Mystery Science Theater 3001
Episode 3011: "Action 52"
MSTed by the Placid Jack Acid


In the not-too-distant future,
In the Twenty-first century...
Mike Nelson continues to beat the odds,
Because he's kept his sanity!
Pursued by a woman, whose name is Pearl,
A twisted, sadistic, kind of girl,
She's mad Mike's mind isn't out of whack,
So she decided to try a different kind of tack!

Pearl: I'LL... GET... *YOU*!!!

"I'll send him lousy web posts,
The worst he's ever seen!
He'll have to sit and read them all,
And keep his comments clean!"

Now keep in mind, Mike *has* to read,
Whatever post Pearl sends;
But Washu's there to lend a hand,
With- of course- his robot friends!

>> Robot Roll Call <<

Cambot! (Season Premiere!)
Gypsy! (Holy Moses!)
Tom Servo (Check me out!)
Crooow! (I'm different!)

If you're wondering why Washu's there,
And other useless facts,
Just repeat to yourself 'it's just a post!
I should really just relax!'

For...

Mystery Science Theater Three Thousand!

Washu: And one! *wink*


The article MSTed within is copyrighted to Active Enterprises, if such
a thing still exists. The "Cheetahmen", too, are copyrighted to these
fellows. All rights reserved.

Any mention of characters, songs, movies, and the like belong to their
respective owners. All rights reserved.
This MSTing is for entertainment purposes, and is all in good fun.


[1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Bridge]


    "Okay..." Washu Hakubi began. With a greasy thumb, she went over her
clipboard of checklists one last time. "Okay! All that's left to check is
the auxiliary magnetrons! Crow?"
    There was the sound of rustling in the open panel directly above the petite
scientist, and Crow T. Robot poked his head out amidst a jumbling of wires.
    "Huh? Magno-whatzits? How am I supposed to find one of those in *this*
mess?"
    Washu sighed, and put a hand on one of her hips. She was dressed in a
jumpsuit that looked exactly like the one Mike Nelson always wore--only it
was dark red in color. Her hair was done back with a bandanna--save for the
two locks of hair over the center of her forehead (those defied taming). She
looked up and answered, "You'll know them when you tumble onto them, if
they're still functioning!"
    Crow poked his head back in, grumbling.
    Washu was glad that her systems check of the Satellite of Love was nearly
completed. She had a habit of making absolutely sure of her surrounding
whenever she was stuck somewhere for an extended period of time-- and for
clunky, Earth-made spacecraft, that went double. Sure enough, most of the
systems had degraded after all this time, although most of them showed signs of
ingenious repair.
    She had to hand it to this Joel Robinson she heard so much about; the man
was a mechanical genius. Had to have been. His intervention when the SoL began
to degrade in orbit (an event Mike had told her about) must have added years to
the life of the ol' rust bucket.
    Mike Nelson walked onto the bridge, curious at the sounds of crashing and
swearing emanating from the overhead hatch. "Everything okay in here, little
Washu?"
    Washu smiled cutely. "Oh, just peachy! Crow and I were just finishing up
our diagnostics check! Believe it or not, there wasn't a whole lot of major
work to do! Just a touch up here and there and minor improvements in some of
the secondary systems--oh, and I overhauled the opening credits. That's
about it."
    Mike looked blank. "Where'd you find a jumpsuit that fit you?"
    Washu's smile faded. "Let's not get into that..."

[Nanite World]

    "WHOO BOY! Guys, I can't believe we're vacationing on the body of THE Washu
Hakubi!" Ned the Nanite exclaimed.
    Ted the Nanite bounced up and down happily. "Girl girl girl girl girl girl
GIRL!" he chirped happily.
    "Pipe down over there! Some of us are trying to enjoy the landscape!" Fred
the Nanite scolded. Turning back to the vista of soft pink before him, the
Nanite simulated a deep sigh of contentment. "Can you BELIEVE all we had to
do here was make a crummy jumpsuit her size?"
    "Yeah..." Ned joined Fred in enjoying the view; although it was uncertain
which part of Washu they were on, it *was* an enchanting vista. "Especially
since she promised to smite any Nanite she found within six CENTIMETERS of
her body, we got special dispensation! Can you believe it? There are no
other Nanites around... for six whole centimeters."
    Fred whistled. To a Nanite, a few centimeters were akin to thousands of
miles. They were alone, indeed. The two friends contemplated on this
silently while taking in the view.
    "Girl girl girl girl girl girl GIRL!!" Ted's gleeful abandon interrupted
the calm.
    "Jeeze, why did we even bring him along?" Ned groaned.

[SoL Bridge]

    "Well, anyway!" Washu went on, changing the subject. "All systems nominal.
Save for the power of the Observer keeping us in orbit, the Satellite of
Love is space worthy again." She gave a brisk salute.
    Mike returned the salute, although with less enthusiasm. The reason for
that was the flashing red light. "Eh, the Three Pearl-teers are calling."

[Castle Forrester]

    "All for me and none for YOU, Nethello!" Pearl quipped. "I see that your
little sidekick has been hard at work trying to keep your satellite from
falling from the sky. Either that, or she's trying out for a Mr. Goodwrench
commercial."

[SoL Bridge]

    "Well, you know what I say! Good ship maintenance makes for a happy crew!"
Mike replied cheerfully.
    "AhHEM! Bull-*cough*" came a voice from the panel up above.
    "Sidekick?" Washu said to herself, raising an eyebrow.

[Castle Forrester]

    "Anyway, Nelson, Hakubi! Today you have the privilege of viewing a
delightful moment in video game history. Back in 1993, a company could make
or break itself just by the way it handled itself at trade shows, regardless
of how low quality their product actually was. Well, it so happened that
there was a game developer who... shall we say... went *beyond* everyone's
expectations..." Pearl grinned evilly, but did a double take as she noticed
Tom Servo floating behind her.
    "Oh, hello!" Servo said merrily once he saw that the woman noticed him.
    "Hey, what the hell? You're supposed to be up there!" Pearl pointed at the
screen. "What are you doing HERE!?"
    "Looking for the fridge. And none too successful at it, either! Where *do*
you hide the rascal?"
    "Okay, this is odd." Pearl scratched her head.
    Another Tom Servo hovered into the scene. "Any luck, Tom?" he asked.
    "No, no, the fat lady ain't singing." The first Tom replied.
    "Alright, this is just bizarre." Pearl said, as several more Servos entered
the picture. "Nelson... your thoughts, analysis?"

