A WARRIOR'S LAMENT
Story by Osiris Brackhaus
MiSTing by Dreelyn
   and Juliet Youngren
With special guest riffer Jack Acid

NOTE:  The piece of fiction contained in this MiSTing is rated NC-17.
It also contains spoilers for _Fellowship of the Ring_.

[Open on SoL theater.  Joel and the Bots are seated as usual, watching
_Fellowship of the Ring_ (subtitled in Japanese) on the big screen.
Joel is eating popcorn from a carton.  The mood is in general much
more relaxed than the average experiment.]

Joel:  Ahh, this is the life.  *Good* movies for a change.
Tom:  Yeah, we should have realized years ago that we could get
      satellite TV reception, since we're on a satellite.  [pause] I'm
      sure you'll figure out how to get more than one channel
      eventually.
Joel:  I had a "little black box" back home that could get all the
       channels...
Crow:  Is that like a "little black book"?
Joel:  No, Crow.
Tom:  Still, Japanese Pay-Per-View has some pretty cool stuff.
Crow:  Shhh--I love this part.
[They watch in silence for a few moments.]
Crow:  It's the part where Shogun Bolomir asks Samurai Aragoln if he
       wants to blow the bamboo horn of the Ancient City.
Tom:  What?!
Crow:  Well, that's what the subtitles say, anyway.
Tom:  Really? Joel, would you turn on my Japanese-translation filter?
Joel:  You don't have a Japanese-translation filter.  Hey, I'm out of
       popcorn.
Tom:  Coming right up.  
[Tom starts air-popping corn in his dome.  They watch the movie in
silence for a while.  When Tom's dome is full, he leans over and
spills some of the popcorn into Joel's bucket.]
Joel:  Thanks, buddy.
[Suddenly, the screen is filled with the evilly grinning face of Dr.
Forrester.]
All:  AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Dr. F:  Well, well, well, boobies, and just what do you think you're
        doing?
Joel:  We were...um...getting ready for another one of your wonderful
       experiments?
Dr. F:  I don't think so! I was trying to figure out why the mind-
        monitor was showing pleasant sensations coming from this
        theater in the off-hours, and now I know.
Tom:  Uh, oh.
Dr. F:  How am I supposed to break your minds if you watch *good*
        movies in between experiments?
Joel:  Well, just one good movie really, sir.  But we've seen it
       twelve times already.
Crow:  And it isn't even that good.  It has distracting Japanese
       subtitles.
Tom:  Very incorrect Japanese subtitles.
Joel:  Right.  So you see, we haven't been enjoying ourselves *that*
       much.
Tom:  No, not really very much at all.
Dr. F:  Enough!  You're going to get *such* a story today, you'll
        wish you'd never even heard of Middle-Earth.  But first, how
        about an invention exchange, hmm?
Joel:  Well, you've kind of seen our invention already, sir.  It's a
       system which allows me to get cable reception up here on the
       Satellite of Love.  It only gets one channel so far, but I hope
       to expand it later.
Dr. F:  Well, you're now seeing *my* latest invention in effect, and
        with that, you won't get any channels at all.
All:  Aaaawwww!
Dr. F:  Yes, it's my new handy-dandy satellite signal jammer.  Not
        only does it block out all entertainment frequencies that you
        might actually enjoy, but it beams up whatever piece of
        torture I have selected for your experiment.  And I've got a
        *special* treat for you today--I guarantee you'll never look
        at Aragorn or Boromir the same way again.  Are you folks
        familiar with the concept of "slash"?
Tom:  Long, diagonal-ish cutting motion?
Dr. F:  Not exactly.  It's a fanfic which involves two men having sex.
Tom:  Two men?
Crow:  Having...Joel?
Joel:  Dr. F, you wouldn't!
Dr. F:  I wouldn't, but they sure do!  Have fun, boobies.
[His image vanishes.  The screen is dark for a few seconds.]
Tom:  [sniffling] Joel, this is going to be a tough one ....
Joel:  [pats Tom] There, there, be strong.  We'll get through it.
       I'll even let you guys make dirty jokes this time.
Crow:  Really?  Yaaay!
Tom:  Thanks, Joel!  You're the best!

> A Warrior's Lament

Tom:  Hey, I'm already lamenting.

> by Osiris Brackhaus
>
> I had failed.

Tom:  Not a lot of confidence in this guy, eh?
Joel:  We now take you to Angsty Nameless Guy...

>
> The first warrior of Gondor had fallen,

Tom:  So, he killed the first warrior of Gondor? Doesn't sound to
      me like he failed.
Crow:  If this is Boromir, I thought he *was* the first warrior of
       Gondor.
Tom:  A suicide, then?

> though his people
> had never been in greater need of him before,

Joel:  I could see Boromir thinking he was indispensable.
Tom:  [Boromir] Gondor needs no king--they've got ME!

> due to my
> lack of skill;

Crow:  Well, ineptitude usually does cause failure...

> My father's eldest son had fallen, though he had pledged to
> ease the old man's burden, only for my vanity;

Joel:  So he vainly hoped to ease his father's burden?

> I had fallen, fallen from grace,

Crow:  [warrior] I've fallen, and forsooth, I cannot get up!

> fallen to the lure of a
> power I desired to save my people,

Joel:  [fisherman] Now, if you wanna catch them angsty nameless
       warrior fish, put some power on your hook.  Lures 'em every
       time.

> only due to my lack of
> faith.

Crow:  So which was it?  The lure of power or lack of faith?
Tom:  Angsty *and* indecisive.

> but worst of all, most painful in loss, the man who had
> given his oath to protect my one true love,

Joel:  Isn't that usually the kind of oath you make *yourself*...?

> who had pledged
> to keep my love free of sorrow--this one man had fallen,
> too,

Crow:  That's, like, five people who've fallen in just the first few
       lines of this story.
Tom:  Someone must have just waxed the floor or something.

> failing all his oaths simply by getting himself slain.

Joel:  And so far, Boromir's killed about five different people.
Tom:  Or he has a very murderous split personality.

> I had failed.

Crow:  The pointy end goes *toward* the enemy, stupid!
Tom:  But they offered this war again in the spring term, so he could
      retake it.

> I knew I was lying on the slopes of Amon Hen,

Crow:  [Boromir] ...right opposite Amon Rooster.

> where we had
> prepared to camp before passing into

Joel:  [Boromir] An eternal slumber from which we never awakened.

> the Emyn Muil
> tomorrow.  We had been ambushed by a horde of orcs,
> unusually huge, unsuspectedly attacking

Crow:  An ambush usually does imply an unexpected attack....
Joel:  Yeah, if you know about it, it's just not a *real* ambush.  
       Takes all the fun out of it.

> by daylight--and had
> our fellowship not been separated, we might have stood a
> chance against them.

All:  Doh!

> But then, alas, it had been me who caused our little group
> to split apart,

Joel:  [Boromir] "Run as an independent candidate"?  What was I
       thinking?!

> me who allowed our enemy a chance to attack
> us singly

Joel:  As opposed to doubly?

> and without time to prepare a defence.

Crow:  [Tattoo] De Fence!  De Fence!

> I had failed, and maybe the fact that I was dying now would
> prevent me from spoiling

Crow:  [Minnewegian] Dead nameless narrators do tend to spoil if you
       don't cover 'em up and refrigerate 'em, don'tcha know.
Joel:  Not if you freeze-dry them.

> future events of greater impact
> than this little skirmish.
>
> Maybe the world was better off
> without me.

Joel:  Sure took him long enough to realize the truth.

> Maybe, except for one.

Tom:  [Boromir] ...the one that I haven't bothered to name yet...

> My Lover knelt next to my bleeding body, holding my head in
> his arms gently.

Joel:  [Lover] Well, I *told* you the whips and chains were a bad
       idea.
Crow:  Joel, I'm getting those uncomfortable images again.
Joel:  Keep repressing them, Crow.

> He had always had the strength to renew my
> confidence, always had the calm to reign in my temper,

Tom:  Whoa, Boy!

> always had a smile to pierce the gloom my world seemed to
> drown in.

Crow:  [singing, as Boromir] Did you ever know that you're my hero/
       You're everything I would like to be/I can fly higher than an
       eagle/'Cause you are the wind beneath my wings....
Tom:  How does one pierce a liquid, exactly?

> He had touched my heart

Tom:  Eewww!

> and being with hope and
> understanding, and his unconditional love had graced the
> last days of my life with unexpected joy.

Joel:  So his lover's a Golden Retriever...

> I could feel his grief, hear his unworded pleas trying to
> call life back into my dying body.

Tom:  How does one hear unworded pleas?
Crow:  Hey, if a Boromir cries out in silent agony in the forest, does
       anyone hear him?
Joel:  But he didn't call 10-10-220, so he didn't save a buck or two.

> My love for him filled
> my being,

Crow:  [Barry White] Oh, baby!
Tom:  [shakes head] A world where hot elf women exist and these two
      guys want each *other*?

> blazing away all the doubts I had accumulated,
> wiping away all weariness, all sorrow.  Feeling his love
> pure and strong calling out to me, I knew that the one
> thing I had done right was to love him.

Joel:  [Boromir] And have a fanatical devotion to the Pope!
       ...Love...and Pope...the TWO things I've done right...!

> And how arrogant I had thought him to be at first!

Tom:  Isn't this guy supposed to be dying?

> Arrogant, condescending, eyeing me with that calm, silent
> hint of disgust that man usually only encounters in the
> eyes of an elf.

Crow:  [Boromir] Listening, Legolas?
Joel:  The eyes of an elf would be pretty disgusting if you just came
       across them lying in the woods.
Tom:  In the nose of an elf, however, one encounters talking fast-food
      canine mascots.

> But though his manners and his wisdom clearly showed his
> elven upbringing, his body was that of

Tom:  --A machine!
Joel:  He's the Terminator!

> a man, and I am sure
> that this is one fact about him that I know better than any
> other mortal.

Joel:  You think Aragorn would know it pretty well, himself...
Crow:  ...Wait, elves don't have those bits too?
Joel:  So much for all those Legolas slash fics.

> Still holding me in his arms, his love was like a beacon to
> me, still anchoring my thoughts in this world,

Tom:  It's a beacon that anchors!
Joel:  It's a metaphor that mixes!

> bending my
> thoughts towards him.

Crow:  And also acts as a powerful magnet!
Joel:  Now how much would you pay?
Tom:  Boromir's thoughts aren't the only thing that's getting bent
      around here....

> And though all other surroundings
> began to dissolve into the greyness of utter unimportance,

Crow:  If only this fic could!
Tom:  Funny, I thought it already had.

> memories of moments shared with him came into my mind,
> ephemeral like clouds at first, but then ever more intense,
> ever more important.

Crow:  [narrator] I remember it as if it were....a flashback!
Joel:  Death scene not going anywhere for a while?  Have a Snickers.

> How we had encountered first

Tom:  Encountered what?

> in the House of Elrond,

Crow:  In the House of Enron?
Joel:  Don't take the retirement plan, Boromir!  'Tis a cruel orcish
       trick!

> how he
> had seemed so all-knowing,

Joel:  First he's a dog, and now he's God.
Tom:  Maybe Boromir's metaphorically dyslexic.

> so elvenly unconcerned about all
> the troubles that had brought me to seek the counsel of his
> foster-father.

Tom:  Isn't his foster-father elvish, too?
Crow:  [Boromir] Actually, no one in Rivendell seemed to give a hang
       about my problems in the least.

> Haughty, he had seemed to me,

Joel:  Hey, Yoda's joined the cast!

> giving me the impression that
> though he knew of my sorrows, they were too small to be of
> concern to him,

Crow:  Bet that's not all that's too small to--
Joel:  Crow!
Crow:  You said we could make dirty jokes!
Joel:  Within reason.
Crow:  You're no fun.

> and that instead of throwing tantrums like
> an unwilling child

Tom:  Don't most children willingly throw tantrums?

> I ought to grow up to have a look at the
> greater picture.

Joel:  [Boromir] I think it was a picture of some woman named Lisa, or
       something like that.
Tom:  "Greater picture" sounds too modern.  I'm sure Boromir means
      "portrait".
Crow:  Or "tapestry"!  The greater tapestry!

> He hit my very nerve,

Tom:  [Boromir] Ouch!  You're getting on my last nerve, Aragorn!

> with that, I have to admit.  Whatever
> I said, he just sat there, smiled and nodded

Crow:  [Aragorn, thinking] Smile and nod, don't make eye contact,
       maybe he'll go away...

> or, after some
> moments of sophisticated silence, corrected me like a child
> willing yet unable to learn.

Joel:  Boromir's a candidate for special education, apparently.

> I cannot say that I looked forward to the day when he, oh
> mighty Aragorn

Tom:  Aragorn is mighty.  Aragorn is a friend to all children.
Bots:  [sing] Aragon is really neat!  Aragorn is full of meat!  We're
       all eating A-ra-gorn!

> son of Arathorn, would ride into the city of
> my fathers, claiming the throne my family had struggled to
> keep standing for so many generations.

Crow:  [Aragorn] Thanks for holding the throne for me, Boromir, old
       buddy.
Joel:  Boromir comes from a long line of carpenters, apparently.

> I am by no means
> good at losing a battle,

Tom:  Isn't he dying?  That would imply he's not good at winning
      battles, either.

> but being confronted with a man
> who could take away all that my family had kept for
> millennia by his mere existence,

Joel:  Aragorn works for the IRS, apparently.

