In the not-too-distant future,
Somewhere up overhead:
Mike Nelson beats all the odds,
Because he isn't dead...
Pursued by a woman, whose name is Pearl,
A twisted, sadistic, sort of girl,
She's mad Mike's mind isn't whacked,
So she decided to try a different tact!

Pearl: I'LL... GET... *YOU*!!!

"I'll send him lousy web posts,
The worst he's ever seen!
He'll have to sit and read them all,
And keep his comments clean!"

Now keep in mind, Mike has to read,
Whatever Pearl sends;
He'll try to keep his sanity,
With the help of his robot friends!

>>Robot Roll Call <<

Cambot! (She's BLACK!)
Gypsy! (My stars!)
Tom Servo (Short, red, and loving it!!)
Crooow! (Wave that flag!)

If you're wondering why Mike *has* to read,
And other useless facts,
Just repeat to yourself 'it's just a post,
I should really just relax!' For...

Mystery Science Theater Three Thousand!

Tom:   And one!
 

'Waiting' is copyrighted to Alberto Mazzetto
'Diamond Butterfly' is copyrighted to Shidosha no Tenshi.
The spammer, as always, is on his own.
Any random mention of characters, songs, movies, and the like belong to
their respective owners. All rights reserved.
 

[1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Bridge]
 

 All was well aboard the Satellite of Love, despite the massive lemon the
crew took in the gut last episode.
 Mike, Tom, and Gypsy were on the bridge in the process of psychological
healing. A blender whirled away on the counter. "You know, when life deals
me the sourest of lemons, nothing perks me up like a tall glass of frosty,
fruity, *strawberry juice!*"
 "Don't even *joke* about that, Nelson!" Tom said dangerously.
 "Heh, easy, little. Actually, this is a mixture of V-8 Tropical Splash,
Tang, and a fresh can of Jolt Cola. In the right proportions, it can do
*anything!* I call it: 'The Nelson Rocket Recovery Special'."
 "Well, I'm game." Tom said, as Mike turned off the blender, removed the
top, and inserted a couple of straws. "I mean, what have I got to lose?"
With that, both Tom and Mike partook of the strange concoction.
 Mike stood up straight, smiled stupidly, and stiffly fell over backwards
into a heap.
 Tom's head started to smoke, sputter, then cleared up completely and began
to glow like a 100 watt light bulb, (only colored blue).
 Gypsy's reaction was to quickly excuse herself from the room, and hurried
down to inside the satellite's reactor core, where she probably would be
safer.
 When the red transponder button began flashing, Mike slowly rose off the
floor, a new man. He looked like someone who had gotten about 3 weeks of
solid sleep. Still grinning, he tapped the button, and said (with a
noticeable reverb now in his voice) "At your service, Pearl Forrester! What
is our movie today, if I may be so bold to ask?"

[Castle Forrester]

 "Are you feeling okay, Nel-serino? You mean you're *ready* for another
lemon like the last one?!" Pearl was taken aback. She looked even a trifle
concerned!

[Satellite of Love Bridge]

 "Ha, ha! But of course!" Mike replied, "Bring it on, Mrs. Forrester, for I
am more than ready for whatever dreck you found for us to-day! As is Thomas,
I imagine."
 "Ah, yes, Michael," spoke up Tom, "I am also ready for today's movie, be it
hell or high water. Mrs. Forrester, I cry your pardon, but I must be off to
fetch Crow who is below decks now. I pray I will have enough time before you
give us Movie Sign, sai?"

[Castle Forrester]

 "Ah, hello then, madam and ape." The Observer strode into view, and noticed
that Pearl and Bobo's mouths were hanging open. "Hmmm... Mike, Red One? I
sense such a powerful... force?... emitting from your ship. But how?!"
 *"Well, my omniscient friend, it's simply a mystery to me. Will you be so
kind to let Pearl know that we are ready for today's experiment?"*
 "Well... sure, as you wish!" The Observer waved a hand in front of Pearl's
face but failed to get a response. "Your movie today is a Video AI lemon,
followed by a Ronin Warrior fanfic. But first, Pearl wished to send you
another helping of spam to 'soften up your brain' as she put it. All in all,
a little of everything off the internet. "
 On the view screen, Mike showed no reaction at all, but only continued to
smile. Tom excused himself to go below decks to get Crow. *"Is that all?"*
Mike sounded slightly amused. *"So be it, then. Are you sending it  now?"*
 "Uh...."
 "NO! No!" Pearl recovered. "You just enter that theater when ever you are
ready, okay? Okay! See you after... the thing... Brain Guy?"

[Satellite of Love Bridge]

 "My, if they were not acting so strange, eh...? Ah, well, into the
theater!"
 For the first time in 507 long years, Mike Nelson entered the theater by
his own free will, and set another record when he sat down and *waited for
the fanfic to begin!*
 Meanwhile:

[Holocabana]

 The soft sound of chanting hummed in the background of the Tibetan temple.
Tom Servo skimmed across the stone floor, looking down each twisted hallway.
Rather than request Magic Voice to simply turn the Holocabana off, Servo had
decided to find the gold automation on his own. Tom was under the effect of
the 'Recovery Rocket', a fact given away when Tom crossed over several wide,
gaping chasms under his own power. He called out, "Friend Crow? Sai, I am
afraid that it is time for today's experiment! Crow? CROW!!

      (crow)

 "Huh, nothing but echoes? HEY, YOU MONKS! SHADDAP ALREADY!!" The chanting
abruptly ceased.
 "Better... hmmm...." Tom sat down and stopped all movement. It was as
silent as death in the passage-way (which appeared to be carved into the
mountain itself, for the walls were now cavernous). Eventually, he heard a
faint drone, almost a sigh:

      (ohm)

 "Bingo! That has to be Crow! He *never* listens to me..." Tom continued in
the direction of the sigh, which brought him further down the path.
Eventually, the tunnel opened into a large room, which was lit by a few
torches and the glow of the figure sitting cross-legged on a high rock at
the center of the room.
 "Ohmmmm-aaaahhhh... ayiie... ahmmmm... eyron..." Crow's head was bent down
in meditation.  "Eeyroon mhann... ah em hyron... man... I am Iron..."
 "Crow?"
 The head of the gold robot shot up, and turned to look at the intruding
presence. "Ah, Servo!"
 "Crow, you've been here all night?"
 "Yepper! Ever since I had that unfortunate confrontation with my inner
nature, I've been seeking a way to prevent it from ever happening again! So,
I've created this place..." Crow gestured around him, "... to try and find
deeper meaning! And guess what?"
 "You received e-mail from the gods..." Tom smirked.
 "No, but I discovered by coming to terms with my inner hentainess and
harnessing the incredible energy that it generates, I can not only avoid
reverting back into 'Beavis-mode', but actually mold myself into an awesome
weapon of riffing power! In fact, look!" Crow held up a little black tube
device that had a button on it. In pressing said button, a beam of green
energy shot out. It was, of course, a lightsaber.
 "Hey, sweet! But where the heck did you get *that* from?"
 Crow's eyes suddenly glowed yellow for a second. When it faded, he replied
"I... don't know. It sorta just... was there!"
 *"Guys, I'm bored as hell in here, so I am calling Movie Sign,"* Mike's
voice crackled in over the intercom. *"See you in a few..."*
 "... what the *hell* is Mike on?" Crow asked.
 "I don't know, but I do know WE GOT SPAM SIGN!!
 

[6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Theater]

(Tom effortlessly glides over the air grate on his own power. Crow follows,
baffled. Mike was already sitting in the theater.)

Mike:  (wryly) What took you two so long?
Crow:  Did I miss something, here?

(Both Tom and Crow sit in their usual seats)
 

>77 MILLION FRESH EMAIL ADDRESSES FOR ONLY US$89
>-----------------------------------------------
 

Mike:  Ah, no better way to start the day than with a big ol' slab of
grisly, disgusting spam!
 

>That's right. 77 million FRESH AND VALID email addresses with NO
>duplications.
 

Tom:   I mean, God forbid we send the same spam to the same person *twice*!
Crow:  Now, are these the same 77 million e-mail addresses 'Mr. E-mail' was
selling TWO YEARS ago?
Mike:  I like the match up, 'Dave vs. the OTHER spammer'...
Bots:  (snicker)
 

>Your investment is just over $1 per million names!
>
>HOW TO MAKE SALES/MONEY ON THE INTERNET.
>----------------------------------
 

Mike:  In five easy steps...
 

>Do you have a product to offer to the online community?
 

Crow:  Yeah, I got'cher product RIGHT HERE!!
 

>Do you have a web site that that receives over 8 MILLION hits per week?
 

Tom:   (announcer's voice) Do you have as many Mob contracts out on your
life? If so, we can help...
 

>If you do, then you probably don't need what I'm offering.
 

Crow:  (announcer's voice) ... a better, faster way to wax your butt AND
clip your nose hairs at the same time!
 

