FFIRC MST: "Wild Silver", Francis Bourque

FFIRC Presents:

A MSTing of Francis Bourque's "Wild Silver", chapter 2
<A Sailor Moon/Ranma 1/2 Crossover>

Sailor Moon is owned by Naoko Takeuchi and all the distributors of her
work. Ranma 1/2 is owned by Rumiko Takahashi and all the distributors
of her work. Mystery Science Theater 3000 is owned by Best Brains, Inc.
"Wild Silver" was written by Francis Bourque <fbourque@abacom.com> and used
with his permission.

Frank yawned. Dr. F had placed him on twenty-four hour watch for bad fics,
and lately all the lists hadn't been posting much at all. He scrolled
through all of his web boxes and server boxes, waiting for the one fic
that Dr. F was looking for... suddenly...

"Hey, Dr. F! I found something!"

Dr. F looked up from a mass of Tinkertoys and a Chevy V-10 engine.
"Already? I wasn't expecting anything for... another few days or so. I
don't even have a decent invention put together yet!"

Frank smiled. "Bet they don't either, Dr. Forrester."

"Good point, Frank. Why don't we send them a bit of a surprise?"

***

"Tom, grab a wrench, three bolts, another tube of Krazy Glue, and a
pastrami sandwich on the double!" Joel called from beneath the bridge
counter.

"Joel, care to rephrase that? Unless you have my WORKING ARMS as an
invention this week!" Tom replied

"Oh, sorry... Crow!"

Crow buzzed in from the left side of the screen. "Ye-e-es, Joel?"

Before Joel could repeat the order, all the lights started flashing
crazily on the ship. "Oh no, we have fic sign!" Joel tried to straighten
up, only to hit his head on the counter on the first try.

"OWW!"

[6,5,4,3,2,1, Theater]

Joel entered the theater with Tom in his hands, and placed Tom in the third
seat from the right. As Crow appeared and sat in the far right seat, Joel
took his seat in the middle.

Joel: Ahh, guys? Remind me to watch that edge closer.
Tom: Poor little sissy-man can't take three head-hits in one week?

>Wild Silver - Chapter Two
>by
>Francis Bourque

Joel: If it ain't Bourque, don't fix it.
Tom: When The Lone Ranger's horse decides to drop some acid....
Crow: High-ho Silver indeed....

>Standards' disclaimers applied.

Crow: Great, now all we need is the Practices' disclaimers.
Joel: What happened to Poor's disclaimers?
Tom: Which standard disclaimer? There's plently of them out there....

>This is a Ranma 1/2 and Sailor Moon XOVER with possible
>cameo from other series. I don't own any of their characters or series.
>I would appreciate all commentaries about my fanfic.

Crow: One day I want to see a fanfic whose disclaimer says: "I own
all these characters. All you other fanfic authors are getting
letters from my lawyers."
Joel: "Rumiko Takahashi Writes a Fanfic"
Tom: That wouldn't BE a fanfic.

> Begun: 8 August 2000
>Last Update: 14 November 2000
>Version 1.01

Joel: <Author> One percent better than the last version? Rock on!

>Where can you find all future chapters?!

Joel: Nowhere. They haven't been written yet.
Tom: "Alpha! Half-Beta! Version! My Scrotum Explodes
Angellically! My Nostrils Engaged to My Thighs!"

>"Ranchan Totally Crossed Out": http://home.earthlink.net/~tannim/

Crow: They cut Ranchan from the team?!? What are they THINKING?!?

>See 'Old Soul 1/2' & 'Chaotic Switch' also available
>there as a Ranma 1/2 / Slayers / Sailor Moon or others
Crossovers.

Tom: What, he's not sure which characters are in his own fic?

>Chapter Two: "In the wilderness of space."

Joel: ... no one can hear you get attacked by a bear.
Crow: But does the bear take a crap in space?
Tom: I would make some joke about Ursa Major if I knew the Latin for
"defecate".

>[Throne room, Moon's Palace]
>
>A month later.

Tom: <Usagi> Could somebody hand me another magazine?
Crow: A month later than that last caption?
Joel: A month in the bathroom would make almost anyone irritable...

>"Anything new regarding Princess Serenity?" Queen Serenity asked
>Artemis, her temporary advisor. Artemis had been called back from
>Venus because Luna was busy taking care of Princess Serenity full time
>for the last month.

Crow: Thank you, almighty being of exposition explanation!
Joel: The Venusians, angry at having their advisor kidnapped, were
planning their assault on the Moon as we speak.

>The black cat was a pain too, what with her being in human
>form most of the time now.

Tom: <Luna> WHAT'DA MEAN I CAN'T PEE IN THE SANDBOX
ANYMORE?!? AND WHERE'S MY DAMN FANCY FEAST?!?

>The white cat with a yellow crescent moon on his forehead
>replied to his Queen, who was on her throne:

Tom: Wow, how'd Artsy manage to hold up a millon-ton moon on
his head?
Crow: <Artemis> No we DON'T have the latest version of Playgirl,
Serenity... you'll have to make do with your back-issues!

>"Nothing new, except 'Ranko', somehow, was able to attain
>lunar orbit. How she did that, I have no idea."

Joel: A short-haired girl wielding a wooden mallet was seen
lurking in the area....

>"That would probably be the gravity's belt we gave her when
>she asked last week." Queen Serenity said out loud, beginning to take
>for what her name really meant after a month of dealing daily with
>her training attempts.

Crow: <Serenity> Darn it young lady, you will NOT beat me up again!
I'm getting sick and tired of it!
Tom: <Ranko> Okay, mom. Tomorrow YOU get up first.

>'Who would have thought she meant to use a gravity's belt to
> aerial kata?' the Queen shock her head at the thought.

Joel: <Artemis> You know your majesty, if you would quit using that
cattle prod as a hair brush, you wouldn't have that problem....
Tom: Oooh, does Serenity have one of those chips like Cartman does
in the South Park movie?

>"WHAT! Sorry! Didn't meant to yelled. It's just that it
>isn't proper to give that kind of thing to a child of seven."

Crow: Child of Seven? I didn't even know Jeri Ryan was pregnant?!?

>Artemis complained, trying not to gave the impression than
>he disapproved of his Queen's gift to her daughter.

Tom: "I disapprove," he said, trying not to sound disapproving.
Joel: <Artemis> Oooh, I'm going to give you such a glowering!

>"That is of no concern. She has already the maturity of
>someone twice her age.

Crow: A fourteen-year-old? Big deal.
Tom: Yes, but only physically.

>The only problems is than she has a fixation on martial art
> and absolutely refuse to wear a Senshi's uniform."

Joel: So people that practice the martial arts, a discipline that
   requires the utmost in patience, skill and concentration, is a sign of
   inmaturity?
Tom: Oh no! She's showing signs of good taste!
Joel: Her legs aren't long enough for a sailor skirt anyway
Tom: That's a relief, we didn't need another Chibi-Moon wannabe...
Crow: <Artemis> Her words, and I quote, were: "I've already seen
   Sailor Moon R, and if you think I want to look like that spore,
   you got another think coming."
Tom: <Serenity> And thus the Law states: "Those with anti-fuku
   fixations must themselves be fixed."
Crow: Yes, that's the Fan Service Act of 1996.
Joel: I think Ranko is being very Senshible here.

>"Why would she has to anyway? Not like she could become a
>Senshi." said Artemis while he blinked a couple of times in confusion.

Crow: <Artemis> What the hell!?! My vision keeps blanking out
for a split second and... there it goes again! What's wrong
with... ohhhh, it's just my eyelids! I forgot I had them! Silly me!

>"She had informed me she will become the Moon Senshi eventually.

Tom: <Queen> But then, she is quite mad, after all....
Crow: If Ranko's got this sort of clairvoyance, shouldn't she be
the Senshi of Pluto?
Joel: How'd Ranko know about the senshi anyway? They didn't
exist in Ranma manga!

