(CONTINUED... FROM... PART... ONE...)

"Now, to present the 'Weird Al' award, mostly because of his appropriate
name, Mr. Alan Harnum."

Alan returns to the podium, changed out of his tuxedo. He's now
clad in the Canadian national costume of furry red toque, heavy
blue jeans, and plaid lumberjack shirt with suspenders (yes,
Canadians really do dress this way--we swear).

"Eh, good evenin' to all you hosers out there," he calls. He
take a can of beer from his pocket, pulls the tab, and gulps it
down. "It's a real great pleasure to be here tonight, almost as
great a pleasure as the time when me an' my brother Matt--not my
real brother, more of a spiritual brother--went snowmobilin' up
in North Bay, and--"

Boos and catcalls begin from the audience. "Terrible!"
"Stereotyping!" "You should be ashamed!" "No Canadian jokes!"
"Stop being racist, racist!"

Alan sighs, crushes the empty beer can against his forehead
before tossing it off-stage, and then puts on his glasses in
order to read the nominee list. The glasses--small, wire-framed
and thick--are quite incongruous with the rest of his apparel.

"It is indicative of the state fanfic has progressed to that
genuinely deconstrucionist works--e.g. satire and parody--are
being written within it," he begins pedantically. "I speak here
not of parodies and satires of anime and manga series, which have
a long history, but of parodies and satires of specific types of
anime and manga fanfiction; whether it be of broad genres such as
darkfics of WAFFfics, or of specific stories such as--"

"Booooooooooooooooooring!" "Go back to your ivory tower!"

Alan mutters, "Fine, fine" under his breath. "The Weird Al
award is for the best parody of a fanfic or fanfiction genre.
The nominees are..."

-- "An Alan Smithee Fanfiction" by Stephen Schlueter
<http://www.tass.org/fanfic/ranma.an-alan-smithee-fic>

-- "The Butt" by a group of authors from FFIRC
<http://www.tass.org/fanfic/ranma.parody.the-butt>

-- "Fusions That Should Never Be" by D.B. Sommer
<http://www.crosswinds.net/~meridun/FFML/Fusions_That_Should_Never_Be_I[FFML
][spamfic].txt>

-- "Girl Days" by Robert "Kenjiko" Haynie
<http://www.sofaspud.org/couch/Ranma/GirlDays/>

-- "Lesbian 1/2" by Donny Cheng
<http://www.tass.org/fanfic/ranma.lesbian-1-2>

-- "You Don't Love Me Anymore" by Gregg "Metroanime" Sharp
<http://metroanime.home.mindspring.com/>

-- "The Martyr" by Dan Root
<http://www.tass.org/fanfic/ranma.the-martyr>

-- "The Replacement Ranmas" by Angus MacSpon
<http://www.crosswinds.net/~meridun/FFML/The_Replacement_Ranmas[FFML][Fanfic
][Ranma][Sort_of].txt>

Alan pauses for breath, then resumes. "All of these fanfics
share common characteristics of deconstructionist fiction,
which..."

A baby seal, freshly clubbed, hits him in the head, apparently
thrown from backstage. Alan looks at the baby seal (with just
the tiniest light of hunger in his eyes), then shrugs, takes the
small envelope from its mouth, and opens it.

"The winner of this year's Chicken ball for the Weird Al category
is 'Lesbian 1/2', by Donny Cheng."

Donny walks nervously down the aisle, self consciously
holding his hands together and head bowed. He was even
more noticeably uneasy looking as he fought to hold the
mike still while Alan slings the baby seal over his shoulder
and walks into the wings, giving Donny the floor.

"H-hi. I didn't expect to win this considering all the great parody fics
that were out there and the fact that it lost its spamfic and parody status
when I went over two chapters...Personally hoped that the winner would
be the group project we...*cough* "Blatant self plug." *cough*

"GET ON WITH IT!!!"  the audience chanted.

Donny fidgeted. "Anyway, I'd like to thank all who read,
nominated, and voted for this fic. It would not have been
made possible if not for group at FFIRC who I would also
like to thank. The ideas you get when someone comments
'there's lesbians in every fic' and you reply 'is there a
fic where everyone is a lesbian?'  So, I'm really not the
one that should take all the blame, uh, I mean credit."

Donny holds up his award to applause and nervously bows as
he leaves the stage with his award.  Soon, the announcer's voice
is heard again.

"And now, to present the award for 'Best Ending to a Fanfic or Series'
is the author of 'The Taming of the Horse' and 'A Man Among Women,'
give it up for Vincent Seifert!"

Vince walks on-stage: a fortyish man with trimmed beard and
mustache, wearing grey slacks and a sportcoat over a turtleneck.
He is accompanied by a slender Japanese woman clad in a blue
kimono; the discerning eye notices that the kimono is not in the
modern style by about 300 years. He reaches center stage, smiles
at the audience, and takes a few cards out of his pocket.

"Hi ho and welcome to the M--" He breaks off and frowns at
the cards. "Sorry, wrong frog. Ahem. Welcome to the Chicken
Ball award for Best Ending. I'm glad to be here, and fortunate
that this lovely young lady was able to bridge time and space to
join me tonight-- please welcome Suzuko, from 'Fire Tripper!'"

Suzuko, who looks about a decade older than her last
appearance in 'Fire Tripper,' smiles and waves shyly at the
audience's applause.

Vince fiddles with his cards again. "Endings are hard.
Beginnings are easy, and middles are fairly straightforward once
you decide how you want to get from the beginning to the end."

"Sometimes the beginning of a story is really the middle,"
Suzuko observes.

"Heh, funny you should mention that." Vince glances at her,
smirking, then addresses the audience again. "The precise form
of an ending can make or break a story even in the writer's mind,
and getting it right takes effort. I'm glad these awards have
chosen to recognize that skill.

"Screen, please?" A projection screen descends behind
Suzuko and Vince, and the stage lights dim a little. "Thanks.
The nominees are:"

-- "Child of Love" by Axel Terazaki <aterizaki@club-internet.fr>
http://ucsub.colorado.edu/~kominek/fanfiction/

A slide is projected in the upper-left quadrant of the
screen: Aino Minako, with her parents standing on either side of
her, and the rest of the Sailor Senshi behind them. After a
moment it dawns on the viewer that the parents are Ranma and
Akane, twenty years older but still distinctive.

-- "Eidolons" by Alan Harnum <harnums@thekeep.org>
http://www.tass.org/fanfic/ranma.eidolons

Another slide in another quadrant: Ranma in a ready stance,
looking out of the picture with a look of apprehension-- perhaps
even fear-- on his face rather than his usual look of confidence
or determination. Behind him are Cologne, Akane, and Bast, and
behind them the eldritch landscape of the Dreamlands.

-- "The Ghost Prison" by Gary Kleppe <kleppe@mediaone.net>
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html

The third slide shows Shampoo and Ukyo, both elderly,
looking sorrowfully down at two adjacent Jusenkyo pools; dimly
visible in the pools are the faces of Ranma and Akane, gazing
longingly at each other.

-- "HERZ" by Te Loong <teloong@cwcom.net>
http://www.teloong.mcmail.com/HERZ.htm

Fourth slide: the Ikari family. Shinji and Asuka look like
they've seen some rough times but got through them together;
their grown daughters Dr. Akiko and Lt. Sakiko appear to have
inherited their looks from their paternal grandmother Ikari Yui
rather than their mother.

Vince resumes speaking while the four images remain on the
screen. "These run the gamut of endings. 'Child of Love'
doesn't seem to actually BE ended yet, so I assume the nomination
refers to the ending of the prelude, in which the identities of
Minako's parents are revealed rather dramatically."

Suzuko takes the next one. "The ending of 'Eidolons' is a
shocking twist, as the barrier of time separates lover from
beloved--" She breaks off, apparently overcome by emotion.

"Still, it's so right for the tone of the story that even a
less-than-happy ending is very satisfying there," Vince points
out.

Suzuko sniffles. "I know, but it's a bit close to home for
me."

"Yes, it would be, wouldn't it.... The dramatic solution of
the problem at the core of "The Ghost Prison' is yet another good
way to end a story," Vince continues.

"Still, I think MY favorite is the 'and they lived happily
ever after' of 'HERZ'," Suzuko says firmly.

"A popular type of ending, to be sure," Vince agrees. "Just
be glad there weren't any 'he dies, she dies, everybody dies'
stories nominated this year!"

"Well, there's always next year." Suzuko shudders.

"Heh. May I have the envelope, please?" Suzuko produces an
envelope from her sleeve and hands it to Vince. "Thanks."

Vince opens the envelope, extracts a sheet of paper and
reads, then looks up at the audience with a grin. "And the
winner of a Chicken Ball for Best Ending is-- Alan Harnum, for
'Eidolons!'"

The Ranma-Dreamlands slide expands to take up the whole
screen as the crowd cheers and claps.

"Now, if you'll excuse me," Vince bellows when the noise has
subsided far enough, "I have to go build a bonfire so Suzuko can
get home to her family. G'night, all!" Suzuko waves and they
walk offstage.

Alan returns to the stage for a third time, changed out of his
lumberjack outfit and back into the ratty tuxedo. He appears to
have dressed rather hastily, and there's a little spot on the
edge of his mouth that _might_ be baby seal blood.

"'Eidolons' was really an attempt to do more justice to the works
of H.P. Lovecraft than I did in my 'Turning the Wheel' stories,
as I felt very much in hindsight that the series had been
uncertain as to whether or not its tone was Ranma or Lovecraft.

"Lovecraft had an astonishing imagination, and his Dreamlands
stories are among his most remarkable creations in terms of sheer
wonder. I tried very much to capture the intermingling of
surreal beauty with cosmic terror that Lovecraft did so well in
his Dreamlands stories, and hope that I more or less succeeded."

"Getting the 'Best Ending' award for 'Eidolons' is very
heartening, as I rather feared that it was somewhat unnoticed
next to the grandeur of 'Waters Under Earth.' That it was
remembered well enough more than half a year after its completion
to win the award pleases me greatly. Thank you.

"Now, I think I hear Cthulhu calling... Ia! Ia!"

After Alan leaves the stage, the lights dim slightly, and the announcer
says, "Now, for the presentation of the 'Most Underrated Fanfic or Series',
Ruri Hoshino and Kyosuke Kasuga."

Kyosuke comes out in a tuxedo, tugging at the collar and clearly
uncomfortable, while Ruri serenely glides to the podium in a rather
severe evening gown. Sorry, lolicon fans.

"Ano... er... um..." Kyosuke stammers. "We screwed up a little."

"Did we?" Ruri blinks, and a large virtual window opens up just behind
Kyosuke's head with a flashing "his fault" sign and a big arrow pointing
to the young ESPer.

"We did. We wanted to have a Most Underrated Fanfic award to balance our
Most Overrated award, of course, so we asked for nominations with the
rest of the awards."

"It didn't strike anybody that this was a stupid idea until after we got
back the nominations," Ruri interrupts. "Twenty-four stories each got
one nomination."

Kyosuke scratches at the back of his head. "Yes, well, of course it's
easy to see that a truly underrated fic wouldn't get a lot of
nominations anyway..." The flashing sign has turned to "BAKA" in large
red letters.

"Anyway, to salvage this mess, we decided to give the award to all the
nominees."

"But we don't have that many Chicken Balls to hand out! Do you have any
idea how much those things cost?"

"We'll just give them some time to mook for the camera. Call it a
recognition award."

A crowd of people enters the stage from the left. "All these people?"
Kyosuke asks.

"All these and a couple more."

"Oh, boy..."

Ruri rolls her eyes at her co-presenter and shrugs. "So, the winners for
this year's Most Underrated Fanfic award are..."

-- "An Amnesic Angel" by Axel Terizaki  (Is it Amnesic or Amnesiac?)
Author E-mail: <aterizak@free.fr>
Fic is at: http://www.asukanotebook.com.bi

Axel: "Thanks, thanks. I'm very glad, mostly because of 'An Amnesic
Angel' winning a 'Most Underrated' award. It's true that it isn't my
most popular work, but some people still liked it. On another note, it
wouldn't be fair to get this award and run off showing it to everybody
and boast about it. So, I will give it to all my pre-readers too. They
were of an immeasurable help during the conception of each of my fics,
and I'm well aware that without them, my works wouldn't be as good as
they are now. Thanks to you all, you know who you are, and also, thanks
to the individual who voted for me. Again, thanks! ^____^"

-- "Beacon" by Vincent Seifert
Author E-mail: <seifertv@ccshp1.ccs.csus.edu>
Fic is at: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/

Vince: "Beacon was my second story, and the one that made me realize
that writing wasn't an affliction which could be cured with a mere 350K
of Ranma-continuation. I've written a lot more since then, but Beacon
is still my favorite. I think Fire Tripper is the real victim of
underrating here, though; it's the anime I show to people who've heard
about this 'anime' thing and are afraid to ask, but as far as I know
there's only one other FT fanfic out there: Ukyou Kuonji's moving
Cherish While You Can. There ought to be more.

"I'm very proud to accept 1/24th of a Chicken Ball for Beacon-- now I
just have to figure out what 1/24th of a CB looks like!"