>Direct marketing is easier and cheaper.
 

Tom:   (perky cheerleader) And annoying!
 

>A lot easier and a lot cheaper!
 

Tom:   (perky cheerleader) A lot annoying!
 

>That's because we provide you with:
>.................................
 

Crow:  Rhythm!
Mike:  Music!
Tom:   Tiny dots!
 

>Bulk mail programs FREE of charge
>---------------------------------
 

Mike:  ... well, okay, it will cost you your soul.
Crow:  Spammers have souls?!
Tom:  (announcer's voice) And if you call within the next ten minutes, you
get ANOTHER Bulk mailer ALSO ABSOLUTELY FREE!!
 

>These are desktop mail servers; so there is no need to send mail through
>your ISP. You can send 50,000 emails an hour using this program.
 

Crow:  Generating three times as much hate mail!
 

>Unlike other programs, our bulk mailer will send your emails into people's
>INBOX and NOT the bulk mail folder.
 

Tom:   Gentlemen, we are looking in the face of ultimate evil here...
 

>Set your computer in the morning and it can send emails all day by itself.
 

Mike:  My God, it's the Spam that Time Forgot!
Tom:   Leech-Spammer!
Crow:  Spam-slinger!
Mike:  Laser-Spam 2000!
 

>-----------------------------------------------
>*** Do you have a product that you can sell for $1 ? If you get only a 1
>percent response from mailing to this list, that's over $700,000 !
 

Mike: $770,000 to be exact.
Tom:  Hey, Crow, dig the walking calculator over here!
Crow: Yeah, what does he think he is, a *robot*?
 

>*** Do you want to do some market research? Imagine how much information
>you
>could get from a short survey sent to this list.
 

Crow: Imagine the sheer numbers of 'kiss my ass!' responses you'd ALSO get
from this list!
Mike: Heh.
 

>*** Maybe you have a business opportunity to offer.
 

Tom: (Italian accent) 'Ey, Guido! I got an' offer you can't refuse!
 

>This list would have to be a good starting point.
 

Mike:  Start at the beginning, and when you get to the end, stop!
 

>..................................... How to make money with these
>addresses?
>-------------------------------------
>- Selling a product - Being an affiliate of an adult/gambling site -
>Communicating your message or opportunity to over 70,000,000 people.
 

Crow:  So, we have the choice between selling crap, showing smut, or talking
smack.
Mike:  (snickers) Basically...
 

>.............................. HOW CAN WE DO THIS SO CHEAPLY?
>------------------------------
>
>We have been in this business for close to two years now. We have a lot of
>satisfied customers who keep coming back to us for more.
 

Mike:  A lot of masochists in this business, eh?
Crow:  Come get some!
 

>We don't just sell you the addresses; we offer after sales service to make
>sure you can MAXIMISE your sales.
 

Tom:   That's MAXIMIZE, ya limey bastard!
Mike:  OPTIMUS SPAMMER! MAXIMISE!
 

>We are not here for the short term; we hope to do business with you
>continuously for years to come.
 

Crow:  Don't you threaten US, pal.
Mike:  More like they'll GIVE you the business...
 

>We are passing to you the existing 77 million names we have just gathered
>for
>a low introductory price.
 

Mike:  I smell a fencing operation here...
Tom:   I ain't touchin' no hot addresses, see? You don't got nuthin' on me,
see?
 

>Each 2 months we hope that you will buy our updated lists that give you an
>extra
>15 million email addresses.
 

Tom:   Oh boy! Another 15 million arch nemesises to add to your list!
 

>You do not have to buy the list each month but it is available to you at
>the discounted rate of only $89. We sell them to the public for $289, but
>you get it for $89 as you would have bought from us in the past.
 

Mike:  Whoa, there, boy-howdy... We *ARE* the public!
Crow:  Isn't ALL spam meant for the public, anyway?
 

>Most companies who sell lists would charge around 3 times this amount. We
>have gone through the list in the past month and deleted any old addresses.
>We have also deleted any known Spam haters.
 

Tom:   Leaving the list with only six names, but still... ONLY EIGHTY-NINE
DOLLARS!
 

>So, we have 77 Million FRESH email addresses for only US$89.
 

Crow:  Once again, that price is $89. Accept no imitations.
 

>------------------------------------------------------------ These are all
>fresh addresses.
 

Mike:  They've yet to bend over and pick up the soap, so's to speak.
 

>The lists include almost every person on the Internet today, with no
>duplications.
 

Tom:   Unlike the upstate New York election system.
 

>They are all sorted and ready to be mailed. That is the best deal anywhere
>today! They are sorted out by domains and placed into text files of 20,000.
>Imagine selling a product for only $5 and getting only a 1% response.
>
>......................................... That's OVER $3,500,000 IN YOUR
>POCKET !!!
>-----------------------------------------
 

Mike:  (checks pocket) Um, no, all I have in here is some gum...
Tom:   And I don't have pockets!
Crow:  Me neither! What's up with that?
 

>Don't believe it? People are making that kind of money right now by doing
>the
>same thing. That is why you get so much email from people selling you their
>product....it works! It is a numbers game.
 

Mike:  More like a numbers racket.
 

>The more people you send to, the more money you will make. Need help
>setting up? ---------------------
 

Tom:   Oh my GOD!! He just got mowed down by those dashes!
Mike:  Yippee! Movie Sign called on account of death!
 

>We will even tell you how to mail them with easy to follow step-by-step
>instructions included with every order.
 

Crow:  DOH!
Mike:  Damn, he survived...
 

>We also send you a copy of every law concerning email. It is easy to obey
>the law and make a fortune. These 77 Million email addresses provided on 3
>CDs are yours to keep; so you can use them over and over.
 

Tom:   Now, that's just plain EVIL.
Crow:  (as Dr. Forrester) Naughty, naughty, naughty!!
Mike:  Crow, I told you never to do that again! It's creepy!
 

>"Not your cup of tea"? That's OK
 

Crow:  (British accent) ... simply redouble your efforts and everything will
be just smashing.
 

>-------------------------------- This offer is not for everyone. If you can
>not see just how excellent the risk/
>reward ratio in this offer is, then we thank you for your time and
>patience.
 

Mike:  (as spammer) ... for not lynching me!
 

>But if you can see the value in this opportunity, then now is the time to
>TAKE ACTION.
 

Tom:   Yeah, time to hit ye old 'delete' button.
 

>**************************************** WHAT DO YOU GET? -----------------
 

Mike:  Mostly heartburn. Spam does NOT agree with me...
Crow:  (laughs)
 

>* 77,000,000 email addresses on CD These name are all in text files ready
>to mail!!! * Bulk mail programs included at no extra cost.
 

Tom:   (Austrian accent) We are going to bulk...
Mike:  (claps once)
Tom:   ... YOU up!!
 

>* Over 100 reports on how to make money on the net. (you can even resell
>these reports) And all for ONLY US$89.00 (plus shipping)
 

Mike:  And for the ninth time, that price again is $89.
 

>HOW TO ORDER
>------------
 

Crow:  ... simply hold down Alt-F4 and you'll zap it right to us!
Tom:   Hehe, I *love* it when they fall for that!
 

>We will accept your credit card, check or money order.
 

Tom:   (as spammer) ... and panties. We also accept LOTS of panties.
 

>We now also take www.paypal.com This is a fantastic idea which has over 4
>million users already. If you want to pay us via Paypal, please email us
>and we will send you an invoice.
 

Mike:  'Paypal'? Guess it's okay, so long as someone ELSE is paying for it.
 

>Payment by Credit card - Ring USA 530 872 6557 (24 hrs, 7 days) and have
>your credit card ready.
 

Crow:  ... bend over, firmly grip your ankles, and PREPARE FOR BOARDING!
 

>Payment by check or money order - Please print and fill out the form below
>and post it along with a check or money order to REWIND EMAIL SERVICES 6408
>Skyway PARADISE, CA 95969 USA Payment by www.paypal.com : Please email us
>to rewind_mail@excite.com
 

Tom:   Be sure to rewind your spam before deleting!
 

>  your Name, Postal Address and your email address that you use with
>PayPal, from there we will invoice you, and you need to approve the invoice
>and it will be shipped immediately. For checks in currencies other than US$
>please find details below. All personal checks take 5 days to clear.
 

Crow:  (as spammer) ... and to deposit into my Swiss bank account...
SUCKERS!!
 

>Credit card/Paypal orders are sent within 24 hours of your call. You will
>receive your package within 5-10 days. You can pay an extra $30 and have it
>delivered in 3 days by FedEx. Advise the operator on the phone if you would
>like this service.
>
>TOTAL OUTLAY ------------ US$95.00 (includes $6 P & H)
 

Mike:  Whoa, whoa, hold it! What the hell happened to 'only 89 dollars'?
 

