MST3001 Ep. 3009: "Alien Nation"

Mystery Science Theater 3001
Episode 3009: "Alien-Nation"
MSTed by the Placid Jack Acid

In the not-too-distant future,
Somewhere up overhead:
Mike Nelson beats all the odds,
Because he isn't dead.
Pursued by a woman, whose name is Pearl,
A twisted, sadistic, sort of girl,
She's mad Mike's mind isn't whacked,
So she decided to try a different tact!

Pearl: I'LL... GET... *YOU*!!!

"I'll send him lousy web posts,
The worst he's ever seen!
He'll have to sit and read them all,
And keep his comments clean!"

Now keep in mind, Mike has to read,
Whatever Pearl sends;
He'll try to keep his sanity,
With the help of his robot friends!

>> Robot Roll Call <<

Cambot! (Set stage!)
Gypsy! (Act one!)
Tom Servo (Raise curtain!)
Crooow! (Oh, are we on?)

If you're wondering why Mike *has* to read,
And other useless facts,
Just repeat to yourself 'it's just a post,
I should really just relax!'

Mike: Did I mention Washu's here?
Washu: (flashes peace sign)

For...

Mystery Science Theater Three Thousand! (and one!)

The article MSTed within is copyrighted to... ALIENS!
Heh. Just kidding. The posts belong to the original authors, and are
MSTed without permission.
Any random mention of characters, songs, movies, and the like belong to
their respective owners. All rights reserved.

[1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Bridge]

"Good morning, Wash'."
"Good morning, Mike-san! Please, call me 'Little Washu'!"
Mike Nelson grimaced as he cracked his lower back. "I'll try to keep
that in mind."
Washu blinked. "You look pretty, well... beat! I really wish you'd let
me sleep out here on the bridge like you are, instead of INSISTING that
I use your room..." She closed one eye and smiled at Mike, cutely.
"It's almost as if you were acting chivalrous towards me or something!"
"Ah, don't mention it. I didn't care because, frankly, everyone who's
managed to visit here only stays for a couple of days at a stretch."
Mike rubbed the back of his scalp. "But, it looks like Pearl has designs
on you being here for a bit longer than that."
"Hmmph! Not if *I* can help it!" There was no love lost between the
two mad scientists, of that Washu made clear. "But, you're right. It
probably WILL take more than a few days for me to find away down from here,
without my usual fancy equipment and all." She shrugged. "And I don't
want to inconvenience you anymore than I have..."
Mike began. "Well, there has to be another arrangement we can-"
"Morning, o Meaty Ones!" Tom Servo popped up, wearing a little
nightcap. "Washu, you look great today!" (at this Washu beamed a kawaii little
smile at the robot) "and Mike! You look... well... Mike! Howyadoin'?"
"Been better, comrade." Mike again grimaced as he gave his spine
another loud pop.
"Ah, another lonely night out on the bridge. Cold, steel decking
against your back, propping your head against the console at an unnatural
angle... gotta hand it to you, Mike, you gots guts." Tom recoiled at the
sound of another crack. "Maybe a slipped disc too, by the sound of it."
"Hey, HEY!" Crow walked on to the bridge, the spirit of cheerfulness
about him. "Got my full eight and I'm feeling GREAT! Y'know, I never
really appreciated how nice it is to have my very own room! Just think, I
have a place where I can just wander in, sit down, and take a nap in a
comfortable environment! Isn't that neat?"
Boy, could they be any more *obvious* at being cruel? Washu thought,
sweat-dropping.
"Hey, Tom, Crow. Glad your both here, actually. It seem that Washu
might be up on the SoL longer than we thought at first, so we're going to
have to do something a little... different."
"Oh?" Tom sounded puzzled. "You're finally going to convert the
bridge into a guest bedroom?"
Mike grinned evilly. "Not... exactly."
Crow and Tom both exchanged glances. If they were capable of it,
they'd most likely would have been looks of worry...

[Fade out]
(Theme to 'The Odd Couple' begins)
[Fade into exterior of Crow's Room]

Voiceover: 'A few days after the arrival of Washu Hakubi, Crow T. Robot
found himself out in the cold hallways of the Satellite of Love...'

[The door opens and Crow noisily thrown out of his room, after an
apparent struggle on his part]

Crow: GAH! M-I-I-I-I-I-KE! <<!!CRASH!!>>

Mike: (pokes his head out into the hall) Sorry, Crow...

Crow: Mike! C'mon! She can sleep in the damn bathtub! Or with Gypsy!

Mike: Uh, no...