> We scanned her with the Silver Crystal and found out than
> her starseed has the potential for her to become one of the most
> powerful Senshi."

Joel: Or at least a sure fire hit on Broadway!
Crow: They must have discovered her on that show, Starseedsearch.
Tom: We also found out that if we position her right we can get the
Seahawks game too!

>"I found it suspicious for her to know all this. Did she
>gave any explanation?" asked Artemis with his usual lack of manner
>when in a strategic's situation.

Tom: What does that mean? He talked with his mouth full?
Joel: Minds your manner, Artemis!
Crow: <Artemis> C'mon, give up the gossip! I live for the stuff!
Tom: A kid with an identity crisis is a strategic situation?

>"Ranko only said she was feeling like Sailor Pluto at time
>like those." the Queen paused and added: "Sailor Pluto herself warned us
>about Princess Serenity's uniqueness."

Joel: There can be only one.
Tom: Thank god.
Crow: <Serenity> However, when she said that the Princess would
have webbed toes, I didn't think the situation would come to THIS...

>"I will have to ask Ranko about this then." Artemis conceded
>the point.

Tom: <Queen> Ha! Game, set, and match! I win!
Joel: <Queen> There's something about birds and bees that I
should tell you, my daughter...
Crow: <Art> Oh yeah? Who's gonna tell YOU?

>No way he would tried to second guess the Time's Senshi after all.

Crow: <Artemis> But Pluto's been wrong so *many* times before...
Joel: Times? What about Newsweek's Senshi?
Tom: Um, that's actually Time-Warner-AOL-Netscape-Six Flags-Life's
Senshi now, bub.

>"And in magic, any improvement?" asked the Queen.

Tom: <Artemis> Well, they signed Grant Hill and Tracy McGrady, but
   they weren't able to get Tim Duncan...
Crow: <Serenity> Aww, crap! They're out in the second round this
   year, I just know it!
Joel: <Artemis> Her magic's improving... a few minutes ago, she
   managed to pull a hat out of a rabbit.
Crow: Improvement in Magic? Yeah, they've managed to invent a Magic
   card that sells for $3000.

>"Luna progress with Ranko seemed good so far. She had
>tutored Ranko in magic, especially in healing spells.

Joel: <Artemis> There! The spells feel all better now!
Crow: <Artemis> But until she masters the cup and ball trick,
   she'll never headline with Penn and Teller.
Tom: <Artemis> It *seemed* good, for a while... but when Ranko
   started turning the bushes purple, we knew we needed another
   teacher.

>Ranko progress in them went very well so far. In other
>area, it isn't so good. In advanced magic's theories Luna didn't
>seemed to hold her attention without Ranko going to sleep.

Tom: <Artemis> And Wake spells aren't working either!
Joe: <Serenity> Don't worry, it's not the first time Luna's dealt with students
like that.... <smiles faintly>
Crow: ...she's two years past kindergarten! Cut the kid some slack!

>In protocol, it's even worse but Ranko had keep her
>previous knowledge in it at least.

Joel: Ranko has protocol? In what?
Crow: <Ranko> Don't beat up Teacher, or she might Happo Go-en-satsu
me... don't beat up teacher, or she might Happo Go-en-satsu me...

>And Ranko is still afraid of me when I say her this morning." Artemis
>completed his report about the Moon Princess.

Crow: <Artemis> Her this morning.
Tom: <Ranko> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Crow: <Artemis> Heh heh, works every time.

>When he saw the Queen only waiting for more, he resume with Rei.

Tom: <Queen> Gah?!? Rei, where did YOU come from?
Crow: More bestiality? Ick.

>"Now Rei is another matter. She tried to play with 'Ranko'
>at the beginning but gave up and had began to train along side her friend.
> Now I evaluated Rei to be as skill as a Guard, if not in strength.
> She even had been able to access her Senshi power with Ranko's help."

Joel: <Artemis> She had Ranko steal the Mars henshin rod from the vault...
Tom: <Ranko> Now, say "Mars Power."
Crow: <Rei> "Mars towel?"
Tom: <Ranko> "No, MARS POWER!"
Crow: <Rei> "Mark Schauer?"
Tom: <Ranko> "NOOO!"

>"Fire Soul's attack. A weak one but its powerful enough to
>be dangerous." said Artemis, 'for a cat' he didn't added.

Tom: Now mice, those are immune to that puny attack.
Joel: So Rei's a cat now as well? This whole kingdom's filled with
hazards for poor Ranma...

>Princess Rei didn't like to be spy upon.
>Artemis, having completed his report, was waiting patiently.
>Or tried to anyway.

Crow: <Artemis> Step it UP, sister... I gotta hit the box!
Joel: <Artemis> C'mon, c'mon! I want to go back to spying!

>"Very well done. Keep us inform more often than once a week
> next time." said the Queen and dismissed the white cat with a node.

Crow: <Queen> Here, shove this into your heart so I can dominate
   your will from now on.
Joel: Dat white cat hab a code in its node.
Tom: She started laughing maniacally and pelted poor Artemis with
   other human parts, making people wonder why they let the
   inbreeding in the Moon's royal family continue...

>Artemis bow to her and exited while muttering something about
>healing spells working on fur.

Crow: <Artemis> Dammit! I want the scars from this spying! I
earned 'em!

>[Training Hall, five kilometers away from the Moon Palace,
> sometime before]

Tom: ...the apocolypse, when the moon kingdom was unprepared
for the... ROBOT HOLOCAUST.
Joel: Neanderthals roamed the surface of the moon, saying such
witticisms as "Ugh."

>"Rei, could you come here, please?" Princess Serenity aka
>Ranko asked her best friend.

Crow: <Minako> Sure, I'll come over there... but quit calling me Rei!
Tom: <Author> You got that, everyone! They're BEST FRIENDS!
Hope you caught that cause I'm not mentioning it for another
paragraph or two!

>They both wear Gi, a red one for Rei and a white one for Ranko.

Joel: Suddenly I'm having flashblacks of Karate Champ....
Tom: Now playing the part of Ken, Rei! And taking Ryu's part will
be Ranko! Let's give a hand for our understudies!
Crow: Yeah, kick that horribly animated bull right in the chops!

>Ranko was presently examining a belt when Rei approached her
>from behind.

Crow: Seven year olds, goosing each other! Next on Ricki Lake!
Tom: Incoming Wet Willie!!
Joel: She put her arms around Ranko's waist and... took her
down to the mat for the three count!

>"What is it?" Rei asked Ranko after she got around her friend.

Joel: <Rei> I wanna piggyback!

>"My gravity belt. It's not enough anymore. I'm already at
>2.61G from Jupiter and I'm not ready yet for the 27G of the sun.

Tom: ...which means you should be a pile of dried goo on the ground.
Crow: Wonder if training in high G-forces would stunt a seven-year-old's
growth...

>Any idea how I could augment gradually in place of using
>celestial body's gravity?" Ranko asked Rei, looking at her expectantly.

Crow: <Rei> Guh?
Tom: Lordy, this dialog reads like a technical manual!
Joel: <Rei> I'm seven! I ain't no astrophysicist! Ask Carl Sagan!

>Rei was more aware of the technology then Ranko, being
>trained to be a priestess since she was five.

Joel: A Priestess trained to be aware of technology rather than spiritualism?

>"Can I see it please?"
>
>"Sure, take a look." Ranko pass the belt to Rei and was
>waiting for her to finish.

Tom: <Rei> Um... it holds your pants up, right?

>The belt was silver, not larger than 2 inch with a circular
>buckle and a yellow crescent moon on it.

Joel: And it can be yours for only $39.95!
Crow: Plus shipping and handling.
Tom: And we'll even throw in a compliementary Ranko plushie!