>Other Currencies (includes postage) ----------------------------------- US
>$95 Aust $180 UK 65 Pounds ALL INFORMATION NECESSARY FOR YOU TO
>SUCCESSFULLY MAIL QUICKLY, PROPERLY, & LEGALLY IS PROVIDED WITH YOUR ORDER.
>Only use this form if posting in your order.
 

Magic Voice: The order form follows...
Tom:   Thank God, we can at least skip THAT much.
 

>If you have any questions please email us at rewindemail@excite.com  DO NOT
>just hit reply, as this message hasn't come from that address.
 

Mike:  Ah, what a clever little monkey!
 

>Please note the phone numbers above are ONLY ordering numbers. The
>operators only have the same information that is contained in this email.
 

Crow:  (as spammer) The operators are also happen to be my two kids, so be
nice!
 

>............................................................. If you want
>to be removed from this mailing list please email rewindemail@excite.com
 

Tom:   And the sound barrier is IMMEDIATELY broken by the collective sounds
of people writing to that address!
 

>Please note that the above phone number is of an answering service, they
>are there to only take orders. We will remove your name from our list and
>the list we are selling if you do the above. Sorry if this email offends in
>anyway.
 

Crow:  BITE ME!!
Tom:   You are a sick, SICK man! You need HELP!!
Mike:  Easy, guys... Servo, need a boost?
Tom:   Hmmm? Yeah, that 'Rocket Recovery' stuff's worn off.
Mike:  Heh. (picks up Servo)
 

[1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Bridge]

 Mike Nelson stood silently on the bridge, preparing to make a monologue.
The house lights faded as a spotlight illuminated Mike. After a moment, he
began:
 "Spam. From the dark depths of the entity known as 'the Internet' it
crawls, seeking. Seeking the innocent to prey upon, and to grasp within its
evil clutches, and to torment with its inanity. This is its true cause, its
one purpose, and that is to annoy. From the darkness it slithers into the
Inbox, or possibly the Bulk Mail folder, but nevertheless, it comes. And to
slay one of the beasts only means eight more will emerge to take its place.
Then Death. And Hell." Finishing this spiel, Mike solemnly bowed his head,
his face in shadows.
 "BRAVO! BRAVO!" Tom exclaimed as a tape recording of vigorous applause
briefly played. "Mike, that was great! Such passion given to something as
paltry as spam!"
 Mike looked back up and smiled. "You think so? I *have* been practicing...
hey! Where's Crow? Didn't he recently take up interest in battling pure
evil? I thought he'd want to hear my spiel."
 "Yeah, upholding beauty or something like that. Last time I saw him he was
in his room making another stupid costume." Tom sighed. As if on cue, Crow
leaped out on to the Bridge behind Mike and Tom.
 "YOU NO MESS WITH CROW WANG!" Crow bellowed. Time froze.
 Crow was dressed in the outfit that, truth be know, was akin to that of Lo
Wang's of 'Shadow Warrior' fame. In his claws he held his lightsaber. For a
long moment nobody said anything as Mike and Servo stared at this apparition
of a modern day samurai. Then, as if nothing had happened, they turned back
to one another and continued their conversation.
 "So, anyway Servo... you think the practicing paid off?"
 "Oh, I'm sure of it!" Tom said. "Can you speak just as passionately about
another topic, like, I don't know... how about bunnies?"
 "Bunnies, eh? Well, I can give it a try..." Mike said as the lights dimmed
and the spotlight came on again:
 "Bunnies. From the dark depths of the entity known as 'the hutch' they hop,
seeking. Seeking the innocent to prey upon, to grasp within its evil
clutches, and to torment with its inanity. This is their true cause, their
one purpose: to annoy and be cute. From the darkness they hop into a grassy
field, or possibly an Easter basket, but nevertheless, they come. And to
slay one of the beasts only means eight more will emerge to take its place.
Then Death. And Hell." Again, Mike solemnly bowed his head, his face in
shadows.
 When the lights came on again, Tom's lower beak was hanging open. Crow (who
hadn't moved the slightest the entire time) finally spoke up.
 "Mike? That wasn't quite beautiful enough." Crow fired up his lightsaber.
"I KILL YOU NOW!"
 Suddenly, the bridge shook and the familiar lights began flashing. Mike
said, "No time for that, WE HAVE LEMON SIIIIIIGN!!!"
 "TURTLES FIGHT WITH HONOR!" screamed Crow.

[6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Theater]
 

>Alberto Mazzetto <100111.2644@CompuServe.COM>
 

Crow:  Yes, Compuserve, home of the dehumanized E-mail addresses...
(They sit as usual)
 

>                         VIDEO GIRL AI
 

Tom:   ... new, for your Nintendo Gamecube!
Crow:  Yeah, with the new rating system, the censors really loosened up!
Mike:  Mature audiences only? I don't think so...
 

>Waiting
>=======
 

Mike:  For what? That line of equal signs to cross the screen?
Tom:   Maybe it has a really lousy Internet connection, and it takes a
long time...
Crow:  *Any* time now, fanfic...
 

>by Kokoro
 

Tom:   Drink Kokomo Cola!
Crow:  That's a pretty obscure reference, Servo...
Tom:   Hey, I'm entitled to a few per MSTing!
 

>I'm lying here. Waiting.
 

Crow:  Come on, fanfic! Break time's over, so get back to work!
Mike:  I still don't get what we're waiting for...
Tom:   To be entertained? A plot?
Mike:  Maybe...
 

>My name is Ai Amano.
 

Mike:  Hi, Ai!
Tom:   ... you killed my father, prepare to die...
 

>I'm... No, I'm not really that old.
 

Tom:   Oh, God, not another pedophile lemon!
Mike:  I don't think so, Servo. Relax...
 

>You see, I'm not a normal human being.
 

Crow:  (as Ai) ... I wear my underwear on my head!
 

>I'm a Video Girl.
 

Mike:  And we are living in Video world...
Bots:  (snicker)
 

>I don't have a mom or a dad.
 

Tom:   (as Ai) ... so I can throw some kick-ass parties, let me tell you!
 

>I wasn't born.
 

Crow:  (as Ai) ... I just grewed!
 

>I'm only here because a special boy was heartbroken.
 

Mike:  Sounds like any one of my numerous blind dates...
 

>Sounds kind of stupid, doesn't it ?
 

Crow:  *Hell* yes...
 

>Heh, the closest thing to a father I have it this horrible scary man, my
>"creator".
 

Tom:   Hey, I can identify with that. Right now *our* creator is probably
knocking back a few cold ones in the Australian outback!
Crow:  Oh, Joel, why have you forsaken us?!
Mike:  Oh, I'm sure he thinks about you guys constantly...
 

>He tried to kill me.
 

Mike:  (as Ai) He said I was too perky!
 

>But now he has given me this wonderful possibility.
 

Crow:  (deep voice) Mylar!
 

>But seeing as how things are turning out I'm beginning to wonder if this
>isn't just one more of cruel schemes.
 

Tom:   He must be the one screwing up the grammar of this 'fic...
 

>I'm lying here. Waiting.
 

Mike:  Uh huh...
 

>Waiting for this special boy. Youta.
 

Crow:  Bless you! Want a Kleenex?
 

>We're doing a picture book together now !
 

Tom:   (as Ai) ... wish he could stay within the damn lines!
 

>It was always his dream and now I'm helping him with it !
 

Mike:  ... his very own 'My Little Pony' coloring book.
Tom:   Awww!
 

>Oh, Youta, if only I could tell you that I know.
 

Crow:  Well, maybe on his ten minute lunch break...
Mike:  Hey, hey, be nice...
 

>You see, I already mentioned that I was supposed to be his Video Girl
>but something happended and I lost all memories of that time.
 

Tom:   We should be so lucky...
 

>We met again, I even started to live with him, so he could protect me
>from... No, I don't want to think of her now. Those memories are so
>painful.
 

Mike:  (as Ai) They make me upset enough to mess up my tracking!
 

>Anyway, I started to like him. To love him ?
 

Crow:  Sure, why not. Next fanfic!
 

>But that wasn't possible. His heart belongs to another, to Moemi-chan.
 

Tom:   (as Ai) She needed it for Bio class!
 

>So I set up my little scenario and then I decided to be just his sister.
 

Crow:  (as Ai) He's into that sort of thing...
Mike:  Oh, *stop!*
 

>But then it happened.
 

Mike:  ... the plot reluctantly began to kick in...
 

>My past self came back. Unexpectedly. I now know how I loved him. How I
>love him.
>
>I'm lying here. Waiting.
 

Tom:   We're sitting here. Bored.
Mike:  (laughs)
 

>Crying ? No, must wipe away the tears.
 

Crow:  Oh, then could lend me some of yours? I'd cry when you say good-bye,
but...
Tom and Mike: (singing) I'm out of tears!
Crow:  Hey! That was *my* riff!
 

>Can't let him find out that I know. That would make everyone unhappy.
 

Mike:  Not us! Sooner he finds out, the sooner we leave!
 

