "Sickest Fanfic of 1999'' is
the author of  *A Tale of Ten Yen* and *The Accidental Goddess*,
Let's give it up for D.F. Roeder!"

A tall, bearded man limps on-stage, still bruised from his earlier encounter
with the lovely ladies of Ranma 1/2.  He is wearing a black plastic tuxedo and
pushing a three-foot cube of solid wood on casters. He stops, kicks the locks on
the wheels down, and stares glumly out at the audience for a second, his left
eye ticking. Shaking his head, he walks back offstage. Murmurs run rampant among
the authors, family, and friends gathered for this important occasion.

The man reappears, now pushing a cloth laundry basket. The basket
is positioned next to the wooden cube. He reaches into the basket
and pulls out a large wooden mallet, "Tendou Nabiki Enterprises,
Inc." clearly emblazoned on the head. He sets the mallet down on
the cube and steps up to the podium, taking a sheet of stained
paper from his inner coat pocket.

He opens his mouth to speak, but gags. Setting the paper down, he
reaches into another pocket, retrieves a bottle of Kaopectate,
and downs the contents.

"Aaah. Better."

Throwing the empty bottle over his shoulder, he picks up the
paper again.

"Good... *urp* Evening. My name is *urp-urp... bleah* Dave
Roeder, and I am presenting the Chicken Ball... Oog. Just the
thought of chicken balls makes me ill on top of the nominees. Oh,
gomen. Anou..."

Gary Kleppe runs onstage and hits Dave on the back of the head
and runs offstage, never really stopping but waving merrily and
screaming, "Enough with the gratuitous Japanese already!"

Silence, as Dave's left eye ticks furiously, then, "Um... I am
presenting the award for the Sickest Fic of 1999. The nominees
are:

-- "Christmas at SubZero" by Jodie Williams
Author E-mail: hentai@prowrestling.com
Fic is at: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/Lemon/ranma.lemon.christmas-at-subzero

-- "Furimbine: Ukyou Goes Postal" by Yoru-Hikage
Author E-mail: yoru@mindspring.com
Fic is at: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/ranma.furimbine-ukyou-goes-postal

-- "Garden of EVA" by Jim Lazar
Author E-mail: <jimlazar@earthlink.net>
Fic is at: http://home.earthlink.net/~jimlazar/anime/geva/

-- "Kanashii no Imi" by 'Leaf-chan'
Author E-mail: leaf_chan@excite.com
Fic is at: http://www.crosswinds.net/~meridun/FFML/
Kanashii_no_Imi[FFML][Fanfic][Tenchi][Dark][Lemon].txt

-- "Pokejoint" by C-dogg
Author E-mail: Bigc123485@aol.com
Fic is at: http://www.crosswinds.net/~meridun/FFML/
Pokejoint[FFML][pokemon][spamfic][revised].txt

-- "Riding the wild horse" by Mike Simmons
Author E-mail: msimmons@bcgroup.net
Fic is at: http://ronin.anime-manga.net

-- "Ruxpin the metal Idol by Aaron Sattuck
Author E-mail: dilandau2@hotmail.com
Fic is at: http://www.crosswinds.net/~floot

-- "Tortured Echo" by Trakal
Author E-mail: trakal@map.com
Fic is at: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/Lemon/ranma.lemon.tortured-echo

Elder Cologne pogoes out on her staff, wearing a slinky evening
gown and lots and lots of candy-apple red lipstick. In her claws
rests the envelope to announce the winner. A rumble rises and
falls from the audience, as several hundred stomachs gurgle in
protest at the scene before them.

Both eyes ticking, Dave cautiously reaches forward and snatches
the envelope from the ugly little gnome's claws. He breathes a
huge sigh of relief.

Cologne jumps down from her staff and bows to the audience.
Everyone can see down her dress.

"Oh, god..." "Ewww..." "Aw, maaan. I just ate..."

Cologne straightens, much to everyone's relief. "Thank you all! I
love you just too, toooooo much!" She trundles offstage, blowing
huge kisses.

The sounds of retching can be heard from various points on- and
offstage.

Dave collects his meager wits and several jerking body parts into
a semblance of decorum. "On that... *urp* note, the winner is..."
He looks at the paper and nods. He places the paper gingerly on
the podium and walks over to the large, wooden cube and laundry
basket. Dave picks up the mallet and then rummages in the basket,
pulling out a Teddy Ruxpin talking toy and setting it on the
block. Dave is little more than a collection of ticks, jerks, and
tremors at this point. Frothy spittle runs down his chin.

"The winner is..."

*BAM!* Bits of fake fur, plastic, metal, and assorted red fluids
for effect spew out and rain down on the audience.

"'RUXPIN, THE METAL IDOL', BY AARON SHATTUCK!!"

Another toy is set on the block.

"BaaaAAAD TEDDY!!"

*BAM!*

"HAAHAHAHAAAA!!!"

Another.

*BAM!*

"NONONONOOOO. I AIN'T GONNA BE *YOUR* FRIEND!!!"

Another.

"EAT *MY* HEART, WILL YOU?!?!"

*BAM!*

Four chains arc down from the catwalk area and wrap tightly
around Dave, who continues to try to smash another toy.

"HAAAAHAHAHAAAA!!! NONONONOOO!!! BAAAD TEDDY!!!"

Mousse jumps down and ties the chains off. With a salute to the
audience, he flings a single chain back up into the catwalks and
pulls himself out of view. There is scattered applause.