> without a chance of denial
> or even defence

Tom:  Defeat of deduct went over defence before detail.

> was tormenting to my heart.
>
> And yet, he had a way with words.

Tom:  Funny that Aragorn has a way with words and Boromir is
      rattling off these tongue-twisting sentences!
Joel:  Yes.  Boromir is very eloquent in his head, but has trouble
       expressing his thoughts vocally.  Special ed.  Told you.

> Once he shed that cloak

Crow:  Oh, we're getting to the sex already?

> of elven quiet around him,

Crow:  Doh.

> he spoke like a true King of
> men, passionately yet full of wisdom.

Joel:  Kings of elves speak calmly and simply.
Tom:  And kings of orcs just grunt.

> His manners and his
> bearing clearly showed that though maybe rugged in
> appearance,

Tom:  Do you see Aragorn as an SUV or something?
Joel:  I wouldn't call Aragorn's appearance "rugged."
Crow:  "Unwashed"?
Joel:  Of course, he's at Elrond's, so he's not mucking around in the
       woods anymore.
Crow:  No, that's later in the story--but replace the "m" with an "f."

> he was undeniably of royal blood, superior yet
> gracefully taking care of all mere mortals.

Tom:  Now Aragorn is God.  Definitely.  Again.

> And on top of

All:  [singing] ...spaghetti/All covered with cheese...

> all of this, he was handsome!  Be it in a skinny, almost
> elven fashion,

Joel:  I thought that Kate Moss look was so over.
Crow:  Maybe he's just really hungry.  Poor guy--someone should just
       give him a sandwich.

> handsome he was,

Tom:  Yoda lives!

> and that knowing sparkle in
> his dark eyes

Joel:  Santa!

> brought up images of the most inappropriate
> yet pleasant kind to my mind's eye.

Crow:  [Boromir] Images of Pauley Shore tied to a chair, his toes
       dipped in honey and nibbled on by ants....

>
> It wasn't the first time I laid my eyes on a warrior in
> such ways, and I have shared my blankets with quite a few
> of them.

Crow:  It's nice to see Boromir plays well with others.  

> My father had always frowned on such adventures,

Tom:  Yes, usually fathers aren't thrilled to find out their sons
      boink everything that moves.

> but as I chose my 'partners in crime' not only for their
> looks but also for their discretion, nothing worse than my
> father's frown had ever happened.  

Crow:  They're so discreet, he apparently never gets any.

> And so I couldn't be
> bothered to consider it a problem, when everybody else
> merely shrugged and looked away.

Joel:  [random other person] Oh gods, Boromir's screwing the regiment
       again...
Tom:  So the whole regiment is gay?  No wonder Aragorn's family moved
      north.

> Not that I was not
> interested in women, by any means,

Crow:  [Boromir] My door swings both ways, baby!

> but when your intent is
> mostly carnal

Tom:  *Mostly* carnal?
Joel:  He wants a little polite conversation and maybe a drink or two,
       first.

> and you are not in the mood for wooing--
> sharing your passions with a man of a likewise narrow
> mindset definitely has got its advantages.

Crow:  So he sleeps with men as a way of avoiding foreplay?
Joel:  Looks that way.

> And until then,
> falling in love had never been a weakness of mine.

Tom:  Gee, I'm surprised.  He seems like such a touchy-feely, romantic
      kind of guy...

> But in this particular case, the fact that I developed a
> romantic inclination towards this supposed heir proved to
> be quite a hindrance.

Tom:  He's only the supposed heir?
Crow:  Suppose so.

> For one thing, it is hard to keep
> focused in a dispute when a part of your mind keeps
> constantly undressing your opponent.

Crow:  Gives new meaning to "Reach out and touch someone", eh?
Joel:  I've seen swashbucklers remove a lady's clothing with a rapier,
       but I bet it'd be a lot harder with a broadsword....
Tom:  And messy if you failed.

> And then, when you've
> already got quite a temper,

Tom:  Come now, Boromir--I find that hard to believe!

> it starts flaring a hundred
> times easier when the one triggering your anger is subject
> to unfulfilled desire.

Joel:  Now he's subjecting Aragorn to his unfulfilled desires.

> So, as you can imagine, I managed to
> pretty much ruin our 'relationship' within the first days.

Tom:  [Aragorn] We had a relationship?

> He kept on treating me from up above,

Crow:  [Aragorn] Here you go, little Boromir--some ice cream for you.

> I kept on insulting
> him, treating him like horse-dung myself.

Tom:  [Boromir] I shoveled him up and threw him under the bushes.

> Never pretended to be good at things of love, anyway.

Crow:  What kind of things?  Handcuffs?  Leather?  Astroglide?
Joel:  Ick.

>
> [~~~]

Tom:  I see they're bridging the gap.

>
> And so we set out on our quest, leaving Rivendell on our
> way to Mordor, my heart filled both with hate and desire.
> And he was there, constantly watching me,

All:  [sing] "I always feel like/Somebody's watching me..."

> trying to see me
> make any mistake that would justify his low opinion of me.

Joel:  God, he must be blind.

> Constantly offering oily help when he thought I couldn't
> manage on my own.

Joel:  Maybe Aragorn needs a shower...?
Crow:  I hate to think of what else oil might be useful for.

> And then, most annoying of all, he had the unnerving habit
> of staying close to me in battle,

Tom:  [Boromir] I'd much prefered it if he'd run away and let me get
      killed in peace.

> fighting next to me as if
> not trusting in my sword-arm.  

Joel:  [Aragorn] I don't know, that sword arm looks shifty to me...

> Especially in the mines of
> Moria it was annoying, for whenever the tide of battle
> turned thick,

Tom:  Goshdarnit!  The tide-of-battle gravy's gone all lumpy again!

> he was there, shoulder to shoulder, back to
> back with me.

All:  [singing] "Back to back/Belly to belly/At the Zombie Jamboree!"

> How is a man supposed to put his mind to the
> battle ahead when the man he desires most starts rubbing
> bodies with him?  

Crow:  For Pete's sake, there was a twenty-foot cave troll thrashing
       around in there, and he was worried about a stiffie?

> I had to swallow some

[Crow begins to speak, but Joel clamps his mouth shut.]
Joel:  Don't even think about going there, Crow.

> snide remark about
> his utterly impractical behaviour,

Tom:  [indignant] *Aragorn's* impractical behavior?!

> but that would have only
> pushed him even further away from me, I feared.

Joel:  [Boromir] Drat that Aragorn--drawn to me like moths to fire!

> So I just said nothing,

Tom:  It wasn't exactly a good moment for conversation!

> tried to focus and to get away from
> him as soon as the battle allowed.  

Crow:  [Aragorn] Nice battle, Boromir and--hey, where are you running
       off to?

> And each time, he looked
> at me as if I were trying something unnecessarily stupid,

Joel:  Well, yes, getting away from your defensive partner would be
       something unnecessarily stupid.

> but even if I did--it had been he who forced me to!

Tom:  Imagine Boromir at Heaven's gates...  [Boromir] Aragorn made me
      get killed in battle, God!
Crow:  [God] Nobody likes a tattle-tale.  Stupid Boromir.

> Or at
> least his most promising body, anyway.

Crow:  And by "promising", he means "good cover from flying arrows".

>
> [~~~]

Tom:  Look--the Bridge of Khazad-Dum!

>
> But then again, things in life often turn out other than
> expected,

Joel:  Well, that's deep...

> and when our fellowship entered the forests of
> Lothlorien, I was about to learn how true the saying about
> the Lady of the Woods was indeed.  

Crow:  She really will do it with any man who so much as looks at her
       cross-eyed!

> 'For whoever looks into
> the eyes of Galadriel will

Joel:  ...encounter a calm, silent hint of disgust.

> never leave her forest again, as
> she sees deep into the hearts of men.  

Crow:  And then fishes them out with her bare hands and eats them,
       raw!

> And whatever she sees
> will forever change the one who is facing her gaze, and he
> will be someone else upon leaving.'

Tom:  So her gaze makes you into...not you?
Joel:  Something like that.

> And I was not to be an exception to that rule.

Crow:  Oh goody--annoying Boromir might become someone less annoying.
Tom:  I wouldn't bet on that.

> We were presented to her at dusk, to be greeted by both the
> queen and the king of the forest.

Joel:  She apparently multiplies by division.
Tom:  Or she's suddenly become a hermaphrodite.

> They welcomed us with
> words both gentle and wise, yet as her look crossed mine,

Tom:  She's back to herself again.
Crow:  [Boromir] Tha'sh better, Galadriel...f'r a minute there, there
       wash two of ya...  [hic]

> her mind tore through my being like an iron plough through
> a child's castle made of mud.

Tom:  So, the children of Middle Earth make mudcastles?
Joel:  What a sad, sad world they live in...

> Tearing away all and any of
> the defences I had built up during my life to prevent me
> from speaking thoughtlessly,

Tom:  When did Boromir ever prevent himself from speaking
      thoughtlessly?
Crow:  [snicker] Well, for every time he actually speaks, I guess
       there are 10 other times when he prevented himself....
Tom:  That's a scary thought.

> to prevent me from acting on
> my rage, she laid bare my

Crow:  WOOT!

> innermost fears--

Crow:  Doh!

> not only for her
> to see, but for me as well.
>
> I am not good at thinking

Tom:  Yes, we've established this...

> about myself, and far less
> talented in facing my shortcomings.

Joel:  [Boromir] Even though that's all I've done since page one of
       this fic.

> I knew that,

Tom:  Obviously, as you've just told us.

> and she
> knew as well.  Yet she didn't seem to care in the slightest,

Tom:  She's an elf, remember?  None of them care about you at all,
      Boromir.

> and so she slammed into my mind,

Joel:  I hope she has collision insurance.
Crow:  Mosh pits of the ELVES!

> forcing me to face fears I
> had thought long-conquered as merely well-hidden, forced me
> to accept weaknesses long-overcome as merely ignored, and
> all in one

Crow:  And one for all!

> pretty well managed to convince me within a
> single look that a man with my lack of wisdom yet surplus
> of temper was more of a

Tom:  ...Royal Pain in the Ass.

> burden than a boon in the dark days
> to come, let alone fit to govern as the Steward of Gondor.

Joel:  Galadriel--Mistress of the Painfully Obvious.

> Needless to say, these cognitions shattered my confidence
> in almost everything I had ever believed in, and when we
> were released and went down to our camp at the base of the
> trees,

Joel:  [Galadriel] Run free, little Fellowship!

> I could hardly find a single thought, my mind
> withdrawn into some kind of stunned absence.

Crow:  Boromir's brain went awol!
Tom:  You mean it wasn't awol the whole time?
Joel:  I can just see a little tiny Boromir wandering the vast, empty
       caverns of his own mind...
Tom:  Boromir(mir...mir...mir)?  Where aaaaare you (ooo...ooo...)?

>
> [~~~]

Tom:  It's the Bridge Over the River "Why?"

>
> But wonders upon wonders, it was mighty Aragorn

Bots:  [singing] Aragorn the Mighty/He's very tidy...

> who broke
> my mental stupor--by ordering me to get some sleep.  

Crow:  [Aragorn] Boromir!  Stop zoning out and get some sleep.  Oh,
       wait...

> It was
> sweet, for sure,

Joel:  [Valley Boromir] Like, fer sure!  Aragorn is so totally rad,
       y'know?

> and he intended only good--yet in my
> present condition sleep was the last thing I could think
> of.

Tom:  [Aragorn] Get to bed, Boromir!
Joel:  [Boromir] Aww...you just say that 'cause you love me, you big
       lug.

> This time for once, his motherly meddling

Crow:  Okay, this fic is getting into a whole weird, homo-Oedipal
       area here...

> didn't manage to
> raise my hackles,

Tom:  [Boromir] ...Or hack my raisins.

> contrary, I was glad to have someone who
> would be willing to listen to my worries,

Joel:  I suppose he would be, seeing as how the elves are always
       ignoring him and all.

> and though I
> expected to be taunted with my confessions for the next
> hundred years to come,

Tom:  That's the follow-up fic to this--"Aragorn's Revenge:  The
      Taunting".

> that evening in Lorien, I simply
> couldn't be bothered.

Crow:  [Boromir] I was imperturbable.

> So I started to talk

Tom:  Started?!  What does he think he's been doing this whole time?
Joel:  It's a flashback, Tom.
Tom:  Still...

> --not about Galadriel, but about my
> fears.  My fear to lose the war, my fear to fail my father,
> to fail my people, to fail my own expectations.  And my fear
> never to see my home of Minas Tirith again, never again to
> see its white walls gleaming in the light of morning.

Crow:  [Boromir] My fear of cute, fluffy bunnies.
Tom:  [Boromir] That embarrassing fear of cottage cheese.
Joel:  [Boromir] And the fear that somewhere, somehow, a fan with
       slashy tendencies is watching me.

> As I spoke, I surprisingly felt no condescension from
> Aragorn,

Tom:  [Boromir] Probably because he'd fallen asleep long ago...

> only an affable sharing of heavy thoughts, as it
> might have happened between two old friends on battle's
> eve.

Crow:  [Aragorn] God, Boromir's going on forever about all these
       personal problems.  I thought I told him to go to bed?
Tom:  [Aragorn] Maybe if I just smile and nod, he'll GO AWAY...

> He just sat there, listening, his expression one of
> grave understanding and gentle consolation.

Crow:  That's why he doesn't want to be king--he'd have to do that
       kind of thing full-time!
Joel:  You think Aragorn has the "Girl from Ipanima" hold music
       playing in his head during that whole conversation?