Voiceover: 'Having been unable to negotiate with Mike Nelson, Crow
decided to turn to his close friend and sycophant, Tom Servo, for his
charity'

[Exterior of Tom Servo's Room. Crow is standing in front of the door]

Crow: (knocking on the door) Um, Servo? You home?

Tom: (from inside) Go away, Crow, I'm not here. This is a recording,
thank you come again...

Crow: So, does this mean I can keep your new issue of 'AnimeNation'?

Tom: (opens the door) It's here?! Alrig-- d'oh!

Crow: Heh, heh, smoked ya!

Tom: This had better be news about Washu leaving the SoL,
bulbous-beak.

Crow: Sadly, no. But, look, I brought an overnight bag!

Tom: (grumbling) Yeah, yeah... how long until the rest of your crap
gets mixed into my stuff?

Crow: Well, I got the Nanites scheduled to do it in about-- (brief
sound of Nanites at work) -- now. Can I get the top bunk?

Tom: (looking back into the room) ... the hell? There isn't any top
bunk!

Crow: Well-- (brief sound of Nanites at work) --there is now!

Tom: D'OH! Why am I *always* one step behind the wise-ass...?

Voiceover: Can two opposite personalities ever learn to cope? Learn to
survive? Learn to love? Let's hope not, because it sure is
entertaining! Because, they're the 'Bot Couple'!

[Fade out]
(Theme music ends)
[Fade back into Washu's new room]

Mike dusted his hands off. "Well, there you go, Ms. Washu! It's not
much, but at least it's yours for as long as you'd like it."
"Why, thank you, Mike! And please... it's Little Washu!" Washu was
already eyeing places to put her equipment. "This will do quite nicely.
Would you mind helping me move in?"
"Not at all."
It took very little time to move the scientist belongings from their
boxes in Mike's room to where she fancied them in her new place. They'd
not finished long and were kicking back on the bridge, when the usual
call came from the planet's surface.
"Bleck. Super Secret, Secret Pearl's calling." Mike tapped the
flashing red light.

[Exterior Castle Forrester. Before the scene moves inside, you notice
one of the turrets is badly damaged.]

"Well, if it isn't Penny and Morocco Mike. All ready for another
helping of internet leftovers, I trust." Pearl grinned. "Today's should be
old hat to you, Nelson, but the red-head's more or less a newbie, and
you know what they say about newbies."
"That they stay crispy in milk, lawgiver?" Professor Bobo offered
helpfully.
"Did I just hear something? No, guess not. The experiment for today is
not one but THREE conspiracy postings, all having something to do with
mind control or aliens. Now, just to get this out of the way, no
butterflies or artichokes appear during the course of these posts. But you
all are welcome to 'choke' at any time you wish! Brain-boy?"

[SoL Bridge]

"Artichokes? Butterflies? You lost me." Washu said.
"I'll explain- WE GOT LOONY SIIIIIIGN! Now, in the beginning there was
Ron Patton..." explained Mike as the two ran through the theater doors.
Tom chased Crow into the theater as the bridge shook around them.
"Damn you, Crow! *I* want the top buuuuuuuuunk!"

[6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Theater]

Mike: ... and all that ends up with the Nazis using Snow White and the
Seven Dwarves for mind altering purposes.
Washu: You... don't say.
(They sit. From left to right, the order is Washu, Tom, Mike, and Crow)

>Path:
szdc!super.zippo.com!zdc!www.nntp.primenet.com!nntp.primenet.com!cpk-
>news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!news.bbnplanet.com!su-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!news.
>pbi.net!samba.rahul.net!rahul.net!a2i!viper.inow.com!not-for-mail

Washu: ... or anything else for that matter.

>From: rkrouse@inow.com (robert)
>Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors,alt.paranet.ufo,alt.fan.art-
>bell,talk.religion.newage,alt.conspiracy
>Subject: Attention Lightworkers: Mass Landings Information

Mike: Attention K-mart shoppers, we have a blue lightworkers special!

>Date: Tue, 12 Nov 1996 02:05:15 GMT
>Organization: INOW Internet Services
>Lines: 91

Crow: Thank God, it's short.
Tom: That's what they *want* you think...

>Message-ID: <3287dac1.10432818@news.inow.com>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: du54.inow.com
>X-Newsreader: Forte Free Agent 1.1/32.230

Mike: Free because he has a *lot* time on his hands.
Crow: Oh, *yeah*!

>Xref: szdc alt.alien.visitors:48707 alt.paranet.ufo:34022 alt.fan.art-bell:
>17129 talk.religion.newage:17059 alt.conspiracy:81263
>Status: N

Washu: We have condition N! All hands prepare to fall asleep!