[SoL Bridge]

    "Well, none right off the top of my head, ma'am!" Mike answered. "Oh, why
don't we ask Tom here? Tom, why are so many of you down there?" he asked of
the red robot who just had come on to the bridge.
    "Oh, that." the real Tom Servo replied. "See, now that Crow's moved in with
me, I had to make some more space in my room. So I decided to release some
of the 'mes' I've accumulated over the years into a wildlife preserve! And I
was thinking, what better fits that criterion than our own Castle Forrester?
I mean, it already HAS a monkey!"
    "Aha. Tom, I have to say on behalf of the rest of the crew, we salute you."
Mike raised a salute at Tom, which was quickly followed by Washu. "Damn fine
work, man."
    "Gosh, thanks!" Tom said. "I'd return it if I could. The salute, I mean. "
    "Bah. I'll deal with these later. Anyway, Nelson, your torture for the day
is a trade show hand out from one of the worst video games ever made, by one
of the cheapest game developers in existence. It's called 'Action 52' and
despite the sincere sounding missive I'm about to inflict
    "Ohhhhhhhhhhh, WE GOT LOONY SIGN!!" Mike exclaimed. Everyone on the
bridge rushed for the theater.
    Crow's voice came from the overhead panel. "Washu? Washu! Hey, I think I
found something!"
    >>>>*ZAP!*<<<<
    Crow was thrown down from the panel screaming, his body smoking from the
electric discharge. Getting up a second later, he said "Cool!" before staggering
into the theater.


[6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Theater]


(Crow staggers in and sits down in his seat. Mike and the others are already
seated.)
Washu: Oh, you found the Magnetron! And it still works!
Crow: (coughing out smoke) A-yup.
Mike: Is that ozone I smell?


>Active Enterprises, LTD


Tom: As opposed to Inert Enterprises, Lloyds of London.


> A C T I O N 5 2
>======================================================================


Crow: Bum bum BUM! Dramatic reverb!
Tom: Action Equal signs!
Washu: By the way, there's more than 52 equal signs up there, in case any
one was wondering.
Mike: We weren't, thanks.


>"ACTION 52"(TM) is a revolutionary line of video game cartridges


Mike: Yes, completely revolutionary! ... ten years ago.


>with versions compatible with the NES(R), SEGA GENESIS(R),
>and soon to be released SNES(R) version.


Crow: Not to be confused with Sailor Moon R.


> NINTENDO(R), SEGA(R) and other third party companies have many game
>cartridges on the market, each containing one, two, three and rarely,
>four games.


Washu: Oh, so they can *count*. This is good.


> The "ACTION 52"(TM) series each contain Fifty-Two completely new and
>different games in one cartridge.


Tom: Forget cram school, try CRAM ENTERTAINMENT!
Mike: Pro Action Football, eat your heart out!


>These are the only such cartridges available.


Crow: And these are the games that try men's souls.


>Imagine the happiness a child will have in playing a new game every
>week for a year,


Washu: ... completely avoiding such unhealthy activities as reading, or
breathing fresh air!


>all at a fraction of the cost of other new games.


Mike: Pound for pound, a cheaper brand of mind-rot!


>All games, concepts, and characters are wholly owned, patented,
>copyrighted and trade marked by Active Enterprises Ltd.


Washu: This is something to be proud of?
Tom: They seem to be.


>The NES(R) cartridge, upon insertion into the console greets the
>player with a digitized spoken message: "Make Your Selection Now".


Crow: ... a neat trick, seeing how the players have yet to turn on the
console.
Mike: Ah! The cartridge is possessed by spirits!
Washu: Ah! Scary!


> The SEGA(R), 16 bit version takes advantage of the 16 bit ability to
>play back both video and audio "digitized samples" of actual lifelike
>graphics and sounds as well as using true animation to enhance the
>realistic appearance of some of the games.


Tom: This from the same sort of people who consider Al Gore to be
'lifelike'.


>The cartridges feature adventure games, head-to-head games, space
>games, sports games and many more.


Washu: All in dazzling, realistic 16 BIT power!
Crow: Marvel at the Mystery of Mode Seven!
Mike: Be in awe of the sheer size of the two-inch-high sprites!


>All of the games are integrated into an opening "menu" system which
>appears when the cartridge is inserted into its respective console or
>when a game is completed.


Tom: Right, like anyone would ever WANT to finish a game.
Crow: (chuckle)


>At the completion of each level the player is given the option to
>continue with the game or return to the "Main Menu" without having to
>re-set the console each time.


Crow: Why not just hit 'pause' like you do in Super Mario All Stars?
Washu: "I'm sorry, but our Princess is in another castle! Abort, retry,
fail?"


>Promotion of the "ACTION 52"(TM) series of video game cartridges is
>being done by incorporating our main characters, the "CHEETAHMEN"(TM)


Washu: (laugh) Who, now?
Tom: Next they'll be using Bandicoots as mascots, I tells ya.
Mike: Chester's back and he's PISSED.


>(Hercules(TM), Apollo(TM), and Aries(TM)) features in the ACTION
>GAMEMASTER(TM) (Game #52) in a one minute animated cartoon/commercial
>of Disney quality.


Washu: Somehow, I doubt that 'quality' ever entered the equation.


>With each game pack is a "free" 14 page color comic book describing
>the origin of the CHEETAHMEN(TM).


Tom: Uh, guys? We're dangerously moving into 'Puma Man' territory, here.
Crow: (singing to the 'Puma Man' theme) Chee-tah-men! They fight like
puss-es!


>Try to maneuver the CHEETAHMEN(TM) as they attempt to defeat various
>"ACTION 52"(TM) evil enemies from the previous 51 games!


Mike: Wow! Instead of playing one piece of crap at a time, you can take on
the whole septic tank at once!


>This entire concept was developed, engineered, designed and
>manufactured in the U.S.A.


Crow: (as the author) And for that, we apologize. Really we do.


> It is the first new product to provide an economical way of obtaining
>many exciting games at one low price.


Washu: I can do the same thing by buying a copy of 'Kama Sutra'!
Tom: Washu?
Washu: What? I can!


>(R)COPYRIGHT 1991, 1992, 1993
>ACTIVE ENTERPRISES LTD.
>ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------


Mike: (as author) Reserve our rights or we use these dashes on you.


> Active Enterprises, LTD.
> CONFIDENTIAL PRICE LIST


Crow: This price list will explode in six seconds!
Tom: Tick, tick, KABOOM! Hehe!


> EFFECTIVE JUNE 1, 1993
> *Prices subject to change without notice. All orders subject to
> acceptance by ACTIVE ENTERPRISES LTD.


Washu: (snicker) Yeah, I imagine this company would ever turn away an
order.


>PRODUCT | DESCRIPTION | TYPE | UPC | MASTER | PRICE | DATE
> | | | CODE | CARTON | | AVAILABLE
>--------+------------+-----+-----+-------+------+---------


Tom: Ironically, the UPC symbol received more coding than what went
into
the games themselves.
Crow: Date Available? Oh, good, I need one for Saturday night.


>"ACTION | Clear 8-Bit | |30669-| 24 |$40.00*|
> 52" | NES | NES | 18880| (4-6Pk)|Restri-| NOW
> | Cartridge | | | |ctions |
> | | | | | Apply |
>--------+------------+-----+-----+-------+------+---------


Washu: Goody, you can buy them in six-packs!
Mike: What exactly is a 'clear 8-bit'?