>Youta should be away for long enough... I guess I know how I'll change my
>mood.
 

Tom:   Knitting?
Crow:  Video games?
Mike:  Get your picture adjusted?
 

>I'll do something kinky !
 

Crow:  Oh.
Tom:   Figures...
 

>Hey, where did this big grin on my face come from ?
 

Mike:  Well, Ai, your face is made up of numerous muscles, all of which work
together to form various expressions...
Crow:  (chuckles)
 

>I wonder if Youta knows I'm doing things like this from time to time or if
>he thinks I'm "pure" ?
 

Crow:  ... when, in fact, she's only 99.44% pure.
 

>Let's see, what am I wearing... a shirt with long sleeves. No bra. I don't
>like them.
 

Tom:   Figures!
Crow:  I like bras! Especially when they're down around the waist!
 

>And I love the look on Youta's face when I "accidently" bent over and he
>gets
>a nice view.
 

Mike:  Tonight, on a very special episode of 'Twin Peaks'...
Tom:   Wooo-hooo!
 

>Now if I put my right hand on my shirt where my left breast is...
 

Crow:  (as Ai) ... maybe I'll get better reception!
 

>Nice feeling. I remember now.
 

Tom:   (as Ai) I left a cake out in the rain!
Mike:  But she'll never find that recipe again.
 

>I was supposed to have bigger breasts ! But that idiot Youta had to play me
>on a broken VCR !
 

Crow:  Hey, at least the vertical hold was working.
Mike:  Why is that important?
Crow:  (hops up and down in his seat) Boing, boing, boing!
Mike:  (groan)
 

>Ah, well, who knows, had he played me on an unbroken one I might have
>turned
>out like... No, don't want to think of her.
 

Mike:  ... right, continue to leave the audience in the dark.
 

>Anyway I like my breasts ! They're so sensitive.
 

Tom:   (as Ai) I can even pick up air traffic control signals, if the
weather's right!
 

>Even through the shirt. But I'll let my hand slip under the shirt now.
>Mmmmm,
>I'm caressing my nipple now. Aah, it's getting hard !
 

Crow:  (as Ai) Dear God, I'm inflating!
 

>Does Youta ever get hard when thinking about me ? I remember the time
>Jii-chan
>brought me to his house.
 

Mike:  Man, was *that* ever a kick ass house party.
Tom:   (as Ai) Boy, you should of seen me funnel beers!
 

>I slept in his bed that night. He woke me up and complained about that. He
>stared at me.
 

Tom:   Blink!
 

>Stared at my breasts.
 

Tom:   Blink, blink.
 

>Stared at my panties.
 

Tom:   Bluh-ink!
Mike:  (laugh)
 

>And then I saw something in his pyjamas moving ! He said it was only a
>wrinkle. Yeah, sure !
 

Crow:  Sure!
 

>I'm lying here. Waiting.
 

All:   (start humming theme to 'Jeopardy')
 

>Mmmmmm, I'm massaging my breast now. Breasts.
 

Crow:  ... the *other* white meat.
Mike:  I prefer the drumsticks, myself.
 

>Moemi-chan has big breasts. She's what stands between me and Youta.
 

Tom:   (evil Ai) ... so she must *die!*
 

>But she's so nice. I can't hate her. And she's perfect for him. So womanly.
>She's perfect for him.
 

Tom:   (evil Ai) She *will* die!
 

>He waited so long for her. Come to think of it I even have to thank her for
>my existence.
 

Crow:  (Moemi as Darth Vader) I *AM* your mother, Ai...
 

>Without her there wouldn't have been a reason for the special boy to get
>heartbroken. No reason for a Video Girl.
 

Mike:  ... no reason to write this lemon...
Tom:   DAMN YOU, MOEMI!
 

>I wonder if Youta already touched Moemi-chan's breasts. He likes big
>breasts.
 

Crow:  (as Youta) Boobies and nipples! BOOBIES AND NIPPLES!
 

>I'm lying here. Waiting. So what else am I wearing. Jeans. Tight-fitting
>ones.
 

Tom:   So, this whole thing is a 'Gap' ad...
Mike:  Dockers. 'Nice pants.'
 

>I like to show off my butt. It's the part of my body I like most. I think
>it's really good-looking !
 

Mike:  And the crude butt jokes commence... now.
Crow:  Her ass is so huge, it enters the room before *she* does!
Tom:   Her ass is so huge, it's registered to vote in TWO states!
 

>How does it feel ? Hmmm, let's see... have to unbutton the jeans first.
 

Crow:  (perks up) Hel-lo, you've got *our* attention!
Tom:   Yes! Vewwy, *vewwy* interesting!
 

>Okay, now I'll lie on my tummy and slip my hands into my panties. Hmmmm,
>yeah ! Feels great. Definitely a nice set there !
 

Mike:  ...
Tom:   Whoa! Set of *what?!*
Crow:  SWEET CHRIST ON A PRONE BISCUIT! IT'S OSCAR IN DISGUISE! (dives
behind chair)
 

>Heh, feels like the opposite side of my body is slowly but surely
>getting...
>wet.
 

Tom:   Ewwww! I'm not interested anymore!
Crow:  Back, you demonic hermaphrodite! I cast thee out!
 

>Didn't I say I wanted to do something kinky ?
 

Crow:  NO!
Tom:   Put your clothes on! This lemon is *over*!
Mike:  Guys...
 

>How about something really kinky ?
 

Bots:  NO!!
Mike:  Guys, I really think you're reading *too* much into this. I think the
author just used a poor choice of words...
Crow:  It's... it's not Oscar?
Mike:  It's not Oscar. I promise.
Crow:  (hops back into seat) Well, okay..
 

>Like slipping my finger into my backside hole...
 

Mike:  ... or in other words, she 'putted' it in there.
Bots:  MIKE!!
Mike:  Heh, sorry, calm down...
 

>Let's try that... Aaaaa ! Hurts a bit. I guess I'll better lick my
>finger first...
 

Tom:   (as Ai) Test that ol' wind direction, there...
 

>Okay, another try.. Ah. Ye...s, weird feeling. Strange.
 

Crow:  The Joy of Sodomy, by Video Girl Ai.
 

>I guess I'll stay at my more conventional methods for now.
 

Mike:  (as Ai) I *cannot* be stopped by conventional orgasms!
 

>Maybe if someone special introduces me to it. Giggle.
 

Tom:   Ha. Tee. Hee.
 

>I'm lying here. Waiting. So if I move farther down I encounter... my socks
>! Down with them, too !
 

Bots:  (chanting) DOWN WITH SOCKS! UP WITH MINI-SKIRTS!
Mike:  (as Ai) What the... HEY! WHO PUT SUPERGLUE IN MY SOCKS?!
 

>Urrgh, I'm turning into a regular acrobat here. So if I now...
>Gyahahahahaha !
>I sure am ticklish !
 

Crow:  ... by taking off your socks? That *is* sort of cute...
Tom:   If she uses them to make a hand puppet, I am *so* outta here..
 

>Heh, when Natsumi teased Youta by saying he would use my image in bed Youta
>later assured me he didn't do that. But I don't believe him.
 

Mike:  (as Ai) Mostly because I know Youta still sleeps in a crib.
Tom:   (as Youta) Damn it, it's because I kept falling out! Shut up!
 

>I love the thought that he lies in his bed, thinks of me, does moves
>similar to mine now and I bring him to an orgasm.
 

Crow:  (as Ai) ... with my vibrator shoved *firmly* up his ass...
Mike:  Crow...
 

>Little sweet me. Makes me feel exstatic !
 

Tom:   Makes *me* feel nauseous...
 

>I'm lying here. Waiting.
 

Mike:  ... to exhale? For a bus? WHAT?!
 

>I'll turn around now.
 

All:   (singing) Turn around... bright eyes...
 

>Will you look at that !
 

Crow:  Um, yeah, nice exclamation point, Ai!
Tom:   That's the finest piece o' punctuation I ever seen, ma'am!
 

>Bad Ai ! Bad Ai ! Naughty, naughty Ai ! Making your panties all wet
and smelly !
 

Mike:  (snickers) Youta doesn't have her potty trained, yet?
Tom:   Well, she *did* say she wasn't that old...
 

>Smell, such an underestimated sense. I can smell Youta in this room even
>now.
 

All:   (start coughing and gagging)
 

>He doesn't know it, but when I wash his clothes I love to smell his scent
>first. Haha, I can imagine his face would he catch me doing that !
 

Crow:  (as Youta) Um, why are you masturbating with my pair of gym socks?
Mike:  (as Youta) You've been seeing my jock strap behind my back, haven't
you?
 

>Sigh, I guess I would just make up another innocent excuse.
 

Tom:   (as Ai) Because I'm stoned off my ass, honey!
 

>I'm lying here. Waiting. Back to business !
 

Mike:  Hold it. It's either one or the other!
 