>Mass Landings Information

Tom: A funny new sitcom from your friends at the Sci-Fi Channel.

>Excerpts from Sheldon Nidle Lecture Series #6

Mike: They're still trying to decipher parts one through five.
Crow: This was formerly titled, "Things I saw when I was Tripping".

>===============
>The mass landings are now set to occur during a thirty eight day
>window that will last from November 10, till December 17, 1996

Washu: Oh! So it's our *old* future.
Crow: Uh... so where are they now? Pluto?
Tom: That's what they *want* you think...

>(8 Cauca, 7 Xul, 5 Eb till 6 Cib, 4 Mol, 5 Eb)

Mike: ... the hell?
Washu: Must be in some sort of code...
Tom: (decoding) You-have-too-much-time-on-your-hands... Hey!

>The time frame became possible when the US military finally agreed to
>honor the Federation edicts on 10/26/96.

Tom: Captain Picard was quite insistent.
Crow: He had phasers on "deep fat fry".

>(8 Cimi, 14 Tzec, 5 Eb)
>
>Ships in the landing fleet will take landing orders from the Sirian command
>ship.

Crow: (as a Sirian) No! We don't want to!

> The order to start the landings will come from the Archangel in charge -
>Lord Zandriel.

Washu: Hey! My old college roommate!
Mike: He's done pretty well for himself, hasn't he?

>When the initial calming music is played,

Crow: Oh no, they're gonna built a giant elevator around Earth and
MUZAK us to death!

> There will be a simultaneous display of crossed shooting stars in the
>heavens(where it is dark enough to see it).

Washu: Meteorites not available in all areas.
Tom: Shooting Stars and Alien Invasion each sold separately.
Mike: Collect them all! For a limited time only!

>Additionally one's Guardian Angels will appear in your minds to reassure
>you of what is about to happen.

Crow: (as an angel) NOBODY PANIC! OR WE *WILL* KILL YOU!!

>Lightworkers will be asked to aid the personnel establishing the new
>Governing Council in the first week.

Tom: Their first major undertaking will be the deficit.
Washu: Followed by removal of the entire cast of 'Fear Factor'...

> Lord Zandriel will appoint a special committee of Lightworkers that will be
>given full consciousness and be used as official liaisons between the
>Governing Council and Earth's humans population.

Mike: They shall be known as 'Limp Bizkit'.
Washu: Better that than 'ICP'.

>All Lightworks will be specially trained to work with counselors, technicians,
>and scientists in creating your new galactic society.

Crow: Building a better, cleaner running Milky Way!

>The technicians, counselors, and scientists from our fleets will prepare your
>planet and its population for the photon belt's arrival.

Tom: ... by destroying all the things they don't like!
Mike: Can't invade a messy planet, I guess.

>The photon belt will arrive on Dec. 31, 1996 (7 Oc, 18 Mol, 5 Eb) as
>scheduled.

Washu: Broadcasting times are obviously subject to change.

>The impact of the belt will also be lessened by

Tom: ... the state of West Virginia.
Crow: Or Canada. Either one of them is expendable!
Mike: Hey, be nice...

>the fact that all Earth humans will move into full consciousness in the first
>9 minutes after exposure to the initial bright light of the belt.

Mike: ... just in time for their skin to totally burn off.
Washu: Certainly to the surprise of all of Earth's puny mammals.

>Hale-Bopp is not a comet but a large space ship that is carrying some 10,000
>non human ambassadors and/or colonists.

Tom: Oh, they're Packers fans.
Mike: PACKERS!! WHOOOOO!!!

>It represents the final element in a special treaty that ended the great galactic
>wars. Its arrival is May 5, 1997 (2 Men, 3 Muan, 5 Eb).

Crow: Man, those Heaven Gate people just missed the bus, didn't they?

>The colony will be established in the area near the present Alice Springs,
>Northern Territory, Australia and just south of Ayers Rock.

Mike: Or New York City. Either way, no one would really notice.

>The colonist will not be a part of the our Governing Council, but only quite
>interested observers.

Tom: Think the Brain Guy would be interested?
Crow: Sounds like it's right up his alley.

>We are in the midst of a great change in the paradigm that now interprets our
>reality.

Washu: They're going to kill George Will?
Mike: I thought CNN had cornered the market on interpreting reality.

>Our solar system and this planet are about to receive a great and most needed
>Divine intervention that will take us into a golden age.

Mike: (as author) ... or possibly a massive invasion designed to
enslave us ALL! Haven't finished decoding all of this here paper work...

>Know and understand the needed protocols and procedure for the mass landing.