>CHEETAH-| Clear 8-Bit | |30669-| 24 | |
> MEN II | NES | NES | 18180| (4-6Pk)|$20.00 | NOW
> | Cartridge | | | | |
>--------+------------+-----+-----+-------+------+---------


Mike: Yes, for only 20 bucks, you too can enjoy this throwback to miserable
times!
Crow: (singing) Your time is now, your time is now...


>"ACTION | 16 Bit GEN | |30669-| 24 | |
> 52" | Cartridge | GEN | 19480| (4-6Pk)|$80.00 | NOW
>GENESIS | | | | | |
>--------+------------+-----+-----+-------+------+---------


Washu: Action 52. Heh. What imagination must of when into that name?
Tom: (singing to the 'Puma Man' theme) Chee-tah-men! They don't own a
the-saur-us!


>"ACTION | 16 Bit SNES | |30669-| 24 | |
> 52" | CARTRIDGE | SNES | 18280| (4-6Pk)|$80.00 | OCT/93
> SUPER | | | | | |
>NINTENDO| | | | | |
>--------+------------+-----+-----+-------+------+---------


Crow: Ah. Timed to blow that pesky 'Legend of Zelda' right out of the
water.
Washu: Yep. Bet ol' Link was quaking in his Pegasus boots.


>CHEETAH-| PLASTIC | |30669-| | |
> MEN | ACTION | TOY | 19080| 4 8 | $4.99 | TBA
>ACTION | FIGURES | | | | |
> FIGURES| | | | | |
>--------+------------+-----+-----+-------+------+---------


Mike: Nothing beats a box of MEN... unless they're CheetahMEN.


>CHEETAH-| POSEABLE | |30669-| | |
> MEN | RUBBER | TOY | 18980| 12 | TBA | TBA
> DOLLS | DOLLS | | | | |
>--------+------------+-----+-----+-------+------+---------


Crow: Poseable and made of rubber. What else can I say? That won't get me
smacked, that is.
Tom: Cheetahmen. Garage kits are still available.


>SPORTS 5| 16-Bit GEN | GEN |30669-| 24 | TBA | TBA
> | Cartridge | | 19280| (4-6Pk)| |
>--------+------------+-----+-----+-------+------+---------


Washu: I take it back. 'Sports 5'. *THAT* is creative genius at work.
Crow: What do you expect from a company called 'Active Enterprises',
really?


>SPORTS 5| 16-Bit SNES | SNES |30669-| 24 | TBA | TBA
> | Cartridge | | 19380| (4-6Pk)| |
>--------+------------+-----+-----+-------+------+---------


Tom: Um, this is big talk from a cartridge that was an easy port over from
8-bits!


> 16 BIT | 16 Bit | | | | |
> ACTION | Portable | HRWD |30669-| 12 | TBA | TBA
>GAMEMAS-| System | | 19580| | |
> TER | | | | | |
>--------+------------+-----+-----+-------+------+---------


Washu: (cracks up)
Mike: (laughs) Oh, man... a 16-bit PORTABLE system? By THESE guys?
Crow: ACTION GAMEMASTER! Now with a battery life upwards to ten whole
minutes!


> A | TV TUNER | ACC |30669-| 24 | TBA | TBA
> C | ADAPTER | | 19680| | |
> T |-------------+-----+-----+-------+------+---------
> I G | CD PLAYER | ACC | TBA | 24 | TBA | TBA
> O A |-------------+-----+-----+-------+------+---------


Crow: A TV tuner for a portable? What next?
Mike: Been there, done that.


> N M | 8 Bit | | | | |
> E A | NES | ACC | TBA | 24 | TBA | TBA
> M C | Adapter | | | | |
> A C |-------------+-----+-----+-------+------+---------


Tom: This isn't sounding all that portable.
Mike: With a handcart, maybe. Just maybe.
Crow: I can see why this wasn't called 'Gamemaster Pocket'...
Washu: (still laughing)


> S E | 16-BIT | | | | |
> T S | GENESIS | ACC | TBA | 24 | TBA | TBA
> E S | ADAPTER | | | | |
> R S |-------------+-----+-----+-------+------+---------
> O | 16-BIT | | | | |
> R | SNES | ACC | TBA | 24 | TBA | TBA
> I | ADAPTER | | | | |
> E |-------------+-----+-----+-------+------+---------


Washu: (calming down) Hehehe... oh, man, this is really something. *hee*
Tom: This would be equivalent to a fanfic crossover, wouldn't it?
Crow: In the 'Sailor Moon meets Beavis and Butt-head meets Gundam Wing'
sense, yeah.


> S | BATTERY | ACC | TBA | 24 | TBA | TBA
> | CHARGER | | | | |
> |-------------+-----+-----+-------+------+---------


Mike: Boy, I'd imagine you'd be using *that* a lot.
Tom: Action Gamemaster and Action Gamemaster power plant sold
separately.


> | CAR LIGHTER | ACC | TBA | 24 | TBA | TBA
> | ADAPTER | | | | |
>--------+------------+-----+-----+-------+------+---------


Washu: Somehow, I doubt even a car battery could handle this thing for very
long.
Crow: Tell me, when you plug it in and your headlights start staring at one
another, is that a bad thing?


>CHEETAH-| 16-BIT AGM | |30669-| 24 | |
>MEN III | ACTION | AGC | 19780| (4-6Pk)| TBA | TBA
> | CARTRIDGE | | | | |
>----------------------------------------------------------------------


Tom: Ah, the stupid-but-fuzzy mascots.
Washu: Wolf, we need you and your tiny attack jets, and we need them
NOW!


>MINIMUM ORDERS


Mike: That's about what you can expect, yes.
Washu: (snicker)


> Distributor orders must be 144 pieces or more in master carton
>quantities. Dealer orders no restrictions.


Washu: Forcing dealers to order 144 pieces at a time? That's... not exactly
a smart move.
Crow: You're expecting smart moves from the maker of the ACTION
GAMEMASTER!?


>MINIMUM RE-ORDERS


All: (singing) They got high hopes! They got high hopes! High apple pie in
the skyyyy hopes...


> Distributor re-orders must be 144 pieces or more in master
>carton quantities. Dealer orders no restrictions.


Mike: They dream one day to break free of the Dealer's cruel regime.


>PAYMENT
> 1. C.O.D. Cash, Cashiers Check or Money Order unless prior
>arrangements are approved.


Tom: In God we trust, but everyone else pays cash!


> 2. Prepaid via Bank wire transfer, Cashiers, Certified Check or
>Documentary Letter of Credit.


Crow: ACTION GAMEMASTER!
Washu: (snickers) Stop it.