"I'LL GET YOU, TEDDY!!" Dave hops over to the laundry basket,
bends over, and then straightens with another Teddy Ruxpin held
in his teeth.

Fortunately, Ranma, leading Ryouga, run on-stage, pick Dave up,
and haul him into the wings. Dave screeches until a loud, meaty thud
is heard, and then everything grows quiet

Soon the crickets in the audience go wild as absolutely no one rises to
receive their due recognition. Gary hastily makes his way out onto the
stage and scans the rows of faces for the telltale signs of guilt, but only
encounters looks of confusion, boredom, and a disturbingly intense desire for
"Honey Combs" cereal. He scratches his head and checks his watch, making a
mental note to flog someone for that last product placement.

"Well, I guess Aaron isn't-"

"Hold on!"

A small gnome scrambles onto the stage, his face marked red from the
effort of the climb. He wears a dress made of credit cards (three, to be
exact) and a long chain, which runs from a collar on his neck to the
unseen depths of the crowd below. Gary looks down at this unexpected
arrival for a few seconds and then with a shrug, bends to place the award
on the ground beside him.

"Hey, folks," says the little bearded man. "Chippy the Transvestite
Gnome, here. I'm afraid I'll have to accept this on Aaron's behalf, as he
has recently nailed himself to his seat by his wrists and ankles."

"I'm Jesus!" screams a voice from the crowd. "I'm Jesus! I'm Jesus!
Hey Chippy, tell them about how I'm Jesus today!"

Chippy scowls, and shudders noticeably.

"Yes, that'd be him. Anyhow, as long as I'm here, I think some
recognition is in order. You see, although Aaron wrote (and I of course
use the term loosely) the particular piece of fiction which earned this
honor, he alone cannot take credit for it. No friends, that claim is one
that also belongs to you. Yes, all of you. For you see, you allowed this
to happen. Rather than putting a stop to what you must have known was
wrong (so very very wrong) you, much like the people of Germany during the
period between 1933 and 1945, simply allowed the horror to take place. By
letting him inflict it upon the world, each and every one of you is as
responsible for 'Ruxpin: The Metal Idol' as that bleeding lump of white
trash that now sits amongst you. And for that, you deserve absolutely
nothing but abhorrence and scorn. Oh yes... and this award."

After several failed attempts to lift the statuette, Chippy resorts
to dragging it off the stage. There is little applause.

"I'm Jesus! I'm Jesus! Oscar can be the Holy Ghost if he wants, but
I'm-Hey! Jesus never had a gag! He had a crown of thorns and stuff, but
not a gag! Why're you mrgglmrphmpmfft!"

The applause improves considerably while in the audience, Vince Seifert
shakes his head. "Poor Dave.  He read that one story and just lost it
completely. Oh, well." He spies Douglas MacDougall seated a ways down
from him.  "Hey, Doug. Can you pre-read for me?"

Meanwhile, the announcer's voice booms again.  "And now to present the
award for 'Best Fanfic of 1998', here is Megane 6.7!  Yayyyyy!"

The CB band strikes up the bouncy theme to Pumaman as Megane
makes his way to the podium, accompanied by the Dominion Puma Twins.
There are a number of loud wolf whistles and cheers as the twins are clad
in matching crushed velvet low-cut dresses with a see-through black fabric
covering their ample chests.

Megane wraps an arm around both their waists as he exclaims in
an exaggerated game show-esque voice, "BIG MONEY! BIG PRIZES!
I LOVE IT!!!"

The Puma Twins giggle as Megane arranges a couple of note cards
before starting his speech.

"As you know, last year I was unable to do a Chicken Ball Award
ceremony for 1998 due to a very busy semester of college, some RL stuff that
kept me busy and distracted, and because the last awards, while fun, took a
great deal of work and a lot of late nights to put together and when it was
finally done, I was simply burned out...."

"Wuss!" a voice calls out from the audience.  Megane smiles and nods at the Puma
twins who both proceed to crack their knuckles and then simultaneously leap
across the orchestra pit and over the heads of the surprised audience members to
land on either side of the offender.  They each grab an arm and drag him off to
the back of the theater where the sounds of a severe beating and anguished
screaming are quickly silenced by a series of loud snapping noises.

The audience applauds nervously as Anna and Uni Puma both walk back up the aisle
and up onto the stage to resume their places at Megane's side. "It's good ta be
da host...."  Megane remarks in his best Brooksian Brooklyn accent before
resuming his speech.

"I realize that a single award will not be enough to honor all the fanfics
written in 1998 that deserve to be recognized and honored for their individual
achievements, but it is my hope that that when you see the nominees for this
award and read their works, that it will encourage you to seek out others
written in 1998 and further back and help keep the memory of those fics alive in
the readers' minds."

Megane moves aside to let Anna Puma take the mike.  "Here, now,
are the following nominees for the Chicken Ball Award's 'Best Fanfic of 1998'
....

-- "Hearts of Ice" by Krista Perry
Author E-mail: <kperry@aros.net>
Fic is at: http://www.akane.org/heartsofice.html

-- "Ranma & Akane: A Love Story" by Eric Hallstrom
Author's E-mail: <hallcon@mindspring.com>
Fic is at: http://www.kawaiikunee.com/slp/R&A-ALS.html

-- "Slayers Reflect/Chaos/Rebirth" trilogy by Stephan 'Twoflower' Gagne
Author E-mail: <twoflowr@ikkoku.maison-otaku.net>
Fic is at: http://spoof.maison-otaku.net/

-- "Stellarcraft" by Eric Warner
Author E-mail: <evwarner@anet.bna.boeing.com>
Fic is at: http://www.aaanime.net/pmak/ukyou/fics1.shtml

-- "Waters Under the Earth" by Alan Harnum
Author E-mail: <harnums@thekeep.org>
Fic is at: http://www.thekeep.org/~harnums/wue.html


"And the winner is...."  Anna slowly begins to open the letter,
only to have Uni grab it from her.  "Hey, it's my turn to do something!"
Uni snarls as she tears open the envelope and is about to announce
the winner when Anna snatches it back and quickly speaks into the
microphone.  "The winner is... ACK!!!"  Anna screeches as Uni suddenly
jumps on her back, pulling her hair and trying to scratch at her eyes.