>Slowly, slowly, I'll insert a finger.
 

Crow:  (as a telephone operator) Thank you. Please deposit an additional 35
cents for the next three minutes of foreplay.
Tom:   Um, doesn't she remember where that finger's just been?
 

>Hmmmmmmm, yes. And now with the other hand slowly circling around my
>clitoris.
 

Tom:   Around and around and around she goes!
Mike:  Place your bets, folk! PLACE your bets!
 

>Aaaaah. Youta ! Will I ever experience your hardness inside me before...
>before.. I disappear ?
 

Mike:  ... or we fall asleep?
Tom:   (snickers)
 

>I'm lying here. Waiting. Oh, yes, I will disappear. Just like... her.
 

Tom:   (as Ai) That... other character you don't need to know about!
 

>She said it was unheard of a Video Girl who has kept her virginity for a
>year.
 

Crow:  In other words, when their cherry pops, so do *they!*
Tom:   She considered joining a convent, but then discovered what anime nuns
*really* do to each other.
 

>Oh, and how I want to lose it to Youta now.
 

Mike:  ... take him out with an axe, mebbe a chainsaw.
Tom:   Dark, Nelson.
 

>I want to love Youta. With all my mind and all my body. I'm sorry
>Moemi-chan, I don't know how much longer I can keep out of your
>relationship.
 

Crow:  Mike, explain again why she's in love with one of those demons from
'Sailor Moon'?
Mike:  Wha? No, no, she's in love with a guy named 'Youta', not a *youma*
Crow:  Really? Then this fic makes even *less* sense, now...
Tom:   (snickers)
 

>I'm lying here. Waiting. Oh, there's the brush Youta uses to draw. Maybe
>I'm just imagining it, but I think I can still feel his touch on it.
 

Tom:   No, that's the actual grease from his oily fingers.
Crow:  Ick.
 

>Hm, if I just use it to...
 

Mike:  Ho, no, don't even *think* it, young lady!
 

>Hihi, it tickles my hair, hihi !
 

Crow:  Um, hi, Ai...
Tom:   Yippie hihihi, mother*&%^er!
 

>Now to insert it, slowly, carefully. Aaaah, how... how much deeper will it
>go ?
 

Mike:  (as 'the gesture professor') Down, down, deep into the hole...
Crow:  Damn you, Mike...
 

>Aaaaaaah ! If I let it go now... yes, it stays there by itself, I can
>insert a finger in addition to the brush now, ah, and another one, uh,
>and... a third one.
 

Crow:  (as Wayne from 'Wayne's World') ... and so on, and so on, and so on!
 

>I like the sensation of feeling "filled". And the other hand... circles
>ever faster. I even touch it directly now.
 

Tom:   Her hand? What good does *that* do her?
Mike:  No, no, Tom, by 'it' she means 'that'.
Tom:   Oh, 'that'. Got it.
Mike:  No, 'that'.
Crow:  Who's on first, Ahdunno's on second, and What's-on-her-clitoris at
third base, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you!
 

>Aaaaaaaagh ! Aaaah, that felt great. I was weightless there for a long
>moment.
 

Crow:  And now, for the climax!
Mike:  No, I believe that was just it.
Crow:  Doh! Well, guess you can't have fireworks *all* the time...
 

>Like flying through the sky. Free as a bird.
 

Tom:   High as a kite.
Mike:  Crazy as a loon.
 

>I better clean me up now before Youta comes home !
 

Mike:  (as Ai) Crap, I'll NEVER get this stain out...
 

>Oh, and the place where I have been lying, too !
 

Crow:  Actually, the author never stated precisely *where* Ai was laying.
Tom:   (as a policeman, through a bullhorn) Attention Ai Amano! Please come
down off of the roof, you are upsetting your neighbors!
Mike:  (laughs)
 

>I'm sitting now. The wait is over.
 

All:   Thank GOD!
 

>I'm can hear him enter. Here comes Youta !
>"Tadaima !"
>"Okaeri !
 

Mike:  Chief?
Tom:   McCloud!
 

>I've been waiting for you !"
 

Crow:  We KNOW, we KNOW!
 

>"Sorry, hope it wasn't too boring."
>"Oh no, don't worry, I found something to play with."
 

Tom:   (as Ai) I *love* Pokemon Gold! Teehee!
 

>"Oh good, so let's start right now. Eh ? Just what did you do to my brush ?
>It's all wet and feels sticky ?"
>"A ? Aha Ahahaha..."
 

Crow:  Ah, maniacal laughter. *That* ought to set him at ease.
Mike:  (picks up Servo) And on that note...
Tom:   Mike, what's that coming out of your butt?
Mike:  eh?
(They exit)
 

[1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Bridge]

 "Man, they've got some explaining to do!" Mike Nelson was pissed off, and
with good reason. He now had three legs. Furiously, he pulled down the
magnifier that looked into the Nanite World. "Nanites! Come in, Nanites!"
 Tom chuckled. "Oh, those delightful little scamps!" He turned as he sensed
Crow's approach. "Ah, hello, friend Crow! How goes the rage against the evil
empire?"
 "Ah, I'm taking a breather from my mystical training. Say what's up with
the fleshy one?" Crow jerked his beak in Mike's direction. "I thought they
only came equipped with TWO legs...?"
 "Oh, that? Well, remember how the Nanites have slowly been invading Mike's
body? Tinkering with his system and whatnot? Mike thinks they might know
something about his recent... addition."
 "Where did he find the jumpsuit that had three pant legs?" Crow wondered.
 "You know... that's a good question!" Both Tom and Crow stared at Mike's
legs.
 Mike's voice was quickly getting an edge to it. "Come in, Nanites!"

[Nanite World]

 Ned the Nanite tottered into view. "Speaking! YAAAA!" the little droid
screamed as a massive finger suddenly swung over his head like an alien
mothership. The Nanite was covered by its giant shadow. "MOMMY!!"

[Satellite of Love Bridge]

Mike appeared to be pointing at the air, seemingly at nothing. "YOU!" he
bellowed. "What have you guys been DOING to me?!"

[Nanite World]

 "Nu-nothing! I swear! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!!" If it were possible, Ned
would have been sweating profusely.
 *"Wha? Oh, sorry, little melodramatic of me."* The giant finger pulled away
and vanished on the 'horizon' of Ned's view. *"Now, can you please tell me
what you little fellas have been up to recently?"*
 "Um... nothing unusual... although during a routine sweep of the ship's
systems, we discovered a previously unexplored one. We sent in a few million
Nanites to map it out, figure how it works." Ned suddenly seemed friendly
enough, now that he wasn't at risk of being wiped out of his tiny existence.
 *"New system? We haven't installed anything new recently."* Mike's voice
crackled. *"What is it like, exactly? Describe it."*
 "We just got some reports back a few seconds ago." Ned's little voice
synthesizer made a small *ahem* and he continued. "'The unknown system
appears to be very red, and incredibly wet. Surfaces seem to be made of odd,
squishy substance; entire system throbs on some sort of rhythmic beat...'"
 *"A... ha. Nanite, that 'system' happens to be ME."*
 "No kidding? Fancy that! We thought it was one of those 'French
innovations' that you hear about from time to time. Well, sorry for the
problem Mr.... Delton, isn't it?"
 *"Nelson!"*
 "Right, Dawson. Well, we'll get right on it. Give us about an hour."
 *"An hour? Why not right now?"*
 "Well, we need time to tear down the theme park we've built on your spleen.
Go figure, who knew?"

[Satellite of Love Bridge]

 Mike pushed away the viewer and grimaced, holding his midsection with his
other hand. "You know, I was wondering why I've been constipated lately..."
 The familiar lights and sirens screamed to life.
 "Oh, speaking of crap, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGNNNNNNN!!!"

[6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Theater]

(Mike and the bots enter the theater)
Mike:  Man, now I'm going to have to pick out a whole new wardrobe...
(They sit as usual)
 

>Title: Diamond Butterfly
>Author: Shidosha no Tenshi
 

Tom:   ... friend to all furry woodland creatures and All Around Swell
Person.
 

>Series: Rowen & Adaylah Chronicles
>Disclaimer: I don't own anyone except for Adaylah.
 

Mike:  (as Adaylah) HA! I ain't owned by NOBODY!
Crow:  (as Adaylah) Adaylah is my SLAVE name! My real name is TOBY!
 

>Notes: This was spawned from an idea for an RPG a friend of mine and I were
>talking about. ~SnT~
 

Tom:   "SnT?" What, is the author snorting smack or something?
Crow:  (as Shidosha no Tenchi) I was up late writing! I needed the energy!
Mike:  Guys, it's just the author's initials! Sheesh...
 

>-----
>She ran.
 

Mike:  Hmmm, five letter word for "She ran"...
 

>That's all she could do to get as far away from Anubis as possible.
 

Tom:   (as Adaylah) Can't... stand... HIS BREATH!!
 