>DISTRIBUTOR PRICING
> ACTION 52 NES (Now Reduced)
> Minimum Quantities 500 pcs. $40.00


Mike: One can imagine the sheer size of the warehouse these cartridges are
currently collecting dust in.
Tom: Yup.


> SEGA (Genesis/Mega Drive 16-Bit)and SUPER NINTENDO (16 Bit)
> PIECES PLAN 1 PLAN 2
> 144 - 504 $70 (or) $ 70


Crow: Golly, with a choice like that I'll have to go with... the $70 plan.
Washu: Wait a minute, $70 EACH?! Were they NUTS?! The programmers ALONE
weren't paid that much for this game!


> 505 - 1,008 $65 (or) $ 70 (Less 8% Money Rebate or 10% in
> Product)


Mike: Action 52 cartridges ARE legal tender in some countries, come to
think of it.


> 1,009 - 2,016 $60 (or) $ 70 (Less 15% Money Rebate or 17% in
> Product)


Tom: Or, you can save yourself from doing the math, and not buy this
product at all!


> 2,017 & Up $55 (or) $ 70 (Less 25% Money Rebate or 27% in
> Product)
>
>DEALER PRICING


Mike: The Cheetahmen desperately try to establish 'street cred'.
Crow: Oh, sure, the first game's ALWAYS free... it's the other 51 that'll
get ya.


> PIECES PRICE
> 0 - 11 $ 80
> 12 - 23 78.50
> 24 - 144 75.00
> 145 & UP Reverts To Distributor Pricing


Washu: In the unlikely event that anyone would want to encounter this game
in large quantities, that is.


>FREIGHT
> All Freight Is F.O.B. Orlando, Florida, regardless of quantities.


Crow: Fire On Barney?
Tom: First On Base?
Washu: Fairies Only, Bub?


>FREIGHT DAMAGE
> Merchandise must be inspected immediately upon arrival to your
> facility.


Tom: (as author) It is then laughed at and called funny names.


> All claims for damages or lost merchandise must be made
> promptly by the consignee to the delivering carrier.


Tom: (as author) They, too, will laugh and call it funny names.
Mike: (laughs)


> Active Enterprises Ltd. Returns must have freight pre-paid.
> No. C.O.D.'s will be accepted. Credit will be issued in
> replacement of merchandise, after merchandise is inspected
> and approved.


Washu: And credit will certainly go to where it is due, here.


>WARRANTY
> 90 Day limited warranty by Active Enterprises Ltd.


Mike: Well, it's to the point, at least there's that.


>RETURN POLICY
> All defective merchandise


Crow: ... in this case, the entire Active Enterprises' gaming line up!


> must have a Return Authorization Number (RA#) issued by Active
> Enterprises Ltd. Returns must have freight pre-paid. No C.O.D.'s
> will be accepted.
> Credit will be issued in replacement of merchandise, after
> merchandise is inspected and approved.


Tom: (as author) ... and then we will call you up and laugh at you.


>DISCLAIMER OF IMPLIED WARRANTIES AND LIMITATION OF DAMAGES


Crow: Yeah, yeah...
Mike: Post slowed up a lot, hasn't it?
Washu: Let's stay with it... I want to them explain the 'Gamemaster'
again!
It's FUN!


> All implied warranties sold by Active Enterprises Ltd. to
> customers, including but not limited to, implied warranties, or
> merchantability and/or fitness for any particular purpose, are
> hereby excluded.


Mike: Tune in next week as the Cheetahmen continue to COVER THEIR
ASSES!
Tom: Same Cheetah time, same Cheetah channel.


> Active Enterprises Ltd. if and to customer, shall, under any
> legal or equitable theory, be limited to replacement of the
> product, and, in no event include damages of any kind, whether
> incidental, consequential, or otherwise.


Washu: (as AE Ltd) So there!
Crow: Hehe! It's so FUNNY when these guys try and act like a grown-up
business!


> Prices and conditions are subject to change without notice.


Tom: More like a 'Chapter Eleven' than a 'notice'.
Mike: (picks up Tom)


[1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, SoL Bridge]


    Mike Nelson cheerfully wandered onto the Bridge from the right, humming to
himself a lively rendition of the main theme to 'The Legend of Zelda'. "Man,
can't get that song out of my head, now!" Mike said when he finished. "Ever
had that happen to you, guys? Uh, guys?" He asked, noticing there was no one
else visible on the Bridge. He flinched when Washu, who had been underneath
the console rewiring it, popped up. "Gah! Where did you come from?!"
    "Originally, the Divine Plane! But that's not important right now. At the
moment, I was fixing a control panel a certain SOMEONE fixed with duct tape
about three centuries ago..." She shot a withering look at Crow, who had
entered the bridge from the left a few moments before.
    "Hey, it didn't look THAT expensive to fix!" Crow said in his defense.
"Besides, we had BACK UP life support systems..."
    Tom, who had entered with Crow, tried to change the subject. "Hey, what did
do you guys think of today's post so far?" He nudged Crow to shut up.
    Washu laughed. "Action Gamemaster, heh. Those specs..." She went into a
miniature giggling fit. The practical engineer in her just couldn't help it.
    Mike also chuckled. "Even with that aside, the games are what really got to
me! I rented an 'Action 52' NES cartage a long time ago, and when I turned
it on, I thought I'd stumbled onto some kind of debug screen... I can't
believe Active Enterprises lasted as long as it did!"
    "Which is why I decided to start up my OWN gaming company!" Crow said. "If
Active Enterprises could stay in business for even one MONTH, I bet I could
stay open for YEARS no matter how much I suck at it!"
    Mike laughed. "Oh, really?"
    "Really, really!" answered Crow, oblivious to Mike's incredulousness. The
gold robot hobbled over to a TV set up on the bridge console. "In fact, I
already have made my first game, and it's a sure-fire hit! Just have to boot
it up, and... there! See!"
    "Gomen, Crow... but that's... Pong." Washu said hesitantly.
    "No, it's not!" Crow retorted cheerfully.
    "Crow!" Mike exclaimed. "There are two paddles, and they're just knocking a
small dot back and forth! That's all Pong is!"
    "Oh, really? Just watch..."
    Mike and Washu peered intently at the screen. The dot went back and forth
as usual. Suddenly, just as the dot was about to hit one of the paddles, it
appeared to FLIP the paddle over itself, causing the paddle to fly across
the screen into the other paddle. The force of the collision ripped the
struck paddle in two. Then just as suddenly, another dot showed up and
knocked the FIRST paddle back across the screen, which was then knocked back
by the first dot.
    The two humans watched with mouths agape.
    "Neat, eh? I call it 'Pong: Blood Vengeance'. I figure EVERYONE would love
to see those uppity paddles get theirs."
    Tom was playing on one of the game's controllers. "Pretty cool! Watch me
win this match with a 'Deliverance' style finishing move! Squeal like a
piggy, you paddle! This dot's too hot! Whee!"
    "My first customer!" Crow said, happily. Suddenly, and typically, the
bridge began to shake as several sirens went off. "Oh, we got LOONY
SIGN!!"