Tom: Know that there are emergency exits on either side of the plane.
Washu: Thank you, and enjoy the flight.

>For more information contact:

Crow: ... someone who cares!

>The Ground Crew Project
>614 Ahwahnee Court
>Walnut Creek, CA 94596 USA

Mike: We put the 'nut' back into 'Walnut Creek'.

>Phone/Fax (510)256-7869
>
>Center of Attention

Tom: ... bordering on the State of Confusion.

>2221 Bowers Ave.
>Santa Clara, CA 95051 USA
>Phone/Fax (408)241-7981

Washu: ... and ask for "Louie".
Mike: Don't call us, and we won't call you...
All: (get up to leave)

>Path:

Tom: Doh!
Washu: The fun's not over yet.
All: (sit back down)

> szdc!super.zippo.com!zdc!www.nntp.primenet.com!nntp.primenet.com!
>news.bbnplanet.com!cpk-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!newsfeed.internetmci.com!
>in3.uu.net!news.accessone.com!news
>From: shckhd@accessone.com (Allen Drugge)

All: (laugh)
Crow: No freaking way!

>Newsgroups: alt.mindcontrol,alt.conspiracy

Mike: Remember, conspiracists are our friends!
Tom: Yeah, just like the *IRS* is our friend...

>Subject: Electronic Telepathy (ET)
>Date: 11 Nov 96 08:42:26 +0500
>Organization: AccessOne

Crow: Ah, you can access this one right here! (raises fist)
Mike: Crow, stay frosty.

>Lines: 72
>Message-ID: <3701.6889T522T1315@accessone.com>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: annex4-61.accessone.com
>X-Newsreader: THOR 2.31 (Amiga;TCP/IP)
>Xref: szdc alt.mindcontrol:9122 alt.conspiracy:81150
>Status: N

Tom:   Freestyle, everyone! And, go!
Mike: 'N' is for 'nimrod'?
Washu: 'Nutcase'?
Crow: 'Never-never-land'?
Tom:   'Next stop, loony bin'!
Mike: 'No idea what's goin' on'?
Washu: 'Nearly coherent'?
Crow: 'Needs salt'!
Tom:   And, stop! Thank you for playing our game!

> Electronic Telepathy
>
> One of the more recent tools of oppression

Washu: ... basic cable...

>to have made its emergence in the evolving techno-nightmare scenario is

Mike: ... Windows XP.

>Electronic Telepathy or "ET"

Tom: Oh, let's not bring Spielberg into this!

>1. It is no longer necessary to have electrodes attached to monitor a
>persons brain wave activity, it can be done remotely.

Crow: But, they lost the remote in the couch, so the invasion was a
complete failure!

>2. Computer encoding has broken down the signals so they can now output
>what it is a person is thinking.

Washu: So, what am I thinking, Mike?
Mike: Uh... that this post is crap?
Washu: Hai! Uncanny!

>3. A persons subconscious life can be overridden by externally induced
>dreams.
>
> The implications here are of course staggering

Crow: Oh, of course.
Tom: ... or, not.

> and totally turn conventional attitudes toward what is normally perceived as
>'reality' and 'personal' into mockeries.

Mike: Like the author, for instance!
Crow: (dramatic) Reality's back and this time it's PERSONAL...

> It is now possible to override a persons sub-conscious life by projecting
>prerecorded dreams as well as invade the privacy of their thoughts and feed
>them back in associative fashion via commercials cued thru computer over
>ordinary communication channels and indeed that's what's being done.

Tom: (as the author) ... because, and just because, I *said* so.
Washu: Please, using thought control is *so* old hat. I used to do that
sort of thing all the time, back in the day.
Mike: Oh?
Washu: Remember 'T.J. Hooker'? There is no such show. I only make
people *think* there is.
Mike: No kidding!

> The media are in collusion with this up to their eye balls. It's not
>just for entertainment anymore.

Mike: We're playing for *all* the marbles now, kiddies.

> This very scenario has been an operative reality for over 25 years
>and used to 'destabilize/mindrape' selected individuals within this
>country.

Crow: We *know* that Hollywood is in league with Satan, already! NEXT!

> The pop culture has not been ignorant of this new reality and
>accordingly has incorporated elements of it into the 'collective psyche.'

Tom: Also known as a 'Financial Opportunity'...

> Movies such as "Foxfire", "Brainstorm", "The Golden Child", "Steel
>Justice", "Desert Passion", "The Sorcerers" ,"Total Recall",

Washu: What was that movie about, again?
Mike: I... I don't remember!