>"Let see, Ranko, you set this belt with moon gravity as a default.
>If you want to augment the gravity, you just set Earth
>gravity as the default and set the gravity setting for the Sun. That
>should give you:" Rei was calculating it from memory:

Crow: A headache?
Joel: A hernia?

>"let see, 27.9G multiplied by 1G multiplied by .16G for the
>moon should give you ... 4.46G as a result. A little better
>than 2.61G from Jupiter. Eu?" Rei had just stopped to see Ranko
>looking as if she was in great pain.

Tom: Looks like her life support was in that belt too.
Joel: Ah, this reminds me of my old high school math classes...
excuse me while I go jump off a bridge.
Crow: Her math teachings and gravity memorization must've been in
the same class as her technical help in her Priestess training...

>"Are you ok?" Rei asked her friend with concern.
>
>"Yeah, just a headache. Could you just set it up to 4G and be
> done with it, please?" Ranko asked her.

Crow: In other words, the Priestess kept her on hold for hours
with mind numbing elevator music occasionally silenced by a dry
monotone voice telling you to continue holding?

>"she's worse then Mercury, and she's just seven" Ranko muttered.
>
>"It's already set." replied Rei and pass Ranko the belt, not noticing
>Ranko muttering.

Crow: <Ranko> friggin fracken friggin fracken....
Joel: <Rei> That's enough out of you, Muttley!

>As Ranko had activate the belt, she had nearly been flatten
>in the dust.
>
>"AHHHH! That will take a while to become acostome to.
> One question though, how did you set another default then
>the moon?"

Joel: Is this "Dummies' Guide to Gravity Belts" or what?
Crow: <Rei> Default is in the stars... and stop mooning people.
Tom: <Rei> I only set the default. The moon sets itself.

>"Maybe your mother remove the spell that detect the
> current gravity?" Rei suggested.
>"I think I asked something like that when I told her about
>it, I just forgot to asked her about all the neat features."
>explained Ranko while she tried very hard to remained on her feet
>because gravity was heavier than usual.

Crow: Umm, gravity isn't heavy, is it?
Joel: No, it's Ranko who's heavy.
Tom: Too many cream puffs.
Crow: <Rei> Well, this gravity belt comes with optional Bat-a-rang
and two-way communicator...

>[Later. Moon Palace]
>
>After changing, the two friends were getting on their way to
>the Throne's room.

Joel: Why the Throne had to have its own room was beyond them.
Crow: <Rei> Remember, it's your turn to spray!

>"Rei, where did you learned all that stuff about Gravity's Belt?"

Joel: <Rei> It all began with this guy named Heisenberg...
Tom: <Rei> Oh, it's simple! Here, I'll give you a six-paragraph
explanation.
Crow: <Rei> Well, I met Gravity in a bar, and she showed me this
SOOO neat fashion shop...

>Ranko, now in her white Princess gown, asked Rei who was in
>a Red one.

Tom: A color pattern is definitely emerging...

>Ranko didn't like much to dress like that but she had
>learned early to follow some traditions or land in a lot of troubles,
>some times literally.

Crow: Just how do you interpret "troubles" any more literally than
you normally would?
Joel: <Serenity> Into the pit with you! And remember, if you don't
wear white you're going into the dumpster next!

>"I had been using one occasionally when I went to planets
>with heavy gravity in good part because Mars is only at .38G. I can't
>hoped to go out and suffer 1.0G or more and shopping, the packages
>would have been too heavy." explained Rei seriously.

Tom: <Ranko> Sure, yeah, whatever. *snore*
Joel: This fic is starting to sound more like a flawed senior
thesis instead of a crossover...
Crow: You're a princess. You have lackeys to carry packages.

>"Shopping? Yuk! More girls stuffs!" replied Ranko in a tone of
>horror in her voice.
>
>"You loved shopping. Last year on Venus you didn't seemed
>bothered by it." said Rei in surprise.

Joel: <Ranko> Duh! Have you SEEN this year's fashions? Like,
gag me!

>"Just say it take times away from my training." Ranko replied
>uncomfortable all of a sudden.
>
>No way she would explained Ranma Saotome to her friend.

Tom: And if she'd try, it'd take her about as long as Rei's
discourse on gravity...
Crow: After all, YOU trying explaining a martial art superman
aquatransexual that's afraid of cats to someone sometime....

>While they continue their trek through the Palace to the Throne room,
>they became lost in their thought.

Tom: Kinda dim, if they get lost in only one thought.

>"CCCCCAATTTT!"

Joel: <Spider-Man> CCCCAATTTT! Please take me back! Mary Jane
threw me out!

>"Hello Artemis. Please, don't scared Ranko like that." Rei
>admonished the white cat who was busy getting away.

Joel: <Artemis> Can't talk, gotta run!
Crow: <Rei> Stop him! He's getting away!

>Ranko had again taken root on the ceiling to Rei amusement.
>
>"He's gone now, you can get down." Rei said to her friend.
>
>"Yo, you suureee?" Ranko asked.

Tom: ...the Moon palace has sod roofing?

>"Yes, certain."
>
>"Ok" and Ranko dropped to the floor.
>
><CRACK!>

Joel: <Ranko> W-What?!?
Crow: <Rei> Crack. Your crack's showing. Hike your pants up willya?

>Or should have been the floor but at 4.46G she went through
>it instead.
>
>"OUCH! Why ME!" Ranko half yelled in pain from the
>sub-basement.

Crow: And Ranko learned never to let Rei pick out her accessories.
Tom: The other half was too busy trying to cough up her spleen.

>"Do you want me to call for your mother? A healing spell
>maybe?" Rei offered to her friend, barely restraining herself for
>laughing out loud.
>
>It wasn't the first times something ridiculous happened to Ranko
>after all.

Tom: The first time was when this fic started, coincidentally...
Joel: <singing> If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting... Times
after times....

>"a healing spell would do right now" said Ranko while she
>was in pain because of her left leg and arm she'd broken in the crash.

Crow: <Rei> Sorry, I only do Tech support.

>[Moon Palace, Throne room]
>
>"You wanted to see me, My Queen." said Luna in front of the
>throne of Queen Serenity.

Crow: Neglecting to notice that Queen Serenity wasn't actually there.
Joel: <Serenity> Luna, what the heck did that last scene have
to do with the plot anyway?
Tom: <Luna> Got me.

>"Yes, it had come to our attention than the Senshi of Mars has
> awakened sooner than expected. We want you to instruct both
> our daughter and Rei in their powers but don't activated them
> without consulting with us first" Queen Serenity told Luna and
> dismiss the black cat with a node.

Crow: I've got to look it up in the Owner's Manual first, you know....

>"Teach my daughter some more healing spells, she will need them."
>the Queen announced as an after thought to the departing cat.

Joel: <Serenity> And pick up my dry-cleaning!
Crow: <Ranko> Aw, come on! I've healed the crap out of everything!
I wanna inflict injury for a change!
Tom: <Serenity> 'Cause I'm gonna beat her to a pulp, oh, yeah.

>[Moon Palace]
>
>In the tutoring room, where magic was mostly the only subject,

Crow: The only other subject was tech support.

>we can find Princess Serenity aka Ranko and Princess Rei sitting
>gracefully for Rei and sleeping for Ranko. Luna was also present
>in human form.

Tom: Rei, always schizophrenic, was sitting gracefully and sleeping...
Joel: And it's here we learned that it takes eight hours of prayer
for the gods to grant us Cure Light Wounds....

>"Queen Serenity just asked me to teach you advanced magic"
>Luna stopped suddenly when she had constated than Ranko had fallen asleep
>as usual.

Crow: "Constated"? Huh?
Tom: The opposite of "prostated"
Joel: <Luna> But I see that you're busy studying advanced sleeping so
I'll just quietly put my head on my desk.

>'That girl sleep more while tutoring than in her own bedroom' thought
>Luna while searching the better way to keep Ranko awake more then five
>minutes at a times.