[6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Theater]


>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A C T I V E E N T E R P R I S E S L T D .


All: (hum the theme to 2001: Space Odyssey while sitting down)


> a n d
>
> "A C T I O N 5 2(TM)"
>
> (BACKGROUND INFORMATION)


Crow: Ah, good, we can finally get to the bottom of this.
Mike: Our story begins in a humble apartment in Hoboken where Melvin
Conzalski started out with just $25 and a crazy dream...


>HISTORY
>
> ACTION 52(TM), the product, was originally conceived in
>1989 as an alternative to the high cost of individual Nintendo video
>game cartridges.


Washu: ... uh-huh.
Tom: These were the people who just didn't 'get' Kirby.


> Original investment projections that in order to take advantage of
>the silent wave of anti, far-eastern made products


Crow: Ride the wave of xenophobic sentiment!


>that the product should be designed, developed, and manufactured in
>the United States, with U.S. quality.


Mike: ... by cheap, immigrant labor.
Crow: (singing) Like a ROCK!


> Original projections also assumed that at least 18 months would have
>to be spent on Research and Development.


Tom: (as author) But we finished up in three days and blew the rest of the
time playing 'Doom'.


>Some of the many requirements were:


Washu: (as author) ... talent, imagination, and business sense. In all
counts, we sucked.
Mike: But on the bright side, they had a perfectly free Cheetahman comic
book!


> 1: Research and Development for both hardware and software.


Crow: Most of the money must of been invested in some *really* cheap
pot...


> A: Hardware: Consisting of Electronic mother board
>circuitry and design.


Tom: ... and a ten-minute stop at a local Radio Shack.


> B: Software (Game) conception, design, writing and artwork.


Mike: Boy, it's one thing to make your kid draw you a comic book for your
little video game, but to saddle him with ALL the work?


> C: Cartridge housing design.


Crow: Building a better way to store crap!


> D: Expert general and technical legal advice.


Tom: Calling 1-800-LAWYERS and being put on hold doesn't exactly count as
'expert legal advice'.
Washu: (as an operator) Sir, I'm sorry, but Perry Mason is a *fictional*
character... yes, and Ben Matlock, too...


>The expert general and technical legal advice was a crucial element as
>all facets of design and development had to be legally inspected and
>approved by expert legal council retained from the inception,


Crow: (as author) ... my cousin, Vinnie.
Everyone else: (snicker)


> in order to be certain that there would be no infringement against
>any existing patents and/or copyrights presently, or previously held
>by other companies.


Washu: Meanwhile, assassins were dispatched from Nintendo AND Sega.
Mike: I really don't think you'd NEED assassins with these guys,
though.


> Legal fees alone accounted for almost 20% of total initial investment
>capital.


Tom: ... and the remaining $80 was blown at the track.
Crow: Y'know, this WAS in the early 1990's. Money was worth way more back
when!


>LEGAL
>
> In order to fulfill the various requirements of bringing a
>product such as "ACTION 52(TM)" to market it was projected that an
>extremely large capital investment would be required.


Mike: ... but there are only so many returnable bottles you can pick up on
the side of any given highway!


> Before incorporating, a large group of interested investors were
>gathered into a pre-incorporated group.


Washu: Dark shadows gathered prior to the unholy rituals.
Tom: Hey, if a pact with the underworld worked for Microsoft...


> As many of the interested potential investors were from various
>countries it was decided to incorporate in the Bahamas,


All: (laugh)
Washu and the Bots: (singing) God bless America! Land that I loooooove!
Mike: Sorta cheapens the whole 'Made in the USA' thing, but hey.


> and an I.B.C. (International Business Corporation) was formed, and
>called "ACTIVE ENTERPRISES LTD."


Tom: Safely away from those pesky American AND Japanese law officials.
Washu: No, I think Japan has a specially trained international ninja task
force to handle this sort of thing.
Crow: Boy, and I thought *I* took video games seriously...


>WORLD MARKETS
>
> Besides research, development and legal mountains to climb,
>a marketing strategy had to be developed.


Mike: Landslide on the financial Matterhorn.


> It was determined that an exclusive International distribution
>network would be pursued.


Washu: ... and the icy black tentacles slowly began to envelope the
globe!


>Distributors would not be charged a fee as in franchising, however,
>all distributors would be required by agreement to purchase minimum
>amounts of product, (finally determined to be 2,000 pieces per month)
>in order to maintain their exclusivity.


Tom: The horrors of market-speak.
Washu: Eyes... glazing over!
Mike: Nabiki Tendo, where are you when we need you?


> Distribution would be accomplished by


Tom: ... parachute drop!
Mike: ... Ancient Chinese Secret!
Crow: ... SATCHEL CHARGES AMONG THE DEBRIS!! BWHAHAHAHA!!
Washu: (sweat-drop) O... kay.


>separating the world into countries and cities as follows: The United
>States would be divided into 107 different distribution areas
>consisting of the 52 states.


Crow: ... whoa! Hello! We picked up a couple extra someplace?
Mike: I see geography *also* wasn't a strong point with these guys.
Tom: I don't think Puerto Rico or Guam really count as 'states' yet.


> All states with cities of 250,000 or more population would be
>assigned separately as different areas.


Mike: Which, oddly, gave them two left over that had no population at
all!


>The rest of the world would consist of an additional 105 distribution
>areas.


Washu: No fair! The USA has more areas then the rest of us put
together!
Crow: You mean, you *wanted* your home saturated with "Cheetahmen"
merchandise?
Washu: Uh... good point.


>Countries with cities of 500,000 population or more being assigned
>separately.


Tom: They planned all this out on a 'Risk' board, don'tcha know!


> As most of "Active's" contacts were international most of
>the initial marketing attention was focused on Europe and other
>international markets, excluding the United States.


All: (singing) Born in the USA! I was, Born in the USA!


>It was originally felt that as the product was American made that the
>U.S. market would easily come at a later time.


Mike: Yeah, you see how well that worked out for Detroit...
Crow: (singing) LIKE A ROCK!


>U.S. MARKETS
>
> Upon setting up various distributors outside the U.S.
>according to these initial plans, research was begun on the U.S.
>market.


Washu: (as author) ... but we failed to reach Mr. Dow or Mr. Jones for
comment.


>After extensive market research it was determined that the video and
>video game market in the U.S. was markedly different than that of the
>rest of the world, and, that possible distributor conflicts could
>arise from the proposed and planned system.


Mike: Turns out that 'Intellivision' and 'Atari' owners were still really
bitter.


> As the U.S. consists of a few major chains and buying groups the
>distribution would have to be centrally coordinated. At this point


Crow: (as author) ... we really had no idea what the hell we were
doing.


