Joel walked towards the bridge with a spring in his step,
along with a curious Crow and Tom.

"Okay, we bite," Crow asked. "Why are you so happy
today?"

Joel just smiled wryly as he showed off the small bottle
of perfume he was carrying to Tom and Crow. "You're going into the
door to door perfume business, Joel?" Tom queried as he looked at
the bottle. "It'd be kinda of hard to make money up here though
I wouldn't mind a few of the 'Avon for Robots' line...."

"No, it's my invention for this week," Joel answered as he sat
down in front of the view screen. "It's Shoujo Amour and it'll be
sure to knock off Dr. Forrester's socks."

"So what does this baby do?"

"Why it gives you a case of 'Shoujo Eye Syndrome,'" Joel
triumphantly exclaimed, "just like in that episode of Urusei Yatsura.
Here, let me demonstrate on Crow."

Crow T. Robot barely had a chance to react before he was
sprayed with Joel's 'Shoujo Amour' formula. The flowery-smelling
liquid was quickly absorbed by his metal body and began to produce
instant results, his eye sockets suddenly doubling in size and
sparkling in an unnatural fashion. Crow tried to open his mouth
to protest, but the only words that could escape was a cute lil'
"Doshio."

"How terrifying," Tom said as stared at Crow's new eyes. "And
the point of this invention is?"

"Well, we'll use this on Dr. Forrester and get him to let
us go free in exchange for the cure," Joel replied.

"Yuu!" Crow cried, his eyes starting to water up like a little
girl on a verge of a temper tantrum.

"Don't worry, Crow," Joel said as he placed the bottle of
perfume down on the counter. "It'll wear off in a while and you'll be
back to normal in a bit."

Tom chuckled. "I dunno, I kinda of like him like this, Joel."

Crow screamed, or tried to scream at least. Given his current
condition the best he could manage was an understated "Mou."

It was at the moment the view screen flared to life, the face
of a smiling Mazoku priest filling the whole screen. "WASABI!"
Xellos yelled, holding the final syllable for a few seconds.

Joel just started at the screen in shock for a few seconds before he
managed to reply with an understated "Huh?"

"Oh, come on," Xellos said as he walked away from the screen, "You're
supposed to say Wasabi back now. So let's do it again and get it right:
WASABI!!!!"

"Wasabi," Joel and Tom replied in less than enthusiastic voices.

"Tuxedo Kamen-sama!!" Crow exclaimed, drawing weird looks
from everyone around him.

Xellos sighed as he looked around the room. "Oh well, that's
good enough for now. Anyway, I suppose you're wondering what
happened to Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank."

"No, not really," Joel answered.

"Well, you see they wanted a vacation so they asked us to
fill in and torture you today." Xellos pointed off screen for a
second. A few seconds later, Nabiki walked in carrying a cell
phone up by her ear.

"Yes, we'd like two large Pizzas with the works sent
to the super secret Laboratory of Dr. Forrester," Nabiki
said, "and please charge it to his credit card account!!"

Joel just groaned as he looked up at the screen. "Oh no,
don't tell me we're in a cheesy crossover fic."

"But, Joel," Xellos exclaimed as he turned his attention
back to the view screen, "haven't you ever wondered what
it would be like to have your film and fanfic sessions
hosted by different people?"

"Wouldn't it be the same?" Joel shot back.

"I don't know, I wouldn't mind having these sessions hosted
by the Fonz," Tom added in.

"The Fonz?" Crow sneered in disdain.

"What's wrong with the Fonz? He's cool man!" Tom exclaimed.
"I'd love to have a leather jacket like him!"

"You see, your robotic friend has the spirit," Xellos
said before he wandered towards Nabiki. The two whispered
to each other for a few seconds before Xellos came back on
screen and continued. "Anyway, to celebrate the first crossover
session we decided to start off with a special crossover
fic!!!"

"Let me guess, A Ranma/Slayers crossover?" Joel asked.

"Why, how'd you guess?" Xellos replied in mock amazement.
"Anyway, today's fic is Redheads by Robert Haynie, A.K.A.
Kenko. I'm sure you'll find it to be quite an unpleasant
experience."

"Hayama!" Crow cried out as the alarms and sirens started
to go off. "We've got a fanfic, people!"
 

* * *
 

Deep 13

As the screen blinked out Xellos turned to Nabiki. "So
do we have all of his credit cards, Nabiki?"