>
> It was lovely.
>
> Finally there was something like an understanding between
> the two of us--

Tom:  What Boromir says:  Aragorn, I have all these fears, and I don't
      know what to do, and...
Joel:  What Aragorn hears:  ARAGORN blah blah blah...

> and though my heart was still brittle with
> shock from the violating revelations of Galadriel,

Crow:  So she just raped his mind?

> I wanted
> to tell him that I appreciated his concern--and his silence.

Tom:  Boromir doesn't want advice; he just wants someone to listen to
      him complain.

> Yet, I had already mentioned that I am not a man of words,

Crow:  For not being a man of words, he sure uses a lot of them.

> and though I sorely tried to say something diplomatically
> correct, or at least something un-antagonising, the
> nonsense I brought out when finally I had a sentence
> together was

Joel:  [Boromir] A little thing called "A Warrior's Lament".

> about the 'two Lords of Gondor, returning to
> their City'.  As soon as I had spoken I knew that I had just
> hit him squarely on the head with the one point that stood
> between us from the very beginning,

Joel:  Bonk!  Bonk on the head!

> and that quite probably
> had finally destroyed any chance of reconciliation between
> the two of us.

Tom:  The End?  Please?

>
> I hate politics.
>
> But no, once more Aragorn proved his amazing ability to see

Tom:  [Aragorn] I can see!  Hallelujah!

> when no slight had been intended, and instead of turning
> against me, he simply stated in a sad voice that there
> would never be more than one Lord of Gondor.

Crow:  [Aragorn, sword raised] There can be only One!

> For the first
> time, I was grateful for his slight elven detachment, for
> it enabled him to think before speaking, to speak before
> acting.

Tom:  [Boromir] So Aragorn, now that I've poured out my heart to you,
      what do you think?
Crow:  [Aragorn] Sorry, what?

> I have painfully learned all my life how much
> trouble the absence of such an ability can and will bring.

Tom:  [Boromir] As I am King of Open Mouth/Insert Foot...

> So I confirmed him,

Joel:  [Priest/Boromir] My son, you are now a lifelong member of the
       Catholic church.  Walk with God.

> my voice more moved by gratitude than I
> would have liked.
>
> When he offered to go for a walk with me in the forest,

Joel:  Aragorn is luring Boromir into the woods with candy.

> I was surprised, for I had not expected any kind of care
> beyond what a good captain might deem necessary to keep his
> company whole.

Tom:  [Aragorn] I've sewn that leg right back on, so just rest, and
      it should be good as new in the morning.

> And though I felt not too confident with
> this whole thing,

Crow:  A walk in the woods could lead to date rape...
Tom:  That's probably what he's hoping.

> I agreed, hoping for a chance to prolong
> this unexpected change of our captains character.
>
> But my hopes were crushed as soon as our king-to-be opened
> his mouth once again.

Joel:  [Boromir] Damn!  No tongue-piercing.

> He had tried to be friends, he said, asking me why I have
> never shown any reaction to his efforts, all the while
> fluffing up like a cock in the morning.

Tom:  That just...riffs itself, huh?

> He asked me in earnest!

Joel:  After all, it's important to be Earnest.

>
> I know my temper took the better part of me, then.  For the
> next thing I remember was that he flung himself at me, his
> usually oh so serene face twisted to a mindless mask of
> wrath.

Crow:  [Aragorn] You insufferable git!  If you don't shut up I'm
       going to KILL YOU!

> I had luck to dodge his first blow,

Crow:  That's funny--I thought that's what Boromir's been trying to
       get this whole time.

> but he was quick
> as lightning,

Tom:  [singing] ...everybody was kung-fu fighting....

> and soon we both lay on the ground pounding
> at each other like drunkards in front of an inn.

Crow:  I'm pretty sure drunkards don't have sex in public if they can
       help it.
Joel:  I think he means they were fighting.
Tom:  Hey, I'd fight too if a bearded royal tried to boink me.

> Though
> quick and agile he was, without a sword, he was no match
> for me,

Joel:  If he's "swordless", he's not going to be much use for Boromir
       anyway, in this fic.

> and before I had had the time to think,

Tom:  As if you've ever used that time before.

> I had him
> lying face-down in the moss, myself above him,

Crow:  Ah--the action at last!

> raising my
> fists like a hammer in a serious attempt to break his neck.

Tom:  Hey--that's not very romantic!
Crow:  [Boromir] Can ya SMELL what the Steward is cookin'?
Joel:  Hold your breath!  Here comes...THE GONDOR EYEBROW!

> But luckily, grace to the gods above, as quickly as my
> anger is flared, it also vanished without a trace.  

Tom:  Hello, psychopathic!

> So I was
> able to suppress my intended blow,

Crow:  [Boromir] Hey, I just realized--I can be the dominant one in
       this relationship!  SCORE!

> slowly gathering my wits
> again.

Joel:  [Boromir] Here's one of my wits on this tree, and another
       under this rock...

> I was shocked when I realised that I had come close to
> killing not only the man who would, by all accounts, become
> my king in not-so-far-away a future,

All:  [singing] In the not-too-distant future...

> but also had
> physically beaten the one man I desired to love.

Joel:  Sometimes love don't feel like it should.

> Ashamed
> for my lack of control over myself, I let go of him,
> dropping on the ground like an old hero finally defeated,

Tom:  Finally defeated?  As in, The End?

> shocked and full of loathing for what I had done.

Joel:  [Boromir] Someone just shoot me full of arrows now!

>
> Galadriel had been more than right--

Crow:  She was Pat Buchanan!

> I was by no means
> qualified to rule, not Gondor, nor anywhere else, for I
> could not even govern myself.

Joel:  An army of one.
Tom:  [Boromir] The great Elbow Rebellion of 1186 came back to haunt
      me.
Crow:  [Boromir] I was even wearing a diaper.  Who was I kidding?

> And like so often, when I
> realised what I had done in anger, I felt tears of shame
> running down my face,

Tom:  Even his tears are trying to escape this scene...

> hot and burning,

Crow:  [Boromir] And scalding and boiling and scorching and blistering
       and searing and...um...did I mention hot?

> each one adding more
> to my disgrace.

[Joel picks up Tom and they leave the theater.  Door sequence.]

[SoL Bridge.  Joel is standing behind the counter, alone.  Crow
enters, looking portentous.]
Joel:  Um...what's up, Crow?
Crow:  I have failed.  The handsome golden robot has neglected his
       duty to clean out the load pan bays, only for my laziness.
Joel:  To what golden robot would you be referring there, buddy?
Crow:  The spider-netted automaton has fallen to the temptation of
       goofing off, only for my weakness.
Joel:  Uh-huh.  Well, just be sure you get it done after the
       experiment today, 'kay?
[Tom enters from the other side].
Tom:  Oh lamentable day!  The domed wonder is unable to provide
      further snacks of popped corn for his companions, due to my
      failure to procure more butter.
Joel:  Huh?
Tom:  The suave red gumball machine has also failed to clean out his
      corn-popping mechanism, due to my lack of working hands.
Joel:  OK, Tom, I'll clean out your tray and get you some more butter.
Tom and Crow:  Huh?
Joel:  I mean, the former Gizmonics janitor will restore you to proper
       corn-popping configuration.
Tom:  Thanks.
Joel:  [as he removes Tom's dome and shakes out a few kernels of
       unpopped corn] It sounds like you guys have caught Boromir
       Multiple Personality Disorder.  The symptoms are constant
       reference to yourself in many third-person incarnations.
[He replaces Tom's dome.]
Crow:  The premier robot of this ship doesn't know what you mean.
Tom:  Hey!  The premier robot of this ship is over here, thank you!
Gypsy:  [offscreen] The premier robot of this ship is trying to take a
        nap, so keep it down!
Joel:  Oh no, Gypsy's got it too?  I'm going to have to do something
       about this.  
[He reaches under the counter and pulls out a mirror.]
Joel:  [holding the mirror up to Crow] Now Crow, what do you see?
Crow:  Myself, obviously.
Joel:  And who are you?
Crow:  Crow T.  Robot, of course!
Joel:  Good.  [Holds mirror to Tom] And Tom?
Tom:  Only the most handsome robot--
[Crow hits Tom]
Tom:  Uh, myself.  Tom Servo, Esquire.
Joel:  Great.  The inventive genius and current experimental test
       subject has cured you.
Crow:  What about Gypsy?
[The light starts flashing]
Joel:  I'll take care of her later--we have FANFIC SIGN!

[Door sequence.  The enter the theater and sit down.]

> And once more it was Aragorn who brought me out of the

Crow:  [Boromir] Stupidity-induced coma...

> darkness where I had confined myself,

Joel:  I don't recall Boromir confining himself.  Unfortunately.
Tom:  [Boromir, as a mime] I'm in a box!  I'm in a box!  I'm in a
      box!

> asking me:
>
> "Say, Boromir, if you do hate me so much--why didn't you
> kill me when you had a chance to?"

Joel:  [Boromir] D'oh!  Should've thought of that....

>
> If the situation hadn't been so utterly dreadful, I would have
> laughed.

Crow:  Don't let that stop you.  *We're* laughing.
Tom:  If he thinks *this* is utterly dreadful, wait until he gets
      himself shot full of arrows.

>
> Did he really think I hated him?  

Joel:  Since all you do is beat him up and treat him like horse-dung,
       do you blame the guy?

> Could it be that I had
> finally witnessed a flaw in his ever cool, elven thoughts?
> It made my heart jump with joy,

Tom:  [Boromir/Homer Simpson] I am S-smart, I am s-smart, S-M-R-T, I
      mean S-M-A-R-T...

> for not only did he still
> show concern for me, but nay, his lack of understanding
> seemed to make him so much more

Joel:  [Boromir] --like me, since I don't ever understand anything.

> human, so much
> more--loveable.

Crow:  What is he, a teddy bear or something?

> I shook my head, saying that I did not hate him at all.  And
> then, my head still light

Tom:  He's an airhead!  That explains a lot.

> with the mirth of my realisation,
> I added:
>
> "But neither are you a man easily liked,

Tom:  Wait, so now he *doesn't* like him?

> Aragorn son of
> Arathorn.  

Crow:  Aragorn, son of Arathorn, grandson of Hrothnir, half-brother of
       Njorl, who slew Kettletrout, who took to wife Gudrun...

> Or loved, for that."
>
> When I heard myself speak, I could have beaten myself.  

Joel:  So he's thinking like all the rest of us now?

> How
> could I be so utterly thoughtless, hinting at my love like
> a troll throwing sheep at the peasants to announce his
> presence!

Tom:  Bull in a china shop, that's our Boromir.
Crow:  Throwing sheep isn't exactly a hint...Unless you're Scottish,
       maybe.  Then it's foreplay.

> But he merely coughed politely and asked:

Joel:  [Aragorn] Do you have any Grey Poupon?

> "I'm not easily--what?"

Joel:  He seems a little like Otto from Fish Called Wanda...
Tom:  [Otto/Aragorn] What was that thing in the middle?
Crow:  [Otto/Aragorn] Si.  My name is-a Aragorn.  It means eight.
Joel:  In what language?
Crow:  Elvish!

> "Liked," I answered.  "Or loved," I heard myself add.
>
> Why, why in all the worlds, did I always have to speak
> before I think?

Crow:  A question we've been wondering about since this fic began.
Joel:  [Boromir] Being tactful is *hard*!  Why can't I just swing a
       sword at the problem?

> I was close to despair.  

Tom:  Good.  Now you're about on  par with the rest of us!

> Why, of all
> possible situations, why did I have to present my worst
> behaviour exactly now, where once in my life more brains
> than brawn were needed?

Joel:  Let's see--because you don't have any brains?

> "Loved?" came Aragorn's simple answer, tinged with the
> sound of joyful surprise.

Tom:  [Aragorn] WOOT!

> Either he was amusing himself about my boorish affections

Crow:  [Aragorn/stupid voice] Boromir funny!

> or he somehow, most wondrously, had acquired a most
> unbelievable yet most desirable fondness for me.

Joel:  So, Boromir just tried to kill Aragorn, and now Aragorn loves
       him?
Crow:  [Boromir] I hate you, Aragorn.  
Tom:  [Aragorn] I hate you too.  
Crow:  [Boromir] Let's have sex.
Tom:  [Aragorn] Okay.

> "Yes, loved," I heard myself say.
>
> Goddammit!

Tom:  Consarnit!
Crow:  Dad-gummit!
Joel:  Gol-dangit!

> What was wrong with me?

Crow:  Oh, where to begin?

> I had intended to be careful,

Joel:  Of course, that would take finesse, which Boromir lacks
       severely.

> to choose a secure friendship over the possibility of a
> passionate night,

Tom:  Wasn't he talking about sleeping with everything in the army
      that breathed at the start of this?
Crow:  Yes, but this time--this time it'll be different...
Tom:  And when did Boromir even consider confessing to Aragorn?
Joel:  It just slipped out because Boromir never thinks before he
       talks?
Tom:  [Boromir] "Aragorniloveyouohshoot?"

> in regard for our mutual quest,

Joel:  So are they both in search of the Holy Grail or something?

> yet what
> I actually did looked more like the crudest attempt at
> seduction I had ever seen.

Crow:  That's seduction?
Joel:  Maybe if Boromir wasn't complaining, and you piped in some
       violins...

> Aragorn still sat where I had left him, staring at me in
> wide-eyed

Tom:  Horror.