>Active had to make a decision to either set-up a complete internal
>organization at great expense and a long and costly trial and error
>learning period,


Tom: (as author) Learning is hard! Let's just throw money at it!
Washu: The rise and fall and entertainingly bloody death of Active
Enterprises.


> or to appoint established persons and/or organizations with
>previously established and extensive close contacts with those major
>chains and buying groups.


Crow: Interestingly, they all had Italian names, mustaches, and really big
guns.


> After a trial an error period it was finally determined
>that until a satisfactory single distributor could be appointed,
>"Active" itself would handle any and all sales directly, both as
>manufacturer and Distributor for its own products in the United
>States.


Washu: ... so, they spent most of their time... licking envelopes.
Mike: See, guys? Office temps serve a valuable function in business today.
Crow: Wow, Mike, I never knew!


>OTHER PRODUCTS:
>
> CARTOON


Tom: Cartoon Cartoons?


> Present, ongoing product development by Active Enterprises
>Ltd. consists of extensive capital investment in a "Disney" quality,
>one minute cartoon featuring "The Cheetahmen(TM)" advertising the
>"Action 52(TM)" video game cartridge.


Mike: "Disney" refused to comment.
Washu: It might help if they learned how to use quotes the right way.
Crow: (as Dr. Evil) Okay, I've developed what I call a "la-ser"...
Tom: (snicker)


> The cartoon has been designed to play internationally being released
>in English with French, Italian, German and Spanish sub-titles.


Washu: No Japanese? Whew! Dodged a bullet!
Tom: Otaku everywhere wept bitterly. There would be no Cheetahmen for
Christmas.


>It is also released in all TV standards.


Crow: C'mon! These were the same standards that produced "My Mother,
The
Car"!


> This cartoon is the forerunner to a planned nationally syndicated TV
>full length children's cartoon show.


Washu: Oh, good GOD, no.
Mike and the Bots: (singing) Cheetah, Cheetah, Cheetah, Cheetah! Cheetahmen,
HO!


> COSTUME "LIVE" FIGURE


Mike: Studies showed that the costume 'dead' figure just didn't *sell* with
the kiddies.


> Also in development, is a complete, electronically "servo"
>controlled "Cheetahman(TM)" outfit.


Tom: Ho, ho! I like the sound of *this*...
Washu: (as AE Ltd) And with our army of robotic Cheetah Men complete, we
will TAKE OVER THE WORLD!


> As with all endeavors undertaken by Active Enterprises Ltd. the focus
>is on "quality".


Crow: ... and not as you might think, "crap".


> The costume is being done in Hollywood by "Screaming Mad George", one
>of the film industry's leading special effects companies.


Mike: Which would come as a surprise to Screaming Mad George, since he's
actually a "person".
Tom: (as author) The hell with background research! The name sounds
special effect-y enough!


> Some of their special effects credits include "Poltergeist II",
>"Nightmare on Elm Street 4, Beetlejuice, "Big Trouble In Little China"
>and "Predator".


Washu: Somehow, I understand why this would be the right guy to design a
Cheetahman suit.
Mike: Why?
Washu: He's used to horror.
Mike: Ah.


> "The Cheetahman(TM)" will be scheduled for personal appearances at
>various trade shows and conventions around the world.


Crow: Mostly for the pure 'beat-down' value.
Tom: (as a carnie barker) Hurry, hurry, hurry! Smash the big dumb
cheetah-head with a mallet!


>Present plans include completion of the other two Cheetahmen(TM) for a
>final group of three characters as originally conceived and developed
>by Active Enterprises Ltd.


Mike: Great! *Three times* the uselessness.
Crow: (singing) Chee-tah-men, they're better than crotch-rot!


>SINGLE RELEASE:
>
> CHEETAHMEN(TM) GAME CARTRIDGE
>
> In addition to the above, Active Enterprises Ltd. has
>already released its new "Cheethamen(TM)" video game, "The
>Cheetahmen(TM), Part II" has been released as a single game cartridge.


Tom: Oh, *swell*.
Washu: The Cheetahmen, Part TWO: Apollo Gets Neutered.


>This cartridge was released to hold "The Cheetahmen(TM)" characters in
>the public eye,


Crow: Hehe! It's so much FUN to watch a committee of old gray business men
try and bend the minds of our young for profit!


> while other campaigns are waged to make "The Cheetahmen(TM)"
>characters the most desired and merchandised items for Christmas 93'.


Tom: 'Hot' hot! HOTTER than 'hot'!
Mike: Right up there between the rock tumbler and an unpopular
paint-by-numbers kit.


> "ACTION 52" (Genesis(R) version)
>
> In order to take advantage of the fast growing SEGA
>Genesis(R) market, the "Action 52(TM)" cartridge has now been
>converted,


Washu: It now transforms into a hedgehog.


>along with its fifty-two original games to be compatible with the SEGA
>Genesis(R) 16 bit video game system. This new product is the very
>first multi-game cartridge made for the SEGA Genesis(R) system.


Mike: (as author) ... besides that one I didn't bother to learn about.


> This new "Action 52(TM)" Genesis version has new and enhanced
>graphics and sound fully taking advantage of the capabilities allowed
>with the 16 bit console systems.


Tom: (as author) We spent a whole EXTRA FIVE MINUTES on it!
Crow: Yes, revolutionary pixelation.


> SEGA(R) presently controls fifty per cent of the video game market
>and it is projected that with the timing being perfect for this
>release it will far exceed the sales of the already successful 8 Bit
>version.


Washu: "Successful" in that no one was arrested because of it.


> "ACTION 52" (SUPER NES(R) VERSION)
> The tradition being carried on, the Super NES(R) 16 bit
>version of "Action 52(R)" will be close on the heels of the SEGA(R)
>Genesis version.


Crow: I think with "Action 52", tradition is the one route you DON'T want
to go...


> This, Super NES(R) version of the already popular Action 52(TM)
>standard should be even more popular than its predecessors bringing in
>more sales than the Genesis(R) version as Nintendo(R) begins to assert
>itself in the 16 Bit market ever stronger only to recover its number
>one role from SEGA(R).


Mike: And this would be the first thing they've said that turned out to be
somewhat accurate... kinda.
Tom: It won't last.


> "PORTABLE" VIDEO GAME


Crow: "Gamemaster": The Video Game of Fate.
Mike: Torgo goes digital! Go Torg-man!
Washu: Oooh, I feel faint just standing near it!


> Finally, is the ongoing research and development of the
>"Action Gamemaster(TM)"The "Action Gamemaster(TM)" with be a
>"portable" video game, hand-held console unit,


Tom: "Portable" in the "forklift" sense.


>compatible with the Nintendo(R)8-bit cartridges, Sega(R) 16 Bit
>cartridges and Super Nintendo(R) 16 Bit cartridges.


Crow: ... also makes tasty salads before your very eyes!


>This will immediately give this new product a vast library of
>ready-made software.


Washu: (as author) ... greatly reducing the amount of games we'd have to
program by the seat of our asses.