"H-hey!  Take it easy!  This isn't the time or place for this!"
Megane exclaims as he tries to reason with them, to no avail.  Anna
frantically tries to shake her sister off, spinning around in a circle and
bucking like a furious bull with a cowboy on its back.  Megane takes a deep
breath and wraps his arms around Uni's waist, trying to pull her off, only
to find himself being tossed around at will.

"W-whoa!  Y-you're gonna get us killed!  STOP!!!"  Megane protests as Uni
refuses to relinquish her grip.  Then Anna moves a little too far forward and
all three of them scream as they fall headfirst into the orchestra pit with a
loud crash, sheet music flying around everywhere.  The crowd instantly breaks
into a thunderous chant of ECW! ECW! ECW! as the sound of abused band
instruments and ripping of clothes is drowned out.  Then a pair of hands, one of
them holding a piece of paper between its fingers, grips the edge of the pit as
a disheveled and disoriented Megane pulls himself out of the pit and stumbles
over to the podium.  Taking a moment to fix his shredded tie, he glances at the
piece of paper in his hand and says:

"And the winner is...."  Megane pauses for a moment to spit out a tooth.
before continuing "...is the "Slayers Reflect/Chaos/Rebirth" trilogy by Stephan
'Twoflower' Gagne!  C-Congratulations!"  Megane wobbles for a moment as he
adds:

'By the way, could someone please call... an ambulance?  I seem to be...
bleeding internally...."  is all that he can get out as he collapses on the
stage, twitching.

In a fit of absolute excitement, Twoflower explodes.

Wait!  That's not entirely true.  No, in actuality, in a fit of absolute
excitement, he makes a beeline for the stage, bounds up the stairs six at a
time before realizing there are less than six stairs and falling flat on his
face ONLY TO RISE ONCE MORE and jog right to the podium and avoid
stabbing the microphone up his nose, for that would just be kind of silly.

Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne clears his throat, takes out the sixty seven
page bound acceptance speech he prepared, and begins to speak.

"I'd like to thankEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE----"

He pauses, and waits for the feedback to clear.

"...right.  Anyway!  I'd like to thank my readers, first, foremost, and
in most prominent status.  I've never really subscribed to the 'art for art's
sake' theory... I write for an audience, and the more they're entertained,
the more I've succeeded.  All the letters, the feedback, the posts to the
fic's message boards and so on... I've loved it all, and it's what kept me
going from the apparently award winning Reflect right through Chaos,
ReBirth, and Demiurge.  THANK you all!  The free ice cream and heroin
will be made available behind the building after the show in return.

"Next, I gotta thank the Improfanfic rocksteady crew, word homey dope
fresh G.  A more chaotic, crazy, and above all scarily interesting bunch of
people you will never meet.  Thanks go out to my sister, John Biles, Lee
Thompson, the Keep gang, and all sorts of others for encouragement and ideas.

"Finally, I've got to thank the fanfic community at large... I'm glad to
see a rise in non-Ranma fanfic, in experimental forms of fanfic, and other
great innovations.  I highly encourage other authors to just GO for it -- no
matter how weird, no matter how non-standard, no matter how risky the
material.  Don't be afraid to miss the mainstream mark.  If I hadn't dared to
stray from my usual material, Slayers Reflect would never have gotten
written.  I haven't looked back once.  So, in summary, quid pro quo; THANK
YOU!"

After a few more 'gosh golly gee' grinning takes, he turns to leave...
then quickly jumps back one second.

"While I've got the podium," he adds, "I was wondering, can anybody give
me a ride home after the show?  Someone jacked my car."

As Twoflower leaves the stage, searching for a kindly Samaritan, Megane 6.7
is still lying prone on the stage.  A moment later, Gary rushes on-stage,
accompanied by Hiroshi and Daisuke dressed as nurses.  Ignoring the cracking
of bones and plantive screams of Megane as they work to patch him up, Gary
turns to speak to the audience.  "Um, I guess this would be a good a time as any
to show another excerpt of an interview conducted by David 'Fido' Lindquist
with Ronny Hedin.  Enjoy!"


***


Fido: Let's start off with a simple question...What started you
into writing fanficion?

Ronny: Well. I've been interested in reading and writing since I was
rather young. I chanced upon the RAAC archives when I'd just recently
become more majorly interested in anime/manga than before, and
success was given. Caught up reading a lot of stuff, and eventually,
of course, I just wanted to write something of my own....

Fido: Out of curiosity, do you think fanfiction can influence Anime
viewing habits?

Ronny: Probably, yeah. If nothing else, it's happened that a
crossover have put my attention on a series I might not have heard of
before. And I certainly doubt I would be fully as heavily into it by
now if not for fanfics drawing me even deeper; though that goes the
other way around as well.

Fido: What series do you normally write about?