-- "Bless the Gutter" by Sky Ridgon
Author E-mail: <tabris@sprynet.com>
Fic is at: http://www.crosswinds.net/~meridun/FFML/B.html

"Not everybody had a speech," Ruri says, nodding.

-- "Child of Love 2" by David Templar
Author E-mail: <david_templar@my-deja.com>
Fic is at: http://www.asukanotebook.com.bi/

Dave hops onto the stage dressed in a giant Pikachu costume. Waving to
the to the rather quiet crowd, he takes his place behind the podium. The
giant Pikachu accepts the award, then shakes paws with Ruri and Kyosuke.
"Thanks folks, it's a honor to be here tonight, among some of the best
the anime fanfic community has to offer." Dead silence. "Err....as to
why I'm dressed as a giant Pokemon, it's quite an amusing story, really.
I was entertaining Teri-chan and a bunch of her friends this afternoon,
and some how they got their hands on some super glue.... *cough* Anyhoo,
I'd like to thanks Axel, who got me into this whole mess. Without his
help and guidance, I'd still be only reading fanfics. I'd also like to
thank all my prereaders (especially you, EBJ), without them, my spelling
and grammar is be far worst. And last
but not least, the fine people who take the time and effort to actually
read my fanfic. Thank you all." The giant Pikachu tries to wobble off
the stage, but trips half way. He rolls down onto the first row of
seats, crushing many audience members.

-- "Cinders" by June 'KaraOhki' Geraci
Author's E-mail: <karaohki@snet.net>
Fic is at: http://www.karaohki.com

Kara: "Thank you so much for this unique award for my story, "Cinders".
It's very interesting to have a story called "underrated".

"I would absolutely LOVE for all of you to go to www.karaohki.com and
read the story, and continue reading until I finish it. Then perhaps
next year Cinders will get the most OVERRATED award!

"Thanks again!"

-- "Crystal Tokyo" by Hirameki Nagisa
Author E-mail: <tabris_n@yahoo.com>

Ruri: No speech here, either.  Well, congratulations anyway!

-- "Dark Family 3" by Nicolas Stone
Author E-mail: <bnstone@ix.netcom.com>
Fic is at: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/Dark-Family

Nick: "Well. Well, well, well. Such an honor to be awarded this...
what's it called again? Oh yeah, award for the most underrated
fanfic... Underrated? Hey isn't this for best fanfic of 2000? What?
No?... ... ... ...

"Ooops... ah, yes, uhm... well I guess it's better than nothing. I hope
my fics get better PR this year. Thanks and, I'll see ya next time, and
congrats to my fellow ficwriters too! Oh, you can find my Ranma 1/2 fics
at www.nicholasstone.com. Just follow the directory...^_^"

-- "Daughters of Shadow and Light" by Lunatic Knight
Author E-mail: lunatic_knight@HOTMAIL.COM

LK: "Wow. You know, my mother used to tell me that if I worked hard,
one day I could be underrated. And she was right! And now I've won
this Dragon Ball ... er, ChickenBall, to prove it. I feel an immense
sense of personal validation, as well as the urge to phone out for
Chinese food. Hmmm. You suppose maybe if I'd ever finished this fic, I
might have garnered some votes for ... I don't know, Most Overrated
Fic? I guess there's only one way for me to find out for sure.
Somebody pass the cherry sauce ... By the way, this fic has no URL
because it has no web home at this time. Sorry about that, chief."

-- "HERZ" by E.L. Toh
Author E-mail: <teloong@cwcom.net>
Fic is at: http://www.teloong.mcmail.com/HERZ.htm

E.L. Toh: "Gee. I suppose being under-rated is kinda of a back-handed
compliment. But thanks for the award. My stuff is archived at
http://www.teloong.mcmail.com/. Thanks again and death to spam!"

-- "Jet Moto" by Jed Bidwell
Author E-mail: <Jedediah@tri-countynet.net>
Fic is at: http://www.crosswinds.net/~meridun/FFML/J.html

Jed: "You like me! You really like me! Okay, sorry, but I had to do it.
^_^ Anyway, I appreciate this award, though I'm forced to wonder if
having one of the most underrated fanfics in this year's awards is
really a good thing...

"Just kidding. In all seriousness, thank you for this award."

-- "Koyuki's Red Pinwheel" by David Pascal
Author E-mail: <davidpascal@juno.com>
Fic is at: http://www.davidpascal.com/smj

David: "First, I'd like to thank the various members of the Chicken Ball
Fanfic Awards Committee for their generous time and effort in serving
the anime community. In particular I would like to thank the nameless
individual out there in cyberspace whose literary insight was such as to
inspire him to cast his single vote for my fic, 'Koyuki's Red Pinwheel'
(available on-line at the Saber Marionette J Fanfiction Page at
www.davidpascal.com/smj), thus garnering it immortality. I also wish to
extend my appreciation to Mssrs. Akahori Satoru and Kotobuki Tsukasa,
the creators of Saber Marionette J, the ripping-off of whose characters
and plot situations enabled me to create my story; and I would like to
thank as well my mother and father, whose creation of me in the first
place also enabled me to create my story. Finally, I would like to
thank the late Professor B.F. Skinner, for writing his classic 1966
paper, 'Contingencies Of Reinforcement In The Design Of A Culture'
(Behavioral Science, vol. 11, pp. 159-166).
<snip LOOONG speech>
( -- Hey, you guys -- leggo of my jacket -- what do you *mean* I'm
ranting? -- what do you *mean* my time is up? -- w-what do you *mean*
there's no more space? -- I'm an *artiste*, you morons! -- HELP!
POLICE! -- )"

"They do go on, don't they?"

"Hush, Ruri, that's rude."

"Baka."

-- "Last One Standing" by Mike Loader
Author E-mail: <mike@thekeep.org>
Fic is at: http://www.thekeep.org/~mike/los.html

"No speech here either, huh?" Kyosuke asks.

"Seems not."

"Ah, well..."

-- "Let's Get Serious" by Erin Ellis
Author E-mail: <ee970@hotmail.com>
Fic is at: http://www.unc.edu/~ellis/fanfics/lgs.html

Erin walks on stage, clad in an Indian-style long jacket and pants set
in a glittering iridescent blue. She is greeted by the rousing applause
of her fan.

"Only one?" She sweatdrops slightly. "I knew I should've invited
some friends...

"Anyway, I really appreciate the nomination. I wasn't sure anyone
would read a story on a talented red-haired fighter that wasn't Ranma,"
she smirks, tongue-in-cheek. "Thanks to Super Prereader (tm) Ammadeau,
and Deandra, Cindy and Matt for being there, and to everyone whose
letters have let me know that someone actually does read this thing.
Thanks!" She waves cheerily, the whole crowd applauding now,
albeit mostly to shuffle her offstage.

"Hey, you cut everybody else's non-speech text."

"Hers was short," Ruri said, shrugging.

-- "Paradise Lost" by Avatar
Author's E-mail: <akent@pdq.net>
Fic is at: http://members.tripod.com/~AvatarHR/pl.html

"We didn't get anything from him," Kyosuke says, sweatdropping.

"Then we skip him."

"But he's writing this! As in right now! He could have the ceiling
collapse on us or something!"

"Look," Ruri responds, "if he doesn't want to write an acceptance
speech, that's his business."

"He's probably hiding because he hasn't written any more of it in a
year," Kyosuke mutters, directly before a ceiling tile falls on his
head.

[Really, thanks, guys! -Av]

-- "Ranma & Akane: A Love Story" by Eric Hallstrom
Author's E-mail: <hallcon@mindspring.com>
Fic is at: http://www.kawaiikunee.com/slp/R&A-ALS.html

Eric: "If it's RAALS, well ... it won first place in the TASS best of
Ranma fanfic contest (miniseries) for November 99, took 2nd for the
Annual '99 Awards and took 2nd in January and Febuary as well. I
wouldn't exactly call that 'underrated.' :)

Oh well, TASS.org is only TASS.org, but a Chickenball, that's a _REAL_
honor. ;)"

"We forgot to tell him which of his fics won," Kyosuke says,
sweatdropping.

-- "Ranma Monogatari" by Bridget Wilde
Author E-mail: <wildeman@psn.net>
Fic is at: http://www.psn.net/~wildeman/bridget.htm

Bridget: "Thank you. It's very gratifying to know that there are
people out there who still remember my writing, despite the long
wait between chapters. Ranma Monogatari was my first real
fanfiction, and it continues to be in many ways the fanfiction
dearest to my heart - which may be one reason why it comes so
slowly. But the emails I get asking when exactly the next chapter
is coming out are a wonderful boost to my writing. Now if I
can just get the baby to nap more...."

-- "Rei's Birthday Present" by Chris Burke
Author E-mail: <wyrm@engin.umich.edu>
Fic is at: http://www.umich.edu/~wyrm/abp/fanfic.html

Chris: "Wow, an award. Thanks! Though I can't see how RBP is
underrated... I've gotten what is to me a lot of comments about it, and
I thought it was popular enough. But others must disagree. I can't
help think that it may be because it's my first WAFF-ish fic. Nah,
can't be that... ^_^"

-- "Relentless" by Grayson Towler
Author E-mail: <grayson@rigroup.net>
Fic is at: http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless

Grayson: "It's a pity that there are so few people out there who can
appreciate the sheer magnitude of this honor. And yet, when I go up to
the average person-on-the-street and tell them I've one 1/24th of a
Chicken Ball Award, they do not seem to be very impressed. In fact,
they frequently say the most alarming and rude things. I guess that's
what being underrated is all about. Anyway, I'm glad someone out there
voted for 'Relentless,' and if you want to read this story which moved
one person to cast a ballot in its favor, you can find it at
http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless."

-- "Sukeban Senshi" by Allyn Yonge
Author E-mail: <ayonge@yahoo.com>
Fic is at: http://www.iguild.com/homes/kazama/sukeban/sukeban.htm

-- "Tales of Ranma & Ranko" by Lady Tesser & Jack Staik
Author E-mail: <unknown>, <jstaik1043@earthlink.net>
Fic is at: Unable to find link....

-- "The Game" by Angela Jewell
Author E-mail: <jewellangela@hotmail.com>
Fic is at: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/ranma.the-game

"Gack, three speechless winners in a row!"

"Baka baka."

"We knew you were going to say that!"

-- "The One I Love Is.." by Alain Gravel
Author E-mail: <rakna@globetrotter.qc.ca>
Fic is at: http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Teahouse/2236/toili/

Alain: "Those who know me know how much I invested myself in 'The One I
Love Is...,' or TOILI for short, these last thirteenth months. It's
quite nice to receive something different then self satisfaction as
reward."
"To be honest, this was a total surprise. While I did hope for some
kind of award, well, an award other then "Worse fanfic" or the like, I
didn't expect any. So... I'm extremely happy. And a little surprised.
After all, this was my first ever fanfic, I'm not a member of the FFML
and barely more then half of the story was posted on the RAAC. Not to
mention that this isn't a Ranma fic. Perhaps this is an indication that
the rift between the world of FFML fanfics and web based fanfics will
one day be no more.

"There's a number of people I'll quickly thank. My team of
pre-readers, who worked hard in making my writing look like it was done
by someone who at least went to high school. All those readers who sent
me their comments, which kept me going on this project. And finally Anno
who created such socially challenged characters. Hadn't it been the
case, TOILI, and it's love triangle theme, might not have been as
popular among Evangelion fanfic fans as it is right now. Fortunately,
there's enough angst in NGE for its fans to be craving stories where
Shinji and friends are actually happy and where there's WAFF in sickly
amounts."

-- "When You Wish Upon A Star" by Akane Miata
Author E-mail: <akane_miata@TendoDojo.com>
Fic is at: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/ranma.when-you-wish-upon-a-star

-- "Will You Be My Fiancee?" by Ammandeau
Author E-mail: Roy.Fokker@UNSpacy.org
Fic is at: http://Ammadeau.tripod.com/fanfiction.htm

"Thanks for bearing with us, folks," Kyosuke says, ducking his head and
bowing.  Soon, Megane 6.7 walks back on-stage for the next presentation.

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, since every awards show seems to have
a musical of some sort, be it a song praising comedy films... or a tribute to
Leslie Nielsen... The Chicken Ball Awards are very proud to present to you
tonight, a special musical by Bastion and Andy 'Avatar' Kent!  We ask that
you please not partake in the use of flash photography as Avatar is
camera-shy and it would take us forever to coax him out of the rafters.
Enjoy!"

***

"Andy?" Bastion peeks around the hallway.

"Andy!?" Not in the kitchen either. Where is he hiding?

"Aaaannnndddyyyy?" Okay, negative on the roof.

"Andy?"

"EEEK!"

All right, negative on the women's restroom.

Ah, there, near the curtain. "There you are, Andy."

The bearded individual smiles. "Ah, it's my faithful minion."

The dark-haired youth frowns, but shakes it off before
displaying a small rectangular device. "Hey, I want you to
check this out."

"What is it?"

"It's a remote control."

Andy regards the device and looks around. "That's nice,
Bastion, but what does it control?"

A devious grin cuts across Bastion's face. The scruffy Prince
Phil look-a-like takes a small step back. "It's a script/prose control.
It lets me switch from script to prose at will. See."