> wonder, his face a calm mask of mild approval,
> his eyes gazing at me in an unnerving, unfocused way.

Crow:  The sandwich was laced with rophynol.  It's the only way
       Boromir gets any.

> I waited some moments for him to say anything, to give me any
> sign of his inclinations, to say ANYTHING.  But he didn't.

Joel:  [Boromir] And that's when I realized he'd expired during one of
       my long-winded speeches!

> He just sat there, the hint of a smile frozen on his face.

Tom:  As a deer freezes in the headlights of an oncoming car, right
      before it gets mowed down....
Crow:  Or maybe he's just smoked a bowl or something.
Joel:  Maybe Avon's soul-sucker's crept into this fic, too.

> It is not really hard to guess that if there is one thing
> I'm less apt in than introspection, it's waiting.

Tom:  I'd have guessed him least apt at coherent, logical thought....

> What little patience I had was gone within seconds,

Joel:  Boromir goes from zero to angry in 15 seconds.

> and as I
> thought the worst damage already done, I decided that now
> was the time to act or for ever abstain.

Crow:  Just remember, abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.

> And as I already
> had proven to be far better in acting physically than in
> talking,

Tom:  Though he's done nothing but talk this whole time...

> I carefully went over to my lover-to-be, knelt
> next to him and took away a strand of his hair that had
> stuck to his ill-treated face.

Crow:  [Boromir] You really ought to try a different spa this time,
       Aragorn.

> Suddenly, his eyes snapped into focus again, staring at me.

Crow:  He came out of the trip, apparently.
Joel:  The soul-sucker found him distasteful.
Tom:  I find *all* of this distasteful.

> But it was neither disgust nor anger I saw in the deep
> wells of his dark, glittering eyes, only

Tom:  Buried treaure!  
Crow:  [Aragorn] Out, foul jellies!

> wonder and
> something that might be, given a very small chance, that
> might be some gentle kind of affection.

Joel:  Boromir has now become Jim Carrey from _Dumb and Dumber_.
Tom:  [Boromir/Carrey] So you're saying there's a chance?

> When he looked at
> me like this, I realised for the first time that he was

Joel:  [Boromir] ...really about to kill me.

> not
> only handsome, but beautiful, and not, as I might have
> expected, in a skinny, elven way, nay, he was beautiful as
> men can be, shining from within

All:  [singing] "This little light of mine/I'm gonna let it shine...."

> with a beauty so radiant it
> dazzled my mind.

Tom:  Aragorn's just bathed with Herbal Essences.

> Well, I thought, it's now or never,

All:  [singing] Come hold me tight/Stay with me darling/Be mine
      toniiiiight...

> and before any
> reasonable thought had the time to stop me,

Crow:  "Reasonable thought" is "Sir Not Appearing in this Fanfic."
Joel:  Boromir had a reasonable thought?
Tom:  Only one--it's gone now.

> I carefully
> bent forward and kissed his lips.

Crow:  Ewww!  Cooties!

> Delicious it was, our first kiss, tender and sweet.

Tom:  [Boromir] Picked at the peak of ripeness, packed in spring
      water for freshness.

> I could
> taste the salt of his sweat on his lips, the taste of blood
> mingling in between.

Joel:  Now Boromir's a vampire.

> Astoundingly, he smelled good,

Crow:  That *is* astounding, since he looks like he hasn't bathed
       since the Second Age.

> unlike
> most men, a faint fragrance of leather and tree-sap and,
> most unusual, a gentle note of wild roses, fresh and sweet,
> hidden in between.

Joel:  He's been out in the woods for HOW LONG?  He should stink to
       high heaven!
Tom:  It's the shampoo, I'm telling you!

> I lavished in the sensation of him,

Crow:  Boromir's having an Organic Experience.

> cherishing the moment as it probably would be the only one
> so close to him I would ever experience.

Joel:  And then violins play...

> But how great was my surprise when suddenly,

Tom:  [Boromir] A little man with a magic picture box stepped from the
      trees and shouted "Smile!  You're on Candid Camera!"

> with a slow
> and deep breath, he slung his arms around mine,

Tom:  [Boromir] ...squeezing the life out of me with a really
      impressive bear hug.

> returning
> my kiss with unexpected passion, leaning onto me like a
> drowning man in a desperate attempt to kiss some air from
> my lips.

Crow:  [Boromir] It was then I realized that Aragorn was asthmatic.

> Pushing me backwards, still clinging to my lips, he pressed
> me to the ground,

Tom:  Is this the same Aragorn?  I think Avon's pod people have
      returned.
Joel:  Well, the soul-suckers came in earlier, so it's to be expected.
Crow:  Aragorn is supposed to be detached, right?  Isn't this a bit...
       forward?
Joel:  I guess his hormones took over.
Tom:  He's got the urge to Herbal...
Crow:  [Aragorn] Must...not...jump..him...Oh...hell...okay!

> his hands caressing me, my face, tearing
> at my shirt as if it were on fire.

Crow:  Stop, drop, and oooohhhh...

> I really had never
> expected such a passionate response from my captain--

Tom:  [Boromir] Oh Aragorn, you can steer my rudder ANYTIME!

> but it
> was all the more gratefully received.  I let his caresses
> wash over me like a tide,

Joel:  High tide?
Tom:  Low tide?
Crow:  I think the tide is about to come in!

> reveling in the sensation of his
> body so close to mine, feeling his passion and desire hot
> and vibrating underneath his very skin.

Joel:  He's a walking, breathing MagicFingers bed!

> Playfully, he trapped my head and arms in my upturned
> shirt, watching me,

Tom:  How does Boromir know Aragorn's watching him if his head is
      trapped in his shirt?
Joel:  Doh!
Crow:  Maybe he's wearing a see-through shirt...no, scratch that.  I
       do not want to go there.

> then said:
>
> "I love you, too, you brick-headed Gondorian prince, and I
> will not let you go, at least not tonight!"
>
> What a joy it was to hear him say those words!  

Joel:  Boromir actually seems happy to have been insulted by Aragorn!
Tom:  When he figures out what Aragorn really said, he'll probably
      black out and try to kill him again.

> I never
> really tried to figure out why, if he loved me, he had
> treated me like a retarded child all these days,

All:  Because you ARE a retarded child...?

> and I
> still can hardly be bothered.

Crow:  Well, of course not!  He's bleeding to death while he's
       narrating, so of course he can't take the time to figure this
       out.
Joel:  Must be the blood loss.

> He loved me, and although his
> chiding remarks spiked my anger again,

Tom:  See?  This is the part where Boromir goes insane.

> it was only a
> firefly's glowing compared to the gleaming joy of long
> denied feelings finally requited.

Joel:  The light!  It burns!

> I asked him to give no more titles tonight,

Crow:  That championship belt will have to wait 'til the Pay-per-view!

> no more insults
> or anything that might destroy our fragile love.  Too much
> time we had already lost in useless quarrel, it seemed to
> me, and I only wished to keep out all things

Tom:  [Boromir] No things may come in here!

> that might
> start it again.  How naive we were that everything would
> turn out well merely by pretending nothing were wrong in
> the first place.

Tom:  [Homer Simpson] I'll just hide under some coats until it all
      goes away...

> But Aragorn seemed to share my wish, for
> we both promised each other to keep out our titles and
> snappy remarks, at least for this one night.

Tom:  [Boromir] Got that--no snappy remarks!
Crow:  [Aragorn] And I was just about to comment on how good you
       looked in that chainmail...

> I felt so calm then, so at ease that I could hardly force
> myself to do more than just stare at my new-won love.

Joel:  [Boromir] Gah?  Bah.
Crow:  They've been into the weed again, eh?
Tom:  [Boromir] Whoah, dude, your face is, like, melting...

> But
> looks alone never satisfy a man, and before long I began to
> free him of his own shirt in turn.

Crow:  [Boromir] You're free, Aragorn!  I have released you from the
       confines of your...clothing!
Tom:  [Boromir] No need to thank me--it's all part of a hero's duty.

> When he sat there, his chest bare, kneeling on my legs,

Joel:  Wouldn't that be painful?

> his
> skin shining pure and brazen in the low starlight, I felt
> both ashamed and awed that one like him, a man so high

Joel:  On weed?

> born, noble both in body and mind, a man of such lineage
> and destiny, would deem me worthy of his affection, worthy
> of his love.

Tom:  [Boromir] I was even more in awe of the fact that a man so
      skinny was cracking my kneecaps with his weight.

> Next to him, I felt more than ever like an
> ox-like farmer's son--

Crow:  The farmer's gotten a little close with the cows, apparently.

> the subtle muscles underneath his skin
> hinting far more agility and endurance, far more skill than
> the raw power I possessed.  

Tom:  He has skillful...muscles?

> The touch of his hands so strong
> and yet so full of control that I feared myself to be
> groping for him like a hungry troll.

Tom:  [Boromir] Me, Boromir, hungry!  Mmm...Aragorn tasty.  [chomping
      noises]

> And yet--It had been he who had clearly pointed out that
> tonight would not stop at kissing, when he started to
> undress me.

Joel:  [Aragorn/Tom Jones, singing] I know how to undress me...

> I love being invited,

Crow:  [Boromir] Unfortunately, no one ever took me up on the hint.

> and this surely was an
> invitation I would never reject.
>
> He must have noticed my hardening

Tom:  [Boromir] Skull, as he repeatedly hit me over the head with blunt
      objects in an attempt to end my life.

> desire underneath him,
> for he looked at me with the smallest hint of

Joel:  Disgust?

> surprise in
> his face,

Crow:  [Aragorn] Oh my God--you're a MAN!

> starting carefully to move up and down, as if
> trying to get acquainted with something new to him.  

Tom:  So, he has no member of his own, then?
Joel:  Yeah, what happened to that "body of a man" bit?

> How
> sweet.

All:  Awwww!

> He pulled me into a close embrace, cradling his head
> against mine, still moving his buttocks gently in my lap,

Joel:  RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!  IT'S THE ARAGORN LAP-DANCE!

> his firm muscles caressing my most expectant parts
> invitingly.

Crow:  Nothing like being lovingly caressed by another man's buttocks...
Tom:  [Boromir] How my spleen lusts for thee!

> "So this, I suppose," he whispered into my ear teasingly,
> "is to be the famous Horn of Gondor you are known to be the
> bearer of?"

Tom:  For the love of--THE MAN IS DYING, YOU TWIT!
Joel:  No, no, this is a flashback.
Tom:  Is it?  You sure?
Joel:  Fairly.
Tom:  Well, then...THE MAN IS GOING TO DIE SOONER OR LATER, YOU TWIT!

> It took me a while to understand what he was talking of.

Crow:  [Boromir] Duh...lessee...Horn of....oooohhhhh.

> But when I did, I must have stared at Aragorn in
> bewilderment.  

Joel:  [Boromir] Whoa!  He's actually taking me up on this whole sex
       thing!

> Our oh-so-sober leader,

Joel:  There's Aragorn's mistake--he should get really drunk, and then
       he can black out, too.

> after all, was
> capable of pulling stupid, dirty little jokes.  And not very
> funny ones, besides.  

Tom:  Well, at least he's smart enough to recognize that.

> I loved him.
>
> "Impressive, isn't it?"

Crow:  Is Boromir talking about his own member?!  
Joel:  At least he's not being girly.
Crow:  No, they leave the girliness to Aragorn.  Aragorn's definitely
       Boromir's bitch.
Joel:  Poor Aragorn.
Tom:  Wait, wait...I think I hear Tolkien spinning in his grave.
Crow:  Whirling madly.
Joel:  Drilling his way to China, no less.

> His answer was but a gentle bite in my earlobe,

Tom:  [Boromir] Okay, I get the hint!  You can have my sandwich!

> making my
> passion flare,

Joel:  [Boromir] My nipples explode with delight!

> making me crave to see him in my arms,
> filled with delight.

Crow:  I'd rather not see Boromir filled with anything in this story,
       thank you.

> So I playfully tossed him into the grass,

Crow:  [Boromir] Then I laughingly added croutons and a white wine
       vinaigrette.
Joel:  Sounds like Boromir's playing bocce ball with Aragorn or
       something.
Tom:  He's lawn darts!

> finally getting
> rid of his remaining clothing,

Crow:  So his clothing just flies off mid-toss?
Joel:  If clothing can shred on one's way down a cliff, it can fall
       off in mid-air, I think...

> watching him.  Aragorn lay on
> the mossy ground, his skin darker than expected yet shining
> in its own golden light,

Tom:  He's Radioactive Man!

> his arms behind his head, his legs
> wide apart.  He was such a beauty--manly, some few soft dark
> curls on his chest, some more trailing down below his
> belly.

Crow:  Boy...that sure *sounds* manly...

> Seeing him like this, spread out before me, waiting for me,

Joel:  He's a playboy bunny.
Tom:  Playgirl bunny?
Crow:  A Gayboy bunny?

> I could feel my desire raise like the waves of a flood
> bashing against a dam that was about to break.

Joel:  Time to part the Red Sea, Mr.  Heston.

> I craved to
> take him in, to fill myself with his scent,

Tom:  Now Boromir has the urge to Herbal, too.
Joel:  I suppose Boromir wants to smell like roses and tree sap, too?
Crow:  Aragorn should market his own brand of cologne.
Tom:  "Woodland Musk."
Crow:  Called "Ranger Sweat" by the cynics...

> to absorb as
> much as I could into myself.

Joel:  He's learning Aragorn by osmosis.