"Yes," Nabiki answered with a smile on her face. "We even
have his Discover card."

"Excellent," Xellos exclaimed. "I believe I will order
that new TV now...."
 

* * *
 

The lights dimmed as the trio settled down for the
fanfic. Crow's had returned to their original size but
they still retained the sparkly appearance from before.

"You see, I told you it'd wear off," Joel explained to
Crow. "You just need to have more faith in my inventions."

"Faith!" Crow protested, "You didn't have to put up with an
overwhelming urge to start chucking around roses while fighting
bad guys in a Tuxedo!!"

"I'm sorry," Joel responded, "And be careful... Somebody
might take you up on that idea and make a fanfic out of it."

"Hush," Tom interrupted, "The fanfic is about to begin."
 

>Redheads
>A Slayers/Ranma 1/2 crossover fanfiction thingy that's silly
 

Crow: As opposed to that OTHER Slayers/Ranma 1/2 crossover
fanfiction thingy that was SO deadly serious that the entire
cast DIED from testicular cancer and massive head injuries?

Tom: Didn't Tom Green have a cameo in that?
 

>(Each redhead and their respective related people
>are copyright the correct redhead owners.)
 

Tom: The Brunettes?

Joel: No, the Blondes.

Tom: Ahh....

Crow: <P.A. Speaker> Attention! Would the owner of a 1980 Pontiac
redhead, measurements 32-25-36, please report to the parking lot....
 

>Chapter Three: In which two redheaded people try to teach each
>other something, while the other two do something similar.
 

Joel: Hey, could you be a little more vague, please? There's too much
information in that sentence for my poor brain to comprehend!
 

>Also in which predictable chaos, mayhem, and the occasional spurt of
>sheer lunacy occurs.
 

Joel: Predictable chaos? Isn't that an oxymoron?

Tom: <author> All right! Let's fire up the cheesy 70s funk
music and break it down like the Slickster now!

Crow: Jive Soul Bro, baby! Yeah!
 

>(Good one, Lina,) thought the crimson-haired sorceress to
>herself.
 

Crow: <author> Did I mention there were redheads in this story? Let me
restate that....

Tom: Will Lina teach something to someone else and vice versa or just
do something similar? Place your bets, everyone! Place your bets!
 

>(Ask your psuedo-cousin perfect bodied doppelganger from another
>flipping dimension to train you in some mythical unarmed fighting
>style. REAL bright idea.)
 

Tom: <Lina> But it's not mythical, we fought martial artists
in Slayers Next!

Crow: <Lina> I wanted to be trained in the art of *origami,* dammit!

Joel: <Lina> Bah! Who needs fighting when I can waste 'em with
the Dragon Slave!
 

>It wasn't really that the idea was bad. And Lina had known
>that combat training of any kind would be at times uncomfortable--
>after all, that's why they called it combat.
 

Crow: Yes, com-bat. Clearly etymologically traceable to "being
uncomfortable".
 

>Constant was another thing. Apparently, "Cousin" Ranma
>considered EVERYTHING training, or at least an opportunity to do so.
 

Tom: <Ranma> Hey, Lina! I'm going to go hit the can and practice
peeing for a hour! My bladder could really use the training experience!
 

>And since she wasn't planning to stay in this reality for very long--
>no longer than she had to-- she apparently had decided to make it a
>crash course.
 

Crow: Oh, and did you know *crash course* is etymologically traceable
to *fine dining*? It's true!
 

>This meant you didn't walk on the road if there's a handy fence,
>something to act as an obstacle course, or at the least bracken
>to hop over. Not struggle through-- hop over.
 

Joel: Bracken? BRACKEN? Who talks like that anymore?

Tom: <Lina> What do I look like, a cabbit?!? I hop for nobody, pal!
 

>Then there was the fact that Lina was carrying a pack. Usually, Lina
>didn't carry a pack.
 

Crow: Usually it was a carton, or a case.

Joel: Hey, at least she's trying to cut down.
 

>She had Gourry carryone,
 

Joel: Gourry carryone, Eskimo Bellboy!
 

>often, but she didn't. She used simple magic to hide things in an
>extra dimensional pocket... but she didn't actually CARRY anything.
 

Tom: ...including this story.

Joel: <Lina> Dammit! I've got ultra sensitive palms and professionally
manicured fingernails to worry about!
 