Crow: Try a yardstick! It worked for the nuns!

>"Ah, I got it. ... Breakfast!" Luna finished loudly.
>
>"Yatta!" exclaimed Ranko loudly, stand up and ran to the door.

Tom: <Door> No, you can't have my breakfast.

> "NOT SO FAST!" yelled Luna.
>
> "What? I'm hungry." protested Ranko, not slowing longer than
> she had too, and disappeared through the door.

Joel: <Door> Owie. I wish she'd learn to open me first.

> "Rei, I think you should go. No sense in giving this introduction
> in magic more than once." said Luna, resignedly.

Crow: <Rei> But I want to learn! I WANT TO LEARN!!!
Joel: <Luna> Get out of my sight, you overachiever!
Crow: <Rei> But I'm hooked on phonics!
Tom: Maybe you should give the introduction in English instead.

> *************
>
> Later...

Crow: ...after the snowstorm
Tom: ...a rather large alligator emerged from Lake Placid and ate
Betty White.
Joel: ...a large flock of birds annoyed the heck out of Tippy Hedrin.

> In the tutoring room once again, we can find Ranko and Rei relaxing
> on their seats, trying to follow what Luna was tutoring them about.

Joel: <Ranko> Ooooh...ahhhhh... I just LOOOOOOOOOVE these comfy chairs....
Crow: Sadly, since it wasn't about gravity belts, Rei was completely lost.
Tom: I call foul! Ranma never pays attention in class.

> Luna was in front of a board with images of henshin, the moon and
> other relate Senshi items.

Tom: And they can all be yours if the PRICE IS RIGHT!!!

> "So you see, Magic is all a matter of belief. If you believed
> you can do something hard enough and have the right kind of
> power to do it, you could do almost anything.

Crow: <Washu> "That's what being a scientist is all about!"
Tom "No, no, that's what being a magical elf is all about."
Joel: "That's right, Mr. Keebler!"

>Now, with the silver magic of Princess Serenity, we have healing,
> cleansing and reality alteration as basic powers plus a lots of
> alternates form of attacks. In Rei case, we have mostly fire
> attacks and with her prietess training, the use of wards again
> spirits and evils."

Crow: <Ranko> Rei, let's summon demons and conquer the Moon!
Joel: Spawning the Seven Year Olds against Thebes...
Tom: <Rei> Does that mean I have a magical Burt Ward attack?
Joel: <Rei> Holy heavenly powers, Batman!

>Luna had began her tutoring as soon as her two student
>had arrive and surprisingly Ranko hadn't fall asleep. Yet.
>
>"Yes Ranko?" asked Luna, surprise to see Ranko put her arm up like
>that.

Crow: <Ranko> Sorry, strained muscle.
Joel: <Ranko> I had too much coffee! Can I go to the bathroom?
Tom: <Luna> I didn't even know you carried a prothetic arm with you!

>"Can we transform without the 'fuku'?"
>
>"Could you, please, stopped using others languages?" Luna asked Ranko
>not for the first times because Luna had no idea what 'fuku' meant
>since it was said in Japanese and they didn't have the equivalent
>in any languages in used in the Solar System.

Tom: <Luna> Use English like the rest of us!
Joel: ...then why did Luna have "henshin" up on her chalkboard?
Crow: Aha! Plot inconsistency.

>"The Senshi uniform if you prefer?" Ranko clarified.
>
>"There is a possibility but not everyone can do it.

Tom: Yes, at this point in history, only the Juraians used Japanese.
Crow: Strictly speaking, they don't need the uniforms to transform,
they need the rods!
Tom: Not everyone can pull off the senshi look, it's more of a
summer thing.
Joel: Well, white after Labor Day....

>I never personally say such a feat but I have heard of a case three
> thousand years ago. I can't really instruct you right now
> without the broach in your possession. I will help you when
> the time come, ok?" asked Luna to Ranko.

Crow: <Ranko> You're half-assing it, aren't you?
Joel: <Luna> Yeah, big time.
Crow: <Ranko> Okay, thanks!

>"Ok, could I have a henshin like the other senshi?" Ranko insisted.
>
>"No, you can't. The reason why you have a broach is because the
> Silver Crystal can only be connect to such a device to work
> properly." Luna explained to Ranko.

Tom: It's not Linux-compatible.
Joel: Linux... doesn't that come with a security blanket? Oh wait... that's
Linus... nevermind.

>Luna was beginning to found hard not to yell, she already
>instructed Ranko on most of those matters before.

Crow: <Luna> Class? The Great Depression started in... anybody,
anybody? The Great Depression started in 1929 because... anybody,
anybody?

>"Why?"
>
>"AHHHhhhh!" yelled Luna in frustration, thought after
>thinking of it, she remembered she never got past that point in her
>explanations before.

Joel: So she's just getting frustrated for no apparent reason....
Crow: Well, no wonder Ranko can't learn anything! 'AHHHhhhh!'
is all she's been taught so far!

>"Ok. You know each henshin contain a fourth dimensional crystal
> to store magic patterns from attacks, special powers and basic
> transformations. In addition to that, we also have the link
> to your respective planet.

Crow: So THAT's why Sailor Mercury's so hot.
Joel: Or why Sailor Jupiter's so... uh... big.

>Now, to access the Silver Crystal, we need a crystal with fourth
>dimension to connect to the fifth dimension the Silver Crystal
>possess."

Joel: <Luna> And it in turn connects with the planets' cores, where
   the sixth dimension is stored, and that unlocks the secrets of the
   seventh and eighth dimensions!
Crow: "Industry, science and technology! Big men putting
   screwdrivers into thing, turning them... and adjusting them!"

>_______
>
>"Wow!" exclaimed Rei, who had never heard of a fifth dimension and
>only a basic notion on the fourth.

Crow: <Rei> Isn't that where Mr. Mxyzptlk comes from?
Joel: <Ranko> The Fifth Dimension? They're great! Listen to "Up
Up and Away", and you'll see too!
Tom: Hey, the characters can't be aware of fourth and fifth
dimensions - they're only two-dimensional!

>"That some kind of 'computer'?" asked Ranko, who possess only basic
>knowledge at best about such thing.
>
>"'Computer'?" asked Luna.

Joel: <Luna> You mean it lives in one city, and works in another?
Crow: <Luna> What, hamster-powered abaci aren't good enough for you?

>"I meant if the crystals serve as a memory of sort." Ranko correct
>when she had notice she had said 'computer' in Japanese.
>
>"We can called them memory crystal even if they are much more
>than that." Luna conceded to Ranko.

Tom: <Luna> We can even use it as a jump pack!
Joel: <Luna> They can be used to run servers and play games as well!
Crow: <Luna> They slice. They dice. They even make okonomiyaki!
Tom: Memory crystals... is there anything they CAN'T do?

>"Why we need them if they are just memories?" Rei asked curiously.
>
>"Ok, imagine you are a very powerful mage or sorceress and you want
> to become a senshi.

Crow: So you just cast the Spell of Senshification?
Tom: <Ranko> But what if a martial artist wants to?
Joel: <Luna> normally, you would have to have years of warrior
training, but instead you can use these henshin!

>Now, we need a permanent force field's spell, a disguise spell even
>if they aren't very useful in our case and enhancement of strength
>and speed. All those spells can easily take half an hour to cast
>because of their complexity.

Crow: <Luna> So get the all in one "Henshin"! Available at all
finer stores... and Menard's!
Joel: What's the going rate on renting force fields anyway?
Tom: I dunno. I think they're priced by the pound.

>Another problem is those previous spells would have depleted our
>reserve of magic and exhaust us greatly. Now, we have to teleport
>or run or any others thing we need to do, and fight to the death
>in most case?

Tom: <Ranko> You're asking me? Well, to be honest, fighting to
the death isn't as satisfying as fighting to WIN....
Joel: <Rei> We have to fight? I thought we just had pseudo-science
lectures all day long.
Crow: Anyone really seeing why Ranko's always asleep in class by now?