Ronny: I've written mainly - but not exclusively - Ranma fanfics, and
most of the ideas I have lying in my brain are still for Ranma
fanfics.

Fido: Some people say that Ranma is about played out fanfiction wise.
Do you think that's true?

Ronny: Frankly, I think those people are full of sh*t. There's plenty
of things left to explore about Ranma to make it worthwhile, and old
ideas can still be done BETTER; most of the fanfics currently posted
just keep ignoring that and stomping the same old ground.

[Ronny shifts slightly in his chair.]

Ronny: If I didn't think I had Ranma ideas still worth writing, well,
obviously I wouldn't be doing it.

Fido: Change of subject; what inspired you to write 'For you?"
Confidently, I have NO clue whatsoever as to what I am doing so just
smile and nod alot...also praying for me would help too.

Ronny: Heh.

[Fido grins]

Ronny: To quote the afterword / author's notes to that fic:  "I've
totally forgotten where the heck I got the inspiration for this one."
I know it started with the idea of the first and the last scene and
the connection between them, but where it came from, I no longer have
any idea.  I probably thought of it while taking a dump, that's where
I seem to get most of my ideas.

Fido: A bathroom sadfic?

[Ronny smiles]

Fido: What was your reaction to being nominated for Best Sadfic?

Ronny: I was surprised for one thing; I certainly don't consider
myself one of the better writers on the list.  At the same time, I
didn't really intend FY as a "sadfic" as such, either.  I dunno
whether to be depressed about the low standards that allows my crap
to be worthy of this nomination or honored that someone found it good
enough....

(For the Complete Interview, visit this link )


***


All is quiet on-stage, and then John Biles falls from the rafters, hanging
from a bungee cord that proves to be a little too long. After a set of
stagehands dig him out of the floor, he staggers over to the microphone.
"Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers...wait, this isn't
Gettysburg."

He tosses his notecards aside and says, "Which ceremony...oh yeah.
I'm here to present the award for the category 'Fanfic Hall of Fame'.
Some stories get only fifteen minutes of fame, while others endure in
memory forever, even if we don't want them to. Better yet are those who
stick in our mind because of the powerful images they convey, the
creativity they show, the hope or fear or desire they inspire, and the
cherished place they gain in our heart (or the absolute terror they
instill in our minds). Such stories we now honor.

"The five inductees into the Fanfic Hall of Fame, also known as the
Test of Time category encompass a wide range of genres and styles, though
all make use of the characters of the same series, Ranma 1/2. This year's
award winners are:"

-- "Change of Scene" by June 'KaraOhki' Geraci
Author's E-mail: <karaohki@snet.net>
Fics is at: http://www.karaohki.com

KaraOhki walks up to the podium and accepts her award.

"Just before Rumiko Takahashi ended Ranma 1/2, a friend showed up at my
house with some fanfiction he'd printed out for me. Not having a
computer, I'd never heard of it. The stories in question were
chapters of DNR, and the story 'Predator and Prey.' I was hooked, and begged for
more.

"The more I read, the more I thought 'I could do this! But no one will
want to read it.' Then I found out about the end of the manga, and
wanted to continue the story--my way. So I started on my old klunky
typewriter and had a lot of A Change of Scene written before we
finally got a computer in the house.

"Joining the FFML and submitting the first chapters was one of the most
frightening things I ever did in my life. I fully expected to be
ignored or scorned. The fact that people read COS and ask for more
still amazes me, and I thank all of you for nominating and electing it
to the Hall of Fame.

"I think I'll sit in the corner and eat my carrots now."


-- "Hearts of Ice" by Krista Perry
Author E-mail: <kperry@aros.net>
Fic is at: http://www.akane.org/heartsofice.html

Somebody finds Krista hiding under the refreshment table surrounded by
the unfortunate remains of the brownie tray, and a ravaged 12-can case
of Mountain Dew. She's wearing ratty jeans and her trusty "Furinkan
High Athletic Department" t-shirt (as if that could make up for the fact
that the only remotely athletic thing she does is sprint for the bus
each morning when she's late for work). Looking up from an old, stained
pad of paper that she has covered with incoherent scribbles, she freezes
as she realizes she's been discovered. "Uh... hi there." She grins
sheepishly, as she tries in vain to hide the brownie tray.

"Uh... Thanks for all your support. This is a great honor, but I couldn't have
stuck with writing Hearts of Ice if it hadn't been for all the support I've
received from readers over the past... um... four years. Yeek! That's
a long time... Um... I'm working on the end right now, I swear!" She
looks down and writes, while muttering, "Ending... must...not... suck."
Then, realizing people are still staring, she grins sheepishly. "Um...
that's it, I'm not really good at speeches... especially when I'm on a
sugar high... Um, hey, before you put the table cloth back down, could
you hand me a couple of those lemon squares I saw up there?"


-- "The Bitter End" by Zen
Author E-mail: <ayanami@mindspring.com>
Fic is at: http://www.mindspring.com/~databank/fanfics.html

Ukyou runs on-stage and steps up to the podium.

"Hi there!  Zen's involved with the Revenge Wars right now and couldn't
be here to accept this award immediately.  So, I'll just accept it on his behalf
and put it in the fridge so it'll be nice and fresh when he gets here!  Seeya
later!"


-- "The More Things Change" by RpM
Author E-mail: <rpm@thekeep.org>,
Fic is at: http://www.thekeep.org/~rpm/fanfic

Rod blinks, scratches his head, then walks up to take the award.