>Her usual opinion of luggage was that luggage was someone else's
>problem. She had explained all of this.
 

Crow: ...just now, to us, as if we cared.

Joel: Lina followed the Princess Vespa guide to luggage etiquette.
 

>Ranma had retorted with comments about upper body strength,
>stamina training, and self reliance. Ranma had said that body
>toning was essential. Ranma had said that magic was a fine thing,
 

Tom: Then Lina had replied with comments about being treated like
a lady, the importance of being a gentleman, and chivalry. Then Lina
pummeled Ranma until he carried her stuff.

Crow: Crude... but effective.
 

>she supposed, but in the Art (Lina could HEAR the capitals) it was
>also a crutch, and that Lina needed to start walking, metaphorically,
>on her own.
 

Tom: Yes, you too can take part in the wonders of the
backpack workout for only three easy installments of $19.95!!!

Joel: So why are they bothering to learn each other's arts anyhow?
It's not like you can master either Anything Goes or sorcery in the
time Ranma's likely to be around....

Crow: If Ranma ever even figures out why he's THERE. Which will
probably happen as soon as the WRITER figures it out.
 

>Well, what Ranma had ACTUALLY said was "Look, you wanna learn
>the Art? Well, with those spindly arms and weak legs you ain't
>gonna. You got to build up. And Magic's cheating."
 

Tom: <Ranma> Who needs silly magic anyway? I'll just give that
hellmaster a karate chop! HI-KEEBA!!!

Joel: You mean to tell us Lina's never done ANY physical training?
I find that a bit hard to believe.

Crow: Yeah, she's only, what? A master swordfighter?
 

>Result-- Lina was carrying a pack. A heavy one. Well, heavy
>to her.
 

Tom: <Lina>You mean I can't just cast my "Charles Atlas" spell and
bulk up? Oh, poop!

Joel: And of course walking all over the world doesn't do anything
for your legs.
 

>It didn't help that Ranma was carrying twice as much as she was
>and not even breathing hard. Or Akane the same. Or Gourry the
>same.
 

Tom: Or the more things change, the more they STAY the same...
 

>The three physically trained people were chatting about how sensible
>it was to carry enough supplies.
 

Crow: <Lina> Foolish mortals! Bags of holding are for the weak!
WEAK!!!

Joel: Yeah, it's more sensible to carry around lots of heavy
stuff than to conjure it up out of nowhere magically when you
need it.

Tom: After all, ambushes are much more sporting when you have heavy
packs getting in the way....
 

>The not physically trained person was not joining into the
>conversation because she was short of breath.
 

Tom: Fortunately, her mental training was still sharp as she conjured
up a flying carpet with a frosty six-pack and left the physically
trained people in the dust.

Joel: <Ranma> Fine, be that way! You're only hurting yourself, Lina!
 

>Ranma talked about speed. The Art was also abou speed, she
>said. And Lina was too slow.
 

Tom: Not quite as slow as this scene, mind you, but....

Crow: <Lina> Well of course I'm too slow! This !#$!%#%! pack weighs
a ton!
 

>Ranma hadn't started her on anything about speed yet, but had
>mentioned frightening things about hornet's nests and wolves.
 

Joel: <Ranma> You see, Lina, when a hornet and a wolf love each
other very much....

Crow: Ah, the old wolves and the bees speech, eh?
 

>And the falling stuff... how to fall down without getting hurt
>by the fall. Ranma taught her how to fall down on the ground. That
>was, actually, fairly easy.
 

Tom: <Ranma> First, you find a banana peel and then....

Crow: Ranma was the ideal teacher for this since he was known for
being a Legend of the Fall....

Joel: Gee, considering how incompetent the author's made Lina, I'm
surprised she isn't missing the ground....
 

>She then moved Lina to fences. Lina hadn't quite got the hang
>of that yet.
 

Crow: <Lina> Dammit! No matter how much I teeter, I just can't fall
off this fence!

Joel: <Ranma> Well, keep practicing! Remember, gravity is your
friend!
 

>Lina was beginning to wonder if this was all some twisted joke.
 

Tom: No, if it were a twisted joke it would begin: "A Jew, a
lesbian and Lawrence Welk walk into a bar...."

Joel: <Tom Petty> You can't make jokes about Lawrence Welk!

Tom: Oh, sorry....
 

>It wasn't any better that Ranma's insane training methods were
>apparently working.
 