> Just for a moment I sat there, delighting in his expectant
> pose,

Tom:  I never thought I'd be saying this, but GET ON WITH IT!

> then I let myself fall to the desire I had barred for
> such a long time, and without thinking, started to caress
> his body.

Tom:  [sputters] What does he mean, *started*?
Joel:  Boromir has apparently forgotten what he's been doing for the
       last five pages.
Crow:  He must have blacked out again.

> Kissing him, caressing him with my mouth

Tom:  Which had apparently grown little, tiny hands...

> I felt my passions
> slowly take me over, dulling my worries like a drunkenness
> willingly induced.

Tom:  I don't think Boromir's senses could get any duller.

> And I delighted in it, as all seemed
> simple and the thought of possible pitfalls never even once
> came to cross my mind.

Crow:  *Nothing* crosses this guy's mind.
Tom:  Or at least nothing stays.

> And then, Aragorn grabbed my head by my hair, his hands
> unsure with passion,

Crow:  [Aragorn's hands] What's passion?

> pulling me up from his loins where I
> had been busy.
>
> "I want more!" he said softly,

Crow:  [Boromir] If you want more, why did you pull me away?

> his voice controlled yet
> brimming with urgent command.  And for once, I did not mind
> him ordering me, not at all I did.

Joel:  Hey, now he's Kenshin!

> I was all willing to
> obey.

Crow:  He's, like, all willing to, like, obey.
Tom:  As if.

> So we both stood up in search for a place without all that
> irksome stuff on the ground

Joel:  Sticks?
Tom:  Stones?
Crow:  Boromirs?
Tom:  Rocks, trees, small furry animals...
Crow:  Grit, bugs, poison ivy...
Joel:  Lions, tigers, and bears?
All:  Oh my!

> that makes personal encounters
> in the forest romantic yet always partially annoying.  

Tom:  This particular encounter goes way beyond *partially* annoying!

> We
> found a tree, though, which would provide a reasonably
> comfortable support with its mossy trunk for the next
> scenes of our first mutual night.

Joel:  All other nights, they were flying solo.

> We went over and started again, cuddling, kissing, reveling
> in each others body.  He started to sneak down with his
> hands,

Crow:  [Elmer Fudd] Shhh!  Be vewy, vewy Qwiet...

> passing my belly, entering my trousers, feeling my
> body all ready to obey his wishes,

Tom:  [Boromir's body] Yessss, master....

> caressing me with
> delightful expectancy.

Joel:  So Aragorn thinks something good is going to happen?
Tom:  He's going to be soooo disappointed.

>
> So I turned him around, caressing his back, gently taking
> care to prepare him for 'more'.

Crow:  Wouldn't that involve caressing something else?
Joel:  Crow!

>
> But all of a sudden, that weird man all tensed up, turning
> all defiant and rejecting within one single breath.

Tom:  [Boromir] He's like, all weird and defiant.  As if!

> Bewildered and slightly annoyed that his change of moods
> had to take place now of all possible moments, I asked him
> what his troubles were.

Joel:  Odd time to ask for a man's life story, isn't it?
Tom:  [Boromir] Aragorn, tell me your troubles.
Crow:  [Aragorn] I'm...so...  HUNGRY!

> "I will not be taken," he answered flatly.

Tom:  To the cleaners?
Joel:  On a ride?
Crow:  Out to dinner?
Tom:  No, I think he'd go for that option.

> What!?

Tom:  Be taken, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SLASHY!  BE TAKEN
      AND LET OUR TORMENT END!

> "And why should that be, my love?" I managed to ask as
> politely as possible, fighting desperately to hold down my

Crow:  [Boromir] --Supper.

> dreaded temper at least once in my life.  I really did not
> at all understand what had happened to him,

Tom:  He suddenly came to his senses?

> and the fear of
> all my romantic hopes shattered was enough to make me roar
> with aggression inside, yet I managed to harness myself.

Crow:  Kinky.

> "You will not touch me!" he hissed in reply.

Joel:  *Can* you hiss a sentence that has no s's in it?
Crow:  Aragorn is now the hissy virgin princess, thwarting the
       advances of the pirate kidnapper...
Tom:  This isn't _Lord of the Rings_, it's _Spaceballs_!

> What was this?  Had he lost his mind?  Or was this a joke of
> elven humour of the cruelest kind on my expense?

Tom:  That Aragorn--such a tease!

> Why'd he
> reject me after urging me forward all the time?  My
> irritation and fear of being rejected made my mind corrode
> with anger,

Tom:  Boromir certainly can't afford to let that brilliant mind of
      his corrode.

> all my thoughts falling apart one by one,

Crow:  Until both of them left my now-empty mind.

> until
> all that was left was hate and pain.
>
> And the will to punish him, to hurt him as much as he had
> hurt me.
>
> [~~~]

Joel:  Boromir's burning his bridges!

>
> And hurt him, I did, obviously.  For when I came back to my
> senses again,

Crow:  He blacked out *again*?

> I was tumbling head-over into the moss, my
> face hot with pain from a well-placed kick to my

Tom:  Groin?  I hope?

> head.
> Then, Aragorn was there, jumping on top of me,

Joel:  Which is what he wanted all along, isn't it?

> beating me,
> hammering his fists into me like mad.

Joel:  I wonder why Aragorn was so mad...
Tom:  Boromir has a conveniently selective memory.
Joel:  He's like a serial killer--he blacks out all the bad stuff...

> Bewildered I tried to block the worst of his blows,

Crow:  Guess he's saving himself for the better blows, eh?
Joel:  Crow!

> feeling
> the dreadful knowledge growing within me that, once again,
> I must have lost my temper.  

Joel:  [Boromir] Naw--impossible!  I would've remembered that.

> As suddenly as his blows had
> begun falling, they also stopped, my lover rising to his
> feet with a single, tear-strangled sob.

Crow:  I have trouble thinking of Aragorn weeping like a girl on his
       knees in a corner somewhere.  But maybe that's just me.
Tom:  Slays many orcs, and then cries like a baby because he let
      Boromir get a little too close for comfort?

>
> What had I done?  All the gods, what had I done?

Joel:  The $20,000 question!
Crow:  My god, what have I done?
Tom:  Letting the days go by...

> Aragorn broke down on his knees,

Joel:  Those English makes just don't hold up well--always in the shop
       for repairs...

> mere feet away from me,
> while I was still trying to fight shame and terror of what
> I might have done in an attempt to remember what actually
> had happened.  And I remembered.

Tom:  Boromir really should see a healer about these blackouts and
      repressed memories.

> My breath failed when I realised that I had cruelly forced
> the man I loved to submit to my body.

Tom:  One could only wish his breath had failed permanently....
Joel:  Boromir's journal for today:  Tried to rape Aragorn.  He
       stabbed me through with Narsil.  Stupid Aragorn.

> That I had violated
> any trust he might have had in me, violated any promise I
> had given.

Crow:  You've violated more than *that*, buddy.

> I was wordless

Joel:  Oh, he so lies!

> with shame, my whole mind blanketed in

Crow:  Hot Fudge?
Tom:  New-fallen snow?

> shocked awareness of the crime I had committed, like a late
> frost killing all of springs flowers within a single night.

Tom:  See, I was right.

> If I could have run away from myself that very moment, I
> would have done so, screaming in fear and loathing all the
> while.

Tom:  Waving his arms wildly as the other him stands there looking
      puzzled....
Joel:  [Aragorn] All I wanted was a sandwich...*sob*
Crow:  He got one.  A salami sandwich.
Joel:  Crow!

> But a man cannot run away from what he has done,

Crow:  What?  Men run away from their deeds all the time.
Tom:  Yeah, there are entire novel series on that.

> and so I
> stayed, frozen in the tremendous effort to face the demon I
> had been mere moments ago.

Joel:  Maybe Boromir needs a 12-step program?
Crow:  Blackout Rapist Demons Anonymous!

>
> And then, as if I hadn't yet been convinced of my
> monstrosity, another thought came to my mind.

Joel:  Good thing they only come one at a time, so he can catch up.

> What if my
> lover's sudden tension, the one that had initially sparked
> my wrath, had not been denial, but fear?  What if his
> enigmatic expressions

Tom:  What's enigmatic about Aragorn's refusing to be raped?
Crow:  Yeah--no means no.

> had not been sign of secrecy, but of
> ignorance?  Of the fact that he had never before been
> touched by a man?

Tom:  Oh, NOW he thinks of it.

> When I realised that he had intended me to be his first
> man-lover,

Tom:  As opposed to dog-lover?
Crow:  Cat-lover?
Joel:  I think the correct term is "fancier".
Tom:  Nothing "fancier" than this Boromir.

> I could have retched in hate of myself.  

Crow:  Join the club!

> How
> could I have been so ignorant not to notice?  How could the
> fact that he hadn't played that enticing shyness at all
> slip my thoughts?

Joel:  Maybe it has to do with the severe blackouts you've been
       experiencing?

> He had honored me with allowing me to be closer with him
> than any other man before,

Joel:  I'd say that was pretty darn close.
Tom:  A little *too* close...

> had trusted me like no other--and
> I had betrayed him.
>
> I was a monster.

Tom:  King Kong!
Crow:  Swamp Thing!
Joel:  Creature from the Black Lagoon!

> Not willingly, no, but that is no excuse.  It had been me
> who had violated this sacred night, and it was me who was
> to blame, willingly or not.

Tom:  [Boromir] No, I didn't willingly rape him, your honor....

> I turned away in shame, my self-loathing so strong that it
> strangled

Crow:  --Boromir.  And killed him dead.  I hope.

> every word, the pain within me so great that I
> could not bear the silent tears running down my lover's
> face, glistening in the starlight.

Tom:  Silent tears?  He was sobbing like a baby just a minute ago.

> I sat on the ground,
> holding my knees with my arms, praying for this horrid
> moment of awareness to pass, and be it into death.

Crow:  Please?  Pretty please?

> I never felt less worthy of anything than this very moment.

Tom:  So he's not worthy of...the moment?

> And, most prominent of all, unworthy of Aragorn's' love,
> the love he had given to me that I so mindlessly had
> defiled.

Joel:  I don't see anything mindless about that defilement.
Tom:  It sure was STUPID, though.
Crow:  Aragorn's journal for today:  "Raped by Boromir.  Stupid
       Boromir."

>
> [~~~]

Joel:  Now that's just a bridge too far.

>
> And yet, unbelievable as it may sound, it was my lovely
> Aragorn who came to me,

Tom:  Now this is moving too fast.  I missed it.

> softly laying his arms around my
> shoulders, holding me in silence.  I felt gifted beyond
> value--

Tom:  Boromir thinks he's gifted, but he's really in special ed.
Crow:  Stupid, stupid Boromir.

> not only once, but twice he gave his love and trust
> to me that night, and almost more than that, it was his
> forgiveness that made my heart want to burst inside my
> chest,

Crow:  I like that plan.

> his forgiveness and his acceptance of my flaws.

Tom:  [Boromir] Yes, my little minor blemishes, like my tendency to
      rape people I love when I'm sexually frustrated....
Joel:  You guys okay?
Crow:  Other than Aragorn being all huggy-kissy with his rapist, we're
       fine.

> "How can you come back to me?" I asked, bewildered by the
> enormity of his silent gesture.

Joel:  [holds out his arms, as Boromir] I caught an Aragorn that was
       thiiiis big!

> Very much himself, in spite of the tears still streaking
> his face, he just smiled and shrugged.
>
> "I love you," he simply said after a moment.  "As simple as
> that."

Tom:  There's an awful lot of simplicity going around.
Crow:  Maybe Aragorn's become a simple-ton?

>
> The wise can make the hardest answers simple,

Joel:  And the stupid can make the simplest answers wise?
Tom:  Boromir's sure putting that one to the test.

> it is said,
> and ample proof of his wisdom he gave with his words.

Tom:  I don't know...forgiving Boromir for raping him doesn't seem
      too wise to me.

> I loved him, I admired him and yes, it was that very moment
> that I knew that, if there were one man underneath the
> stars I could proudly bow to, it was him.

Crow:  So now it's Aragorn's turn to do something for Boromir....
Joel:  Crow, I'm warning you!

> He taught me, in
> a very personal way, that undying loyalty was not to be
> gained by submission,

Joel:  Though in the short-range, submission sure helps...

> only by a love strong enough to
> forgive.

[Joel picks up Tom, and they leave the theater.  Door sequence.]