"Classic... classic... I dunno, I can't read TMTC anymore
without cringing at some of the things I did. Never woulda had so
many crossover references, first of all. Then... ah, heck with it,
there's too many things. I'd rant all night.

"But.... on the whole... yeah, I'd like to think I did things
differently enough for it to be worthy of this award. I'm big on
that, trying to do things with a twist. Ranma the deep and noble
martial artist, Ukyou the tragic heroine, Akane the violent mindless
maniac, I kept myself as far from the stereotypes as I could."

Someone in the crowd coughs loudly.

"Okay, okay, so I made Shampoo a brainless idiot like everyone
else does. Can't win'em all.

"I'd also like to add that I didn't take the characters too
seriously, something that a lot of fans do sometimes. It's just a
show, fictional characters. Keep that in mind and it really frees up
what you're willing to do with them."

He blinks a moment, staring blankly into space, then frowns.
"Er... hm. There anything else I oughta say?"

Somewhere in the distance, crickets chirp.

"Oh. Oh... might as well use this time to blatantly plug my
website (http://www.thekeep.org/~rpm/fanfic) and my most prominent ongoing
projects 'The Pursuit Of Happiness (sequel to TMTC)', 'Children of an
Elder God' (Evangleion/Lovecraft crossover) and 'SMILE' (Bubblegum
Crisis/Batman:The Animated Series). Plugplugplug.

"Did I forget to plug anything else? Oh... 'There's alway s
Coca-Cola', 'Nike: just do it (swooshmark)', 'Think Different -
Macintosh', and 'Cthulhu 2000 - vote for the lesser evil!'"


-- "Waters Under Earth" by Alan Harnum
Author E-mail: <harnums@thekeep.org>
Fic is at: http://www.thekeep.org/~harnums/wue.html

Alan hurries onto the stage, dressed in a rather ratty tuxedo and
looking somewhat out of breath.

"I'll be quick, as I'm only one of those who has to make a speech
for this category. 'Waters Under Earth' was an enormous effort
which I would never have completed without the help and support
of people too numerous to name, and I'm very honoured by the
award. Thank you."


ANNOUNCER: And now, presenting the 1999 Chickenball Award for Best
Darkfic/Shockfic, the author of "Hello Kitty: The Day Sanrio Died," and the
Ranma 1/2 darkfic "Stigma," here's J. Austin Wilde!

[Applause fills the hall as a bearded J. AUSTIN WILDE appears from behind
the curtain dressed in a black tuxedo. He is smiling for the audience, and
his glasses glitter under the stage lights.]

WILDE: Welcome to the 1999 Chickenball Awards! Once again I find myself
presenting the award for the Best Darkfic/Shockfic. If this keeps up I'm
going to end up like Billy Crystal at the Oscars.... I am, however, sorry
to note that my lovely co-presenter from the previous Awards was unable
to join me this evening. I'm told she's resting comfortably, and that
they've been able to reduce her daily dosage of thorazine dramatically.

[Pleasant applause follows. Several members of the audience can be seen
displaying signs that read "Get Well Soon, Kasumi!"]

WILDE: Megane 6.7 and Avatar assured me that I wouldn't have to do this
alone. Though I can't imagine who was available on such short notice...

ANNOUNCER: And now, co-presenting the award for Best Darkfic/Shockfic for
1999; a man who really needs no introduction, but we're going to give him
one anyway... He's a world-renowned physician, a patron of the performing
arts, and the brilliant author of several papers to the American Journal
of Psychiatric Medicine... He's also a gourmet of unimpeachable taste and
skill in the culinary arts... And did I mention that he's a vicious, serial
murdering cannibal?

[The audience laughs. J. AUSTIN WILDE looks distinctly uncomfortable.]

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Doctor Hannibal Lecter!

[Wild applause from the audience as DOCTOR HANNIBAL LECTER appears
soundlessly from behind the curtain to WILDE'S right. LECTER'S maroon
eyes glow against the crisp charcoal of his hand-tailored Italian tuxedo.
Behind LECTER are two stagehands, who wheel out a large double-burner
butane stove and a food preparation table loaded with various ingredients
and cooking implements.]

DOCTOR LECTER: [Bowing politely for the audience] Good evening, ladies and
gentlemen. [He inclines his head towards WILDE] Mister Wilde, you cannot
imagine how long I've wanted to be within arm's reach of you...

WILDE [Sweatdrop prominent on his head]: I'm honored. I think. [WILDE pans
his eyes over to the stove] So, ah, Doctor Lecter, what's for dinner?

DOCTOR LECTER: [Making an indulgent sweep of his hand across the stove.]
Despite the quaint charm of participating in an award ceremony named for
ersatz Chinese cuisine of dubious quality, and for works of fiction that
rely upon the theft of intellectual property, I find the caterers Megane
6.7 hired for the evening to be simply atrocious. Fortunately, I am well
equipped to deal with such shortcomings.

WILDE: Dare I ask what, or should I say, WHO, that is that you're cooking?

DOCTOR LECTER: [His maroon eyes cast baleful red pinpricks of reflected
stage light] That, my dear Mister Wilde, is a secret... [He stirs idly at
a hearty ragout simmering on the stove.] ...For now.

WILDE: [Another sweatdrop is prominent on his brow] Uh, yeah... Moving
right along, our first nominee is Cindy Toler, for her dark tale of
preternatural love and hate, "The Blood is the Life." This is a Ranma 1/2
vampire story in the finest spirit of predecessors such as "Nightshadow,"
and "Akane por Siempre." Though the writing style shares a romantic
quality more akin to Anne Rice than Bram Stoker, this story doesn't lack
for a bodycount.