>Only Queen Serenity has that kind of power to pull it off. No one
>of the actual Senshis could at this time."
>
>"What a henshins give us exactly?" asked Ranko now than she found
>something interesting to learn.

Tom: <Luna> A brand new car!

>"A force field, disguised field, strength and speed enhancement,
> better sense of hearing, better vision, a cleanup, make-up where
> appropriate, jewelry, the senshi uniform with matching colors to
> your planets and the light show we have at the beginning which
> serve to hide your identity and blind or stunned the enemy."

Joel: Oh yeah. A girl is standing there, the lightshow happens, and
   a more-or-less identical-looking girl steps out. No way anyone
   would guess that they're the same.
Crow: Generally, anyone who sees the transformation is either an ally,
   drained of energy to the point of not caring, or about to be
   moondusted.
Joel: Well, it still doesn't hide their identity.

>"A little to much work without the henshins, I will keep it then."
>Rei commented.
>
>"And what about of the 'Fire Soul' Rei perform the other day?"
>asked Ranko.

Crow: <Ranko> I saw that performance. It was wooden and uninspired.
Tom: <Luna> Oh, that's just heartburn.
Crow: Better than the alternative of Rei lighting her flatulence...

>"That wasn't a senshi power but a basic fire spell. The fact than she
>was able to shaped it was only because you described it to her first."
>explained Luna to her two students and she added:

Tom: <Luna> and here's the fifty for frying Artemis.
Joel: <Rei> So, if Ranko describes "Thermonuclear Explosion" to
me, I can shape that too?
Tom: <Luna> Shhh! That's classified, you fool!
Crow: <Ranko> Ooh, the best way to get back at Rei! Let me tell
you of a certain "Pink Heart Sugar Attack"...

>"And also those memory crystal learned to use the power more
> efficiently the more you used them in relation with you.

Joel: So the memory crystal uses the power the more you use them
in relation to yourself so the crystal is more efficient? Huh?
Tom: I hate to pick on the author's use of English, considering
he's not a native speaker, but... huh?

> Not two people could use the same memory crystal because
> they are synchronize with you after some time and complete
> you in those area where you lack either focus, power or control
> which is why if you feel sick, you will have a harder time to
> use your power, though if you are always sick, the memory crystal
> would adapted to eliminate that sickness if it can through a
> general healing spell for example."

Joel: <Luna> Oh, and your power will fail completely once a month.
   Inverse-sensei will explain why.
Tom: This sentence brought to you by the Comma Council! Extend
   your thoughts, confuse your readers... with commas <tm>!
Crow: <Rei> So it can boost Ranko's brain power? Funny, never
   worked for Usagi...
Joel: <memory crystal> Memory crystal heals you for 500 HP!
Tom: And probably costs 150GP as well...

>"Wow, it sure make things simple to have an henshin. Hey Ranko,
> you heard me?" said Rei and asked her friend when she saw her asleep.

Crow: Poor Ranko. Not even she can keep awake for this fic!
Tom: And we're expected to?

>"What?" exclaimed Ranko looking around after awakening from her slumber.
>
>"Ranko, at which part were you before failing asleep?" Luna asked her.

Joel: <Ranko> Right after you said "Good morning, class."
Tom: Wait a minute, Ranko failing "Sleeping"?
Crow: She got penalized for snoring.

>"Euh. Something about 'synchronize' I think." replied Ranko,
>sorry to found out such an interesting subject was still enough
>to put her to sleep.

Joel: This classroom scene reminds me of school... in the way that
it seems to drag out endlessly!
Tom: It keeps going and going and going and going... *boom* *boom*

>"I see. I will continue from when you had fallen asleep then."
>announced Luna to a groaning Rei.
>
>Ranko was just trying the 'I'm just a cute Panda' kind of face.

Tom: <Rei> Why are you announcing it to me? *I* didn't fall
   asleep.
Joel: <Luna> Guilty by association! And while I'm at it, one
week's detention for questioning me!
Crow: <Ranko> No problem. I'll continue sleeping where *I* left off.
Joel: Heh, if Luna really wanted to keep Ranma awake, she'd teach
   as a cat.
Tom: I'm kind of hoping the writer doesn't repeat the whole
   explanation, but given the story so far...

>Though she didn't pull it off too well.
>
>She's better at the Kawaii attack.

Crow: That's when you look so nauseatingly cute that people end up
attacking you.
Tom: <Ranko> I learned this technique from P-Chan! Kawaii WAAAAAAAAAVE!!!

>********

Tom: It's the fanfic of the second-rate stars!

> A couple of months later...

Joel: Florida was *still* counting votes.
Crow: Ranko had finally managed to catch all of the lecture in three-
minute segments.

>[Earth, Royal's Training Ground]
>
>"Kunzite, how could you!" protested Jadeite, because he just learned
>he had been assign to guard Endymion, a job he always consider as
>babysitting.

Tom: <Kunzite> Orders are not open to debate! Now, go in that
kitchen and prepare our prince's formula while I powder him.
Crow: <Jadeite> At least if I were British, I'd be called a "minder."

>They both wear their grey uniform which made them look like they were
>in the military.

Crow: Mainly because they were.
Joel: But in reality they were two WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!!!
Tom: And both of them are wearing one uniform. How odd...

>"That not too bad. Your only job will be to save the life of anyone
> who would be stupid enough to upset Endymion because he could kill
> someone without trying." replied Kunzite to his friend from childhood.

Joel: <Kunzite> He's kooky that way.
Crow: <Kunzite> And if you want to be saved, make sure to wear a
clothespin on your nose before changing the little stinker!
Tom: <Endymion> You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

>"Talk about killing! The last one we had to unglue him from the
> ground. Endymion was sorry when that happened but he need to
> learn restrain and fast." lamented Jadeite.

Crow: Why can't we SEE any of this stuff?!?
Joel: <Jadeite> But that idiot courier looks funny with a piece of
sod glued to his back, let me tell you!
Tom: <Endymion> *sniff* I-I just can't get close to ANYBODY!!!
*sob, whimper*....

>"Don't exaggerated, they were only two thieves. You could just
> consider it as early justice." Kunzite tried to console his friend
> without much success.

Tom: <Jadeite> Hey, get your hand off my ass, pal!
Joel: So, they have the death penalty for theft in the Silver
Millenium?

>"And that dawn mallet is unstoppable!" added Jadeited without really
>listening to his friend.
>
>"You should be able to stop it by telekinesis." suggested Kunzite.

Joel: <Kunzite> Maybe if you stop using your head to intercept
the mallet swings?
Crow: Arrgh! Another fic that takes the mallet sight gag seriously.
Tom: Yeah, next thing you know, we'll get ANOTHER lecture by
Luna on Hammerspace....

>"That just it! Telekinesis don't work on that mallet and I tried more
> then once, and it wasn't magic or psi base either or even solid
> to begin with." Jadeite said in frustration.

Tom: It wasn't SyBase? What was it, Oracle? SQL Server? Access? FoxPro?
Crow: <Jadeite> It's as though the artist was just drawing it in
as a sight gag!
Joel: <Kunzite> So if it's not solid, why does it hurt... you pansy!
Crow: <Jadeite> Have *you* ever been hit by a metric ton of water?
Joel: <Kunzite> Okay, I'll give you a hair-dryer for defense!

>"Have you tried to stop his arms from moving?" inquired Kunzite,
>always the one to do most of the thinking it seemed.

Crow: <Jadeite> I tried but he just kept waving them in the air,
waving them like he just don't care!

>"Oh. Didn't thought of that except if I tried it, I risk to broke his
> arms. Endymion is way too strong to be stopped with minimal force."

Tom: So Jadeite *didn't* think of it except that he thought of it?
Crow: <Kunzite> Well then, why don't you use MORE force?
Joel: <Jadeite> Hey, no way I'm breaking a sweat against Tux-Boy!