Tap.

Avatar: Yeah, I see.

The youth hits another button on the remote. "See?"

Tap.

Avatar: Yes, I see.

Tap.

Avatar: Bastion...

Tap.

Avatar: BASTION!

"What?"

"Quit that."

"Um, my bad." Sulking quickly gives way to an evil grin.

Tap.

Bastion: <excited> But, ain't it cool?

Avatar: Gimme that!

The bearded author snatches the remote off his minion's hands
and places it in his pocket, procuring a pout for his troubles.
"This is not a toy, and it could wreak so much havoc on the
FFML if it fell into the wrong hands. I mean the list would
become so clogged with spam-"

"Um, Andy, are we thinking about the same FFML?"

Andy blinks and pauses for a thoughtful interlude. "Oh. Got
a point there, anyway, weren't you suppose to be doing the
musical number for the Chicken Balls while you were inventing
this contraption?"

Suddenly, Bastion goes silent and lowers his head. "Um,
actually, I didn't invent that."

A bushy eyebrow arches quizzically. "Who did invent it?"

On cue, a blast shakes the auditorium and the two quivering
males face the angriest (but still the smartest) mad scientist
in the universe.

Andy drops Bastion from his arms before squeaking, "oh, hi,
washuu."

"WHO HAS MY REMOTE!"

With a quick check of his watch, Bastion rushes toward the
stage, but not before giving Andy a lucky pat on the back. "I
hope you reviewed your scientific method because I think she's
past the hypothesis part."

"BASTION!"

----------------------------------------

The Chicken Ball Awards 2000 Theme

Sung to the tune of the Animaniacs Theme.

[The stage is dark as the sounds of the orchestra below
getting in tune are heard. The curtain opens, revealing a large yellow
tinted... ball. Then the opening for the song begins, and
suddenly Bastion, dressed in black slacks and golden-glittered
jacket, pops out joined in quick sucession by the Jusenkyo
Dancers dressed as appropriately as any group of showgirls could
be. They dance around and begin to sing.]

Cast: These are the Chicken Ball Awards

It's a carnival of words

[A loud explosion is heard and off stage Megane looks about with
concern.]

Megane: Hey, what was that?

[Bastion raps an arm around Megane shoulders, just missing
Avatar's slightly singed body flying overhead....]

Bastion: Oh, forget it, just relax!

[... Which lands behind the singing and dancing Jusenkyo Dancers.]

Cast: It's the Chicken Ball Awards!

[A few of the Jusenkyo Dancers snatch the two men standing near
the snack table, and put them directly into the spotlight.
Megane gives a weak smile and Gary finishes munching on a piece
of swiss cheese.]

Cast: Come join Megane n' Gary

[Hiroshi and Daisuke say hello to the Dancers.]

And the horny duo, too.

[The Dancers say hello back.]

*WHAP!*

Dancers: Just for fun we make a pun and inflict the pain on you.

[The Dancers take their mallets and nail Bastion on the head,
the resulting stars make way for another scene showing several
Dancers at adding machines, punching away.]

Dancers: We tallied up the votes and the best we do exalt.

[Bastion jumps into view and waves his finger.]

Bastion: And if you don't like em', don't complain.
Because the rest is not our fault.

[The Dancers swarm around him.]

Cast: It's the Chicken Ball Awards!

[They move away to reveal Ukyou churning culinary delights at a
grill and Paul Cousins droning on about crossing over the Gary
Coleman Show and Gail Force.]

Ukyo cooks and Cousins bores.

[Then the view shifts to Rhea speaking to a Nerfball with a
poorly drawn skull on it.]

Rhea makes reading a chore.

[Then a big broom sweeps Rhea off stage.]

While the Chat turns it to foddore.

[Bastion and the Dancers return, filling the view once more.]

It's the Chicken Ball Awards!

Cast: See Avatar contemplate a crossover of Lapis and Eva

[Avatar shakes off the ashes, but can't shake the concept from
his mind.]

Avatar: Argh!

Cast: There's nothing wrong with Alan, he's just from Canada.

[Alan, clad in his plaid lumberjack shirt and suspenders, pokes
his head out from off stage.]

Alan: Hosers.

[Several authors are seen, running for their lives.]

Bogue stalks the authors, while Kara screams,

[The cute and furry face of KaraOhki pops into view.]

KaraOhki: Miya!

[Megane points to his watch.]

Bastion: The people whine, I have no time.

[Bastion shrugs.]

Bastion: Ah, heck, Bastion no BAKA!

[Then the Dancers crowd Bastion once more.]

Cast: These are the Chicken Ball Awards!

[Moving into a chorus line, the Dancers and Bastion begin doing
the can-can.]

We mostly stay indoors

Chibi-Usa is a spore

This job has no rewards.

[They break the line and begin to stack into a pyramid and build
up.]

It's the Chicken Balls

[And up...]

Totally off the walls...

[And up...]

This ain't no schmaltz.

[And up...]

Remove the flammables.

[Until Bastion pokes up from the top.]

It's the Chicken Ball Awards!!!!

[Suddenly, a deluge of water falls from above and Bastion dives
off just in time as it soaks the Jusenkyo Dancers. Hiroshi and
Daisuke walk on stage to survey the damage they caused when a crowd of
six-armed Hindu goddesses glare at the duo. While they run from
the Ashuras, Gary and Megane try their best to maintain a
straight face. Megane snickers slightly before Gary nudges him.
Bastion looks around and scratches his head nervously.]

Bastion: Did this thing record?

[Everyone sweatdrops.]

***BTW, kudos to Ray and his lethal Umbrella, Gary Kleppe, Zoogz,
Megane, and Avatar.


***


The audience breaks into applause as Avatar and Bastion take their
bows and then leave the stage while Gary Kleppe walks back on stage.

"And now, here to present the award for 'Most Overrated Fanfic or
Series', accompanied by Hajime Saitou of Rurouni Kenshin fame, once again,
Mr. Andy 'Avatar' Kent!"

The stage darkens slightly, and two men step out to the podium. One of
them is tall, slender, stunningly handsome, dressed in a severe blue
uniform, and is smoking despite the "for your continued health and
indeed existence, don't smoke" signs. The other one had much more facial
hair, and the battered jeans and sneakers don't add to the picture.

A spotlight comes up, and immediately focuses on the thin and handsome
man. After a cry of, "Who let the fangirl up here?!" and several
assorted beating sounds, the light centers itself on the podium again.

"Thanks, Gary." Andy turns to the audience. "We've all read at least one
great fanfic... the one that motivates us to slog through the spam at
the FFML, looking for one more good story, time after time. They make us
laugh, they make us cry, on occasion the lemons make us vomit, but a
really great fanfic is worth every minute spent reading it."

Saitou takes a long drag on his cigarette and says, "These are
definitely not those fics."

"Yeah. For every great fic, there's at least one which you read, chapter
after chapter, only to ask yourself... is this it? I slogged through a
meg of text for THIS?"

"But these are much rarer. Not only are these stories a let-down, but
first they've been built up."

"Through 'buzz,' through comments by other authors, and even through
their own authors' shameless self-promotion, these stories are those
which have the furthest to fall from expectation to reality... the Most
Overrated Fanfic of the Year."

"And," Saitou says, grinning at the camera, "since I've been informed
that slaying the offending author, while a pleasant thought, would be a
gross breach of award presentation etiquette, we will simply hand out
this twenty-pound industrial lead weight, with the author's name
inscribed on the bottom."

"This year's nominees are..."

"'Girl Days' by Robert Heinie."

"Haynie!"

"Right, that's what I said."

"..."

"'Neon Exodus Evangelion' by Ben Hutchins and Eyrie Productions,
assuming the mob with flaming torches doesn't beat us to them."

"Also, 'Childhood of a Modern Dynasty, by Jim Lazar."

"'Waters Under Earth', by Alan Harnum."

"'Garden of Eva', by Jim Lazar."

"Aho. You already did his fic."

"No, really, he's on here twice."

"Ah... 'Hearts of Ice', by Krista Perry, which she says will be complete
any day now."

"<snort>"

"And, finally, 'Daigakusei no Ranma', by Paul Gallegos, David Tai, and
others."

"I never expected that I'd graduate from law school before Ranma got his
degree, you know..."

"This isn't the Procrastinator category."

"Ah, right. Now, before we read the winner, let me remind everybody that
this vote doesn't say anything about the quality of the fic."

"That's another category."

"Right. At any rate... the envelope, please."

Saitou gives a blank look at Andy. "We don't have an envelope. The
name's on the bottom of this dumb paperweight."

"Well, lift it up, then."

"You lift it up. I'll read."

"<grunt>"

Saitou clears his throat. "And the winner is... 'Daigakusei no Ranma'!"

Trumpets blare and the writing staff of DNR/U ambles out onto the stage.
John puts away the trumpet and shuffles onto the stage, holding Ukyou's
hand with his left hand, and carrying a giant inflatable dummy of Jeff
Hosmer with the other one. Paul has mockups of Alexandra Texeira,
their staff fan artist, and David Tai, DNR/U co-founder with Paul, under
his arms. They quickly set up the dummies and themselves into a line,
then Paul says to John, "She's fictional, you know."

Ukyou whacks Paul in the head with her mega-spatula. "To me, you're the
fictional one."

"Didn't we go through this in the Round Robin already?" John asks. "You
should know by now."

Paul rubs a growing lump on the back of his head. "Right, right." He looks
over at Saitou, and then back to the paperweight. "We won a paperweight?"

Saitou moves to hand over the lead weight, but Ukyou's drumming fingers on
her spatula convince him to just leave the paperweight on the podium.

"Say something!" Andy hisses to John and Paul. "We're live here!"

"Uh... I guess we'd like to accept this award on behalf of our missing
people here," Paul begins. He looks at the paperweight again. "It's really
a paperweight?" he asks Saitou. Saitou nods in response.

"I guess this award isn't that unexpected, given the popularity of both
series," John chimes in. "Heck, we were notified at the last minute that
we had won. We didn't even know we were in the running!"

"Well, it could be worse," Paul continues. "We could've been MST'd by
Megane..."

"I heard that!" shouts a voice from offstage.

"We could have had our legs chewed off by rabid cows," John muses.

"Let's not give the universe any ideas."

"We could be mentioned in a story by Mike Rhea..."

"Let's _really_ not give the universe any ideas, okay?" Paul says
nervously.

"This would be a bad time to mention Ukyou and I spent the budget for the
next six months on a vacation to Acupulco, wouldn't it be?" John asks.

"What budget?" Paul replies.

"That would explain why we didn't even get to the airport."

Suddenly, a giant wombat scurries across the stage with David in tow,
obviously against his will.

"Stop, I tell you! I'm not going out there... I hate cameras! I hate...
bright lights! I hate... umm, hi guys," David says.

The giant wombat releases David and shambles offstage to much applause.

"David! Glad you could make it! Could you hold this a second?" Paul
hands David the large paperweight. David is pulled to the floor
immediately. "Guess what that is!"

"It's our award?" David asks, reading the outside of the paperweight.

"No! It's a paperweight!" Paul exclaims. "Right, Saitou?" Saitou sweat drops.

"I couldn't tell," David says sarcastically.

"Ain't it great?" Paul says. "We actually won something meaningful! Not
like those other fanfic awards or write-ups by Taleswapper!"

"I always liked Taleswapper's reviews," Ukyou chimes in, "mostly because
he liked stories starring me."

"I like those kinds of stories too," says John.

"Go figure," chorus David and Paul.

"Well, enough rambling on. Thank you everyone, sort of, for the award,
and we hope to become even more overrated in the future!" John says.

"Don't mind him; he has a brain injury," Paul says. "Say goodnight, John."

"Goodnight, John," John replies, then Paul and Ukyou usher him and the
stand-ins off stage.

"Um... could someone help me carry this thing off stage?" David inquires.
"Anyone? ... Hello?"

As David seeks a stagehand to help him carry off the award, the
announcer's voice booms once again.

"And now... the best new author award. Presenting for this,
is Mr. Steven Cornett."

Steven steps out on to stage and approaches the podium. He
wears an immaculate blue pinstripe jacket and tie with emerald tie
tack.

"Thank you. This is the part of our presentation where we
take a moment to recognize the up-and-coming authors who have
introduced themselves to the reading audience with fine stories and
great tales. Some will drop out quickly, but many will go on to write
many great stories to delight the fanfic reader for many years to
come.

"The selection of Best New Author was made by a direct tally
of responses from you the public. How is that different from all the
other awards presented tonight, you ask?

"Simple! While the other awards had a nomination process to
get a list of a few front-runners to be selected in a final vote, the
selection and nomination for this was combined into one vote. You
see, due to a... computer error (somewhere between the keyboard and the
chair, no doubt!) the nominees for this award were lost. Thus, it was
decided to have the winner decided by an open vote."

Steven takes out a hastily prepared list and continues. "Of
those nominated, these are the authors that received more than one
vote. They are:

"Robert Haynie aka Kenko," A few cheers go up on his mention,
having been the winner for Funniest Fanfic.  Steven continues, "Alain
Gravel, Axel Terizaki, Don Granberry, and Miashara."