DOCTOR LECTER: [Amused] Would you care for some blood pudding, Mister
Wilde? I just happen to have brought some with me...

WILDE: [Nervously] I dunno, is it fresh?

DOCTOR LECTER: [Looking mildly annoyed that anyone would dare to presume
otherwise of him] I assure you, sir, that it is still warm.

WILDE: Well then, how could I refuse?

DOCTOR LECTER: [Maroon eyes gleaming] How indeed?

WILDE: [Managing a taste] And now, Cindy Toler's "The Blood is the Life."
Be warned that this clip contains important spoilers for the story.



                           *       *       *



     *I can't give Ranma his eternity,* Kodachi whispered when she had
regained her composure, her Voice sending a delicious, horrible chill down
Akane's spine. *I can only punish you. I can condemn you to an eternity
of guilt!* She bent to graze her teeth across Akane's throat, one cold
hand rising to grip a fistful of short, dark hair. Akane froze in thrall
as the icy fangs brushed across her sensitive skin, and her mind raced
back to Ryoga doing just this... and Ranma, his eyes wide with terror as
Kodachi drained his life away.

     "I knew you'd come," Akane murmured, slowly shaking off the vampire's
spell. "It had to be wood, didn't it? Not a steel blade."

     Kodachi paused, irritated that her prey was still talking. She readied
herself for the first delicious lunge, for the sensation of her teeth
piercing delicate skin, the warm rush of blood in her throat, the final,
sweet satisfaction of triumph over her hated enemy... Suddenly a fiery pain
tore through her, and she fell back, staring dumbfounded at the wooden stake
protruding from her pale, dead chest.

     Akane smiled viciously as the vampire shrieked and clawed at the stake.
"This is for Ranma," she hissed, leaping to her feet. She drove the wooden
shard home with one solid kick, fighting the sudden, maniacal urge to laugh
as the monster gasped Voicelessly in its death throes.



                           *       *       *



DOCTOR LECTER: How droll. Shall I tell you how these so-called 'fanfictions'
represent nothing more than a thinly-veiled means of wish fulfillment?

WILDE: Do I have a choice?

DOCTOR LECTER: [Holding a large chef's knife loosely in his hand] Have I
mentioned that I find you to be unbearably rude, Mister Wilde?

WILDE: I'll shut up now.

DOCTOR LECTER: Splendid. A man shows his intelligence less by his words
than by his silence. As I was saying, the way Miss Toler lavishes her
attentions upon the vampiric seduction of Ryouga Hibiki is common among
writers of the fairer sex - particularly in the genre of Ranma 1/2
fanfiction, but indicative of her own desire to possess the character
body and soul.

WILDE: Is this why all females are lesbians in lemon fanfiction written
by men?

[DOCTOR LECTER favors him with a look reserved for the heart-breakingly
stupid.]

WILDE: [Pretending that his previous remark had never been said] I liked
this story, and found it fast-paced, with just enough uncertainty as to
the identity of the vampire to keep it exciting. As I said earlier, this
was a story that owed more to Anne Rice and contemporary vampire-flicks
than the spirit of Bram Stoker, particularly the bit about the metal sword
blade having no effect on Kodachi. In Bram Stoker's novel, Dracula is
done-in by a bowie knife to the heart...

DOCTOR LECTER: [Chuckling] The Devil is in the details...

WILDE: And you would know... [Beat] Moving on to our second nominee,
we are faced with a story that leaves us feeling cold and filled with
nameless dread - Sort of like reading a 'fic by Dr. Thinker, except
that this story is actually a masterpiece of fanfiction. I refer to
the Neon Genesis Evangelion - H.P. Lovecraft fusion written by John
Biles and Rod M., and known as "Children of an Elder God."

DOCTOR LECTER: [Sauteeing something carefully in his copper _fait-tout_]
I regret not having known Mister Lovecraft... He seemed to be an...
*interesting* fellow.

WILDE: You probably could have written a dozen books on him. The guy
was a total nut-bar.

DOCTOR LECTER: Doubtful. I am, however, more interested in his dreams
than his struggle with sanity. In any event, this 'fanfiction,' while
lengthy and as yet unfinished, has many moments of striking genius.
The prose is clumsy and grasping at times in its efforts to convey the
supernatural horrors of the Lovecraft Mythos, yet the effort is earnest
and quite visceral.

WILDE: I agree. Writing good horror is difficult, and sustaining it
over a long period of time, especially in a serial format, is even
more challenging. It was quite a task selecting a clip from this
series for the presentation, and I'm sure there were more than a
few that could have easily been used in its place. [To the
projectionists] Roll it!