>"Hellraiser III:", "Casino Royale", "Making Mr. Right", "Total Recall",
>"Megaville", "No Escape", "In the belly of the Dragon" and MTV's
>"Dead @ 21" all draw on elements of Electronic Telepathy.

Mike: Ah. And it was *so* obvious, too...
Tom: Hellrasiers I and II were deemed just not subliminal enough!

> There are many others.

Crow: Naturally.

> Reference to "ET" can be found in tunes like: "Welcome to the Machine",
>"The Dream Police", "Thinking around corners", "West of the Fields",
>"Kiss me when I get back."

Washu: (giggles, then kisses Servo) Make a wish!
Tom: Too late, it already came true! Hehehe!
Mike: (groans)

> The marriage of Science and Voodoo, in pursuit of the Clerical agenda, has
>spawned a psychopathic covert, extra-legal industry who's only function is to
>promolgate madness and chaos.

Crow: This is known as 'Apple Computers'...
Washu: Forget Bill Gates! Steve Jobs *will* rule this planet!

> There are thousands of these ET dreams in the can as of right now,

Mike: (snickers) Oh, so *that's* where they all are!
Tom: Hold off the brainwashing, the dreams might be in there awhile!
Crow: America's 'bathroom humor', finally explained.

> ranging from the erotic to the horrific; a great number are benign or even
>pleasant--but all are abominations as they subvert the natural unconscious life
>of the individual and present serious psychological challenges.

Washu: So, if this being the case, how did *this* guy find out about
it?
Tom: Oh, it came to him in a dream...
Crow: (laughs)

> In the worst case scenario individuals can be put under with microwave for
>almost indefinite periods of time while the psyche is raped by "ET" dreams.

Crow: ... and remember to adjust for higher elevations!
Tom: Conclusion, standing to close to yourself while you are dreaming
is hazardous to your health!

>The "Virtual Reality Nightmare" scenerio is an actual reality.

Mike: (as the author) You know, like Santa Claus and the Easter
Bunny...

> This disclosure doesn't take into account the possible use of brain
>implants (the cyborg protocol), subliminal messaging nor negative
>feedback in conjunction with microwave verisimilitudes.

Washu: ... translated, he didn't think about that until the last
minute.
Crow: Hey! He's making most of those words up as he goes!

> Recognition of this technology and the abuses of it is the first step towards
>any supposedly 'free people's' taking charge of their 'own' destinies--failure to
>do so is enslavement.

Tom: So, does this mean the author is supposedly 'free'?
Mike: See, the same organization that's taking over our minds still
managed to miss *this* bozo.
Crow: My confidence in free will is pretty much unshaken after reading
this.

> Burying your head in the sand will not make it go away.
>
> "Scrap the SQUID"

Washu: These are words to live by...
Mike: Washu, let it be.
Tom: You know, this is the first thing in the post that I understand.
Crow: 'Burying your head in the sand...?' Yeah, that was good.
Tom: Eh? No, I meant the 'Scrap the Squid' part...

>+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>'PlanetC' BBS
>One of America's       45,000+ files online         Remember:
>unknown political         (206) 343-0827            J = RAY
>prisoners          shckhd@planetc.hughestech.com

Mike: You can call me Jay, you can call me Ray...
Crow: Just don't call me late to dinner!

>"Microwave--the breakfast of champion"

Washu: Brought to you by idiot.
Mike: Two down, one more to go.

>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Alien Abduction Information

Tom: For more information on how to get abducted, write...

>Author ?

Crow: In the tradition of Racer X and Agent Q... Author '?'

>-- Aliens can be present with us in an invisible state and can make
>themselves only partially visible.

Washu: (as Velma) Jinkies! A ghost!
Mike: (as Shaggy) ZOINKS! Scoob'!

>-- Abductees receive marks on their bodies other than the well-known
>scoops and straight-line scars.

Crow: (singing) I've seen the needle and the damage done...

>These other marks include single punctures, multiple punctures, large bruises,
>three- and four-fingered claw marks, and triangles of every possible sort.

Mike: (Irish brogue) Pink hearts, green clovers, purple horseshoes...

>-- Females abductees often suffer serious gynecological problems after their
>alien encounters, and sometimes these problems lead to cysts, tumors, cancer
>of the breasts and uterus, and to hysterectomies.

Tom: Not to mention intense PMS.
Washu: Hey, Tom, want to see how it feels to bleed from YOUR crotch?
Mike: Don't go there, you two.

>-- Aliens take body fluids from our necks, spines, blood veins, joints such as
>knees and wrists, and other places.

Crow: The secret ingredient in Coca-Cola finally revealed!

> They also inject unknown fluids into various parts of our bodies.