>Adaylah risked a glance over her shoulder, not seeing the tree root in her
>path.
 

Bots:  WATCH OUT FOR THAT....
 

>Boom.
 

Bots:  ... tree.
Mike:  (wincing) That's *gotta* hurt!
 

>She hit it, tripped and twisted her ankle.
 

All:   (imitating a muted trumpet) Wah, wah, wahhh!!
Tom:   ... where she promptly got back up, repeatedly tripped over many MORE
objects, and was finally messily devoured by flesh-eating kittens.
Crow:  Heh. Worship the comic.
 

>"Owieeeeeeee...." she whimpered, then cringed as he appeared.
 

Mike:  Look, it's everyone's favorite Egyptian god! Everybody wave!
Tom:   (singing) What if God were Anubis...
 

>"Screw you Anubis, I'm not going back!"
 

Crow:  (as Cartman) Screw you, HIPPIE!!
 

>"Wanna bet?" Anubis said softly as he reached for Adaylah's arm. "You're in
>no
>shape to run now with your ankle the way it is."
 

Tom:   (as Anubis) Now you have *no* choice but to listen to my Avon sales
pitch! BWAHAHAHAHHAAA!!!
 

>Adaylah struggled to scoot farther from his grasp. "Leave me alone! What
>does Talpa *want* with me?!"
 

Mike:  (as Anubis) He wants you to fill out his tax forms again this year!
Crow:  Overworked tax accountant... OF THE *GODS!*
 

>Anubis just rolled his eyes. "I thought I told you...he wants to train you
>to take my place if anything happens to me."
 

Tom:   (as Anubis) It's really cool, you get stuff sacrificed to you and get
to oppress Jewish people!
Mike:  Just watch out for that Passover thing...
 

>He yanked her up to her feet and glared at her.
 

Crow:  ... um, her twisted ankle, ow?
 

>"Now are you going to come quietly or am I going to have to do something a
>little more drastic?"
 

Mike:  (as Anubis) You leave me no choice but to... ASK YOU AGAIN NICELY!
BWHAHAHAA!
 

>"Like what? Break my other ankle?" Adaylah spat.
 

Tom:   Hoaaaack... SPITOOEE!!
 

>"I don't think so!" She was about to say something else when they heard a
>crackling in the surrounding bushes.
 

Crow:  Huzzah! Saved by the Burning Bush!
Mike:  Hehe, alright, that's enough of the Old Testament riffs...
 

>"Who's there?" Anubis growled.
 

Mike:  (from the bushes) Shhhh, be vewwy vewwy quiet, I'm hunting wabbits!
 

>Lowering his voice he said, "If those..."
 

Tom:   (as Anubis) ... those damn kids and that blasted dog hadn't been
here! I would've gotten away CLEAN! CLEAN, I tells ya!
 

>"Who knows?" Adaylah smirked. Then she thought, 'I wonder...'
 

All:   (singing) ... still I wonder, who'll stop the raaaaaaain!
 

>She looked around quickly and kneed Anubis in the stomach.
 

Crow:  Owie!
Mike:  Hey, that ankle healed up really good!
 

>That caused him to drop her with an "oof".
 

Tom:   Waitaminute, so Anubis was carrying her, or just pulled her to her
feet, or...?
 

>Adaylah hit the ground and attempted to scramble over behind a bush.
 

Mike:  (as George Bush, Jr.) Hey! Get out from behind me, or I'll tell my
dad! DAD!!
 

>But her ankle prevented her from moving too fast and Anubis made another
>grab at her.
 

Crow:  Dang, that ankle's a very fickle bitch!
Tom:   (as Adaylah) Hey, maybe my ankle isn't as hurt as I tho- *crunch* aw,
poopie.
 

>Suddenly Adaylah felt something grab her shoulder and pull her behind the
>tree.
 

Mike:  Ahhhhh! Old Man Willow's got her! She's a goner!
Tom:  Tom Bombadil, we need you NOW!
 

>She struggled a little but calmed down when a voice hissed in her ear.
 

Tom:   Oh, a hissing voice. That would certainly calm ME down!
Crow:  (as Gollum) My precioussssss! Gives us our friggin' birthday
presssssent!
 

>"Stay calm I won't hurt you!" She looked up into a pair of sapphire blue
>eyes and nodded.
 

Mike:  (as Adaylah) Anything you say, Mr. Sinatra!
 

>"O-okay," she said as her rescuer went after Anubis. Soon, the adrenaline
>overwhelmed her and everything went dark.
 

Crow:  (as Daffy Duck) ... and the lights went out all OVER the world!
Tom:   Wait a sec, adrenaline would pump her UP... not put her to sleep!
 

>~~~Three Hours Later~~~
 

All:   (singing) A three hour tour... a THREE HOUR TOUR!
 

>Everything was so fuzzy...so....
 

Tom:   ... gosh darn Christmasy!
 

>"Rowen!" a voice called. "She's waking up!"
 

Mike:  (as the voice) Can I still smother her with a pillow?
 

>"Thanks Sage!" said the same voice that had spoken to her in the woods.
 

Crow:  The part of Rowen will now be played by the voices in Adaylah's head.
 

>Adaylah blinked and tried to sit up, but was restrained by a pair of hands
>on her shoulders, and the familiar voice saying,
 

Tom:  (voice) "Mares eat oats and goats eat outs, but little lambs eat ivy!
Mike:  (voice) "Nipples, peanuts, happy clams!"
 

>"You're in no condition to sit up. Just relax."
 

Crow:  ... he said, slipping off her panties ever so deftly...
Mike:  Can it, Crow, this fic's rated PG.
 

>"Where's Anubis?" Adaylah whispered as she laid back down. The voice said,
>"I
>sent him back where he came from...
 

Tom:   (as Rowen) Which oddly enough, turned out to be Palm Springs!
 

>he didn't need to be chasing you."
 

Mike:  (as Rowen) Even though it looked pretty fun!
Crow:  (as Rowen) By the way, we had to totally undress you in order to
carry you back home, is that okay?
Mike:  (laughs)
 

>Adaylah muttered something. "What was that?"
 

Tom:   ... who said that?!
Crow:  (as Adaylah, praying) Lord, out of all the fanfics that are lemons,
PLEASE do not let *this* be one of them...
 

>"Yes he did," she repeated. "He's my brother."
 

Mike:  (as Adaylah) ... *and* my father! And my mother's my cousin, twice
removed!
 

>Stunned silence fell over the room and Adaylah's eyes finally focused.
 

Tom:   (as Adaylah) Um, why aren't any of you wearing any pants?
Mike:  (as Cye) Damn it, I *knew* it'd be like this having a *girl* around!
 

>"The Ronin Warriors," she breathed. "Anubis told me about you guys..."
 

Crow:  (as Adaylah) By the way, what exactly are 'dickweeds'? He uses that
word alot when talking about you...
 

>She looked over at the blue-haired young man kneeling next to the bed and
>blinked as realization set in.
 

Tom:   Eh, I smell a musical number coming on...
Mike:  Oh, *hell* no...
 

>"It was you...you were the one who got me away from him..."
 

Crow:  (as Adaylah) ... the old Jackal-nosed meanie-head!
 

>Rowen nodded. "Yeah I was," he said quietly.
 

Mike:  ... as he held up the severed head and spinal cord of her brother.
Tom:   Jeeze, that was *dark!*
 

>Then he looked at the others. "Could you excuse us for a minute?" he said.
>The other four nodded and quietly left the room, closing the door behind
>them.
 

Crow:  ... giggling like a pack of schoolgirls.
Mike:  (as Sage) Alright, man, but we want DETAILS later!
Tom:   Nudge, nudge, wink, wink!
 

>After a moment Rowen turned back to Adaylah and noticed a tear sliding down
>her cheek. Reaching up, he gently wiped it away and said,
 

Tom:   (singing) Don't cr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-ry tonight!
 

>"So what gave you the idea that I was the one who rescued you from your
>brother?"
>Adaylah smiled a little and said, "Your eyes. I'd never forget eyes that
>shade of blue..."
 

Mike:  (as Adaylah) ... and that peculiar funk that surrounds you!
 

>She then hugged him. "Thank you," she whispered.
>
>"Anytime," Rowen said, wrapping his arms around her and subconsciously
>running his fingers through her curly dark hair.
 

Crow:  ...
Mike:  The hair on her SKULL, you ecchi!
Crow:  ... oh.
 

>"You'll be okay..." he paused when he realized he didn't know her name.
 

All:   (start humming theme to 'The Lone Ranger')
 

>"I'm Adaylah," she said, voice muffled by her face buried in his shoulder.
>"You're Rowen, right?"
 

Tom:   (as Rowen) I hope so, that's what everyone calls me!
 

>"Yeah," Rowen said softly, holding her against him until her breathing
>evened out and he realized she was asleep.
 