                          *       *       *



     Normally, Shinji fell asleep pretty easily, and when that didn't
work, he could usually play some music and relax enough to pass out.
Tonight, however, Mozart and Schubert lacked the power to calm his mind.
He had tried putting the lights out, but the light coming in through the
window had made the shadows move in ways that were far too suggestive
of shadows moving under their own power, coming to ooze up his bed and
onto his body to smother him.  Closing the window shade had simply
created more darkness for potentially present Thrones to hide in.
Leaving the light on let it cast suggestive shadows under the furniture
and leak through his eyelids, preventing slumber.
     Then the footsteps started in the hallway, going back and forth
past his door.  It could just be people going to the bathroom.  But it
sounded more like someone pacing up and down the hallway without ceasing,
as if they waiting for something...like for him to come out of his room.
The footsteps gradually faded into silence.  They might be gone...or it
might be another trick.
     He tried burying his head under his pillow and shoving away paranoia,
but darkness brought no comfort or rest.  He couldn't see it coming like
this.
     Finally, he couldn't take it any more.  He didn't know where he
could go, or what he was going to do, but he couldn't just lie here and
wait to either be eaten or to be exhausted in the morning.  He threw on
some more clothing and stepped out into the hallway just in time to smack
into Rei.
     They both staggered backwards, but didn't fall down. "Sorry about
that," he said.
     She nodded.  He could see she had gotten dressed as well, and he
suspected she couldn't sleep either, so he asked.  "Couldn't sleep?"
     "Looking for more, if any."
     By yourself?  Even Asuka isn't that insanely brave, he thought.
"I...I'd been wondering about that."
     A few seconds later, Asuka's door opened, and she stepped out
dressed in a long shirt that went down to halfway down her shins.  "You
two too, huh?"
     Shinji nodded.  "I just...I can't sleep in a brightly lit room, and
if I turn off the lights, it's like...geez, I feel like a little kid."
He frowned and clenched his fists.  "I shouldn't be this...this scared."
     "I had a nightmare.  I got in my EVA, and the LCL was a Throne.
It killed me and took over my EVA."  She shuddered and hugged herself.
"And then it went on a rampage and killed everyone else."
     Shinji's eyes widened.  "I did NOT need that thought.  Great, now
the next time I get in my EVA..."



                           *       *       *



[The clip ends to show WILDE standing quietly while DOCTOR LECTER produces
a small crystal bowl filled with ice water and a dozen pinkish-grey slices
of flesh.]

WILDE: I seem to recall Mister Biles hinting darkly about the nature of
LCL early on in commentary about this story, and now after the bit with
the Thrones, I'm not so sure it *isn't* the same thing.

DOCTOR LECTER: A skillful play on a common fear among humans - just what
is it that we're eating...? [His small white teeth sparkle in a smile
with all the warmth of an attacking tigershark.]

WILDE: [Pointing to the slices of pinkish-grey matter floating in the
ice water] Speaking of which; anyone I know, Doctor Lecter?

DOCTOR LECTER: I am uncertain of the man's name, but I believe he wrote
a self-masturbatory bit of bestial tripe featuring himself and a white
cat... [DOCTOR LECTER dredges the flesh - which is in fact slices of
human brain - in seasoned flour, then pats them with herbed brioche
crumbs before carefully spooning them into the sizzling _fait-tout._]

WILDE: [Thinking for a moment before it dawns upon him] I see...
[Sniffing] Smells good!

DOCTOR LECTER: Please continue the presentation without me, as this
requires all of my attention.

WILDE: Certainly, Doctor... Our final nominee for the award is a story
by yours truly, titled "The Dinner Guest," and featuring my esteemed
co-presenter. Seeing as how I wrote this, it would be inappropriate for
me to make much comment on it.

DOCTOR LECTER: How noble... Shall we?

WILDE: Of course, Doctor. But first, how about a few slices of that?

DOCTOR LECTER: It would be my pleasure. [Offering WILDE a plate of
pan-fried brains drizzled in butter and shallots] Bon appetit!



                          *       *       *



     "Akane tells me that the two of you are, in fact, engaged to be
married."
     Ranma crossed his eyes at the thought.
     "I guess so."
     Fell smiled thinly. Thoughts of Florence and young lovers many
summers ago drifted through the halls of his mind. If only there were
an abundance of fresh flowers handy...
     With some reluctance he dismissed the idea, and returned to the
evening's original source of amusement. The problem with whimsy was
that it often left you unprepared for the truly grand inspirations.
Nevertheless, he would make do.
     "I am curious, Ranma. Being a skilled martial artist with a, shall
we say *interesting* life, this event was perhaps bound to happen sooner
or later, and your training must have addressed it at one point..."
     "What's your question?" Ranma interrupted.
     Fell wetted his red lips with his tongue. "What did it feel like
to kill someone?" he asked in a gravid voice.
     Ranma opened his mouth in protest, but no sound came forth.
     Even Akane, by this point thoroughly charmed by the good doctor,
tried to protest such a question. Fell continued to bore his lambent
eyes into Ranma.
     "According to Akane, you had an adventure quite recently that
led to the death of a young man named Saffron. A death by your hand,
I might add."
     "But Saffron wasn't a man," Ranma muttered, suddenly remembering
a day that he had tried very hard to forget. "He was some kinda god!
And anyway, he was reincarnated later that day!"
     Fell remained unmoved.
     "But you did kill him," he said evenly.
     Ranma nodded his head slowly.
     "And it was in fact your intention to kill him."
     Ranma sank back against his heels. The battle with Saffron had
been so desperate that he never had the chance to think through the
consequences. For him there had been only one consequence, one
motivation, that mattered.
     Akane.
     The girl who was even now falling back under the doctor's spell
with a simple innocuous wink. She had told this man, practically a
total stranger, about the battle with Saffron, and who knew what else.
     "Akane was dying," he managed. Fell seemed surprised by this
revelation, but allowed him to continue. Perhaps Akane hadn't told
him everything. "Saffron was the only thing standing between life and
death for her, and he wouldn't let up... I didn't have any choice
but to do it."
     Fell nodded slowly.
     "Am I to believe then by your tone that it has caused you a
certain amount of distress?"
     His voice was strangely soothing, and despite his considerable
discomfort with the subject, Ranma felt compelled to answer Doctor
Fell.
     "Killing him? I don't know. I try not to think about it." Ranma
sighed. "It's easier knowing that he isn't really dead."
     "But you would do it again, if you had to. Even if you knew that
he wouldn't be coming back."
     Ranma closed his eyes.
     "Yeah."
     Fell nodded again. He understood something vital now about his
hosts. His decision was made.