Washu: (as an alien) Let's fill this one with silly putty, just for
laughs!

>-- A surprising number of abductees suffer from serious illnesses they didn't
>have before their encounters.

Mike: Another surprising number of abductees suffered from serious
*hangovers* after their alleged encounters.

>These have led to surgery, debilitation, and even death from causes the doctors
>can't identify.

Tom: (as a doctor) Dag gum, ANOTHER one that's had something burst
violently from their chests... must be some sort of Asian flu...

>-- Some abductees experience a degeneration of their mental, social, and spiritual
>well-being.

Washu: ... mostly because everyone else keeps pointing and laughing at
them.

>Excessive behavior frequently erupts, such as drug abuse, alcoholism,
>overeating, and promiscuity.

Crow: You just described Mike's entire family.
Mike: Hey!
Crow: Well, I *did* live with them for seven years.
Mike: Granted...

>Strange obsessions develop and cause the disruption of normal life and the
>destruction of personal relationships.

Washu: (as a wife) You love that lava lamp more than you love me!!
Tom: (as her husband) I can't help it... I just think it's neat!

>-- Aliens show a great interest in adult sexuality, child sexuality, and in
>inflicting physical pain on abductees.

Mike: In other words, Robert Tsuami and LinLin are aliens.
Crow: Aw, we knew that all along!

>-- Abductees recall being instructed and trained by aliens.

Tom: (as an alien) Bad human! DO IT ON THE NEWSPAPERS!

>This training may be in the form of verbal or telepathic lessons, slide shows,

All: (snicker)
Washu: PowerPoint presentations...

>or actual hands-on instruction in the operation of alien technology.

Crow: (as abductee) Now, what did you call this again?
Mike: (as an alien) Well, we call that 'The Clapper'
Crow: (as abductee) *clap, clap* COOL!!

>-- Abductees report being taken to facilities in which they encounter
>not only aliens but also normal-looking humans, sometimes in military
>uniforms, working with the alien captors.

Tom: Aliens and humans working together! Isn't it just so
*Christmas*?

>-- Abductees often encounter more than one sort of alien during an
>experience, not just the grays.

Mike: (Irish brogue) Aliens. Taste the Rainbow.
Crow: Those damn Confederates will never learn!

>Every possible combination of gray, reptoid, insectoid, blond, and widow's
>peak have been seen during single abductions,

Washu: Alongside the comb-overs, the crew-cuts, and the duck's-asses.

>aboard the same craft or in the same facility.

Crow: They're equal-opportunity anal probers!

>-- Abductees--"virgin" cases--report being taken to underground facilities
> where they see grotesque hybrid creatures, nurseries of hybrid humanoid
>fetuses, and vats of colored liquid filled with parts of human bodies.

Mike: What's *really* going on inside the Fruit Roll-up factory...

>-- Abductees report seeing other humans in these facilities being drained
>of blood, being mutilated, flayed, and dismembered, and being stacked,
>lifeless, like cords of wood.

Washu: (snickers) They burn good.
Crow: (as an alien) Zordox! Put another human on the fire, it's
getting chilly in here!

>Some abductees have been threatened that they, too, will end up in this
>condition if they don't cooperate with their alien captors.

Tom: I understand this is how the incentive plan at 'Amway' works!
Crow: (as Amway supervisor) You're under-sold this month? (sound of a
buzzsaw starting up)
Washu: Heh. Neat trick.

>-- Aliens come into homes and temporarily remove young children, leaving
>their distraught parents paralyzed and helpless.

Washu: Really? I'd take advantage of the free baby-sitting service.

> In cases where a parent has been able to protest, the aliens insist that
>"The children belong to us."

Mike: ... these make for some really *weird* custody battles.

>-- Aliens have forced their human abductees to have sexual intercourse
>with aliens and even with other abductees while groups of aliens observe
>these performances.

Tom: (as Alien #1) Now, remember, this is *purely* in the interest of
science.
Crow: (as Alien #2) Right, so bend over and grab that soap, human.

>In such encounters, the aliens have sometimes disguised themselves in order to
>gain the cooperation of the abductee, appearing in such forms as Jesus, the Pope,
>certain celebrities, and even the dead spouses of the abductees.

All: (laugh)
Mike: Oh, *HI*, Christ! What are *you* doing here?
Washu: I don't know, but I don't think the Pope would exactly motivate
me at an orgy.
Tom: We're entering a whole new weird area, guys...

>-- Children abductees sometimes show a new and obsessive interest in their
>own genitalia after alien encounters, saying that their abductors who come
>at night have been touching these parts of their bodies.