After waiting a few moments for the last round of clapping
for the nominees to die down, Steven takes the envelope, opens it,
and reads it. He then announces, "And the winner is...Robert "Kenko"
Haynie, author of "Girl Days","

Steven waits for a few moments for Kenko to walk on stage to
accept his award, but the winner doesn't arrive. He turns offstage,
and hearing some noises, whispers, "Hey! Get him out here; he's got
another friggin' award!"

An aide runs up to the podium. "Um... we can't get her--
him--- whatever out. There seems to be a fight going on," he
whispers.

"Say what?! A fight?" he responds a little too loudly. The
aide nods as muttering drifts from the audience.

"Well folks, what do you expect? He is a Ranma author, and
one thing you can say for some of them; they really get into their
work!" Steven offhands to the audience. "Let someone write a Ranma
and Akane fic and they think they're some almighty Martial Artist
type," he asides.

Just then, the wall explodes, Happosai bounces out with fear
in his eyes and lust in his heart as a group of martial artists and
a fanfic writer rush out to pulverize him.

"GIMME THOSE BACK!

"DAMN PERVERTED OLD MAN!

'THOSE ARE MY PANTIES!"

"Um, technically, they're mine, I just lent them to you--,"
One of the artists asides to the redheaded pigtailed girl in the
group.

"THIS IS NOT THE TIME, RANMA! I'LL KILL HIM!" Kenko shouts.

"THAT I understand!" Ranma seconds.

The presenter begins to look pale. "Um... is something
wrong?"

"SHAMPOO KILL OLD WEASEL!"

"Weasel?" Everyone looks at Shampoo oddly due to her OOC
witticism.

"Shampoo try new insult. Is OK?"

"It's just fine," Steven replies. "Just fine!"

"Why are you taking this all so PERSONALLY?" Steven asks.

"DAMMIT, when you steal panties off someone's body, it IS
personal!" Kenko adds.

"You know, Ranma, I think that Robert fits in TOO well
with us."

"You and me both, Akane." Ranma replies, "But where did she
get that machine gun?"

"Why ask me?" Akane shrugs. "I don't know where I keep my
mallet!"

The presenter begins to sweat. "Ah, ladies and gentlemen...
we... have a small... um... problem... sort of..." He then turns to
Kenko. "Still and all."

"Hey make it quick. I have a pervert to kill!" Kenko shouts.

"If you'll just accept this award and give a word or a grunt
to the audience..."

"DIE YOU OLD FREAK!!!"

"That'll do. Here! Now go and annihilate Happosai to your
heart's content!" Steven says while waving at the martial artist who
have already rushed off the stage and are running up the aisle. "Have
fun!!"

"Thank god *that's* over with," he says as he walks offstage
to make way for the next presentation, only to have Gary Kleppe rush
on-stage and up to the podium.

"As you can see," Gary says, gesturing at the stage, "this little bit of
slapstick is getting kinda out of hand. So while we assist Security in getting
things under control, please watch this clip of an interview that our very own
Ukyo conducted with Zen.  Enjoy!"


***


<Ukyou>: So how'd you wind up working with Ranma, in particular?

<Zen>: As for Ranma... that's harder to explain... a friend gave Zen
the old Ranma Project tape and told her to watch it... Zen'd never
have picked it up on her own, but after seeing it, Zen was hooked.
Zen's still not really sure just what it is that draws her to the
characters so.

<Ukyou>: What brought on a story like "The Bitter End"?

<Zen>: Ahh... well.  Yes.  Caroline Seawright had 'suggested' that
Zen write a Ranma and Akane story, since she had so disliked the
stories where 'you' got Ranchan... so Zen gave it a try.  Started
well enough... but then Sebastian Weinberg made a careless comment
about how the only martial artist Akane could hurt really was
Ranma... and things went downhill fast.

<Ukyou>: Wait a minute... the only martial artist Akane-chan could
hurt?  I can understand she's the only one who could hurt Ran-chan,
but I've seen her beat up on others, such as Kuno and Happosai.

<Zen> [Smiling]: Oh, that's true... there is Kunou... but he's so
seldom taken seriously... by anyone.  It's sad, really.

<Zen>: Zen started to really *look* at Akane's personality... she's a
lot different in the anime, you see.  In the manga she can be sweet
and kind - between violent episodes.  But in the anime, her violent
temper is exaggerated even further.

<Ukyou>: Why do you write these darkfics?

<Zen>: In Zen's case, writing darkfics was simply a matter of
strength.  Comedy is good... drama is good.  Some people can even mix
the two very well... Zen just never got the hang of writing funny
things...

<Zen>: Bitter End was written because there was no other way to get
it out of Zen's head.  And Zen wanted it out.

<Ukyou>: What does you think of "Bitter End?"  Is it a masterwork, as
obviously many people have asserted simply by voting it into the Hall
of Fame?

<Zen>: Zen can't really consider it a 'masterwork'... it's hard to
think of any of Zen's works in that manner.  Dunno... it's hard to
imagine any other story getting quite the volume or intensity of
response.  In that context it'll be a hard act to follow.  But that's
really not why Zen writes... Heck, most of the stuff Zen writes no
one ever will read.  But there are still things Zen has to finish.

<Ukyou>: Like Long and Winding Road?

<Zen> [sweatdrops]  Er... yes.  You see, we know that Ranma met Ukyou
when they were both six... and only have a vague idea of what
happened to Ukyou between that time, and the time she comes back.
The next couple chapters of LaWR are gonna build some of that
backstory.  Ukyou will be taking Ranma back to her old stomping
grounds for a time... before they are forced to flee Japan.  And just
about ALL of that backstory will have to be made up out of whole
cloth....

(For the Complete Interview, visit this link )


***


"And now, to present our next category, the Chicken Ball award for the Best
MST, are Caravan, the muse of inspiration, and making his... or rather her
reappearance is Zoogz!"  Megane scampers away from the microphone back
offstage as the CB orchestra strikes up a chorus of the Mystery Science Theater
theme song.
  "Get out there!  You agreed!" the loud whisper admonishes from the back of
the stage.
  Two figures appear at either wing of the stage.  Caravan saunters from the
left side in a short summery dress that has a floral print with a light
brown background.  Her reddish hair is styled in curls on the top and along
the right side of her face.  Zoogz walks in from the opposite side with the
suit he had previously.  However, not only is the suit wet and bedraggled,
it also appears about three sizes too large.  Zoogz's hair is shock white,
and also hangs halfway to the floor.  And there was no sign of the beard from
earlier.
  As the two take their places at the podium in the center of the stage,
Caravan giggles slightly and says, "I would remark that this has been *more*
fun than a barrel of Nyannichuan, but..."
  Zoogz responds with a glare to someone offstage and the statement, "Gary,
I'm going to get you for this one!"
  Gary Kleppe's voice, amazingly audible despite the lack of microphone,
replies,
"It's *your* fault we almost were beaten to a pulp by those Ashuras!  Here's
your choice, by the way... you can stay in the relative safety of the stage and
present this category, or you can come back here and tell the Ashuras just what
happened to the cure for their curses..."
  Zoogz sweatdrops and under her voice speaks, "It's not my fault they hid the
barrel next to where I hid my Door Generator so that Hiroshi and Daisuke
wouldn't get into it! Well, at the very least you own me a kettle of hot water
when I get back."
 Caravan chuckles a bit more.
  Suddenly a roar raises from the crowd.  "Someone needs our help!" a girl
exclaims. Four girls approach the stage, two of them wheeling what appeared
to be a changing booth.  They successfully climb the stage stairs with the
booth and immediately stuff Zoogz inside.  Many various unfinished
statements emanate from the booth, most involving the words "No way!" and
"Not a chance!"  When the ruckus subsides...
  The girls leave the stage as the leader remarks, "Mark another victory for
the Fashion Club of Kolkhoz High!"  They rush the booth out of sight but not
before Zoogz steps out.  She now wears a deep violet dress from her
shoulders to just above the knees, a small silver bracelet on her wrist, and
a purple orchid over her right ear to complement her flowing white hair.
The crowd, along with Caravan, begins to chuckle.
  Zoogz does not look overly pleased.  "Not *one* word.  At all," she
manages to growl.
  Caravan's laughter still echoes through the hall.  "One just couldn't...
cover it..."
  "At any rate, why don't we start our presentation?"  Zoogz sees no
objection from Caravan except a bit of silent laughter, so she continues.
"Since we were asked to present the Chicken Ball for the Best MST, I thought
what better way to do that then to have our own invention exchange?"
  Caravan composes herself to reply, "And, being the great goddess of
inspiration that I am, I decided to humor our lovely *snicker* Miss
*chuckle*  Zoogz... can I call you Zoogie?"  A flat stare.  "No?  Okay.
Well, I decided to humor hi...her and skillfully implement a couple of my
own!"
  "*Anyway*, since it is my presentation, I think I'll take the first shot."
   Zoogz ducks behind the podium and rummages around for the invention
she knows she put there after her run-in with a misplaced barrel.  "No, that's
my DoCo... and that's the Anti-Up software... hmm.  Oh, here it is."  Zoogz
stands up bearing a missshapen hunk of plastic marked "Door Generator" on
the top.
  "I began thinking about what I could do to help those prospective MSTies
out there in any way I could, and here's the answer.  The 'Door Generator'.
This thing will help you make the most killer door sequences, like the show
itself and certain authors who seem to be nominated for this Chicken Ball
award every year.  You just input any number of anime, movie, television,
book, or et cetera references... and out pops the paper!"
  Zoogz rips a paper from the side of the Door Generator, and tosses it
aside.  Caravan looks at the Door Generator with a gleam in her eyes,
concentrates for a couple of seconds, and two tiny Jim Morrisons jump out of
the output slot.
  "Hey!  That's not what I meant!"
  "It's not my fault.  It did say 'Door Generator', so I'm generating
Doors!" Caravan answers.
  Both tiny Jim Morrisons start singing... one begins warbling "Break on
Through" and the other one, probably a bit more stoned, repeats "I am the
lizard king!"
  Zoogz starts to sweatdrop.  "Ahh, can't you find something for them to
do?"
  Caravan pulls two tiny bongs from Bongspace(tm), and both Jim Morrisons
happily toke away.
  Still looking a bit flustered, Zoogz says, "Well... ah, it's time for your
invention, Caravan!"
  "Well, given that I am a muse to authors, and what a talented muse at
that, thank you, thank you," Caravan starts, but after bowing sees no
applause...   "Ahem... anyway, since I work with writers, I've designed and
implemented the greatest creation of all time, the... the... umm... well,
it's a prototype, so it doesn't really have a name, but look!"
  Caravan summons two items from Inventionspace(tm), a pencil and a
notebook.
  Sweatdrop quite evident, Zoogz points to the notebook and pencil and
stutters, "Ahh... those have already been invented..."
  Caravan looks insulted.  "I know!  But this is the... umm... Super Pad Neo
II with Autopencil!  Yeah, that's it!"
  "And you're sure you're a muse?"
  In a dangerously low tone, Caravan replies, "Lay off, Smurfette, I'm a
muse in training."
  Caravan edges toward one side of the stage, and opens the notebook.  A
full desk unfolds underneath, the notebook landing safely on top.  Next, she
puts the pencil on the notebook and it stays upright.  She recites, "The
lazy brown anaconda slinks over the neato psychedelic Roger Dean album
cover."  Caravan picks up the notebook and shows the crowd the words that
the Autopencil wrote.
  "Hey, let me try that!" Zoogz exclaims.  "A big special thanks to Matt
Johnston for helping with this presentation..."
  The Autopencil falls flat on the replaced notebook.
  "Oh... well they're made for me, a muse.  Sorry."
  "Well, in that case.. I'll give up and you can start to introduce the
nominees."

-- MSTing of "Afura Mann, the Magnificent Babe" by Suzaku Soldier
Author E-mail: patkelly85@hotmail.com
Fic is at: http://lefty.simplenet.com/svam/Roshi-MSTings/Afura-Babe.txt

-- MST of "Eidolons - One" by Pi
Author E-mail: sort@bucket.ualr.edu
Fic is at: http://bucket.ualr.edu/~sort/fanfic/mst/

-- "'MST6.7' Episode 24: Okonomiyaki Summer" by Megane 6.7
Author E-mail: <fcasper@yesic.com>
Fic is at: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/MST3k/

-- "'MST6.7' Episode 22: Tortured Echo" by Megane 6.7
Author E-mail: <fcasper@yesic.com>
Fic is at: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/MST3k/

  Caravan reaches for the gold envelope that until now was hiding in
Little-gold-award-envelopespace(tm), and opens it.  "And the winner is...
Megane 6.7, for the MST of Okonomiyaki Summer!"

   Megane holds his right arm upwards in triumph as he comes from
backstage with a huge grin on his face.  Caravan offers him the Chicken
Ball statuette, and gives him a small peck on the cheek before leaving the
stage.  Megane shakes Zoogz's hand before stepping up to the podium.

   "Wow, I just want to say, once again, how much I appreciate everyone
who read my MSTings and who voted for me in this category.  It's coming
close to three years that I've been MSTing now and I can honestly say, it's
been a great deal of fun doing them and a great pleasure to read your feedback
and supportive comments and criticism.