>"Since that horse's accident he hadn't been the same." Kunzite conceded
>the point.
>
>"I almost prefer him when he was just throwing roses. Anyway, I have
> to go babysitting. Later." announced Jadeite and went to find the
> Earth's Prince of eleven years old.

Crow: <Kunzite> Oh, you mean that "accident" where the prince
ripped off the horse's head and drank its blood from the neck
stump?
Tom: <Prince> Mmmmm! Taste like Dog Food!
Crow: Wonder if it smells like glue too...
Joel: That's it! I'm calling the ASPCA on you two!

>[Moon Palace during a Royal Ball]
>
>"Princess, a plaisir to meet you." one more prince tried to take the
>hand of the Moon Princess aka Ranko...

Joel: <Ranko> But if you take my hand now, I'll only have one left!
Crow: <Ranko> And it'll cost more than a piaster to meet *me*, bub.

><CRASH!>
>
>... to kiss it.

Tom: <Ranko> Kiss my sound effect, Mister Plaisir!

>Instead he kiss the wall.
>
>Heey! its his loss.

Crow: <author> Trust me, taking the lips of a seven-year-old is a
much better idea!
Joel: <Ranko> Mousse, is that you?
Tom: So we *finally* get a tiny bit of action, and instead of
describing it, the author tries to impress us with narrator gags.
Crow: Well, that joke DID make me want to gag, so....

>"Princess!" Luna warned loudly her charge.

Tom: Dah, dah dah dah, dah dahhhh....
All: CHARGE!

>"Hey, not my fault, he was about to attack me. Just like Kuno, he had
> the same bearing, as if all he touch belong to him.

Crow: <Luna> And who's this "Kuno" person? Does he work for the Negaverse?
Joel: <Ranko> He gives haircuts to everyone! *shudder*

>I just save the guy the trouble of a beating."

Joel: Ranko beat him up to save the trouble of him getting a beating... huh?

>Ranko explained, Kawaii attack active at maximum.

Crow: <Luna> It's a "cute" attack, Princess! What have I warned you
about using gratuitous Japanese, young lady?
Tom: Like Luna would know what that is anyway, Japanese doesn't exist!

>"He just wanted to kiss your hand." Luna explained just in case
>an explanation was need.
>
>"Kissing! Sound like an attack to me." Ranko replied with disgust
>in her voice.

Tom: <Disgust> LET ME OUT!
Crow: <Ranko> I saw the episode of Star Trek with the salt vampire! I know!
Joel: Ranko's been playing Mortal Kombat too much if she believes that...
Tom: <Luna> Nonsense! Kissing someone can be a beautiful and
wonderful experience... unless they use tongue, in which case, it's
wrong, immoral and evil.

>'at least she didn't asked him if he was a crossdresser' Luna thought
>in defeat.

Tom: <Ranko> Oh and by the way, what was that guy? A crossdresser?
Joel: <Luna> D'oh!

>Ranko may be seventh near eight, but she still didn't like boy,
>'Yuck!' didn't even began to cover it.

Crow: "Bleah" and "If that loser touches me again, I'll pound him
flat" got closer.
Tom: <Ranko> I am not seventh! I am number one!

>And anyway, any boy who tried to kiss her would make a good dummy
>in her book.

Tom: <Ranko> I could learn a lot from a dummy.

>While the guest were dancing, talking, running for their live
>when they had tried to kiss Ranko or plainly being busy outside
>to ... admired the Earthlight above the horizon?
>
>Do we need to say busy with what?
>
>Ok, Ok! They were kissing like there were no tomorrow.

Crow: Hoo boy, narratorus interruptus.
Joel: For that matter, what exactly *is* happening in these
paragraphs anyway?
Tom: Somebody's kissing, and the only three characters introduced
in this part were Ranko, Luna, and the dummy prince...

>**************
>
>A little later...

Joel: Than what?

>Ranko was busy at other thing like beating her first Youma,
>nothing unusual.
>
>She was having a blast though the Youma was a weakling.

Tom: <Ranko> Picking on the weak is FUN!
Crow: And, of course, we come in *after* the action's over. Nothing unusual
there, either.
Joel: <Ranko> In the name of the Moon, I will punish you! Omigod... did I
just say that?

>"Princess! What did you do to the Prince of Venus?!" Luna protested
>the treatment Ranko just inflicted to said Prince.

Joel: <Prince> Ever hear of a place called Jusenkyo?
Tom: <Ranko> He double-dipped in the punch-bowl! I saw him do it!

>"That thing was a Youma, I just finished to beat the craps out of it."
>Ranko announced proudly.

Tom: Why is Ranko talking like a hoodlum from the 20's?
Crow: Because in her previous life, she was Edward G. Robinson.
Joel: <Ranko> Now I'm going to go to the speakeasy on Burwin!
Seeya later, toots!

>"That's a Prince, not a Youma." Luna tried to explained to Ranko who
>was just coming down from her high for battling such a monster.

Tom: <Ranko> I get so STONED from beating on people... ooh, lookit
the pretty colors!
Crow: <Luna> That was the transformation sequence, you dolt!
Joel: Can't he be a prince *and* a Youma? Don't Youma have royalty?
Tom: They only have queens, as far as we know...

>"Prince are 'yucky!', Youma look just plain evil. You can't say this
> thing isn't evil.

Crow: <Luna> "Must be a prince."
Tom: <Ranko> "How'dya know?"
Crow: <Luna> "'E 'asn't got shit all over 'im."

>Look at those big red eyes, the three of them, his big mouth full of
>teeth, his big black claws, the two set and all in black fur if I'm
>not mistaken. After all that try to say it's a Prince." Ranko explained
>each feature of the Youma she had just beat up.

Joel: <Luna> It's a prince.
Tom: And how could she be mistaken? Isn't black fur kind of obvious?
Crow: <Luna> Nice to know our future queen isn't afraid to judge
beings by their physical appearence....
Tom: <Luna> I have black fur, does that make me a Youma?
Joel: <Ranko> Yes, I kill!

>"That's just it, the Prince of Venus came to the ball thinking he had
>to bring a costume and he chose one of a monster." Luna had used up
>all her patience to explained this.

Crow: <Ranko> ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz....
Tom: Yes, dress up as a monster while visiting a kingdom that's
under siege...

>"Oh. I will just have to knocked him in the wall then."
>
>"I just expla..."
>
>"No, I meant if he's a Prince, I have to give the same treatment
>than the other. No favoritism." Ranko interrupted Luna.

Tom: Violent little minx, ain't she?
Crow: And as the Moon Kingdom's hospitals were overflowing with the
injured that day, many planets' rulers began wondering if
letting the youmas invade was a bad idea after all...
Joel: <Luna> Hokay, that's it. I'm going to find some lasagna
and sleep for the next few weeks.

>Even if Ranko was trying to save face for such a mistake, she sure as
>hell didn't want to dance with the hair head.
>
>He's Mina brother after all...

Crow: What, she only dances with bald guys?
Tom: <Ranko> Patrick Stewart, where are you?
Joel: Has Mina even been in this story yet?

>[Moon Kingdom, the next day]
>
>"Daughter, how did you like your first ball?" Queen Serenity
>her daughter.

Joel: <Ranko> Okay, I guess. But it punctured and all the air came out.

>They were both in Ranko's mother private bedroom.
>
>"That was good training. You have no idea how many dummy
>I saw there." Ranko joke lightly.

Tom: <Ranko> I can pull off light comedy better than Tony Danza!
Crow: <Queen> Who can't?

>"About that, I had received six complaints about you. You seemed to
> have knock out most of the Princes in attendance yesterday and badly
> beat up the Prince of Venus. Now we know you thought he was a Youma
> except, please, don't do it again.