Mike: ... this having nothing to do it all with the onset of puberty.
Crow: See? And you guys *LAUGHED* at my theory of what motivates
underage lemon writers!

>-- Aliens perform extremely painful experiments or procedures on abductees,
>saying that these acts are necessary but giving no explanation why.

Washu: (as an alien) Oh, fine. We were just curious how many marbles
would fit inside somebody's anus, okay?!

> Abductees' eyes are painfully removed from the sockets, allowing the
>aliens to scrape the area or implant devices into the area before the
>eyeballs are replaced, for instance.

Mike: ... you know, sort of the feeling you get after reading a bunch
of conspiracy posts.

>Some abductees are subjected to painful constrictions, often around the head,
>chest and extremities.

Tom: (as an alien) D'ckardi! Quit going around tapping the humans on
the chest while we have them strapped to the tables! It's NOT funny
anymore!

>Painful genitalia and anal probes are performed, on children as well as
>adults.

Crow: Par for the course, really.
Washu: Look, it's CuteWendy! Wai!

>-- Aliens make predictions of an imminent period of global chaos and
>destruction.

Tom: They foresaw the 2000 presidential election?

>They say that a certain number of humans- -and the number varies
>dramatically from case to case--will be "rescued" from the planet in order
>to continue the species,

Crow: ... meaning much merriment for all parties concerned!
Mike: I certainly hope the aliens remember to pick up significant
amounts of booze to 'aid' the process.

>either on another planet or back on earth after the destruction is
>over.

Washu: ... or until the aliens get tired of the whole mess and beam
their breeders into a nearby star.
Tom: Is this starting to sound like 'Alpha Centauri' to any of y'all?
Crow: StarCraft, SimEarth, you name it.

> Many abductees report that they don't believe their alien captors and
>foresee instead a much more sinister use of the "rescued" humans.

Mike: For within the deepest recesses of the space ships engine room
lay GIANT HAMSTER WHEELS!!
Washu: (laughs) Good, cheap energy source!

>In every instance from this list, there are multiple reports from unrelated
>cases, confirming that such bizarre details are not the product of a single
>deranged mind.

Crow: ... just a lot of deranged minds, that's all.

>These details are convincing evidence that, contrary to the claims of many
>UFO researchers, the abduction experience isn't limited to a uniform pattern
>of events.

Tom: So, better classified as a 'broo-ha-ha'.

>This phenomenon simply can't be explained in terms of cross-breeding
>experiments or scientific research into the human physiology.

Mike: ... and don't forget those lovable nazis with their 'Project
Monarch'!
Crow: That reminds me, how exactly DO the aliens conspire to overthrow
all those other conspiracies mankind has accumulated over the years?
Tom: Maybe they'll have a conspiracy clearinghouse? Or a lawn sale?

>SPIRITUALLY ENLIGHTENED?

Washu: As a former goddess, I would have to say, 'yes', thank you.
Mike: (snickers)

>And it becomes clear from these details that the beings who are doing
>such things can't be seen as spiritually enlightened, with the best
>interest of the human race in mind.

Tom: (as an alien) Aw, you got us. We were just bored, needed a rainy
day project.

>Something else is going on, something far more painful and frightening,
> in many, many abduction encounters.

Crow: Mostly, the systematic breakdown of common sense!

>There is a theory current in ufological research that says abductees who
>perceive their experiences in a negative way only do so because they
>themselves aren't spiritually or psychically advanced.

Mike: (laughs) 'Ufological', huh?
Tom: Yeah, that's the closest you'll ever see 'logical' to 'UFO'...

>Persons with higher cosmic development have positive alien encounters,
>so the theory goes, and those who have painful or frightening experiences
>are merely spiritual Neanderthals.

Washu: (as Author ?) So nyah, nyah, nyah to your pain and suffering, ya
buncha losers!

>This is a pet theory of researchers who claim that aliens, whether
>objectively real or not, serve as "mirrors" of our spiritual nature, on
>an individual or a species-wide basis.

Crow: Oh, well, that makes perfect-- *huh*?

>Strieber has voiced this theory, for instance, in Majestic, where he says,
>"In the eyes of the others [the aliens], we who met them saw ourselves.

Mike: (as Strieber) ... and they were really, really dumb.
Tom: This on us, Wyatt.

>And there were demons there."

Crow: Now you're talkin' our language! (whips out double-barreled
shot-gun) Demon fraggin' time!
Washu: C'mon, Crow. It's over. (picks up Tom)
Crow: Awwww... but Washu! Demons!

[1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Bridge]

There was no one on the bridge. Mike was enjoying a nice nap, finally
free of his back pain.