   "I'd like to thank the talented people of Shinji's Vault of Anime
MSTings, who have always been extremely helpful and supportive of me
and my works.  They are my friends, whom I care a great deal about and
whom are all extraordinarily talented in what they do.

    "Also, I want to thank a few people....Gary Kleppe, Keener, Zoogz and
Jeffery Wong, for always being nice enough to proofread my works, give
me their honest opinion of my material, and for contributing some
memorable riffs that make my MSTings ever more fun to work with.  My
MSTings would not be what they are without these talented people and I
hope we can continue to work together for a long time to come.

    "Finally, I'd like to thank Mike Rhea, both for being such a good
sport about being MSTed, and for providing me with so much material!  ;P
Heh, but seriously though, I appreciate you giving your blessing to MST
your works and I hope you never stop having fun writing.  Thank you very
much, everyone!"  Megane 6.7 waves happily to the audience as he leaves.

The stage remains empty for a moment before a man jumps out
onto the stage.

Actually, "is pushed" is more like it.

"All right, already," he says, shaking his fist at person
or persons unknown behind the curtain. "I'm going."

The man walks shyly towards the podium, suspiciously eyeing
the crowd in front of him.

Sighing, he adjusts the microphone. "Ladies and
Gentlemen," he begins. "Many of you know me already, while some
don't. My name is Kyle Emmerson, and I'm here to present the
award for Best Crossover Fanfiction in the year 1999. However,
my co-presenter doesn't seem to be.... well... present. Heh."

"Actually, I'm right here," a shrill voice announces.

Kyle looks around in confusion for a second, trying to
find the location of the voice.

"Hello?" he asks, then checks his ears. "Is anyone
there??"

"I'm right here!" the voice shrieks.

"Good lord, I think I'm hearing things."

"Oh, right. I suppose I should make myself visible to
mortals. That might help!" the voice says, laughing.

Kyle just blinks. Looking up, he sees the air ripple a bit
as a form appears.

He falls over as the woman lowers herself down to the
ground on an oak oar.

"It's me! Botan-chan!" The woman waves happily as she
lands. "Otherwise known as Death! Nice to meet you all!"

Kyle gets up and shakes his head. "You know," he begins. "When
they said my co-presenter would be from Yuu Yuu Hakusho, I
figured it would be Urameshi, or Kuwabura... As long as it was
someone LIVING!"

Botan blinks at Kyle for a second. "Koenma-sama sent me
here," she says. "You have a problem? Take it up with him!"

Kyle's jaw drops. "I don't think that's necessary," he
stutters. Turning away, he mutters to himself, "Great. That's
all I need. Piss Death off."

"Anyway!" Botan continues, facing the audience. "We're here
to present the award for best Crossover!"

Kyle hops back to the podium and continues. "That's
right! And the nominees ARE..."

-- "Children of an Elder God" by John Biles and RPM
Author E-mail: <ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu>
Fic is at: http://www.tass.org/~rhea/falcon.html

-- "Differing Powers" by Louis-Phillipe Giroux
Author E-mail: <Dragon@anime.sobhrach.com>
Fic is at: http://www.anime.sobhrach.com/~dragon/lines/lines.html

-- "Juxtaposition" by Anand Rao
Author E-mail: Anandr3@home.com, Jouve25@hotmail.com
Fic is at: http://www.gsm.uci.edu/~arao02/

-- "Lines of Destiny" by Louis-Phillipe Giroux
Author E-mail: <Dragon@anime.sobhrach.com>
Fic is at: http://www.anime.usacomputers.net/~dragon/lines/lines.html

-- 'm.t.c.f.f. ULTRA' from ImproFanfic
Author E-mail: <twoflowr@pixelscapes.com>
Fic is at: http://www.improfanfic.com/ultra/

-- "Ronin Summer" by Morgan Hudson
Author E-mail: dataraven_659@excite.com

"You ever notice when two people take turns talking, it is
abnormally annoying?" Kyle asks.

Botan just shrugs. "Abnormal is my life."

"Good point," he says, shrugging. "And now, for the
winner."

Botan nods.

After a pause, Kyle clears his throat. "And now, for the
WINNER."

Botan nods.

Kyle shuffles over to Botan and lightly elbows her in the
ribs. She jumps and looks over at Kyle.

"And NOW, for the WINNER," he says.

Botan blinks in confusion for a moment, and then she clues
in. "Oh, RIGHT!" she exclaims, pulling an envelope out of her
pocket and handing it to Kyle.

Kyle promptly opens it.

"And the winner is..." he begins.

"Children of an Elder God by John Biles and RPM!" Botan continues happily.

John waltzes out onto the stage. "Many thanks to everyone for
giving us this award. Those who didn't vote for us should probably round
off the corners of their rooms so our pack of wild hounds of Tindalos
can't find them. You know who you are.

"Oh, wait, death threats aren't allowed. My mistake. Anyway,
I've greatly enjoyed writing this series, and I promise you that we WILL
finish it, if I have to move to Houston and glue myself to Rod's leg. For
both of our sakes, that hopefully won't be necessary. We've got it
planned out to the end, so we should be able to go the distance, assuming
the world doesn't go up in flames first.

"Crossing these two series was easier than it looks; they really
fit rather well together. I've generally been the Lovecraft expert, while
Rod is our EVA buff. While we've clashed at times, it's generally been a
fruitful partnership with which I've been quite pleased. I'm also in
charge of cracking the whip and forcing him to write like mad, while he's
in charge of telling me Rei is talking far too much. I'm also in charge
of ominous Gendo behavior, while he handles having monsters erupt out of
people's heads. So that's how we divide up labor. And he's also in
charge of the rest of this acceptance speech."  John said as he stepped aside
to give the floor to Rod.

"Well... best crossover...

"Damn. I just realized that 90% of my work is
in writing crossovers. Yikes.

"Anyway... er... thanks for the votes of confidence,
everyone that voted. Hope that you'll stick around for the
ride, as we're coming to the end soon... and hope that you
read our future works... er... separately... that is...
no plans for any further Biles/M work after CoaEG at the
moment, but you never know.

"Am I rambling?

"Right, I think I am. G'nite everybody!"  RpM waves as he and John
leave the stage.  Meanwhile, Megane 6.7 goes on-stage to announce the
next presenter.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, here now to present the award for 'The Kasumi/Keiichi',
she is the author of 'Ranma Monogatari' and 'Flambe!', let's give a nice
round of applause for Bridget Wilde!"

(Music swells, violins soaring in a hauntingly sweet melody above the
throbbing counterpoint of a cello.  BRIDGET WILDE enters, wearing a
demure red cheongsam, and carrying a small BABY, perhaps seven months
old.  As the music begins to fade, she places the BABY in the midst
of an array of bright toys and approaches the microphone.)

BRIDGET:  So far in the Chicken Ball Awards, we have seen many authors
held up as examples - both good and bad - of the fanfiction that is the
primary purpose of the Fanfiction Mailing List.  Yet to consider only
the authors is to neglect another aspect of the FFML which is just as
vital to its existence:  Comments and Criticism.

(She pauses to stop the BABY from crawling off the stage, setting her
back amidst her toys.)

BRIDGET: As I was saying, Comments and Criticism.  If fanfiction is
the meat of the mailing list, C&C is the lifeblood, the Holy Grail of
the fanfiction community.  No author is ignorant of the rapture that
wells up when C&C overflows one's inbox, or the misery that comes when
a painstakingly-crafted work is practically ignored.

(She removes the microphone cord from the BABY'S mouth, replacing it
with a string of teething beads.)

BRIDGET:  Yet C&C is not only a wonderful thing for our aspiring
authors; it can also be a source of pride and enjoyment for those
offering the comments.  There is nothing quite like reading the final
draft of a wonderful fanfiction and knowing that your own commentary
contributed to its final glory, whether in major plot changes or minor
proofreading.

(The BABY crawls just out of sight behind the curtains; BRIDGET hurries
off and carries her back to the podium, electing to hold her for now.)

BRIDGET:  However, C&C takes time, and even those of us who enjoy C&C
may only partake rarely, due to the constrictions of Real Life, or for
other reasons - Give me those!

(She takes her notecards out of the BABY'S mouth.)

BRIDGET:  Where was I... AH.  Despite this fact, there are those among
us who go above and beyond the call of duty, providing C&C that is
constructive and thoughtful - and somehow managing to produce large
quantities of it.  To honor these people, the Kasumi/Keiichi Award has
been created, named for anime characters who seem to embody this
selfless ideal - notwithstanding their interpretation in certain genres
of fanfiction... Those who have been nominated for this award are
well-known on the list for their commentary, and are all deserving of
praise for their selfless efforts - for they are all authors in their
own right, who still manage to find the time to contribute their
critiques - OW!

(She gently extricates her hair from the BABY'S fist.)

BRIDGET: And the nominees are:

D.F. Roeder, author of "The Accidental Goddess" and "A Tale of Ten Yen"
http://home.flash.net/~dfroeder/index.html

Gary Kleppe, author of "Hearts and Minds," "There Goes the Neighborhood,"
and "I Dream of Ranma" - and, I might add, one of the people responsible
for my joining the FFML waaaaaaay back when...
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html

June "Karaohki" Geraci, author of "Breaking Free" and "A Change of Scene"
http://www.karaohki.com/

and Vincent Seifert, author of "Taming of the Horse" and its sequels.
http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/

It is a shame to have to select only one of them to receive this award;
may we please have a round of applause for the nominees?

(Everyone in the audience who has ever received commentary from the
nominees applauds wildly; the resultant din can be heard several states
away. Fortunately, BRIDGET thought to cover the BABY'S ears.)

BRIDGET: But of course, this is an awards show, and so the winner
is...Gary Kleppe!  Congratulations!

(BRIDGET scoops up the baby toys, bows, and makes her exit.)

With Hiroshi following behind, Gary drags himself out onto the stage.
His hand reaches up to steady the black wig on his head, the length of
its hair tucked neatly into a narrow ponytail. The apron that he's
wearing rustles as he steps up to the podium.

"I did NOT have to dress up like this," he says to Hiroshi. "This award
had *two* names, remember?"

"Yeah, we know. All been taken into consideration."

Hiroshi whistles sharply.

Daisuke emerges in a floor-length bare-shoulder dress. A shawl is
wrapped around his lower arms and torso. Various pieces of jewelry, all
cheap-looking, dangle from his neck. A white wig rests on his head,
topped by a scarf. Markings in the shape of a biohazard symbol adorn his
forehead. "Greetings, Kasumi-slash-Keiichi," he begins rather woodenly,
then clears his throat and switches to a higher register. "I am the
goddess Belldandy. Because of your selfless work and dedication and
other good stuff, you are to be granted a wish."

"Er..." Gary replies, also adopting a pseudo-feminine voice. "Oh my! All
right, I wish for the hungry to be fed, the homeless to be given a place
to live, freedom for oppressed people around the world, and...."

Daisuke interrupts. "I'm sorry, but you can't wish for any of that."

"I can't?"

"No, I'm afraid not. Goddess rule number twenty-seven. No wish shall be
granted that is unsuitable as the basis for a wacky semi-romantic
comedy, which must ensue immediately upon its fulfillment."

"Oh. Goodness me. Well, in that case, I wish for...." Gary pauses, then
switches back to his normal voice. "Guys, this sketch just isn't
working. Take this back to wardrobe." He gathers his apron and wig and
passes them off to Hiroshi. "Fusions just aren't my thing, I guess."

Hiroshi and Daisuke fade back as Gary begins his speech.

"Some of you out there might find it strange that I'm getting this
award, and if you do, I can't say I blame you. The characters on which
it's based tend to follow an 'If you can't say something nice, don't say
anything at all' policy. I don't.

"To me, direct and honest feedback is the best policy. It's what I want
from my readers, and it's what I try to give out to others as much as I
can. I know that this has resulted in some ill will over the years; I
wish it hadn't. But I also, shameless egotist that I am, like to think
it's resulted in some fanfics ending up better than they would've been.

"That's all I have to say. Thank you all!"

As Gary walks off-stage to massive applause, Megane 6.7 scurries
on-stage with a worried look on his face.

"Uh, hi!  Umm, we're currently experiencing technical difficulties due to
reoccurring writer's block...."

(Camera switches to backstage where a horde of angry monkeys at
typewriters are throwing papers up in the air and throwing... um...
*something else* at anyone who dares to come near them.)

"As you can see, our crack staff of writers have run out of bananas and
despite our reassurances that more are on the way, they refuse to type
another word until they're fed... Yikes!"  Megane ducks as a flying turd
just barely misses his head.  "Please bear with us by watching this excerpt
from an interview with the DnR Crew conducted by the Satellite of Love's
Joel Robinson, until the problem can be fixed. Thank you!


***


Joel: When did you first become interested in writing fanfiction?