Crow: <Ranko, under her breath> Damn, there goes that excuse...
Joel: <Queen> After all, we don't want to get a reputation like
a certain OTHER royal family I could mention....

>I don't think there will be any Princes left willing to marry you if
>you continue like that." the Queen lecture gently her hyperactive
>daughter.

Tom: <Ranko> ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz....
Joel: <Ranko> Now you're getting the idea, Mom!
Crow: <Ranko> Hey, I'm, like, seven here! Any prince that wants
to marry me is, like, icky to the max.

>"Good, I just need to scare the Earth's Prince and I'm done with that."
>Ranko replied, her mind more on her plan to ensure than no marriage
>would be arrange for her than to what her mother just say.

Tom: <Ranko> I don't need any more princes or stupid lectures!
Everything I need to know I learned in Kindergarden!
Joel: ...and when was she told that she already had a marriage
planned for her?
Tom: Unfortunately, she hadn't reckoned with... Prince Akane!
Crow: <Endymion> Ranko NO BAKA!!!!!

>****
>
>
>[Moon Palace]

Crow: The Moon Palace resturaunt gets four stars!
Joel: Come to the Moon Palace where there's plenty of pie and
cow viewing to be experienced!
Tom: The Moon Palace. Nice food, but absolutely no atmosphere!

>"You have something to report?" asked Queen Serenity from her throne
>to Luna, who had just entered by the doors.

Joel: <Luna> No, I just dropped by to see if you wanted to go to the
mall.
Crow: <Luna> Yes. The entire rest of the Solar System has
demanded the head of Princess Ranko.

>"Yes your Majesty. 'Ranko' had requested to go to Earth and I'm not
> in favor of such a voyage right now except she insisted than I asked
> you." said Luna, waiting for a replied in the negative.

Tom: <Queen> Bugger off.
Joel: <Luna> She said something about "Jusenkyo" and "being a guy
again"... I thought it quite strange!

>"What a good idea!" exclaimed the Queen.
>
>Luna nearly dropped from shock and only her belief in proper protocol
>permit her to wait for her Queen to elaborated.

Crow: <Queen> Can we make it a one-way trip?
Tom: <Queen> I need to see if this new allergy medication works
like they say it does! This is the perfect opportunity!

>"You don't seemed please. We intend to go with her and you will
> follow to continue her tutoring.

Joel: <Luna> That reminds me, I'd better bring along a thermos
of coffee for the princess....

> Artemis will remain here for the four days our voyage will take."

Tom: <Queen> He said something about needing to spy on Rei some
more...
Joel: <Queen> and then I'll be the fairest one of all! *insert
evil laugh*

>'Artemis as regent?!' Luna thought in alarm.
>
>A good thing black fur could hide her thought so well.

Joel: Luna IS Ninja Hello Kitty!
Tom: So, Luna *is* a youma?
Crow: <Ranko> Black fur! I attack! Prepare to be smited!

>"I will go give 'Ranko' the good new then." Luna replied reluctantly.
>
>She didn't approved of Princess Serenity change of name
>but when the Queen herself had accepted it...

Crow: Thousands of years of royal tradition, thrown out the window
at the request of one seven-year-old.
Tom: <Queen> You're right, calling every female child of the
family Serenity is a little boring....
Crow: <Luna> Argh, why can't that child follow royal custom?!?
SERENITY NOW!!!

>'Protocol seemed to went out of the window lately anyway' thought Luna
>while she went to announced the 'good new' to her charge.

Tom: <Luna> Huey! We've got a new guy for your band!
Joel: Good thing Luna's a cat, defenestration wouldn't hurt her
like it did to poor Protocol...
Crow: <Luna> Who needs such things as politeness and waiting your
turn anyway?

>******************
>
> A day later...

Joel: Luna finally arrived at Ranko's room.
Tom: <Luna> *gasps* I-I had to run all the way here or the
fanfic would've been over!

>We see the voyage of the Starship 'Star Emerald', in route to Earth
>with aboard the Moon's Royal Family, a black hair girl who's really
>a cat, a crew and a very big cargo hold, empty and ready to receive
>the shopping of Queen Serenity.

Crow: <Queen> Hurry up and fire up the engines! I've got to get
to Macys of Pluto before the big sale ends!
Tom: Oh, for a surface to space missile....
Crow: Where's Clutch Cargo when we REALLY need him?

> Will they have enough space? The Gods only know because Luna
>sure doesn't.

Joel: Is there enough space in space?

>Oh, and don't forget the twelves Moon Knight.
>
>We always forget about them anyway.

Tom: <Alex Trebek> You wrote down 'Threve'... a combination of
   three and five. And you wagered... Texas with a dollar sign in
   front of it.
Crow: They cloned Darien during his Moon Knight period?
Joel: Wow, the sense of narrative integrity is just so STRONG in
   this story...

>"When we eat?" Ranko asked Luna, who was in her human form.
>
>"We just depart from the moon an hour ago, can't you wait?" Luna asked
>and nearly flatten her forehead on the table when she thought how
>stupid that sound when 'Ranko' was concern.

Crow: <Luna> Ranko should have thought of that before we left Palace!
Joel: I'm beginning to think this guy would be great for writing
a story about Shampoo. He's got her speech down to a T.

><GRRRMMMMMmmmmm>

Tom: ...lock say this fanfic sucks!
Crow: Foley... by Axel Foley.
Joel: The readers are restless...

>Ranko stomach wasn't to be ignore or restrain either.
>
>"I packed a snack in my subspace pocket just in case." said Luna
>and began to extract said snack from said place to deposit all
>of it on the table between them.

Crow: Ah, I see Luna's discovered 'Dinnerspace'
Joel: Of course, in zero-g, Luna's going to have problems
recovering from that backflip--especially since she's in human
form.

>"Let see... a dozen sandwiches, a cake and lemonade for ten.
> That should be enough for you to survive until we reach Earth
> in fifty minutes." Luna announced to Ranko who was ignoring her
> completely while she was eating all the sandwiches in record time.

Crow: <Luna, sighing> Oh well, at least she's not sleeping....
Tom: <Ranko> ZZzz.. snarf, gobble... ZZzzz...
Joel: Sadly, the Guinness Book of World Records would not be
published for another thousand years.

>The cake soon follow and the lemonade found the cake a couple of
> seconds later.
>'What a lack of manner. You had think she was afraid than someone
> would try to steal her food' thought Luna, not knowing she was
> right on it for once.

Crow: Just then, Queen Serenity enters and starts to take the food
from the table...
Tom: <Ranko> Hey! Get off my plate! Can't ya see I'm trying
to eat here!
Joel: <Queen> The path of the true Moon Princess is fraught with
peril, Ranko.

>[Earth's Palace, outside in front of it]
>
>"We go shopping today!" half said, half ordered Prince Endymion to
>the four Earth's General before him.

Crow: Ah, finally! Proof-positive that Tux-Boy is only half a man!
Joel: So this is Endymion One Halved?

>"Shopping! Great!" exclaimed Jedeite with false great enthusiasm.
>
>"Good idea, I needed some cooking ingredients anyway." added Neflite.

Joel: <Neflite> I've got an Iron Chief competition to win!
Tom: Neflite? It's a Nuke 'em Till They Glow cameo!
Crow: Nephrite's cordon bleu brother.
Tom: <Jadeite> So which am I? Jedeite or Jadeite?

>"yeah, fun" muttered Joycite.
>
>"Where to my Prince?" asked Kunzite.

Joel: <singing> I've got that Joy, Joy, Joycite, down in my heart!
Down in my heart, TO-DAY!
Crow: <groans> Oh, go sit on a tack!

>He was the only one who was still calling Endymion a Prince since
>the horse's accident.

Crow: How is Wilbur doing anyway?
Tom: Still decapitated, last we heard...
Crow: Bummer. What's for lunch?

>Event if Endymion felt uncomfortable when called that ever since.
>"The one near here should do. Lets go!" announced Endymion and
>without waiting does just that.