                           *       *       *



WILDE: [Chewing thoughtfully as the clip fades to black on the monitor]
You know, these are pretty good...

DOCTOR LECTER: I'm pleased that you think so. [He eyes WILDE speculatively]
You do not mind their source?

WILDE: Frankly, I'm surprised that there was enough for the two of us...

DOCTOR LECTER: Alas, they weren't as fresh as I would have preferred.
[He turns to Wilde] Would you mind if I commented on "The Dinner Guest"?

WILDE: Um, no. Really. Go ahead, Doctor.

DOCTOR LECTER: Returning to the subject of fanfiction as author wish-
fulfillment, one does wonder exactly what you had in mind with this story.

WILDE: [His voice is muffled with a piece of pan-fried human brain in his
mouth] Whatever do you mean, Doctor Lecter?

DOCTOR LECTER: [Smiles beatifically.] One could also note that your lovely
wife has written one of the better "Mousse gets eaten" fanfics in existence.
>From this I can only speculate about the bill of fare in the Wilde Family
home...

WILDE: [Finishing up the last of the brains] Perhaps we should continue
this conversation after the presentation... Doctor Lecter, I'd like to
thank you for your time, and certainly for dinner. It was delicious, and
I'm certain, a boon to the world of fanfiction.

DOCTER LECTER: I thank you, Mister Wilde, for the opportunity to be here,
though I fear Megane 6.7 may be disinclined to agree with you concerning
your rosy assessment of the fanfiction world, as I have now deprived him
of a wealth of source material...

WILDE: He'll get over it. From what I've seen on his page, there's no
shortage of material for him... [Gesturing off-stage] The envelope, please.

[A red-haired catgirl appears on stage in a slinky white evening gown.
DOCTOR LECTER eyes her dispassionately, his eyes gleaming points of light
against the darkness of his tuxedo. WILDE tries not to appear too obvious
as he looks down her dress. He takes the envelope in his hand.]

WILDE: And now... The winner of the 1999 Chicken Ball Award for Best
Darkfic/Shockfic is... Children of an Elder God by John Biles and RPM!

John two-steps out onto the stage. "I must admit I never thought
I'd ever be nominated for anything that could be called a 'Darkfic', but
then, I never thought I'd be co-authoring one with another author noted
for his comedy, either. Still, I've felt this particular concept was a
logical one for a long time, and I've had a long-term love of Lovecraft
since I was twelve. In fact, I feel we're being more logical than EVA
was, but that's just me. Send all flames in defense of Anno's vision to
Elvis, please.

"But to be more serious, this is the darkest thing I've ever
written to this length, and it will get moreso before we finish. But we
don't plan to simply end it with buckets of blood and Rei eating Asuka's
brain. Sorry, Merc.

"If all goes well, we'll have it all done in time for us to get
this award again NEXT year, and then we'll rule the world with an iron
fist! The Stars Will Be Right! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!" John steps aside to
let Rod speak while he cackles maniacally.

"As John said, many thanks to everyone who voted for us. The
sheer number of votes the story tallied up was inspiring, to say the
least. Nice to know we're REALLY being read...

"Ah, yes, Children of an Elder God. The funny thing is, when
I proposed the idea, I hadn't much of a clue about Lovecraft, just
that there was this big guy under the ocean waiting to wake up...

"The day I proposed it to John, he was so enamored of the idea
that he said he'd do it solo if I didn't want to fly with it.
Grand-scale Evangelion fics were (and still are) small in number, I
figured we'd be pioneering in some ways, and what the heck, John would
know enough about Lovecraft and I knew enough about Eva to balance
things out.

"Besides that, it would be cool working with this guy.

"Aside from the conflicting desires of me to turn Rei into a
savage killing machine instead of a cute shy girl learning about
emotions and John to run Ritsuko and Asuka through a meat grinder
instead of being embodiments of feminine sexuality, things've gone
smooth. Heheh.

"On that note, you'll all find it ironic that John has been in
charge of our new, lighter, fluffier, more well-adjusted Asuka. Tons
of fun to work with, she is.

"Doing an elseworlds is fun, I highly recommend it. You get
to have characters do things they normally wouldn't do. It's rather
therapeutic.

"Am I rambling?

"Some of you might be wondering why this story is in the
darkfic/shockfic category... after all, our characters don't grind
their teeth and angst every other paragraph.

"Why? Simple."

He leans forward, wagging his eyebrows as he does.

"We're Willing To Kill Them - All Of Them.

"Hrm. Lemme rephrase that."

Rod adjusts his tie and smiles pleasantly.

"We're Willing To Kill Them In A Manner More Satisfying Than
The Evangelion Movie Did."

He seems to nod to himself in satisfaction, then steps up
to add:

"And With Satisfying Violence.

"To say anything else would be... ah... telling... but just
know that we're willing to do just about anything.

"Heh. Heh. Heh."

And with that cryptic remark, Rod M and John Biles leave the stage,
holding up their awards to mass applause while Megane staggers back
on-stage.  He is wearing a different tuxedo from before and his face has
several bandages to hide the cuts and bruises inflicted on him by the Puma
Twins but otherwise looks none the worse for wear as he announces the
next presenter.


(TO... BE... CONTINUED... IN... PART... TWO ... )