Mike:  (snickers) Oh, *HE'S* got the magic touch.
Crow:  It's the Grand Slam Lady Killa himself... ROWEN!
 

>Then he laid her back on the bed and covered her up. He watched her sleep
>and sighed to himself.
 

Tom:   ... and burst into song.
Mike:  I said *NO* already, damnit!
 

>'She's so beautiful,' he thought to himself.
 

Crow:  Longing...
 

>'But she's the sister of a Warlord...
 

Crow:  Anger...
 

>I can't be falling for her...
 

Crow:  Denial...
 

>ah hell I'll think about it later..."
 

Crow:  ... and Acceptance.
Mike:  (laughs)
 

>He laid his head on the  edge of her pillow and held her hand until he fell
>asleep himself.
>
>~*~*~
 

Tom:   What the hell is *that?!*
Crow:  I dunno, but it's kinda cute.
 

>Rowen found himself in a park. Looking around he realized he didn't
>recognize it at all. He just shrugged and wandered around, exploring a bit.
 

Mike:  Hey, isn't this essentially how 'Zork' started out?
Tom:   ... he then found himself in front of a small, white house that had
all the windows boarded up...
 

>He walked down to the edge of the small pond.
 

Mike:  ... where he played his magic flute and caused the entrance of
Dungeon Level Seven to appear...
Bots:  (hums "Legend of Zelda" theme)
 

>When he looked towards the other side, what he saw took his breath away and
>his heart speed up.
 

Crow:  (as Rowen) OmyGod! Is that *Burt Reynolds?* ))swoon((
 

>Adaylah was standing on the other side of the pond, wearing a filmy dress
>of the same shade of blue as his Ronin armor.
 

Tom:   Filmy? You mean, she was covered by nothing but pond scum?
Mike:  I think the author meant 'flimsy'
Crow:  Either way, we can't lose! Whoo-hoo!
Mike:  (sighs)
 

>The wind was gently blowing through her mid-back length dark hair and she
>was
>kneeling in a patch of tulips.
 

Mike:  ... and fire-ants.
Tom:   (as Adaylah) OW! Damn wildlife!
 

>She looked and waved. "Rowen!" she called.
>
>Rowen blinked and found himself sitting in the tulip patch with her.
 

Crow:  (as Rowen) ... the hell? How'd I get *here?*
Tom:   He teleported! Cool!
 

>"Hi Adaylah," he said rather shyly. She smiled and handed him a tulip.
 

Mike:  ... which promptly transformed him into Fire Mario.
 

>"What's this for?" he asked. Adaylah shrugged. "I dunno," she said. "Just
>figured you might like one." Then she leaned closer to Rowen and lightly
>pressed her lips to his.
 

Tom:   Awww. How sweet!
Crow:  ... she then proceeded to disembowel him with her fingernails.
Mike:  Yikes. Satan Girl!
 

>Rowen blinked and just stared at her as she sat back.
 

Mike:  (as Rowen) Crap! She wants to do that lip-rubbing thing!
 

>"Adaylah..." he whispered. "Wh---what....?"
 

Crow:  (as Rowen) Ah, what the hell? (makes sloppy kissing noises)
Tom:   (laughs)
 

>Adaylah draped her arms over his shoulders and said, "Aww...you a little
>nervous?" With that she leaned to literally attack his mouth with hers....
 

All:   GAH!
Mike:  SHE *IS* SATAN! MAN-EATER, MAN-EATER, HEEEEELP!!!
Bots:  Redrum, redrum!
 

>~*~*~
>
>...and he woke up. He sat up and found himself back in the guest room with
>Adaylah still asleep in the bed in front of him.
 

Tom:   Whew, close one.
Mike:  Thank God for those dream sequences.
 

>"Whoa...." he said to himself as he stood up. He went downstairs to get a
>sandwich.
 

Crow:  Ah, he's on the "Dagwood Bumstead" coping system.
Tom:   (as Rowen, eating a sandwich) *chomp, slurp* Now, what was that dream
about, again? *belch*
 

>"Hey Rowen, how is she?" Cye asked.
 

Tom:   (as Rowen) *chomp, slurp* Delicious!
Mike:  (laugh)
 

>"She's sleeping," Rowen said, rubbing the back of his neck. "Can I have a
>couple of sandwiches?"
 

Crow:  (as Rowen) Oh, and I'll need all the honey and whip cream we've
got...
Mike:  Crow...
 

>"Turning into me, are ya?" Kento teased. Rowen rolled his eyes. "No...one's
>for me and one's for Adaylah."
>
>"That's her name huh?" Ryo said from the table. Rowen nodded and watched
>Cye
>get the sandwich stuff out of the refrigerator.
 

Tom:   Be amazed, as they... make sandwiches.
Crow:  Aw, come on, they can't be fighting Warlords *all* the time, can
they?
 

>Then he made a couple of ham sandwiches and took a bite out of one as he
>went upstairs.
>
>"Adaylah?" he called softly, pushing the door open with his foot. "I
>brought--" He looked in and stopped dead in his tracks.
 

Mike:  (makes sounds of screeching brakes) Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrk!
 

>She was gone.
 

All:   (imitate sound of muted trumpet) Wah, wah, waaah!
 

>"Adaylah?" he said softly, walking in and looking around. "Not a sign of
>her anywhere. "Oh no..." he whispered as he sat down at the desk.
 

Crow:  (as Rowen) Damn it! I forgot all about my term paper, and it's due
TOMORROW!
 

>Then he stood up and walked out of the room and sat down on the stairs.
 

Tom:   (as Rowen) Well, I've done all I can here! *chomp, chew, swallow*
 

>"What's wrong?" Sage asked.
>
>"Adaylah....she's gone," Rowen said softly.
>
>"How?!"
 

Mike:  By running, most likely.
Crow:  (snickers)
 

>"I don't know..." Rowen said. "If Anubis had shown up, she would have
>probably
>screamed for me or something....so I know she left by herself..."
 

Tom:   (as Rowen) I dunno, I suppose I could go chase her, or something,
but... heh, I'm eating...
 

>He took a bite out of his sandwich and went back upstairs to check
>something.
 

Tom:   (as Rowen) Did I leave that other sandwich up here? Not like SHE'S
gonna eat it!
 

>He found a piece of folded notebook paper on the pillow with his name on it
>in flowing purple letters.
 

Mike:  Awww, she left him a death threat! It must be love!
 

>He opened it and scanned it.
 

Crow:  ... it contained no viruses.
Mike:  (reading letter) we haVE tHe GIrL. wE wANt $5,000,000 in pENNies or
WE senD yOu hEr EAr...
Tom:   (reading letter) ... this message will self destru- *KABOOM!*
 

>Dear Rowen,
>I had to leave. As long as you guys are fighting the Dynasty, I'll just be
>more trouble than it's worth.
 

Tom:   Hmmmm, just as an aside, Adaylah, did it ever occur to you to DEFECT
TO THE GOOD GUYS' SIDE?!!
Crow:  Whoa! Servo!
 

>I left you something on the pillow.
 

Crow:  Oh, it's her retainer! How thoughtful!
Mike:  (as Rowen) It still has her saliva in it! SCORE!
 

>I will return Rowen...I promise.
>
>Love, Adaylah
>
>Rowen looked at the pillow as a flash of light caught his eye.
 

Mike:  (as Rowen) Wow! She left me a decoder ring, keen-o!
 

>He reached down and picked up a butterfly cut from a single diamond. It was
>about the size of a extra large soda bottle lid and glittered when he
>turned it over in his hand.
 

Tom:   Neat! A 'Crackerjack' prize!
 

>He then looked up to see the window had been opened. "She went through the
>window," he said to himself as he turned to leave.
 

Mike:  Yeah, brilliant deduction there, Sherlock...
 

>When he reached the door he turned back and whispered, "I'm counting on you
>coming back Adaylah..."
 

Tom:   (as Rowen) ... because I made you a sandwich, do you hear me?! A
SAAAAAAAAANDDDDDWIIIIIIIICCCCHHH!!
Mike:  And remember, Rowen just isn't Rowen without the tangy taste o'
Miracle Whip. (picks up Servo)
 

>~end~
 

[1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Bridge]

 "Okay, okay, let's try this again..." Mike grabbed the viewer and again
tuned into the Nanite World, as Crow and Servo looked on. "Come in,
Nanites!" he hailed.
 Ned the Nanite's voice crackled. *"Speaking! Oh, hello again Mr. Bealson!"*
 "Nel- never mind. Did you get that theme park or whatever out of my system
yet?"
 *"Heh. Funny you should mention that! We got 'Meaty Land' dismantled, but
there's been... a new wrinkle."*
 Tom whispered to Crow: "Meaty Land?" Crow chuckled.
 "What kind of wrinkle, Ned?" Mike asked.
 *"Seems a bunch of drones down there malfunctioned when they were caught in
some weird fluid that contained concentrated caffeine and carrot juice. We
haven't gotten the full reports yet, but it seems these rogues have settled
down in your system and refuse to leave. Can we use our beam weapons to
rouse them out?"*
 "Uh..." Mike sweated suddenly realizing the ramifications of his own
'Rocket Recovery' drink. "I don't..."
 "Sure, Mike!" Crow said cheerfully. "Don't let some atomic-sized robots
push you around! I say scorched earth policy all the way!"
 "Yeah! Don't let those little rascals run wild!" Tom put in. "Today your
gallbladder, tomorrow the LIVER! And the day after that... THE WORLD!"
 "No, no, there'll be none of that. Say, Ned, could you patch me through to
their leader, by any chance?"
 *"You mean settle this using peace talks? What kind of weirdo, are you?
Well, if you insist, I'll patch you right through..."*
 "Thanks..."