David: *ponders* Saw fics on RAAC, figured I could do it, and went and
tried it. Okay, maybe today I wouldn't, but back then, what, there
were... hm. Very few. :)

Paul: When I was working for the University of Arizona, I worked with a
woman who published her own fanzines, mostly based on Highlander,
MacGyver, War of the Worlds, and a few others. I read through a few
of the 'zines and found them to be pretty entertaining. It wasn't
until I got into the Anime scene, however, that I felt like I could
try my hand at it. Getting a degree in Creative Writing only helped
fuel the fire, so to speak.

John: In the summer of 1993, when I discovered the internet. After reading
some stories on what was then RAAS, I thought, 'I can do that!'


Joel: Where did you first get the idea for DnR/DnU?


David: Think it was Kimagure Orange College, actually.

Paul: David Tai and I had finished working on "Monkey Business"
<http://www.tass.org/fanfic/ranma.monkey.business> and had started
talking about doing a Ranma-in-college story since Kimagure Orange
College had made its debut only a couple of weeks prior. Almost two
weeks later to the day after that conversation, we were approached by
Jeff Yang to do a Ranma-in-college story. The story was to be called
"Ranma University" <http://www.tass.org/fanfic/ranma.university> but
never got off the ground from what I understand. David and I worked
maybe one month with Yang before we realized that our ideas for Ranma
and Co. could work better. So we spent umpteen million TALK sessions
(IRC wasn't around yet then - I think this kind of shows how long
we've been around :) fleshing out all the characters, the places, etc.
and then began writing.

DnU came about as we found we had more and more stories that centered
around Ukyou. After discussing it with Jeff and John, we agreed that
that Episodes 17-19 (commonly called the "Spiritual Arc") would serve
as the lead-in for DnU.

John: Paul and David created it, not me.


Joel: Why do you think DnR/DnU might be considered overrated by some?


David: Because, truthfully, IMO? There just aren't enough continuing
series out there, so the choices in fanfic awards are pretty limited
for that category. I can understand why there aren't a lot of
choices, since it's pretty rough to do continuing series, but still,
I'd LIKE to see more entries in that category. (And I STILL think
Hearts of Ice should be more properly classified as a miniseries,
rather than a continuing series, personally.)

Paul: High expectations. When you've been around for so long, and won so
many awards and garnered good reviews, people just expect perfection
and scream when it's not there. I know for a fact there are people
that claim DnR/U is overrated because they believe the original
Takahashi characters are Out Of Character (OOC) and therefore the
whole series stinks. There are still others who feel that the
script-style writing we _still_ use is bad and therfore the story
is bad by default. In Ryan Mathews' March '98 "Last Exit" column
on Anipike <http://www.anipike.com/lastexit/1998/le0398-2.html>,
Ryan states that DnR/U is one of the most loved _and_ hated series
of all time. That's a huge statement from the person who has been
named the father of Internet Anime Fanfics. Whether or not this has
contributed to the "overrated" label, I don't know.

I say that as long as people read the series, whether they pan it or
praise it doesn't matter - they're _reading_ it, and that's more than
many fanfic authors can say about their works nowadays.

John: Because not everyone likes a series as much as those who most vocally
proclaim it's glories, and this causes those who aren't in the
vanguard to think something is overrated.

(For the Complete Interview, click on this link )


***

The announcer's voice booms yet again.  "And now to present the
award for 'Worst of the Worst', he is a co-author of 'A Kiss to the
Victor" and the author of 'Survivor's Story', Mr. David 'Fido' Lindquist!

The audience applause slowly dies out as a man
makes his way to the podium. Dressed in a jet
black tux, he looks rather average except
for a good sized beard and a baseball cap with
a Seattle Seahawks logo on it.

Once there, he pulls out a bunch of cards
from his inside pocket and begins to speak.

"Umm..hi..I'm David, 'Fido' Lindquist and I'm
here to present the Worst of the worst award,
given to a fanfic that for one reason or another
the voters consider the most horrible piece of
writing to ever grace the FFML or RAAC in
1999.

"Now, we had planned on letting you see scenes
from the nominees but...well...they kept breaking
the TelePrompTers then--right out of the blue--
the International College of Mimes offered to act
out some scenes and we accepted!" he says with a
smile that doesn't reach his eyes.

Multiple gasps run through the audience.

"Okay! Okay! The truth is we didn't have a choice
on using them! They said if we didn't , they'd sue!"
Fido then shrugs. "I mean who knew the ACLU
considered mimes a minority?

"So, Read a book. Go get a snack. Heck, you could
even take a nap! It's not like they're going to be
loud or anything! Then again you can just enjoy the.."

The rest of his speech is interrupted when a page
runs out on the stage and starts frantically
whispering in his ear. Once the page is finished
talking, the announcer smiles then turns back to
the microphone.

"Ladies and gentlemen, it seems that the mimes will
not be able to perform after all. They accidentally
wandered into the room where we keep the cast of
Urotsukidoji. I'm told it wasn't pretty."

Fido then turns to the page, takes off his cap,
reaches in and pulls out a sign.

"Here, make sure this gets put back on the door,
would you?"

The page nods then rushes off the stage.

"Now, the nominees for the Chickenball Award for
The Worst of the Worst are:

-- "Bubblegum Blade" by Paul Cousins
Author E-mail: <paul_cousins@yahoo.com>
Fic is at: http://www.crosswinds.net/~meridun/FFML/
BubbleGum_Blade_Chapter_One[Format_Problems_Fixed]
[FFML][REPOST].txt

-- "Evaless" by Kaworu Nagisa
Author E-mail: <kaorunagisa@yahoo.com>
Fic is at: ftp://ftp.cs.ubc.ca/pub/archive/
anime-fan-works/Evangelion/eva.evaless.gz

-- "Kanashii no Imi" by 'Leaf-chan'
Author E-mail: leaf_chan@excite.com
Fic is at: http://www.crosswinds.net/~meridun/FFML/
Kanashii_no_Imi[FFML][Fanfic][Tenchi][Dark][Lemon].txt

-- "Okonomiyaki Summer" by Mike Rhea
Author E-mail: <michaelrhea@hotmail.com>
Fic is at: http://rei.animenetwork.com/ranchan/

"And the winner is... Okonomiyaki Summer by Mike Rhea!"

Mike Rhea entered the stage wearing a Pokemon t-shirt,jeans,and an
Expos cap.

"Thank you,ladies and gentlemen,"said Mike as he accepted his award.
"I'll now leave it to the Cloud/Tifa of Rumiko Takahashi fandom.Let's
welcome,direct from Tokyo's Nerima district,Ranma Saotome and Ukyou
Kuonji."

Ranma and Ukyou entered the stage in matching okonomiyaki seller's
outfits as Mike stepped away from the podium temporarily.

"Good evening,ladies and gentlemen,"said Ranma."It has come to the
attention of me and Ucchan that a certain fanfic author named 'defwood' has
deflamed the champion of my engagement to Ucchan by writing 'The Trial
Of A Ranma Fanfic Writer.'Not only is it very degrading to Rhea-san,
Ucchan,and of course yours truly;it's also degrading to our beloved
creator,Rumiko Takahashi.I seriously doubt that Takahashi-sama looks
for Ranma fan sites on the web.I'm not sure that she even uses the
Net."

"Also...,"added Ukyou."...it comes to our attention that Chicken Ball
co-founder Alan Harnum has recently written 'Mourning Becomes Kuonji.'
The good news: it's the first fanfic that kills off Konatsu.The bad
news: my characterization is very inaccurate,since Harnum-kun marries
off to that drag-queen(in which I have absolutely no romantic interest
in)before killing him off.I personally don't blame Rhea-san for
pairing Konatsu with Tsubasa and vice-versa in his fics.On the subject
of Konatsu,it has also come to our attention that a fanfic author who
uses my name as her pseudonym has openly(in RAAF)ripped Rhea-san's
treatment of Konatsu in his fics."

"IMHO,that particular author's only good fic is 'Onion Tears.'
As for Rhea-san's fanfics,they're not at all that bad.It just that the
majority of Ranma fans are pro-Akane fanatics with very bad taste in
Ranma fanfiction.I don't what Sean Gaffney was smoking when he wrote
'Sour Times,'and why Jeffrey 'Oneshot' Wong wrote that rapefic of his
is certainly beyond me."

"For the record,what happened between me and Ran-chan in 'A Wet
Dream Come True' WAS NOT rape.It just that my beloved Ran-chan got a
clue.Besides,Ran-chan...any word when the long awaited third chapter of
Zen's "The Long and Winding Road" is due out?"

"That's what I've been wondering myself,my darling Ucchan.On the
subject of one our biggest defenders,it wouldn't be surprising if 'The
Bitter End' made it to 'The Chicken Ball Hall of Fame.'IMHO,it's the
only fic pairing me with that uncute tomboy that ISN'T OOC.OTOH,it also
wouldn't be surprising if 'Daigakusei no Ranma/Daigakusei no Ukyou'
won 'The Most Overrated Fanfic of 1999' award."

"Our conclusion is that Rhea-san is a victim of a double
standard:In other words,he's only just as fanatical about me and
Ran-chan being together as the majority is about Ran-chan and that
tomboy being together;but is wrongly slandered as a 'bigot' just
because he's more of a purist than the majority.And speaking of bigots,
it has come to our attention that a certain psychopath named John
Nohkowski went on an expletive-filled tirade in connection with
Rhea-san's most recent fic 'The Surprise Announcement.'Nohkowski-kun,
this is for you:FLOUR BOMB!"

Ukyou pulls out a package of flour and tosses it at Mr.Nohkowski.It
hits her intended target in the forehead,knocking him out and creating
a humongous cloud of flour in the area where he was sitting.Mike Rhea
promptly exulted in satisfaction while Talen,who was sitting next to Mr.
Nohkowski,coughs uncontrollably because of the massive cloud of flour
that he was in the middle of.

"Shifting to the topic of the fic that won 'Worst of the Worst'...,"
continued Ranma."...even though we mingled with several characters from
other anime series;Rhea-san respected us by not only putting us together,but
also by not inserting any opposition at the beach.My advice for the 'unworthy'
Andrew Huang:You should be very grateful that Rhea-san pairs Ucchan
with yours truly and not Konatsu.BTW,darling Ucchan,do you think it
would be surprising if 'Stellarcraft' won the 'Best Fanfic of 1998'
award?"

"Of course not,Ran-chan...,"replied Ukyou."...even if it IS going up
against the likes of 'Hearts of Ice' and a few non-Ranma fics.Anyway,I
almost forgot something:'defwood,'this is for you.FLOURBOMB!"

Ukyou pulls out another package of flour and tosses it in the direction
of 'defwood.'Once again,she's right on target;as it knocks 'defwood'
unconscious and creates a new massive cloud of dust in the area where
he was sitting.As both Talen and a semi-conscious Mr.Nohkowski were
sitting in the same area where 'defwood' was sitting,they began
coughing in the middle of the cloud of dust as Mike again exulted in
satisfaction.

"Remember...,"continued Ranma."...please be sure to nominate and vote
for 'The Trial Of A Ranma Fanfic Author' as 'Worst Fanfic,''Sickest
Fanfic,'and 'Most Overrated Fanfic' in next year's Chicken Balls.
Because even 'Family Stone'(which doesn't interfere with us being
together)is far better than that fic,'Late for The Sky,''Sour Times,'
'Akane Can Cook,''Amaranthine,''Let's F***,''Incident At The Ucchan,'
'Daigakusei No Ranma',and 'Mourning Becomes Kuonji.'Combined.BTW,
Ucchan,do you think that 'Furimbine:Ukyou Goes Postal' would have been
a 5-star fic had Yoru-Hikage not only paired us up but also made me your
'accomplice' as well?"

"Definitely,Ranchan,"replied Ukyou."Also,Ran-chan,what did you think of
'A Martial Artist In Sunnydale,'the Ranma/Buffy crossover starring dear
old Ryouga-kun?"

"Though it was rather short,it was still very good since it didn't
interfere with us being together.Though we haven't read too many non-
Ranma fics,do you think that the recently released Tenchi lemon
'Sasami's Horniest Home Videos' is still FAR more wholesome than all
the pro-Konatsu fics combined?"

"True,Ran-chan.In fact,of all the lemons released since December,it's an
early favorite for 'Best Lemon Fanfic' in next year's Chicken Balls.
Do you think that Robert Vincent deserves next year's 'The Best New
Author of the Year' award for 'The Truth is Beheld By All,'Ran-chan?"

"Definitely,Ucchan.While we're stiil here,Ucchan,why don't we give our
detractors something to talk about?"

"Why not,Ran-chan?"

**Music:"Something To Talk About,"by Bonnie Raitt**

As Ranma and Ukyou began kissing very passionately,Mike returned to the
podium.

"No,these are not actors...,"said Mike."...nor did I pay them to defend
me.Ranma and Ukyou were sent here all the way from Nerima by the
talented Ms.Takahashi.In next year's Chicken Balls please vote for
either Talen or John Nohkowski as 'Chicken Cannon Target of The Year.'
Thank you."

As Ranma, Ukyou, Mike Rhea, and Bonnie Raitt leave the stage, the announcer
speaks up one more.  "And now it's time for the "Procrastinator of the Year"
award, presented by the author of  'Mystery Science Theater 3.35' and 'This
is the Way the Millennium Ends...", Miss Ukyou Kuonji!"