[Bridge of the SOL.  Joel and the Bots are clustered around a computer
screen.]
Tom:  So, Joel, what's with this "slash" thing, anyway?
Joel:  Well, slash is very popular with fanfic writers right now.  It
       seems a lot of people really enjoy writing and reading about
       their favorite characters in these kinds of situations.  Look
       at this.  [He clicks the mouse.] I show over 10,000 Lord of
       the Rings stories on the Internet, and about 75% of them appear
       to be slash.
Crow:  [looking at screen] Legolas and Gimli?
Tom:  Saruman and Sauron?
Both:  Gandalf and Pippin??
Joel:  And it's not just Lord of the Rings.  [He clicks the mouse.]
       See, there are slash stories for any characters you can think
       of, and real people too....
Crow:  Wait, Joel, look at that!
Joel:  Whoa--guys, I don't think we should look at--
Tom:  No, Joel.  We should.  Those are slash stories--about US!!
Joel:  [reads] The Satellite of Male Love?!
Crow:  Let's check one out!  Come on, Joel!
[Joel clicks a link and they lean in close to look at the story.
Joel's hair stands on end, Crow's net flips upside down, and Tom
spouts steam out the top of his dome, blowing off the lid.]
Joel:  [looking dazed] Yikes.  Who *writes* these things?
Tom:  Well, this one's by "GypsieRose."
[short pause, then:]
Tom:  They're *all* by that "GypsieRose"...
Crow:  ...  whose email address is "GypsieRose@sol.com."
All:  GYPSY!!
[Gypsy enters]
Gypsy:  Hi, guys!
Joel:  Gypsy!  You have some explaining to do, Missy!
Gypsy:  Oh, I see you found my stories.
Tom:  How could you write such...such...SMUT?!
Gypsy:  Oh, don't get bent out of shape.  Those were just experiments.
Tom:  So publically destroying our dignity was a phase you were going
      through?
Gypsy:  Lots of people think these stories are really hot!
Tom:  ...Really?
Crow:  ...Well, of course they would.  We're the stars, after all.
Joel:  Yes, but that's a story about you, Crow, having...relations...
       with Tom Servo.
Crow:  I don't see...oh.  Oh...my.
Tom:  [chuckling] Hey, I can't blame you, Crow...a handsome bot like
      me....
Crow:  You take that back, Tom Servo!
Gypsy:  If this were my story, you'd both fall into each other's arms
        about now.
[Crow and Tom turn to look at Gypsy, then launch themselves at her.]
Gypsy:  Hey, cool it, they're just stories!  Besides, I'm writing for
        another pairing now that's *much* more popular than you guys.
[Crow and Tom pause in their attack.]
Tom:  Who's that?
Gypsy:  Frank and Dr. Forrester.
Joel:  Oh, well, that's perfectly acceptable.
Crow:  Hey Joel, think Dr. F and Frank would enjoy a little light
       reading?
Joel:  You know, Crow, I think they just might....
[Joel starts typing]
Joel:  [reading as he types] To MadScientist@deep13.com,
       TVsFrank@deep13.com:  If you want to see some great stories,
       check out the Gypsie Rose Archive at this address....
Tom:  Won't they know you sent this?
Joel:  Nope, I'm using my anonymous free account.  Aaaaand send.
[Joel presses a button and grins.  Lights and buzzers.]
Joel:  And now WE'VE GOT SLASH SIGN!
[Door sequence]

[Theater.  They enter and sit down.]

>
> [~~~]

Tom:  [sings] Like a bridge over troubled water...

> We lay together, holding each other,

Crow:  Bit tough to hold each other if you're lying apart...

> and Aragorn lightened
> my heart more than he knew with

Joel:  Filling it with helium.

> joking about his stupidity
> to 'taunt me with his hands in my pants'.

Tom:  Well, it's pretty pointless to make rude gestures if no one can
      see them.

> So whatever hurt
> I had done to him could not have been so deep as I had
> feared, if such a short time later he was able to laugh
> about it.

Crow:  [Aragorn] Hehe...never mind about that rape, Boromir....water
       under the bridge!

> So close to each other,

Joel:  And yet, so far...

> emotionally so exhausted, it was
> near impossible to ignore the lure of our bare bodies, and
> soon we began anew, kissing each other, caressing.

Tom:  [bored] Yeah, sure.  That's where you were ten pages ago.
      Nothing's going to happen this time either, right?
Crow:  This is beginning to sound like a steamy episode of "Dawson's
       Creek".

> And this time, I would be as careful and gentle as I could
> ever be.  

Crow:  Suuuure--just like last time...

> I lay on my back and placed him on top of me,

Joel:  The Middle-Earth Naked Doubles Luge team, ladies and gentlemen!

> so
> that he would never feel confined and could decide to move
> away from me whenever he liked.

Tom:  [Boromir] So that this time, when I started to rape him, he
      could escape.

> Slowly, I took my time to
> make him relax, to make him feel secure.

Crow:  Watch out, Aragorn!  Boromir's lulling you into a false sense
       of security so he can take advantage of you.  Again.  

> I gently and
> thoroughly prepared him this time,

Tom:  [Boromir] ...gently basting him all over with butter...carefully
      rubbing him with cloves of garlic....

> taking care that he
> would not tense up to such an unusual sensation.

Joel:  And now for no reason whatsoever, Legolas shows up and shoots
       them both with an arrow.
Crow:  Yes!  Legolas needs more air time in this story.
Tom:  Nooo!  That'll mean another fifty pages of foreplay!

> Thus, when
> I finally entered his body, I found him surprisingly

Crow:  All gooey and bloody and soft inside?
Tom:  F...finally...entered?!  I can't believe it--the only sensation
      I'm feeling now is relief that SOMETHING IS HAPPENING!
Crow:  Wouldn't "finally" imply that he hasn't been here before?
Joel:  Semantics, Crow, semantics...

> accepting, more so than many other men I had lain with
> before.

Joel:  Yeah, opening up someone with a rape will often make him more
       receptive...

> Moving slowly, I waited to see if he would be able to
> acquaint himself with a part of me moving inside of him,

Crow:  [Aragorn] Hello, Part-of-Boromir.  So nice to meet you.  
       Finally.

> and though his first reaction was but a harsh and rugged
> drawing in of breath,

Tom:  Yep, Aragorn's breathing is very macho.

> he relaxed more and more, his
> movements and his breath steadily filling with delight.

Crow:  [Boromir] Aragorn, how about sharing the bong with me
       once in a while?
Joel:  Or maybe Aragorn's having another of those asthma attacks....
Tom:  How do movements fill with delight?
Crow:  His shoulderblades and gloriously unwashed hair (which smelled
       faintly of roses and tree sap) filled with delight.

> And I delighted in it, as well, very well indeed.  To feel
> my lover's body on top of mine,

Tom:  Crushing him, God willing.

> to feel him react with
> every move of mine,
> feel him writhe,

Tom:  ...in agony...

> hear him suppress a

Crow:  ...yawn...

> moan, it all fuelled my passions until, once again, they
> blanketed out all rational though of mine.

Joel:  Medic!  Boromir's blacking out again!
Crow:  I guess he has poor circulation--not enough blood left to get
       to his brain.
Joel:  That would explain so much.

> But, alas, this time I did no harm,

Tom:  [Boromir] Alas!  I was HOPING to maim him for life--or at least
      make him cry a little.
Joel:  [Boromir] I tried raping him and he just laughed it off!
       Doesn't *anything* bother this guy?

> and when I came back to
> my senses again,

Tom:  As far as I can tell, Boromir has *never* come to his senses in
      this story.
Joel:  Why doesn't he just save time and fall into a permanent coma?

> I felt my lover's sweat-covered body still
> lying on top of mine, both of us breathing heavily.

Crow:  [Boromir] Alas, I seem to black out every time I have sex.
Tom:  [Boromir] Was it good for me, too?

> My
> passions had been wild and hardly controllable, yet after
> they had passed their peak, they receded to leave a lasting
> feeling of

Joel:  Exhaustion?
Tom:  Tiredness?
Crow:  Disgust?

> contentment, that kind of mellow happiness that
> slows your wits and makes you smirk constantly.

Joel:  Well, Boromir's got the slow wits and Aragorn smirks
       constantly.
Tom:  If Boromir's wits get any slower, he's going to be clinically
      dead.
Crow:  I'm telling you, they're both stoned off their gourds.

> So I smirked when Aragorn let himself slide off my body,
> still panting, looking at me with eyes wide of wondrous
> delight.

All:  [sing] His eyes nearly popped right out of his head/He gave a
      squeal of glee...
Crow:  And then Boromir rolls over and goes to sleep, right?
Tom:  Hasn't he been sleeping the whole time?
Joel:  Sleepwalking, at least.

> His intent

Crow:  [Boromir] ...to kill me as soon as I slept...

> was clear in his eyes, and I couldn't
> have thought of anything else I'd rather have him do.

Crow:  Hehe, me neither.  

> For usually, I do not prefer to be on the receiving side of an
> arrangement like ours,

Tom:  So Boromir's not into being raped himself, then?
Joel:  You know what they say--those who can dish it out can't take
       it.

> but happy and peaceful as I felt,
> when he slid behind me, asking me what to do next,

Crow:  Amazing that getting raped and having sex with Boromir hasn't
       cleared up that little conundrum.

> all I
> did was to smirk and show him the way.
>
> He needed very little help, as was to be expected,

Tom:  [Aragorn] Der...round peg goes into round hole...?

> but when
> I felt him entering my body, it was less the physical
> sensation that made me groan with delight.

Tom:  [Boromir] It was the knowledge I was getting my pipes squeaky
      clean and whitewashed!

> Being so close
> to your lover, hearing him next to you, feeling his body go
> tense, feel him inside you as well as next to you

Crow:  Whoa, sounds like an out-of-body experience.
Tom:  Why not?  The rest of this has been an out-of-mind experience.
Joel:  Too bad it isn't an out-of-sight experience.

> is a
> feeling that is hard to describe.

Joel:  [Boromir] But I'll spend the next twelve pages trying anyway.

> I could guess what he
> felt, for mere moments ago I had enjoyed the same
> pleasures--

Tom:  [Boromir] But I was secure in the knowledge that I was better at
      it than he was.

> but physically so close to him my mind echoed in
> delight with what he sensed, and his joy became mine as
> well.

Joel:  Vulcan mind meld?

> Gently he increased his pace, and I felt him move within my
> body.

Tom:  [Boromir] ...gradually sucking out all that remained of me like
      some vast, nasty parasite...

> But within my mind, I felt his passions rise, felt
> his mind close to mine, as in unison, moving like dancers
> in mirroring steps, joined in the same dance.

Crow:  These two just get fruitier and fruitier, don't they?

> Strangely to me it was that this night I was able to find
> joy in offering myself,

Tom:  To some pagan god as a human sacrifice?

> dignity in submission, whereas
> before I had only done so in attempt to return dutifully
> what had been given to me before.

Tom:  Huh?
Crow:  What?
Joel:  Hey--don't look at me!

> I felt his movements gain momentum, his passion ready to
> burst, but suddenly, unexpectedly, he retracted, stopping
> himself, panting silently.

Joel:  New philosophy question:  If an Aragorn pants silently in the
       forest, does he make a sound?
Tom:  And if he's silently panting, how can Boromir hear him?

> "What's wrong?" I asked.
>
> "I--" he began, still breathing hard.  "I don't want to
> finish--like this..."

Tom:  But we really *want* you to finish!
Crow:  [Aragorn] Dammit, I'm a ranger!  A *ranger*!  And this is *not*
       what I call "foraging"!

> I turned around to look at his face, hot and shining with
> sweat.
>
> And deep within his dark eyes, glinting as ever,

Tom:  I don't trust those dark, glinty eyes of his...

> I found a
> feeling, a sentiment so close to my own thoughts, that it
> hardly needed any words between us.  

Joel:  ...And Boromir's heart grew three sizes that day...

> As I reveled now in my
> lover's feelings,

Crow:  [sings] FEEEEEEElings...wo, wo, wo, FEEEEEEElings....

> he did in mine.  And by lying behind my
> back, holding me in his arms, he could feel my body react,
> but was unable to see my face.  

Tom:  Well, thanks for clearing that up for me.
Joel:  Clear...up?

> He wanted to join not only
> in body, but be close to my mind as well, and his wish
> honored me and filled me with joy.

Crow:  Isn't Aragorn supposed to be having some kind of perfect love
       that transcends time and space for Arwen?
Joel:  Well, only on weekdays.  He needs *some* time off from that.

> So I turned around on my back, cushioning my head and
> shoulders on one of the omnipresent, moss-covered roots.

Tom:  I don't think the author really means "omnipresent."  The roots
      aren't everywhere in the whole world.
Crow:  Ha!  That's what they *want* you to think.

> Motioning Aragorn to move up to me, I placed him between my
> legs, his face close to mine,

Tom:  I hope by "mine", he means his *face*...

> the dark strands of his hair
> touching my face every now and then.

Crow:  I don't get the physics of this position.
Joel:  Um, I think Boromir's in Aragorn's lap.
Tom:  Huh?  I thought it was the other way around.
Crow:  Boromir's on his back, isn't he?
Joel:  Well, um...  [scratches head] You're right.
Tom:  So if Aragorn's...or if Boromir's...hmm.
Crow:  Unless Aragorn's extremely well-endowed, or Boromir's a card-
       carrying member of the Cirque du Soleil, I don't see how this
       will work.
Joel:  It'd have to be a very flexible Boromir, coupled by a very
       well-endowed Aragorn.  Uh, literally.

> The light in his eyes clearly showed that I had guessed his
> intentions, and that he was glad to find me sharing his
> wish.

Joel:  Awww--they blew out the joint birthday candle!

> This time, he did not need any help at all, and when he
> slid into me, I saw his face split

Tom:  ...and melt away, revealing the aliens holding the dreaded anal
      probe...

> into a thin wolfish
> grin, full of feral desire, full of passion, his eyes
> glinting like steel

Crow:  The Bionic Man!

> with intensity and delight, never for a
> second leaving mine.
>
> Seeing his face like this made me shudder with

Tom:  Revulsion?
Joel:  Fear?
Crow:  Disgust?

> desire.
> Seeing him move on top of me made my heart race.

Joel:  [Boromir] So...heavy...

> And move he did, alas!

Tom:  [Boromir] While I was pinned down, he reached over and stole
      my sandwich!
Crow:  [Boromir] Damn that Aragorn!  I wish he'd hold still and let me
       sleep.