>While being it's own format this 16 bit console this unit will
>revolutionize the industry.


Mike: Now everyone else will know exactly what NOT to do!


> A product on the cutting edge of technology it will also make video
>games available on compact disc.


Tom: Video games on CDs? Oh, the craziness!


>It will be in full color with an optional tuner available.


Crow: ... so you can watch a one-minute commercial starring THE
CHEETAHMEN!


>The tuner will enable to be converted into a portable TV, enabling it
>to be taken along on various outings such as football or baseball
>games or picnics.


Washu: (as author) .... you know, healthy activities. Exactly the sort of
thing we want to discourage.


> It is due for release in the last quarter of 1993.


Mike: But don't hold your breath, people!


> CHEETAHMEN(TM) FIGURES
>
> Action figures have been one of the most demanded items of
>today's younger generation and, noting this trend,


Tom: (as author) ... we decided to make a weak attempt to cash in!


> available for immediate production and purchase orders are "The
>Cheetahmen(TM)" "Action Figures"


Crow: They "bend" and "pose" and "stuff"...
Washu: (snicker)


> (6 inch plastic figures).


Washu: (singing) I got a man whose six inches tall, four inches wide, and
that ain't all!


>Later production plans also include "Cheetahmen(TM)" dolls,


Mike: ... something to scare the kids with!


> (16 inch rubber dolls of each character).


Tom: (singing) The wonderful thing about Cheetahmen! Cheetahmen are
wonderful things!


>These figures will also be presented for display and sale at the New
>York Toy Fair, at the London Toy Fair and the Canadian Toy Show.


Mike: ... where, sure enough, they will be laughed at.


>IN-HOUSE DISCUSSIONS
>
> Several items are being discussed at this time for release
>sometime in 1993. These include "Action 52(tm)" and "Cheetahmen(TM)"
>T-shirts.


Washu: Release them where? Into the void?
Crow: The Cheetahmen underpants failed miserably on the open market.


> A Cheetahman(TM) Comic Book series is planned to begin with a
>Free issue (already complete and ready for printing) to be distributed
>via video rental stores explaining the origin of the Cheetahmen(TM).


Tom: ... namely, the results of generating Dungeon & Dragon characters
while under the influence of mind altering drugs!


>Plans also include multi-game cartridges for the Sega(R) Game Gear(R)
>and Nintendo(R) Game Boy(R).


Mike: Active Enterprises: Spreading evil wherever we go!


> Also planned is a Cheetahmen(TM) full length cartoon series and a
>nationally syndicated children's cartoon series.


Washu: (as author) Just to prove you weren't hallucinating when you read
about it a few minutes ago.


>CONCLUSION


Washu: YAY!
Crow: YEEEEEHAA! (starts head banging)
Tom: I *love* that word! I get shivers when I hear it!


> Active Enterprises Ltd., believes the success which will
>be experienced in the years ahead will be directly attributable to the
>basic beliefs and core values upon which the company has been built.


Mike: (deep voice) It is the Cheetahmen way.


>Our Agenda for 1993 and beyond is to press forward by allowing the
>best talent in the business execute all strategies to perfection by
>providing quality products and service to our valued customers while
>maintaining a passion for excellence.


Crow: It was more of a list of vague suggestions than an 'agenda', looking
back...


>Your support in this endeavor is sincerely appreciated.


Washu: (as author) By the way, could you lend me bus fare home?


>Action 52, Action Gamemaster, The Cheetahmen and The Cheethamen II are
>Trade Marks of Active Enterprises Ltd.


Tom: Look! It's the Smith Brothers!
Mike: "Trade" and "Mark", I get it, cute. Little obscure, though.


>Nintendo, Super Nintendo and Game Boy are registered Trade Mark of
>Nintendo Company Ltd. and Nintendo of America Inc.
>Sega, Sega Genesis and Game Gear are Registered Trade Mark of Sega
>Company Ltd. and Sega of America


Mike: No quotes were harmed in the making of this press release. (picks up
Tom)
Crow: ACTION GAMEMASTER!


[1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, SoL Bridge]


    "Well guys!" Mike said cheerfully. "That's another one in the can! And I
for one like to take a moment to look back and see what we learned from
today's post." He glanced around and saw Crow and Washu, but not Tom.
Shrugging to himself, he continued. "So, what was the moral of the day,
guys?"
    "Clearly, greedy old capitalists or half-witted college business majors
should not try and make video games." Crow said. "Right, Washu?"
    "That's right!" Washu added. "Too often nowadays manufacturers concentrate
on shipping out many games as fast as possible, sometimes sacrificing the
overall quality of the game itself. And good games take time to program!"
    "And how would you explain 'Daikatana'?" Mike interjected. "That was over
four YEARS in development, and it STILL ate."
    "Well, 4.3, actually!" Washu laughed nervously and put an arm behind her
head. "There's always something to be said why some games are made at ALL...
just like some movies!"
    "Maybe it's for the best," mused Mike. "I doubt the world was really ready
for the likes of the Cheetah- GAH!"
    Mike was shocked to see a seven-foot, obviously mechanical humanoid cheetah
amble onto the bridge. The huge thing made clicking and whirling noises as
it moved. Its head slowly turned to look at Mike. A voice emitted from it:
    *"Oh, hi, Mike! How do you like my new, 'Servo' controlled Action
Cheetahman?"*
    "S-servo? Is that you?" Mike stammered.
    *"Of course it's me!"* Tom's voice crackled. *"Today's post got me
curious about sort of artifacts a company like Active Enterprises might have
left behind, so I started to make a few phone calls! Sure enough, Screaming
Mad George had made them a suit, but they never came to pick it up! It
turned up in a warehouse out in Jersey- can you believe it? So I had UPS
pack it and send it up..."*
    Mike's hand immediately shot for his wallet pocket. Not surprisingly, it
wasn't there. Inwardly, he groaned.
    *"...and here it is! My very own big-ass mechanical cheetahman! Pretty
cool, eh?"*
    "Er, it's great, Tom..." Washu began, "but, uh, what is it good for?"
    *"As it turns out, not that much!" Tom admitted. "They really aren't *good*
for anything, just like their video game counterparts! And to really top it
off, it doesn't seem to have been programmed that entirely well. I keep
pressing the 'homing beacon' button, but nothing happens."*
    Washu blinked. "Are you sure that's a good id-"
    The SoL was suddenly hit by a barrage of energy beams.
    "Aw, NOT AGAIN!" Washu screamed as she was thrown to the floor.
    "Cambot! Gimme Rocket Number Nine!" Mike hollered.

[Rocket Number Nine]

    A menacing spacecraft hovered menacingly in space. It was roughly twice the
size of the SoL, and a hell of a lot scarier looking. Many gun barrels, most
likely the source of the energy assault on the SoL, were trained on the
Satellite. A beeping signal indicated the vessel was hailing them.