The orchestra strikes up the 'No Brand Heroes' theme from Koko wa Greenwood
as Ukyou strides on-stage from the *opposite* side as 'she' left, resplendent
in a crisply-pressed tuxedo. Out of habit, several throwing spatulas are
peeking out from her violet cummerbund. Clutching her arm is Shun Kisaragi,
dressed in Clarisse's white wedding gown from the drama club production of
Cagliostro Castle. He waves to the audience as the two approach the podium.

Ukyou's smile is a bit crooked, as she glances offstage after Mike Rhea and
company, and adjusts the microphone. "Thank you, everyone," she announces,
followed by a murmured, "she isn't even my height..." She produces a gold
statuette of a kinetic cube balanced on one of its corners and rotating atop
what appears to be a thin spike extending from the base of the statue. "I
think they're calling this," and she gestures at the spinning cube, "the
Writer's Block. Shun and I are here tonight to present the Procrastinator of
the Year award for 1999, and I, for one, am proud to have been asked to do so."

A mischievous grin replaces Shun's broad smile. "You're not fooling me,
Ucchan. You're just glad you're not one of the nominees. By the way, when
ARE Suka-chan and I going to get some more action? I *know* people have been
asking about us..."

Ukyou's smile melts completely as she turns to her companion. "You know,
sugar, I really wouldn't phrase it that way if I were you: Suka-chan still
thinks you're a girl." Shun frantically tries to shush Ukyou, but she
continues. "For you to get some 'action' would not be a good idea, ne?"

"Ukyou, knock it off!"  Do you know how long it took me to talk him down after
Sempai referred to me as 'he' in Suka-chan's presence? Suppose he's in the
audience?"

Ukyou gives the audience a helpless look. "And people wonder why I can't
continue this thing when my leads won't cooperate. But to answer your
question, I have to get some of the manga translated before I can get back to
working on Extended Play. I wanna twist the original events, but I have to
know what they *are*, first."

"Slick way to slip a status report into someone else's fic, Ucchan."

Ukyou shrugs. "Not to mention advertising for a translator."

"A translator?" Shun looks aghast. "You can't read Japanese, Ucchan?"
Ukyou shakes her head. "And you call yourself a manga character... shame on
you."

"Hey, I notice you're speaking in perfect English, too... something you
shouldn't be able to do. Call it the 'Skyler Sands' effect. Anyway,
about what you were saying before, Shun-chan?" Shun nods, waiting for her to
continue... he is not kept waiting long. "I'll be honest: winning this award
is probably a dubious honor, but it's an honor nonetheless. It means people
are reading your fic, and they like your fic, and they want more of your fic,
and WILL YA PLEASE HURRY IT UP, SUGAR?"

Ukyou suddenly becomes aware of the fact that Shun his stuck his fingers in
his ears over her last outburst. A deep red blush washes across her cheeks.
"Uh... I'm done ranting now, sugar..." Her face retains a sheepish
expression as Shun uncorks his ears. "Anyway, I wouldn't mind being
nominated for it."

Shun grins. "It'd be better than nothing, ne?"

"Don't remind me," Ukyou groans, then perks up as she returns her attention
to the audience. "At any rate, the nominees have all been in progress longer
than we've been working on our fic... heck, some of these may have been going
on since before I started *writing*."

Flashing a big smile, Shun begins the list. "And they are...

-- Andrew Huang for "Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut"
Author E-mail: <alhuang@hcs.harvard.edu>
Fic is at: http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/~alhuang/>

-- Angus MacSpon for "Sailor Moon 4200"
Author E-mail: <macspon@ihug.co.nz>
Fic is at: http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/fanfic/index.html

-- Krista Perry for "Hearts of Ice"
Author E-mail: <kperry@aros.net>
Fic is at: http://www.akane.org/heartsofice.html

-- RPM for "The Pursuit of Happiness"
Author E-mail: <rpm@thekeep.org>,
Fic is at: http://www.thekeep.org/~rpm/fanfic

-- Zen for "The Long and Winding Road"
Author E-mail: <ayanami@mindspring.com>
Fic is at: http://www.mindspring.com/~databank/fanfics.html

Ukyou slips a envelope out from beneath her dress shirt, as Shun looks at her
in some surprise. She fumbles with the seal as she announces, "And the
winner is..."

Shun can't stop staring at Ukyou's shirt. "How'd you manage to hide that
thing there, anyway? That envelope's no postcard."

Ukyou doesn't even look up as she continues to struggle with the envelope.
"You'd be surprised at how much I can hide up there..." Shun's eyes widen,
and he struggles to keep from giggling. Ukyou still doesn't notice his
antics, though. "I've had years of practice, ya know." Finally, the seal
breaks, and she pulls out the card with the winning title. "Ah, here we
go..." She stares at the card, incredulous. "Well... Nabiki's gonna clean
up on this one..."

"How's that?"

"Oh," Ukyou shrugs, "it's just that this'll surprise the betting pool... it's
Andrew Huang, for 'Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut!' Come on up, Droo-chan!"

The orchestra launches into a rendition of "Fly Me to the Moon" as a young,
bespectacled Asian man in a nondescript black tuxedo walks slowly onto the
stage, a nervous smile on his face. Accompanying him is quite a pretty young
lady, wearing a long, flowing dark green dress. She is also smiling, but in a
rather smug fashion.

The two of them finally arrive at the podium. The man, Andrew Huang, bows to
Ucchan and Shun, shakes their hands, and accepts the award. Then, he turns to
the audience, sets the award on the podium, and clears his throat. He stares
out at everyone, clears his throat again, then licks his lips.

Nanami, the lady in the dress, elbows him.

"Ugh. Ah. Oh...excuse me." He chuckles--nervously, of course, and extracts a
piece of paper from the inner pocket in his tux jacket. "Er.... The
Procrastinator of the Year. Yes...I had a feeling I was going to be in the
running for this. Eh-heh." He stops, and pushes his glasses up on his face
(in the way that Ikari Gendou does, by the way). "I must say that...I
must say...."

Nanami now frowns a bit, and nudges him again, a bit more gently. "Stop
stalling," she murmurs to him.

"Er, I must say...I don't know whether to feel honored, or very, very
worried. Ahahaha." He scratches the back of his head, but before Nanami can
urge him on again, he continues. "It's nice that you folks do remember my
writing enough to vote for it...no, really. That's why I think I feel
honored. Thanks! Yes.

"On the other hand.... Well, er, I get this distinct feeling that you all are
trying to tell me something, er, right? Eh-heh. Well, you see.... No, I'm not
giving up on it. For real. I swear! It's just that I'm busy, you know? I'm a
college senior right now, looking for a job, finishing off classes...."

Andrew pauses for a moment. "Sometime this year. I swear," he answers a
person in the audience. "Part four is in progress. Really." He mutters
something to Nanami, which prompts a small giggle from her, before
continuing. "I mean, I've enjoyed writing Evanjellydonut. It's been a lot of
fun, and I know that a lot of people have had fun reading it. At least,
so they tell me."

He relaxes a bit, now. "I've got some things planned for them all. Misato,
Kaji, Gendou, Hikari, the Children.... Eh?" A voice bursts out from
offstage, and Andrew suddenly stops, looking off to the wings.

"Get ON with it, you <bleeeep><bleep>!" A girl stomps out from the wings,
pale-skinned and blue-haired. She might pass for Rei Ayanami, apart from the
uncharacteristically furious expression on her face and the black T-shirt
she's wearing. If it weren't for the fact that most of the text is mosaicked
out (hey, this is anime, after all), one might be able to see that the shirt
is littered with obscenities and expletives.

It is, in fact, Irate Rei, and she is by no means finished with her tirade.
"Do you have any IDEA how long we've been waiting to give Asuka the thrashing
she deserves?"

Ukyou blinks. "Wasn't Asuka-chan already in the hospital when Andrew left
off?"

Irate Rei whirls on Ukyou. "That's ANOTHER thing! So was *I*, after Unit 02
did a number on my Eva! How much longer before we get OUT of there and get
ON with things?"

Another Rei steps out onto the platform. She is dressed in her usual
body-hugging plugsuit, and has a more typically neutral expression.
Professional Rei's tones are quiet and nearly robotic, much more in character
for her. "Much as I dislike such excessive display of pique, Irate is quite
right. There is, after all, that new Angel, Zeruel, that we have to deal
with." She cracks her knuckles, loudly. "And I, for one, am more than
ready..."

"AND SO ARE WE!" With that offstage battle-cry, there comes the thunder of
feet, and in short order, the entire platform is practically sagging under
the weight of countless Ayanami Reis, a number of them wearing the
traditional school uniform, others dressed more in line with their individual
personality fragment, swarming onto every otherwise unoccupied square inch of
stage.

"Let's get on with the story! We haven't had a chance to get a line in!"
various Reis start shouting. "See? Even now, we're just referred to as
'various.' Do you know what it's LIKE not to get your moment in the sun?"

One Rei dressed in what could best be described as 'something a bit more...
comfortable' sidles up to Andrew. "And I've only just gotten *started* with
Shinji-kun..."

Affectionate Rei continues, actually rubbing herself up against her, ah,
'creator.' "I know you don't do lemons, Droo-san, but I *know* I could get
farther than I already have if you'd just give me the chance." A large
sweatdrop runs down the back of Andrew's head, and his eyes dart back and
forth between the sultry look Affectionate is giving him and the smoke
beginning to rise from Nanami's ears.

Ukyou notices a Rei hanging back in the wings, shifting her feet. "Hey,
aren't you Nervous?" Nervous Rei nods. "Well, then aren't you supposed ta be
out here keeping Affectionate in line?"

Nervous Rei backs further into the wings. "In front of all these people?"

Ukyou shrugs and turns back to the stage. "I might have known." She
squeezes her way back to the podium, where yet another Rei, this one in a red
plugsuit, drums her fingers on the podium thoughtfully.

"Well, you know," Devil's Advocate Rei murmurs, "I suspect Asuka isn't too
upset about the delay..."

She is promptly shouted down by a large and vociferous group of Reis led by
Affectionate and Irate. "WE WANT MORE!! WE WANT MORE!!" Several Reis hoist
Andrew onto their shoulders and the entire mob of Reis carry him off,
chanting all the way.

There is a glint of golden metal at the foot of the podium, and Shun leans
over to investigate. He picks up the kinetic cube that fell from its perch
during the fracas. "Uh... looks like they knocked Andrew's block off..."

Ukyou is looking out into the audience. "He wasn't the only one..."
Evidently, someone tried to cop a feel from one of the Reis as the crowd
swarmed past him. Judging from the fact that his chair has been ripped out
and smashed over him, the hapless fanboy made the mistake of goosing
Kickboxer Rei. "Ah... could somebody call for an ambulance?"

While Ukyou heads offstage to arrange for medical assistance, Nanami stands
at the podium, staring off in the direction that Andrew has just been
abducted. After a few more seconds of silence, she turns to the audience,
blinking. "Ah...well. I guess...it'll be up to me to finish off his
acceptance speech." She reaches down to pick up the paper, which had fallen
on the floor in the commotion. She starts to speak, then pauses a moment.
"Didn't I have to do this the last time, too?" A shrug. "Oh well. He owes me
another one," she says, with a grin.

Shun blinks. "Owes you another... another what?"

Nanami giggles. "That's between me and him... he knows where to meet me to
discuss it."

"And that would be... where?"

"Why, Sprovieri's Ristorante, of course... best Italian food in Japan." Shun
shrugs, and concedes the podium to Nanami. "Anyway. Hmm.... 'And who could
forget the Council of Aya....' How wonderfully ironic. 'And who could forget
the Council of Ayanami? That part's always been something I've enjoyed
doing. Even got some things planned for the bridge bunnies. So just be
patient, and there'll be more Donut coming out. I promise. Really promise.
Pinky-swear promise, so help me God. I'm not kidding.'" Nanami pauses, and
smirks slightly. "Yes, he actually wrote that. 'So, I'd like to thank my
prereaders, the folks on KawaiiMuck, and everyone who's dropped a note with
me to say that they like my stuff. I've really appreciated the support and
help. Of course, I must thank Jinnai Nanami--'" here, Nanami pauses and
blushes slightly-- "'for her help and inspiration. And as for the award--I
think I'll feel more honored than worried. Thank you very much.'" She
smiles to the audience. "So there you have it. And I'd like to reiterate,
on Andrew's behalf, he's working on it. Really. Good night! ...now, to find
where they took him...."

Suddenly, the lights dim. The auditorium falls silent, save for the
announcer's voice. "And now...."

Music begins. Timpani thunders like the footfalls of some inexorably
approaching behemoth, alternating between high and low notes. A trumpet
blares out a fanfare; another joins in, then another.

"YES!" Gary's voice calls out. "It's the moment you've all been waiting
for! Um... well, actually, it's the moment for which you've all been
waiting. Or maybe...."

A low thump, a brief muffled "oof," and something thuds against the
floor.

Megane's voice continues. "Yes, it's the Chicken Cannon! We've assembled
the people who YOU most wanted to see receive their just desserts -- heh
-- and here they are now!"