[Elsewhere...]

"Alright, Washu! You drive a hard bargain. I'll give you this ultra
rare 'Who's the Boss' pog from my collection if you'll just give me back
my room.
"Aw, c'mon! Living with Servo can't be *that* bad." Washu rummaged
around in a box, unpacking. Both she and Crow were in her new (and Crow's
former) room.
"It *is*, trust me on this! Now, about the pog? Look, it's Tony!"
Washu just rolled her eyes and after a moment of rummaging through a
box, drew out a big album of sorts. Flipping it open, she showed Crow
the extent of her own pog collection.
"Okay, so you have three Monicas, four Angelas, five Samanthas, and a
half a dozen Tonys. But, I bet you don't have this nifty 'Fonz' Pez
dispenser!"
Washu sighed. "Crow... I'm not happy about you losing your room. I
think Mike is being very kind to me. He won't say it, and I don't like to
think about it, but I might be here for a very long time." She looked
up at Crow, her eyes beginning to water slightly. "I guess it's just us
admitting to ourselves the way things are right now."
Crow was silent for a minute, just looking at Washu. Then he said,
"This is more than just about Pogs, isn't it?"
Washu laughed, and nodded. "On Earth I have... a family. And if they
knew what had happened to me, they'd do anything in their power to save
me. Although a couple of them might not think much about me,
sometimes." She winked, and then became serious again. "I guess what really gets
me is the fact I'm not just being kept from Earth, I'm being kept from
contacting the people I... love. And sometimes I wonder... if they
really... miss me." She turned back to the box she was unpacking. "Let's
talk about something else. And not about the Fonz, either." Washu
admonished.
"Oh, fine. Whatcha got in the box?" Crow asked, looking over Washu's
shoulder.
"Just some odd pieces of equipment I was keeping around for memories
sake. Let's see... I have a prototype replicator... no need for it with
those Nanites around, though... and here's Flux Capacitor that was a
quaint gift from Doctor Brown... heh, oh, and a spare fission reactor
that I use to power this." Washu held up a lava lamp in one hand and a
palm-sized device in the other.
"Jeeze, Wash'..." said Crow, stepping back. "With all that junk, you
could build whole other lab!"
The scientist blinked. "You're... right. Another lab." She thought
about this for a moment, and a small smirk appeared on her face. "Another
lab. Small... but..." Washu looked up. "Well, why not? I've been
meaning to take a vacation anyway! It'd be nice to be able to conduct
experiments without having aliens attacking or the government interfering or
Ryoko and Ayeka fighting... for once... yeah! I'll do it!" The grin
widened and Washu turned around to look at Crow. "Thanks, guy."
"Oh, no problem. Could I... go now? I get the creepy feeling you're
about to launch into a bout of maniacal laughter or something."
Washu paused a moment, and said "You'd be correct. A heh. Hehe.
Eheheheh, HAHAHAHAH HAH! BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Crow slowly backed out of the room...

[Fade to Black]

"BWHAHAHHAAHA! WHAHAHAHA! BWEEEHAHAHEEEHAHAAAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!"

Jack Acid adds:

Y'know, one of the things I mention on my MSTer 'resume' is that on top
of MSTing fanfics, I also like to do spam and conspiracy posts. Of
course, the only conspiracy I've done so far was Ron Patton's Project
Monarch. It was my first MSTing ever. I'd like to think that I've gotten
better with time. The first two posts in Episode 3009 are old school
MSTing, circa 1998. The last one is all-new, added on to round out the
episode.

Special Thanks to:

Megane 6.7, for getting me on this MSTing kick, and teaching me all I
needed to know about MSTing. His webpage and mine: http://www.nabiki.com/mst

Zoogz, my webmaster and all-around swell guy, who also has his MSTings
at the above address. But if you found THIS MSTing already, you've
already found his and Megane's, right? ^_-

Himitsu, for her always valued C&C.

Ping courtesy of www.megatokyo.com - Ph33r Largo's l33t n3kk1d sk1llz.

The good folk at #EcchiFanGirls, found at http://www.geocities.com/ecchifangirls/,
who are the source of some of my inspiration. Even if they *are* perverts!

Haloflux, who is the best kitty-girl-shade-thief-mage-vampire I know!

Website #9's guidelines to Usenet MSTings. It came in handy...

May the way of the Hero lead to the Triforce.

>In such encounters, the aliens have sometimes disguised themselves in order to
>gain the cooperation of the abductee, appearing in such forms as Jesus, the
>Pope, certain celebrities, and even the dead spouses of the abductees.

Jack Acid Area
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