[Mike's Circulatory System]

 A grizzled Nanite tottered into view of the magnifier, a Nanite with a tiny
coon-skin cap upon his head. Instead of the circuitry of the usual Nanite
World, blood cells are rustling about like a herd of cattle. The Nanite
spoke in a rustic twang: "Whoa! Who are y'all, and what do ya want with the
likes of Jebediah Nanite?"
 *"I'm Mike Nelson, and I happen to be the guy, uh, you're living in?"*
 "Nelson? That's a right purty name..."
 *"I like you already, Jeb'. Say, is there any chance you guys could settle
somewhere that's a little less... me?"*
 "Golly, son, I didn't know someone owned this great and fertile land! When
I came here so many days ago, it was wild and untamed- now I've built it up
into the finest Blood Ranch this side of the arteries! Especially seein' how
I came here from the Old Country." Jebediah made the sound of a clicking
tongue. "Those were tough times, bein' a drone and all. Then came this
torrent of rain from the heavens, and WOOOWEEE! What a kick it had! I hadn't
felt so free since the Borg Collective collapsed! But if this land was
already taken, I guess all 5,068,721,430 of us can pull up stakes and return
to the cruel regime of the Mother Land..."

[Satellite of Love Bridge]

 Mike blinked. He had to think about that for a moment.
 "Oh, way to go, man! You crushed their little pioneer spirit!"  Tom
complained.
 "Yeah. Leave it to Mike, to destroy a tiny democracy in action." Crow said,
sarcasm dripping in his voice.
 "Actually, Jebediah... Mike began. "... you don't *have* to leave on my
account..."
 "Huh?!" Tom and Crow exclaimed in unison.
 Mike looked away from the viewer and shrugged at the shocked duo. He then
peered back into the magnifier.

[Mike's Body]

 Jebediah seemed excited. "Gosh, sonny, do you mean it? Me and my kinfolk
can stay and live in this little slice o' Eden?"
 *"Sure, why not? You seem like decent enough people."*
 "Well, thankee kindly! Sonny, if you ever need a favor you just ask ol'
Jeb!"
 *"Hmmmm... there's the matter of the third leg I'm not supposed to have...
could you fix it and keep that sort of thing to a minimum?"* Mike asked
hopefully.
 "WOOOOOWEEEEE!! You gotta deal, boy!"

[Satellite of Love Bridge]

 *POP!* as Mike's third leg suddenly fell from his body, pant leg and all.
 Mike suddenly stooped over, in shock and incredibly intense pain, his voice
stuttering various tones of hurting. "Eeeeerk! Ehhh, arrrgh.... ich! Mpph!
neeeak..."
 "Wow, now Mike has his very own civilization living inside of him! Neat!"
Crow exclaimed.
 "Huh! Lucky guy! I wish *I* had one... unless you, heh, count the time I
leased my head out as an ant farm..." Tom mused. "Man, what an ordeal that
turned out to be! Oh Pearl-licious is calling! Who saw THAT one coming?"
 "YEEEARRRRRRRRRRGH!!" Mike finally screamed.

[Castle Forrester]

 "Oh, suck it up Nelson, 'Diamond Butterfly' wasn't THAT bad..." Pearl
began. She was interrupted by a visibly distraught Observer.
 "Madam... if you please listen!" The omniscient one began, already fearing
the woman's wrath.
 Pearl rolled her eyes towards the Brain Guy, and sigh contemptuously. "Oh,
not THAT again, pasty-face..."
 The Observer was adamant. "Pearl, these are matters that concern not just
us, but the entire universe! No matter how complicated it sounds, you must
believe me!"
 "Yeah, whatever." Pearl jerked a thumb in the Observer's direction. "Jojo
the Albino Boy here thinks going through that wormhole a while back somehow
caused a split conta... conta... how did that go again?"
 "Continuity!"
 "Right, our continuity is altered somehow, and our destinies are forever
altered or something."
 The Observer nodded. "Simply put, Madam, this is a reality that was never
meant to be! Our destinies, as they were meant for us, have become
unpredictable... Now, I am in faint mental contact with my counterpart in
the 'real' universe, and he and I believe it will be easy enough to rejoin
and merge with that reality so long as I can maintain my concentration and
don't break the li-"
 "I.... LOVE A PARADE!" *CLANG**CLANG**CLANG* as Bobo marched in with two
cymbals smashing together. He was wearing the same 'wind-up monkey' outfit
from the last episode.
 "... dang. Other me, come in! Other me, please come in... dang!" the
Observer muttered as he furtively wave his hand over the top of his brain
pan, as if trying to get better reception. He looked up. "Ah, Madam,
remember all that I was just saying? Forget it."
 "Already done, BG." replied Pearl, as she picked up a couple of baseball
bats. "Guess I didn't hit Bobo in the head hard enough last time." As the
Observer gleefully rushed off after Bobo, Pearl turned back to the
Hexscreen. "Oh, and about this 'altered universe' stuff Nelson... don't
worry about it. I'll make sure I'll keep the hurting on you no matter WHAT
the future has in store for us." With a wicked grin and a snappy salute,
Pearl rushed off to join the chase.

[Meanwhile, elsewhere on Earth]

 The pretty scientist glanced up to her giant monitor, a smile playing on
her lips. Her sensors had detected SOMETHING up there, but she wasn't sure
what. And the fact that those very powerful sensors could be trumped only
piqued the curiosity of the matter. She did had a suspicion...
 The smile grew into an honest grin. If she was right, and it was what she
THOUGHT it was... it very well could be the find of this century.
 All in the day's work for the Greatest Mind in the Galaxy.

[Fade to Black]
 

Jack Acid rambles:

A bit of a departure from the norm this episode. Of the three MSTed here,
the spam and "Diamond Butterfly" are completely new material. While I still
have
three episodes to 're-release', I didn't want to fall into a rut and
"Waiting" seemed too short to MST by itself. (I try to make an MSTing as
much as watching a real episode of the show, which is why I call mine
'episodes' and write them with the 'two hour' time frame in mind. I still
split them up into smaller chunks for posting purposes)
 You'll also notice I'm setting up to break away from canon MST3k. When I
lost my cable provider a while back, I also lost the Scifi Channel - Episode
1001: "Soultaker" (the one where Joel made a cameo) was the last one I have
seen. So with the feeling that I was now on my own, I began writing another
character into my cast experiment. Recently, I have managed to have someone
tape the show for me in order to collect as many episodes before the show
goes out of syndication on SciFi (grumble)- but because I grew to enjoy
having the character in the cast, and the fact that they added a lot to my
MSTings, I decided to keep them in! Despite this change of pace, I remain
dedicated to keeping Mystery Science Theater 3001 as true to the 'feel' of
MST3k as possible, and above all funny!
 Tune in next episode as the identity of the Mystery Scientist Woman is
revealed (most of you have already figured out who that character is,
anyway!) and something that was completely unexpected: Pearl sends Mike
another bad movie. Until then, At your Service! ^_^

Special Thanks to:

Megane 6.7, for getting me on this MSTing kick, and teaching me all I needed
to know about MSTing.  His webpage: http://www.nabiki.com/mst

Zoogz, my webmaster and all-around swell guy, who also has his MSTings at
the above address. But if you found THIS MSTing already, you've already
found his and Megane's, right? ^_-

Himitsu, for her always valued C&C.

Sluggy Freelance. www.sluggy.com  Worship the Comic.

The good folk at #EcchiFanGirls, found at www.sorcery.net, who are the
source of some of my inspiration. Even if they *are* perverts!

Haloflux, who is the best kitty-girl-shade-thief-mage-vampire I know!

Website #9's guidelines to Usenet MSTings. It came in handy...

Best Brains, for screwing up my childhood (but in a good way) from age
eleven up to today, at twenty one. May the way of the Hero lead to the
Triforce.
 

After all, Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters
and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc.
All rights reserved, I wouldn't have it any other way!
Use here is for entertainment purposes only and no violation of
copyright is intended or should be inferred, so help me God.

Keep Circulating the Posts...
 

>I'm lying here. Waiting.
 

Tom:   We're sitting here. Bored.
Mike:  (laughs)