Crow: The one what?
Tom: Dammit, Endymion says he's going to do something and he DOES
it!
Joel: <Endymion> Prepare to move out!
Crow: <Kunzite> Preparing to move out, sir!
Joel: <Endymion> Move out!

>[Earth's shopping district]

Tom: Oh, that narrows it down.
Joel: All three blocks of it for the whole planet.

>After a walk of fifteen minutes, the five men reach their
>destination, some more happy than others.

Crow: <Nephrite> It's our destination! Yippie!
Tom: <Zoicite> This sucks!
Joel: <Jadeite> Praise Metallia! Uh! I mean... Praise Beryl! NO!
Let me try again!

>"Ok boys! I will go with Neflite. I need to buy cooking ingredients
>too for tomorrow!" when Endymion said that, all the other men got a
>look of total horror except the Prince who didn't see it, forgetful
>of such thing.

Tom: <Endymion> And while I'm at it, a few nice dresses! this
   tuxedo sucks!
Crow: <Nephrite> Ahh, Prince, you are aware that the Palace has
   chefs by the dozen and cooks by the hundred... we really don't
   need another.
Joel: Wait a minute, Endymion said something that all the other men
   were horrified by except "the Prince", which is who?

>"To make its up to you, I will cook diner tonight." he added,
>took Neflite by his arm and nearly left Neflite behind without
>said arm.

Tom: Oh my god! He’s going to torch some poor restaurant!
Crow: <Endymion> Neflite, come with me! And you, Neflite, touch
me again and I'll break your arm, you hear me?!

>"YEeehhhhh!" was the only sound heard from Neflite
>while they disappeared in the populace.

Tom: <Endymion> I'll hollow out this shopkeeper and live in him...

>"You heard him." said Kunzite to his two remaining friends.
>
>"Yes, we have to find a hole and never come out." Jadeite complained
>again.

Joel: <Zoicite> But all the good shopkeepers are taken!
Crow: <Jadeite> You never know when Jedeite is going to come back
and get us!
Tom: <Kunzite> I wonder if we could crash at Peter Rabbit's digs?
Crow: <Jadeite> Nah, that McGregor dude would just call the cops
on us again....

>"No. We buy more medicines against poisoning and other hazard of our
> Prince's cooking." corrected Kunzite, always the practical one.

Tom: Yeah, like when it tries to claw its way out of your throat before
settling for giving you excess stomach acid for a month....
Joel: <Kunzite> Our Prince's food is both poisoning and bad for
your stomach. ...Er, never mind.

>"That too, but did they have such powerful anti-poison?" asked Jadeite.
>
>"No, but I intend to take some before and after we eat and some more
>before bed." replied Kunzite.

Crow: Of course, that much antitoxin is itself also poisonous....
Joel: <Zoicite> If it helps, my doctor says Mylanta.
Crow: <Kunzite> But Tums has calcium!
Tom: <Jadeite> Guys, guys, you're forgetting... Rolaids spells relief!

>"Zoicite, could you buy what we will need? three dozes each and an
> extra set for Endymion in case he try to eat some?" ordered Kunzite
> after turning to look at Zoicite expectantly.

Crow: So Zoicite's visiting the Sleep Store.
Tom: Why not? I hear Ranko does her shopping there.
Crow: Well, I've heard that Akane's food is the cure for hypertension...
you'd die of starvation first!

>"Sure, I'm on it!" replied Zoicite and disappeared in the crow a
>second later.

Crow: I beg your pardon?!?

>"What we do now?" asked Jadeite.
>
>"You continue to complain, you are so good at it, and me I will
> go have something to drink." Kunzite replied and went to do just
> that before Jadeite could complain.

Tom: The author's got Jadeite's character down to a science, eh?
Joel: <Jadeite> Fine. I got an offer from Sixty Minutes II, since
Andy Rooney is getting past it...

>"HEYY! COME BACK HERE!" yelled Jadeite, attracting the attention
>of most of the crow.

Crow: I think my feet are paying attention. The rest, though...

>He stopped and wished he could do the trick of pulling out a sigh
>with on it 'I'm just a cute Panda' like in one of Endymion's weird
>stories.

Joel: How hard it is to take a deep breath and release it in a
depressed manner?
Tom: Maybe he could just complain some more, he seems talented at that.

>[Starport]
>
>Aboard the Starship 'Star Emerald'.

Tom: Starstarstarstarstar
Crow: why do some of the transitions rate stars and the others don't?
Joel: Maybe the author is grading them on interest?
Crow: More like a curve.

>From inside the ship, near the exit.
>
>"Daughter, we will go to our suite at the Inn first and later
> we will go shopping. Anything you want to buy, asked Luna
> for the money and get six of the Guards with you."

Crow: <Luna> What, we're spending *my* money? Doesn't her Royal
Sleepiness have her own allowance?
Joel: This entire fanfic is just lectures and shopping!

>"Joy! Mom, can I beat them up too?" Ranko inquired, the Kawaii
>look at full power.

Joel: Ah, yes. Ranma always loved to pound people into mush
indiscriminately...
Tom: If kawaii looks could kill....
Joel: Well, this one actually has a license to maim.

>That didn't work on her mother but always surprise Queen Serenity
>by it intensity.

Tom: Like a heat lamp turned to 250 degrees... Kelvin.
Crow: <Ranko> One of these days, mom... Bang! Zoom! To the moon, Serenity!
Joel: <Queen> Ack! Don't *do* that!

>"Maybe later," her mother finally replied playfully.
>
>As playfully as a Queen could get anyway.

Crow: <author> Y'know, tis' cute and all.
Tom: <Queen> I can as be as playful as YOU want, baby.
Crow: <Queen> Now, Ranko, let's play "Off with their heads!"
Joel: And so, another day passes in the annals of Moon history,
with the Crown Princess fast on her way to becoming a sadist and
the Queen herself feeding this habit.

>[End of chapter Two]

Tom: Yay.

Joel and the 'bots returned from the theater to the red flashing light
on top of the counter. "Sirs, what's up with the early experiment?"

"Oh, the lab rats speak?" Dr. F returned with a sneer. "I figured, 'Why
be predictable?' It seems that once that red light goes off and we do the
Invention Exchange, you three already have your defenses up for another
go-round in my little Theater of Joy..."

Tom grunted. "He's got a point, Joel... that thing sucked, and I
really wasn't ready for it!"

"Hey! What about fairness! At least give us a sporting chance!" Crow
pleaded at the screen.

"Sporting chance? You didn't get enough *yet*? Don't worry, I'll get
that fanfic that breaks your wills before you know it. BWAHAHAHAHA!!
Frank, hit the button!"

--- POOF! ---

"But I didn't get to show you my invention... and I've been bumping my head
over it all week!"

Thanks go to Francis Bourque, who graciously gave us permission to MST his fic.

Come visit FFIRC! It's a great place to hang out and talk fanfiction. If you
have a Java-capable browser, you can connect to http://irc.bachman.edu:8080 .
Or, connect with an IRC client to bachman.newberry.edu, port #6667 & join #fanfic!

You can see our past MST projects at http://www.nabiki.com/mst/ffirc/
Other collaborations are at http://www.ryo-oh-ki.net/ffirc/projects/

Credits:
Opening/Closing segments:   Zoogz
MSTing: Alan, BlueMeanie, Brico, DarkAlpha, Fido, Gary, Ginrai, Hotaru,
          Knight, Latin_D, Lerche, Megane 6.7, Murmur, Nanashi, Rakhal, Ryo,
          SKJAM!, Warhammer, Zoogz.
Editing: Gary, Megane 6.7, Zoogz.
HTMLizing: Zoogz

>"Joy! Mom, can I beat them up too?" Ranko inquired, the Kawaii
>look at full power.

Mystery Science Theater is (c) 2000, Best Brains, Inc.
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