> Slowly at first, taking in every
> single sensation, intensely watching my face,

Tom:  It must be somewhat disconcerting to have Aragorn staring you
      down during sex...

> delighting in
> my every reaction.  Then faster, bit by bit, until drops of
> sweat began to drip from his glinting body

Joel:  He's got the Hi-Pro Glow!
Crow:  No WONDER Aragorn's so skinny!  All he gets is dog food!
Joel:  It tastes awful, but it's good for his fur.

> onto my chest,
> running down strands of his hair into my face.

Joel:  So now Boromir can smell like Herbal Essences Roses and Tree
       Sap shampoo, too.

> And all the while, we held our look, feeling the other's
> passion rise, delighting in it, fuelling the other one even
> more with our delight.  In an ever-increasing circle our
> minds had locked seemingly,

[All hum "Star Trek" battle music]

> and though the physical was by
> no means unpleasant, my world seemed to shrivel away

Joel:  I don't think any man would use the word "shrivel" during sex.
       Ever.

> until
> all it encompassed was the sensation of our two bodies
> entwined, crowned by the sight of my lovers face.

Tom:  How do you crown a sensation?  And with a face, no less?
Joel:  You have to stop thinking so hard...

> I could see that Aragorn's body tried to make him close his
> eyes,

Crow:  [Aragorn's body] Must...not...look...at...Boromir...

> to focus inwards in anticipation of the cascading
> sensations of his peaking passions, his hands clenched into
> my shoulders, yet he kept his eyes open, by sheer force of
> will.

Crow:  [Aragorn] Must...look...at...Boromir...
Tom:  Do I hear "Dueling Banjos"?

> The look in his eyes, burning with desire yet full of
> intent and force of will,

Joel:  He seems to have a lot of will to go around.

> his lips tight with
> concentration, only now and then twitching,

Tom:  ...with the nervous tic so often seen in serial killers...

> giving way to
> low moans of pleasure--even remembering his look made me
> shiver for days afterwards.

Crow:  Like a bad horror movie.

> And so, when finally he could not hold on any longer, when
> the passion he had held back for so long had become
> unbearable, he let himself go

Joel:  It's a shame that a good Ranger like Aragorn let himself go
       like that.

> all at once, his eyes locked
> with mine all the time, willingly sharing his most intense
> moments with me, taking in my face all the while in turn.

Crow:  Does the looking seem to last an eternity, or is that just me?

> And I could feel his passion bust like a barrel of wine
> that had been corked too early,

Tom:  Um, do you cork barrels?

> exploding outwards,

Crow:  YOWTCH!  That's *gotta* hurt.
[Joel crosses his legs.]

> releasing so much build-up pleasure.

Tom:  Uh, most wine isn't carbonated...
Joel:  Maybe it's champagne.
Crow:  Happy New Year!

> Aragorn let out a soft
> cry, mangled by his convulsing muscles,

Tom:  His own larnyx is strangling him!

> his hands on my
> shoulders cramping, tearing my skin.  I felt his sensations
> as I would have felt mine,

Tom:  Now they're the Corsican Brothers!
Crow:  How would Boromir know?  He blacked out during his.
Joel:  Right--it's "as I would have felt mine, if I hadn't been
       unconscious at the time."

> so I thought,

Joel:  See?  He was just guessing anyhow.

> and when he
> finally closed his eyes, worn out, panting and
> sweat-covered on top of me, even my own hands trembled in
> memory of the latest moments.

Tom:  [Aragorn] My GOD!  What have I done?!

> Gently, I moved him down next to me into the moss,

Crow:  With the fertilizer and potting soil...

> where he
> rolled himself into my arms, his face so serene and open I
> would have fallen in love with him again, had I not been
> utterly lost to him already.

Crow:  Now Aragorn's apparently as foggy as Boromir.
Tom:  Let's hope they don't find each other.

> Cuddled in my arms the mighty warrior lay,

Tom:  Oxymoron too powerful...frying my circuits....
Joel:  What kind of Moron?

> both our bodies
> steaming in the cooling night.

Crow:  Like manure.

> I watched him for a long
> time, watched the face that now was as peaceful as it had
> been passionate and demanding only minutes ago.

Tom:  [Boromir] Crap!  I killed him.
Crow:  Stupid Boromir.

> How a single man can have so many faces, each so very
> different to all the others, I mused.

Tom:  Married men, of course, are masters of disguise.  They have to
      be.

> And how beautiful
> some of them could be, though the beautiful ones usually
> were the ones people hide best.

Crow:  [sings] Some people take/a beautiful...Aragorn.../and hide him
       away from the rest of the world...

> Especially men.
>
> But this man might be different.  My man.  

Joel:  It's official--I now want to throw up everything I've ever
       eaten.

> Holding him in my
> arms, studying his face, I saw that often when I had
> thought him condescending he truly had only tried to be of
> help.

Crow:  Which, of course, Boromir was too stupid to catch on to.

> And that the worry that had creased his face whenever
> we talked had not been annoyance, but sorrow of love
> unrequited.

Tom:  Trust me, Boromir, it was annoyance.

>
> Once more I wondered how stupid and unperceptive I could
> be,

Crow:  We've been wondering about that all through the story!
Tom:  Perhaps he would have been less stupid and unperceptive if he'd
      stayed conscious.

> and wondered all the more how he could still love me
> after all that I had done.

Tom:  [Sings] Oh, I wonder, wonder, do-wop-a-do-wop-dooooo....

>
> [~~~]

Crow:  I wonder if there's a troll hiding under that bridge.

>
> Finally, Aragorn opened his eyes again, blinking into my
> face like a child into the sun of morning,

Joel:  ...and then going blind?

> barely able to
> hide that insidious smirk.

Crow:  Sounds like Aragorn's been plotting Boromir's demise all
       night...

> I kissed him gently on his
> forehead, and having nothing to say,

Joel:  Why do I find that hard to believe?

> I left our embrace to
> collect some of our wide-strewn clothing to form some kind
> of protective cover for us, as the night began to cool.

Joel:  So now Boromir's building a shelter?
Tom:  [Boromir] It's a good thing you wore an extra-long cloak, my
      love.

> We lay together in silence for quite a time,

Crow:  I'm sure Boromir couldn't be silent for more than 30 seconds,
       tops.

> and more than
> once I thanked all the powers involved for gifting me with
> such a love, repeatedly within a single night.

Tom:  [The Powers Involved] Arrrgh!  Enough with the thanking!

>
> So I thanked Aragorn, too, for his acceptance and
> forgiveness,

Crow:  ...for his being a total doormat...

> for his giving tonight had healed my heart in
> many ways, though I had deserved nothing so kind.  

Joel:  Especially after raping him.

> But he in
> turn called me sweet, and caring, and valiant; and his
> sweet words filled my heart to the brim.

Tom:  Now he's delusional--I don't recall Aragorn saying that!
Joel:  He must have envisioned it during the blackout.

> We could have
> stayed like this, holding each other, exchanging silly
> praise,

Crow:  [Boromir] You look radiant, Puff-muffin.
Tom:  [Aragorn] Thank you, Lug-o-Lover.

> hard to believe yet received and cherished with all
> our hearts.  We could have, had I not forcefully pursued a
> subject he squirmingly had tried to avoid.

Tom:  And Boromir ruins the situation by being an idiot.  Again.
Joel:  Well, at least he's in character.

> I had asked him about the pendant he wore around his neck,
> for it seemed so very unfitting around the neck of a
> ranger, rugged and manly as he was.

Crow:  You keep telling us that, but we don't believe it.

> But it had been a parting gift to him by the Lady Arwen,
> the daughter of the elf Elrond.  A parting gift by his
> betrothed.

All:  Doh!
Tom:  Way to ruin the moment, Boromir.

> I had never had any foolish ideas about the two of us
> staying together happily ever after--

Joel:  That's the most comforting thing I've heard so far.
Tom:  It's the most *intelligent* thing I've heard so far.

> but the thought of him
> already being promised to a woman irked me.

Tom:  [Boromir] So I throttled him.  But I blacked out.
Crow:  [Boromir] Oh no!  What have I done *this* time?!

> Especially as I
> had come to know the Lady Arwen as beautiful and wise and,
> worst of all, as a very nice Lady.

Joel:  [Boromir, as Jerry Lewis] Hey, LAY-DY!  Nice elfy LAAAAAY-DY!

> So I pressed on, trying to force him to any kind of
> commitment, be it with me or the Lady Arwen.

Tom:  Uh, why?  A minute ago he said he was okay.

> And while I
> tried to mute the unnecessary insecurity in my heart,

Crow:  I'd say that's necessary insecurity.  The guy's engaged to
       someone else!

> he stayed calm and thoughtful as ever, not giving promises he
> could not stand to in the light of dawn, nor rejecting me
> as a mere adventure

Tom:  [Aragorn] I've conquered Mount Boromir!

> to stop my prodding.

Joel:  [Aragorn] Quit poking me!

> I surely would
> have never dared to be so bold in my approach if I had
> known about his pledge,

Crow:  How could he not know?  Everybody knew.
Joel:  Maybe he blacked that out, too.
Tom:  [Boromir] Dude, you're engaged?  Bummer.

> and I'd never even have thought
> about anything like tonight if I had known about the Lady
> Arwen's relation to Galadriel.

Crow:  [Boromir] Now Galadriel's going to kill us.  Way to go.
Tom:  Stupid Boromir.

> But it had happened, as
> surely as I had tried to make him give me some kind of
> commitment and as surely as he had given none.

Crow:  And the East-Going Zax and the West-Going Zax were facing each
       other, stopped dead in their tracks....

> So after a while we both went back to silence.

Tom:  [Aragorn, thinking] I just sold myself for a sandwich.  I feel
      so cheap.

> Aragorn, for
> he thought the matter settled, me as I had given up
> attacking his convictions

Tom:  I get this sudden image of Boromir as Don Quixote...

> that seemed as unmovable as a
> mountain-range.  Our talk had left me unsatisfied, and
> though I knew that his love was true,

Joel:  [Boromir] 'Cause roses were red, and violets were blue...

> irrationally I
> thought that his noncommittal way lessened what had
> happened between us that night.

Tom:  Now who's cheap, eh?

> And this even irked me
> more, for I usually do not mind encounters for a single
> night that disappear to nothing but pleasant memories in
> the light of dawn.

Crow:  Why don't I think Aragorn's going to feel good about this in
       the morning?

> But this time, I had hoped it to be
> different, hoped that, against all reason, our love would
> be mutually lasting.

Joel:  I'd say that's against all reason!

>
> With a mute sigh of regret, I realised that I had truly,
> deeply fallen in love beyond redemption.

Crow:  No taking Boromir back to the supermarket for your nickel
       deposit.

>
> Fallen in love the way a man can only fall once.
>
> And of all the men there were, it had to be him.

All:  [singing] It had to be him...it had to be him...

> So I pulled him closer into my arms, holding him tight,

Crow:  [Aragorn] Can't...breathe...world...fading....

> so
> that when we had to part at dawn I would have at least the
> memory of one night with him.

Tom:  [Boromir] ...before I killed him.  If I can't have him, no one
      can.

> Silence fell, and for a long time, the only sound was the
> occasional rustle of a gentle wind in the leaves above us
> and Aragorn's deep and regular breathing.

Tom:  [Boromir] Great.  He snores.  Way to ruin the moment.

>
> [~~~]

Joel:  Hey, it's the Bridge of Death!  Where's the Old Man
       From Scene 24?

>
> Then, when finally I had banished my somber thoughts deep
> enough to find some sleep, Aragorn said softly:
>
> "There is one thing I can promise you, though."

Tom:  [Boromir] Dammit, you woke me up!
Crow:  [Boromir] When I came to again, my hands were around his throat
       and his face was an unnatural shade of purple....

> I listened up in astonishment--hadn't he been the one who
> had been so adamantly opposed to any promises?
>
> "I can promise you that, whatever happens, I will never
> hurt you.  

Crow:  [Aragorn] ...like you hurt me, you big hulking brute!

> I can promise that I will ever try to protect
> both your body and soul from harm, and that I will gladly
> give not only my life, but also my happiness to see it
> done."

Tom:  As in, done in.

> I blinked in pure bewilderment at his words.  What was this?

Joel:  I guess the bloodflow went someplace else.  It's not in his
       brain.
Crow:  It's either in one head or the other....

> "I cannot promise you what I will do in days to come, nor
> can I promise that all will be well.

Tom:  Sheesh!  Some politician he is.

> But I can tell that
> your life and happiness are so close to my heart that I
> will try to protect them at all costs."
>
> He had turned around to face me by then and I had to bite
> back my

Tom:  [Boromir] ...tongue.  Which I promptly swallowed, forever
      ending my interminable monologues.
Crow:  Wishful thinking, Tom.

> tears when I heard what he said.
>
> "And that I will always love you,

Joel:  [sings, as Aragorn] And IIIIiiiiIIII...will always love you....

> whatever fate has been
> laid out before us," he finished, grinning at my
> flabbergasted expression.
>
> I was speechless for quite some time.  

Tom:  Yeah, sure.

> Hadn't he been the
> one who had intended to wait until all the war was over,
> who had thought that one of us might be dead by then
> anyway?  I repeatedly failed to understand

Crow:  No kidding!

> what had brought
> about his sudden change of mind.  

Joel:  Aliens.  Had to be aliens...

> And what a thorough change
> it had been!  I felt gifted thrice in a single night,

Crow:  Boromir's God-complex is getting worse--now he thinks he's the
       Christ Child.