Spotlights flood the stage. Behind Megane stands a fiendish contraption
that bears a striking resemblance to the infamous 'Cone of Tragedy' as seen
in the PC game 'Sam and Max Hit the Road'  It is an oversized yellowish
teepee with three sets of bungee cords hanging from the tip with a pair of
stainless steel protective anklewear (shackles) attached to the ends of them.
The shackles are completely empty. Megane, evidently not noticing, begins
reading from a clipboard.

"Our first victim calls himself John Slim. He posted to the FFML a flame
against...." He trails off as he sees Daisuke shaking his head.

"We can't bring 'Slim' up here to be Chicken Cannoned," Hiroshi says.

"Why not?"

"Because we promised that we wouldn't give away his identity as long as
he didn't try to rejoin the FFML. Which he hasn't done."

"Kasumi's the one who promised him," Daisuke says. "I wouldn't want
Kasumi mad at me." Hiroshi nods.

Rubbing a lump on the back of his head, Gary begins to read from the
TelePrompTer. "Okay, then. Our second victim is Rebeka Thomas. She...."
The Horny Duo again shake their heads no. "Her too?"

"No one's seen any sign of Rebeka since right before the Spammer of the
Year award," Hiroshi says. "If we can't find her, we can't very well
cannon-ize her."

Megane checks down his list. "What about the last one? The Eternal Lost
Lurker?"

"He left about an hour ago. Said something about candy asses and how us
losers should go rot in a pit of our own excrement or something like
that. We didn't catch all of it, but what we did hear added greatly to
our passive vocabularies."

"Damn it!" Megane tosses his clipboard away; an "ouch!" is heard from
the orchestra pit a moment later. "This is no good! Our faithful CB
volunteer staff has been working day in, day out for years to make this
ceremony possible! Think of the massive, crushing disappointment they'll
have to endure if no one gets...."

Suddenly, Megane's eyes narrow thoughtfully. He puts his hand to his
chin for a moment. He and Gary look at each other, and then erupt in a
storm of laughter that would make Clayton Forrester proud.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Megane asks.

Gary stops laughing and stares back blankly.

"Er, that's all right." Megane motions to the backstage crew. "Let's
bring out our volunteer staff. All the hard work that they've put into
this deserves a... special... reward, don't you think?"

As the backstage crew leaves to search for the others, Megane takes Gary aside
and whispers something that the audience can't hear.  Gary's face lights up
and with an evil grin, he takes a notepad out of his pocket and begins
scribbling furiously on it for a few moments.  Then he motions for Hiroshi
and Daisuke to come over.

"What's up, boss?"  Hiroshi asks.

"Shouldn't you guys be blasting somebody by now?"  Daisuke adds.

"Listen up, we're going to need you guys to do a little shopping for us...."


* * *


It isn't long before the entire CB staff is gathered on-stage, looking
as confused as the audience.  "You want us all to take our bows now?"
Zoogz inquires.  "Uh, shouldn't we do that AFTER we blast the Chicken
Cannon Targets?"

"Yeah, where are those three, anyway?  Shouldn't they at least be hooked
up to the machine by now?"  Ukyou asks, a suspicious look on her face.

"Er... well... we decided that it would be better to do it now before the stage
is covered with food and other crap...."  Gary explains while Megane nods
in agreement.

"Hey, I'm not afraid to get a little dirty...."  Alan begins.

"No, he's right!"  KaraOhki exclaims.  "They put some WEIRD stuff in that
cannon and I had my fur groomed at great expense for this event!

"You're lucky!  All I had to wear was these jeans and sneakers.  I couldn't even
afford a shirt!"  Avatar gestures at his ensemble.

"I agree with KaraOhki!  Let's do the bowing now while the stage is safe and
clean!"  Fido says.

"Okay, let's just do it then!  Time's a wasting and I wanna see the chicken
stuff fly out of the cannon thingy!"  Nightman adds.

"And BEEF!  Don't forget the BEEF!  Where's the BEEF?!?"  Dan shouts
happily.

"Hey, wait a minute!  Where's Bastion?"  Megane inquires.

Hiroshi looks at Daisuke who mutters nervously, "Umm... we couldn't find
him.  He's very elusive, you see, and...."

Suddenly the person in question rushes onto the stage, out of breath.  "S-Sorry,
I'm late, guys.  Did I miss anything important?"

"Nope, you're just in time!  Line up with the rest of us!"  Megane exclaims as
Bastion does so.  A moment later, the announcer's voice is heard.  "Ladies
and Gentlemen, let's give a special round of applause to the CB staff for all
of their hard work and dedication to putting these awards together!"

The audience rise to their feet, thunderously applauding the efforts of the CB
crew as they all join hands and bow to the audience as one.  Unbeknownst to
them, however, Hiroshi and Daisuke have returned from their little shopping trip
and are, even now, silently attaching a pair of protective anklewear to each of
the CB staff's ankles.  By the time the CB staff are on their third bow, the
job is complete as they scurry away unseen, snickering to themselves.

As Gary bows for the third time, he glances backstage to see Hiroshi and
Daisuke giving him a thumbs up.  With an evil smile, Gary releases Megane's
hand and taps him once on the back.  Once everyone has straightened up,
Megane and Gary abruptly break ranks and rush off-stage... or at least that's
what they try to do, only to have their legs yanked out from under them as
they crash facefirst on the stage.

"NOW!!!"  Hiroshi and Daisuke call out simultaneously as a stagehand
activates a switch on the Cone of Tragedy.  The CB crew scream as they
all have their legs yanked out from under them, flipping them over to hang
upside down by their ankles around the Cone.  There are numerous
exclaimations of pain, fear, confusion and anger, along with a few choice
four-letter words.

"W-Where did we go wrong?!?" Gary gasps, disoriented.

"You IDIOTS!!!  You weren't supposed to shackle *OUR* ankles!!!"
Megane roars at the horny duo.

"Hey, that's what you get for playing mean tricks on your friends!"  Hiroshi
retorts.

"Not to mention what happens when you refuse to pay us for overtime!"
Daisuke added as he smirks at Gary.

"W-What are you talking about?  I don't pay you at all!" Gary replied weakly
as the blood rushed to his head. "I'd pay to get rid of you if I thought it
would work!"

"Oh yeah... uh... er... Y-you were still going to do a bad thing so it's... it's
our job to see that you get punished for it!  Yeah!  That's the ticket!"
Hiroshi explains.

"S-So you're going to let the o-others go then?"  Megane inquires, trying to
ignore the pounding of his temples.

"Oh, hell no,"  Daisuke replies with a grin as he takes a remote control out
of his pocket and begins fiddling with its knob.

The CB crew members scream in terror as the Cone of Tragedy begins to
spin around, slowly at first, but going faster with every passing second as
Hiroshi approaches the podium.

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, *FINALLY* the moment you've been waiting
for all evening... Here are the 'Chicken Cannon Targets of 1999!'"  Hiroshi
announces proudly as the Cone of Tragedy suddenly stops spinning and splits
into two parts, folding out into a wall with the CB crew members hanging
next to each other by the ankles.

The crowd suddenly comes to life as an enormous pressure cannon is wheeled
out on-stage by a series of nameless grunts, dressed in combat fatigues.  They
are led out on stage by the duo of Tatewaki Kuno and Nabiki Tendo.  The
familar chant of TOGGG!!! TOGGG!!! TOGGG!!! is deafening as the grunts
struggle to aim the enormous maw of the pressure cannon at the hapless CB
crew, all of whom pale considerably, an amazing feat since they're all hanging
upside down.

"And now, ladies and gentlemen... the ammunition."  Hiroshi exclaims as
he and Daisuke suddenly pull on some arm-length rubber gloves, while
stagehands bring in several buffet tables covered with trays of food and other
items.  The announcer's voice suddenly comes to life, providing a running
commentary as Hiroshi and Daisuke begin throwing food items by the tray
into the cannon's barrel...

"Tonight's ammo includes... Water balloons... Rocks...."

"This is the part where I'm showered with praise, riches and women, right?"
Alan mutters weakly.

"...Assorted Condiments...."

"BASTARD!" Bastion screams, struggling in vain to free himself.

"...Spam... Q-Tips... Venezuelan Beaver Cheese... Horseradish...."

"I regret I have only one avatar to sacrifice."  Zoogz proclaims, determined
to meet his end like a man.

"...Chicken Mcnuggets with BBQ sauce...."

"Oh (we're about to get sunk by Senshi), dear!"  Nightman yelps.

"...BGC plushies... Milkbones...."

"Top of the world, Ma!"  Fido exclaims in his best James Cagney impression.

"...Honey Garlic Sauce... Fettucine Alfredo... Kraft Miniature Marshmallows...."

"MMMMMENDOSSSSSSAAAAAA!!!"  Megane screams.

"...Carrot cake with lotsa cream cheese frosting... hot fudge sauce...
anchovies...."

"MIYAH--HELP!!"  KaraOhki cries out.

"...Loosely packed $100 and $500 bills...."

"Stercus, stercus, stercus, moritus sum."  Avatar chants quietly.

"...Okonomiyaki with a gallon of sauce...."

"Hey, that isn't my Okonomiyaki... RHEA, YOU *BASTARD*!"  Ukyou screams.

"...Happosai's entire collection of unmentionables... Raw Beef...."

"BEEF!"  Dan exclaims happily.

"And FINALLY, because it's provided us with so much comedy over the
years... industrial-grade sneezing powder!"

Hiroshi and Daisuke slip on a pair of gas masks and with a great effort,
toss a huge sack of sneezing powder into the dripping and oozing maw of
the cannon.  Finally, they scurry away from the cannon to a safe distance
on the side of the stage.

"Let's start the countdown!  Five!"  Hiroshi exclaims.

"Four!"  Daisuke continues.

"THREE!!!"  The audience chants.

"Twuuo!"  Doctor Lecter shouts from backstage, his mouth full.

"O-one...."  The CB crew whimper.

"FIRE!!!"

With a deafening roar, the massive cannon discharges. "OOF!" is the
only sound Gary Kleppe makes as the blast hits him.  The others merely hold
little umbrellas in their hands as they feel the wrath of the Chicken Cannon.
When the volume of the blast has subsided, the audience breaks into wild
applause as the sounds of many explosive sneezes come from the now-obscured
stage area.  Hiroshi and Daisuke approach the edge of the stage and joining
hands, bow.

"Does this mean we'll finally get some chicks?"  Hiroshi wonders aloud as the
curtain slowly comes down.


THE END.

C&C, as always, is welcome.  :)


CB HOMEPAGE MAINTAINERS: Alan Harnum, Gary Kleppe, Dan Root

CB HOSTS: Gary Kleppe and Megane 6.7

CB INTERVIEW COORDINATOR: Zoogz

CB INTERVIEWERS: Fido, Megane 6.7, Ukyou, Zoogz

CB PRESENTERS: Everybody!  Some of us twice!   ;P

CB AWARDS SEGUES: Gary Kleppe, Megane 6.7, Zoogz

CB MUSICAL: Avatar and Bastion

CB EDITING: Gary Kleppe, Megane 6.7, Zoogz

CB OPENING 'CHICKENBALL' SKETCH: Ukyou

CB VOTE COUNTER: Ukyou


Alan Harnum  <harnums@thekeep.org>
http://www.thekeep.org/~mike/transp.html

Andy 'Avatar' Kent  <akent@pdq.net>
http://members.tripod.com/~AvatarHR/pl.html

Bastion  <bastion@ix.netcom.com>
http://pweb.netcom.com/~bastion/index1.htm

Dan Root <dar@thekeep.org>

David 'Fido' Linquist <bgcrisis@rma.edu>

Gary Kleppe <kleppe@mediaone.net>
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html

KaraOhki  <karaohki@snet.net>
http://www.fortunecity.com/victorian/rothko/228/

Megane 6.7  <fcasper@yesic.com>
http://members.xoom.com/RyanMercury/megfics.html

Scott 'Zoogz' Jamison  <zoogz@yahoo.com>
http://www.fotunecity.com/victorian/dada/1212/

Steven 'Nightman' Cornett  <cornetts@gemair.com>

Ukyou  <UkyouKwnji@aol.com>


* * *


There is a gurgling sound and two gasps of relief as Megane and Gary
finally extract themselves from the sea of goo on the stage.

"Ha-choo!"  Megane wipes his nose and sniffs once.  "I wonder if we can find
a dry cleaner at this hour?" Megane mutters as he takes off one of his shoes
and turns it upside down, anchovies and honey garlic sauce spilling out.

"I don't know, let's try and find one while we plot our revenge for those two
idiots...." Gary replies darkly as he struggles to remove a pair of Happosai's
panties from his hair....

Suddenly, both of them are covered by a large shadow. Megane suddenly
has a flashback to that moment in 'The Shadow' when Tim Curry was about
to get his ass royally kicked as he and Gary swallow nervously and glance
behind them.

A large, almost human-looking glob towers over them.  Then, a chorus of
voices, speaking as one, mutter the following words....

"THIS WASN'T DISCUSSED IN REHEARSAL."

Megane and Gary have the briefest of moments to blink in surprise. Then Fido
suddenly charges from the goo, his eyes full of fire and his voice full of
bloodlust as he and the rest of the CB crew scream.

"DIE!!!"


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