[Alien Vessel's Bridge]

    A humanoid cheetah dressed in what suspiciously resembled Klingon battle
gear sneered at the SoL's crew. "Puny Earth vessel! I am Kat Tor of the
Cheetah Spaceship, Active Enterprise! We demand you turn over our captive
comrade at once, and prepare yourselves to DIE!"
    *"Oh, um, hi Mr. Tor. I'm Mike Nelson of the puny Earth Vessel, um,
Satellite of Love. Nice to meet you."*
    *"And I am Washu Hakubi! But please, call me Little Washu!"*
The Captain blinked. "Right. Anyway, furless maggots, hand over the
prisoner now. We know you have him. We received his distress beacon!"

[SoL Bridge]

    "Wha? Oh, oh! You must mean Tom's suit here!" Mike hastily took off the
Cheetahman helmet, revealing Tom Servo's dome underneath. "He's not one of
you, though! There seems to be some sort of mix up!"

[Active Enterprise Bridge]

    The Cheetahman Captain pondered this, chin in hand. "Indeed."
    *"Yeah, these things happen, heh. Guess you'll be going, then?"*
    "Hardly, Mole-skin. We Cheetahmen do NOT make mistakes. So, we are honor
bound to annihilate you AND your planet before we continue on our journey to
kill and plunder for profit! It *IS* the Cheetahman way!" The Captain paused
long enough to clear his throat and issue a silent order to his crew behind
him. "Hope your insurance is paid up, monkey-boy. You have ten seconds,
nine... eight..."

[SoL Bridge]

    Mike had to think about that. "Actually, I think I let my policy lapse..."
    Washu, who had been holding a private meeting with the Nanoscope, leaned
over from the device and whispered to Mike, "Don't worry, Mike, I'll handle
it. I've done this 'certain death' shtick plenty of times before." She
looked at the image of the cheetah captain. "Oh, hey! Cat-guy! Isn't it
*also* your custom to accept a gift from your victims before you subject
them to a painful and humiliating death?"

[Active Enterprise Bridge]

    The captain blinked. "Not that I remember, but your odd premise seems
tantalizing enough that I will play along for now. By all means, red-haired
baboon, make your meager offering to me."
    Washu's knowing chuckle was lost on the Captain. *"Okay! I'll have m'boys
send it right over! Nanites?"*
    A handheld device popped into existence in the Captain's hands. "What is
this? A sacred symbol of the Auld Ones! An... an..." The Captain was too
choked up to finish, as he and the rest of the cheetah crew gather round the
little thing.
    *"That's right! It's an ACTION GAMEMASTER!"* Washu said cheerfully.
    "But... there are no batteries? How can we power this ancient relic?"
    *"Golly, how clumsy of me! I guess you'll just have to plug it in to your
ship's own power source using the car lighter adapter!"* Washu explained at
the same time the adapter sprang into being on the Captain's other hand.
    Eagerly, the Captain connected the wire to the Gamemaster, and the plug
into a power port that was on one of the ship's consoles. Breathlessly, he
flicked the power on.
    Every single light on the Cheetahmen spaceship dimmed to virtually nil. At
the same time, every single warning klaxon blared its warning.
    "Egads!" one of the crewmembers exclaimed. "Power levels at 50% and falling
fast!"
    "Quick, Captain! Pull the plug!"
    "I... I can't! It seems to be stuck! Like it was glued into the port or
something!" the Captain answered, now beginning to sweat.
    "Captain! Power levels at 5 percent! Shields, failed! Life support,
failing! The ship is about to implode, sir!!"
    All of the cheetah crew began to run around screaming, save for the captain,
who just looked dumbly at the thing in this hand that was quickly bleeding
his ship to death. He looked up to see on the only screen on his ship that
was still functioning- the view screen- the image of Washu Hakubi smiling
cutely and flipping him the middle finger. It was the last thing the Captain
ever saw.

[Rocket Number Nine]

    The Active Enterprise simply crumpled up like an old beer can, and slowly
floated away from the Satellite of Love towards the abyss of deep space.

[SoL Bridge]

    "... and THAT is why you don't mess with the greatest scientific mind in
the UNIVERSE! Bwhahaha!" Washu struck a triumphant pose.
    "Yeah, good work, Wash'. Mike, ya want to help me out of this thing?" Tom
asked, clearly unimpressed by the demise of the other spaceship.
    Mike brought a crowbar from behind his back. "Sure, little buddy," he said
as he pushed Tom and the mechanical suit off the bridge and out of sight.
    "Oh, and while I'm doing that, let's discuss my charge cards..."
    Washu sighed. "Well, *I* thought it was quick thinking."
    "They're just jaded, it's not you, man." Crow said comfortingly.
    "Eh, thanks. Now, you and I had better do another once over of the
Satellite, in case it was damaged! We'll start with the magnetrons...

[Fade to Black]

>>>>*ZAP!*<<<<
Crow: Wheee!


Jack Acid presents:

Well, hope you enjoyed the season premiere! With the original ten of my old
MSTings out of the way, I'm set to riff all new material- starting with the
episode you have just read!

Also note the change to the opening lyrics. They actually fit the tune now! ^^;

Incidentally, there were several references to the 'Puma Man' theme song. If
you haven't seen this particular episode of MST3k, follow the link in the
'special thanks' section to a .wav of Crow riffing the Puma Man tune, the
same way he sang a couple of riffs in this MSTing. Puma, Cheetah, what's the
difference, really? ^^

Special Thanks to:

The West Virginian, who found this gem for me.

Megane 6.7, for getting me on this MSTing kick, and teaching me all I needed
to know about MSTing. His web page and mine: http://www.nabiki.com/mst

Zoogz, my Webmaster and all-around swell guy, who also has his MSTings at
the above address. But if you found THIS MSTing already, you've already
found his and Megane's, right? ^_-

Himitsu, for her always valued C&C.

The good folk at #EcchiFanGirls, found at
http://www.geocities.com/ecchifangirls/ who are the source of some of my
inspiration. Even if they *are* perverts!

Haloflux, who is quietly nuts. Gotta love that!

Website #9's guidelines to Usenet MSTings. It came in handy...

Kajishima Masaki, the creator of Washu and Tenchi Muyo!, my favorite manga
of all time. All rights reserved. (I have previously attributed credit to Hitoshi
Okuda, but he only draws the manga. And a hell of a good job at it, I might
add!)

Best Brains, for screwing up my childhood (but in a good way) from age
eleven up to today, at twenty one. All rights reserved.

May the way of the Hero lead to the Triforce.


>separating the world into countries and cities as follows: The United
>States would be divided into 107 different distribution areas
>consisting of the 52 states.


Crow: ... whoa! Hello! We picked up a couple extra someplace?
Mike: I see geography *also* wasn't a strong point with these guys.
Tom: I don't think Puerto Rico or Guam really count as 'states' yet

Jack Acid Area
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