> for
> once more he had proven that his feelings were true.  And he
> had graced them with the certainty that they were not
> spoken thoughtlessly,

Tom:  [Boromir] Like nearly everthing I said...

> for he had indeed taken his time to
> think.

Joel:  [Boromir] Which is more than I can say I ever did.

> He had graced me with his love thrice, each time by his
> free will

Tom:  Last time I checked, being raped wasn't an act of free will.

> and each time I had not been deserving of his
> love.  That he declared himself to me this way,

Tom:  Any fruit to declare?
Crow:  [Aragorn] Just me.

> that after
> all that had happened he still was willing to commit
> himself to me in any way made my heart swell with love for
> him.

Crow:  I wish it would pop.

> Tears in my eyes, I searched for words

Tom:  Please, no more words!

> befitting my
> emotions, expressing all the love and gratitude and undying
> loyalty I felt within me--and from my deepest memory came
> forth a lover's pledge, as solemn as it was ancient.  

Joel:  So he finally remembers something...

> And so
> I spoke, naked except for the grime of my unwashed body,

Crow:  I didn't need that image.
Tom:  Roses and Tree Sap no more!

> holding my Lover in my arms:
>
> "I will pledge to you that I will always be by your side in
> love, if not in body, than in soul, and that I shall always
> strive to keep you from harm,

Crow:  [Boromir] Unless, of course, I happen to be raping you...

> be it in body, heart or soul,
> by acting or abstaining, by life or death.  So I pledge, to
> be true and binding until my very last breath, for the gods
> to bear witness."

Tom:  Uh...did Boromir just propose?

> Having spoken, I knew that my words, though far too solemn
> and ceremonial for the occasion, were exactly saying what I
> wanted to express, clothing my thoughts in words far more
> befitting than any of my own.

Crow:  *Any* words would be far more fitting...

> And I knew that I intended to hold up to my oath, whatever
> it would take me to do so.

Joel:  Like Atlas, with the weight of the world on his shoulders.

> "I thank you, Lover, and in all honor and with great joy I
> do accept your oath," Aragorn replied to my great surprise,
> answering my pledge with its ceremonial reply.

Joel:  [Aragorn] Dude, are we, like, married now?
Crow:  [Aragorn] How are we going to break this to Arwen?
Tom:  Aragorn's journal for today:  "Delirious with hunger, I pledged
      myself in marriage to Boromir.  Stupid Boromir."

> So we kissed, and my overflowing heart finally found a way
> to express itself:

Crow:  Like a barrel ready to bust--
Joel:  Stop it, Crow.

> by tender love and care and the
> certainty that it would be able to continue to do so for a
> long time to come.

Tom:  Oh GOD!!!  This is never going to END!!

>
> I felt all at ease, at peace with all the world,

Joel:  Ford's in his Flyvver and all's right with the world.

> when he
> finally curved up again in my arms, and gently kissing the
> base of his neck, I wished him pleasant dreams and finally
> let sleep come to me, wash over me like the waves of the
> returning tide.

Crow:  Wish he'd drown...

>
> [~~~]

Joel:  The Bridge of the Enterprise?

>
> And then, I died.

Tom:  FINALLY!
Joel:  Just like that?
Crow:  [sings] I just died in your arms tonight....

>
> Mere days after I had promised Aragorn to be at his side in
> love forever, I left him.

Joel:  [Boromir] We got hungry eventually, so I had to go find food.
Tom:  What?!  NO!  Boromir's *dead*!  How can he still be talking
      about it?!
Joel:  Maybe this is the afterlife...
Tom:  Leaving him ALL OF ETERNITY to reminisce about his fling with
      Aragorn?  NOOOO!  
Crow:  This is hell, isn't it, Joel?  We've died and gone to hell and
       Bore-omir is going to bore us for all eternity, isn't he?!
[Bots scream.  Joel pats them on the shoulders.]

> I deserted him, though I had pledged to see him through the
> trials of the days yet to come.

Joel:  Arwen was suing him for breach of promise.

> We had not had much time to share our thoughts after that
> night in the grove, for we had set out from Lorien in
> boats,

Joel:  And everyone knows it's impossible to carry on a conversation
       in a boat.

> each one aboard a different craft.
> At nights we were
> on guard duty in different turns, unable to share but a
> loving smile or a soft brush with the hand.

Crow:  So they cop a feel at the changing of the watch?

> Though few, these little moments reminded me that that
> night in the grove had not been a dream

Tom:  ...or a blackout-induced illusion...

> and that there
> still was a bond between us.  But it was not enough to
> lighten my heart, nor could they wipe away the fact that,
> on the road to my home again,

All:  [sing] On the road again/Just can't wait to get on the road
      again...

> I worried once more about the
> chances of waging a war against Mordor without the aid the
> power of the Ring promised in my eyes.

Tom:  So is the Ring giving him X-ray vision or something?

>
> I knew that if I had had the chance to speak to him freely,
> he would have merely smiled, shrugged and solved my worries
> with but a single phrase.

Tom:  Uh...this is Aragorn, not Gandalf...

> But he was not there, not there
> for me in the way I would have needed him.

Crow:  Naked, and bent over a--
Joel:  No more, Crow!  I mean it.

>
> At first, I tried to bury my fears, to ignore those nagging
> thoughts that constantly demanded that I think

Joel:  Those thoughts ask waaay too much of him!

> first and
> foremost of the good of my people--disregarding personal
> affinities.

Tom:  Wouldn't the good of *his* people be a "personal affinity"?

>
> But I failed.
>
> I cannot clearly remember what brought me to go after
> Frodo, trying to press the Ring from him.

Joel:  He blacked out *again*.  What is that, twelve times now?

> Maybe it was
> Sauron's dark lure;

Crow:  [Boromir] Or maybe it was Frodo's cute little hobbit ass.  
       Either way, what could I do?

> maybe it was just once more stupidity
> and thoughtlessness of mine in historical proportions.

Tom:  I vote for that one.

> Whatever had been the reason for this encounter, in effect
> it was because of this that the attacking orcs found us
> divided and ill-prepared, making us easy prey.
>
> I know I fought well, but obviously not well enough.

Tom:  Obviously not, as you've been dying for, what, 30 pages now?

> Neither did I save the two young halflings from being taken
> by the orcs, nor did I manage to survive to stay true to
> the pledge I had given to my Lover.

Joel:  Boromir wins the Screw-up of the Year award!

> I can see him kneeling next to my body now, splattered in
> blood himself, some of it his own, much more

Crow:  [Boromir] ...appears to be mine, as he's stabbed me in the
       heart while screaming, "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!"

> the one of his
> foes.  He must have fought and killed the huge one with the
> bow, for its body lies nearby, its head missing.
>
> Aragorn has cradled my head in his lap, talking softly,

Joel:  [Aragorn] You see, Boromir, *I* hired those orcs to make sure
       you never rape another man again.
Crow:  [Aragorn] See that orc over there without a head?  I was
       practicing what I'm about to do to *you*...

> holding my hand.  I can see the tears in his eyes.

Tom:  Bet those are tears of joy...

> Why isn't he angry?!  I have deserted him!

Crow:  You've just answered your own question.

> Haven't I failed
> you most miserably?  Why, oh gods, are you still so sad?

Tom:  [Aragorn] Because you're still TALKING!

> Why
> does my death cause so much grief for the single one person
> I hoped to make happy before all?
>
> I feel his grief, feel the immeasurable depth of his loss.

Joel:  [Boromir] And it's kind of turning me on.

> And it hurts me beyond words.  He loves me; I know that, for
> he has given himself to me in body, heart and soul.

[All start humming "Heart and Soul"]

> I hoped to be worthy of you, my Lover, if only for a short
> time.

Tom:  [Boromir/Garth] I'm not worthy!

> But once more, I have failed the test.

Crow:  Special ed.  See?

> And yet, still you call me with your love, still you do not
> let me go.  

Crow:  [Aragorn/Don Corleone] I keep trying to get out--but you keep
       pulling me back in!

> Still you love me.
>
> Your face, your love is all that is left of the world for
> me, and yet it seems that I have not lost anything of great
> value,

Tom:  Yup--only your life, which definately wasn't of great value...

> for you are still with me, still loving me.

Crow:  [Boromir] ...from that position I mounted you on my wall.
Joel:  This is longer than Hamlet's death scene...
Tom:  JUST DIE, already!

> And it seems to me that your mind is urging me on, not to
> stay with you too long, to go where the souls of man go
> when their bodies die.

Crow:  See, Aragorn agrees with us.

> The One has given Death as a gift to humanity, as an end to
> their suffering--and yet I feel that you will be there,
> wherever I may come

Crow:  Wouldn't it be more in spirit of the story to just end that
       sentence right there?

> to when I leave this place.
>
> I am not afraid to leave, for it is you that will wait for
> me on the other side.  

Joel:  [Aragorn] Not if I can help it!

> Perhaps, Death is truly final.  

Tom:  Of course, we'll never know that, because Boromir will NEVER
      DIE!!

> But it
> might as well be that the One himself cannot make himself
> part the ones who truly love.
>
> So if I leave you now, my Lover, I will not abandon you.

Crow:  [Aragorn] Damn.  I thought I was finally getting rid of him.

> I
> hope that you will pass through the days to come without
> harm, and that my death may prove a boon, not a burden.

Tom:  [Boromir] And if you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I
      hope you dance!

> My Lover, greet all those I have left behind.

Joel:  [Boromir] Be sure to send a card to my aunt Mildred.  It's her
       birthday on Thursday.

> Take care of
> yourself.

Joel:  [Boromir] Always wear long underwear when it's cold out.

> I follow the call that I hear,

Tom:  It's the Horn of Gondor!

> the one that calls
> me in your voice to a place far from here, urges me onward.

Crow:  [Aragorn] Yes!  Go!  Go!

> I love you, and that you deemed me worthy of your love made
> my life fulfilled.  I love you, and wherever I go, I will
> never forget.

Tom:  Even though that's all he seemed capable of doing throughout the
      whole story.

> I love you.
>
> I love you...

Joel:  [Aragorn] So, uh, you love me?

>
> [~~~]

Crow:  Aww, it's a rainbow bridge!

>
> OsirisBrackhaus@aol.com

[Joel picks up Tom and they leave the theater.  Door sequence.]

[SoL bridge.  Gypsy is there as Joel and the Bots emerge from the
theater, and the Mads' light is already blinking.]
Joel:  Looks like they got my mail.  [He hits the light.] Hey, Dr.
       Forrester.  What can I do you for?

[Deep 13.  Dr. Forrester is looking angrily at the camera with folded
arms.  In the background, Frank is eagerly reading something on a
computer screen.]
Dr. F:  Well well, "Superbotmastr@nowhere.com," that was a cute trick.
        I don't suppose you thought that I might have email-tracing
        software, did you?

[SoL]
Tom:  Now, you can't blame Joel for this!
Crow:  He didn't even write those stories.

[Deep 13]
Dr. F:  Oh?  Who *did* write them, then?

[SoL]
Crow:  We'll never tell!
Tom:  Gypsy.
Gypsy:  What?  I...I don't remember writing anything.  I think I must
        have blacked out.

[Deep 13]
Dr. F:  That's the lamest excuse I've ever heard.

[SoL]
Gypsy:  No, it's true!  I don't remember a thing!
Joel:  Boromir did it all the time in the fanfic you just sent us.

[Deep 13]
Dr. F:  I...I sent you a fanfic?  Gosh, I don't remember that at
        all.....

[SoL]
Joel:  Don't tell me--you blacked out.

[Deep 13]
Dr. F:  Yes, something like that.  It must have been the shock from
        reading those stories you sent me.

[SoL]
Joel:  Stories?  I don't remember sending you any stories.

[Deep 13]
Frank:  [in background] Wow!  Look at this one, Steve!  I'm a real
        stud in this one.....
Dr. F:  Excuse me.
[He goes back and starts throttling Frank, dragging him halfway
across the floor.]

[SoL]
Tom:  Oh, how I wish I could black that out.
Joel:  Wait!  Dr. F!  You'll kill him!

[Deep 13.  Dr. F releases Frank.  Frank starts coughing.]
Dr. F:  [looking at his hands] ...What have I done?  All the gods,
        what have I done?
Frank:  What...what was I reading again?

[SoL]
Crow:  Beats me.  I don't remember anything from the last hour.
Gypsy:  I can't remember anything from the last *week*!
Tom:  I don't remember anything from the last 5 shows!
Joel:  Who are all you people, anyway?

[Deep 13]
Dr. F:  [to Frank] Whoever you are, press the...the...thing.
Frank:  I forgot how.
Dr. F:  Like this.
[He puts his hands around Frank's neck and slams Frank's head into the
button.]

    \   |   /
      \ | /
- - - o - - - PWOOSH!
      / | \
    /   |   \

Special thanks to Jack Acid, Winter, ShadowLeopard, and DannyCat
for providing additional riffs.  Thanks also to Sarah Heiner for
pre-reading.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000" and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and copyrighted [c] 2002 by Best
Brains, Inc.  All rights reserved.

"Lord of the Rings" is copyright J.R.R.  Tolkien.  The movie
"Fellowship of the Ring" belongs to Peter Jackson and New Line
Productions.

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-commercial
parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement on
the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc.,
J.R.R. Tolkien, Peter Jackson, or New Line Productions is intended
or should be inferred.

No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are
implied or should be inferred.


Stinger:  

> And then, I died.

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