Crow: <Lina> I mean, really! How do you expect me to scoff at
your stupid training when it's proven so effective, Ranma?!?
 

>Lina wasn't still very clear about what Chi was-- and Ranma's
>indistinct explanations didn't help-- but she had the unsettling
>feeling that she WAS getting in touch with a part of herself that
>she hadn't known about before.
 

Crow: <smirks>

Joel: What's on your mind, Crow?

Crow: Huh? Oh, er, nothing! Nothing at all!
 

>Her endurance was improving, her speed was increasing.
 

Crow: For those of you playing the Redheads drinking game, it's one
drink every time the author uses a verb other than "was."

Joel: Aw, come on, a drinking game is supposed to *get* you drunk.
 

>This meant that she was only ninety percent exhausted instead
>of the one hundred and fourteen percent of the first week of travel.
 

Crow: Investors in Lina Enterprises were panicking big time and
leaping out of windows as Lina's exhaustion went down 24% this
week....
 

>This was the second week. And it was a easy two month journey to
>Sailoon.
 

Tom: Sailoon? Sounds like a bar for sailor senshi....

Crow: And perhaps by the time we get to Sailoon, we'll have had an
actual scene.
 

>Worse, to both her and Lina's surprise (Lina hadn't actually
>expected Ranma to learn anything real)
 

Joel: <Lina> Yo, Ranma, let's keep it real, all right?
 

>Ranma had some talent for the Art Arcane. In fact, Ranma had
>managed to learn one actual honest to goodness spell.
 

Joel: Conjure cold water out of thin air? Oh wait, he already knows
that one...

Crow: Good thing it wasn't a nasty lying evil spell.
 

>That spell was Lighting, the all time most innocuous spell in history.
 

Tom: Though it does come in handy when setting the mood for a date
or when you lose something under the bed....
 

>But it normally took a neophyte YEARS to learn even that first
>spell. Ranma had learned it in a week. Ranma had a talent for
>learning that was SCARY-- as long as Ranma was interested
 

Crow: Of course, the fact that Lina had suspended him upside-down in
a pit of acid had increased Ranma's *interest* tremendously.

Joel: And, of course, Ranma making his first spell discovery isn't
important enough to be shown on-screen.

Tom: Well, of course!
 

>Theory of magic? Ranma couldn't understand it all. But she had
>a definite talent as a practical Magus. Lina supposed that it was
>her experience with Chi that made it so... Ranma was apparently
>treating it as a variant of Chi. Just with more words.
 

Crow: <Ranma> Chi-chi-chi-Chia! The magic that grows!

Joel: So, Ranma's knowing ki makes him better at magic, but
Lina's knowing magic doesn't make her better at ki?

Tom: Call me crazy but I think the author's ignoring the whole
Mazoku system here....
 

>So, Lina could run longer, a little bit, and had learned how to
>throw a punch that was a little better than before. Also her dodging
>was improving.
 

Crow: Although her ducking still left a lot to be desired.
 

>And Ranma could make a ball of light. Which she could have done
>before with Chi anyway. Lina got the better from results, but the
>worse from discomfort.
 

Tom: <shudders> I pity the fool that messes with Lina's comfort zone....

Joel: Chi! Strong enough for a man, not really made for Lina.
 

>It wasn't improved by Akane and Gourry. Gourry had decided
>that if Lina was teaching Ranma her stuff, Gourry should teach Akane
>his.
 

Crow: Unfortunately, Ranma misunderstood Gourry's meaning of the
word *stuff* and beat him to a pulp.
 

>Swordsmanship being WAY closer to the Martial Arts than Magic
>is, Akane was learning fast.
 

Joel: <Gourry> Why, it's almost as if you've been practicing fighting
with another swordsman for years!

Crow: <Akane> Heh, remind me to introduce you to Kuno....
 

>And Ranma, who was competitive by nature, started to practice the
>blade also-- just in case.
 

Tom: <Gourry> Just remember, Ranma, the first blade lifts the hair and
the second cuts a huge gash into your neck!
 

>And Gourry decided that some of this fancy unarmed fighting couldn't
>hurt, so...
 

Crow: ...he slashed off one of his arms and became Jimmy Wang Yu!

Tom: <Gourry> After all, we've got nothing better to do. Not like
there's a plot yet.
 

>Scorecard so far.
>
>Lina Inverse. Learned a few basic MA moves, better endurance.
>Getting a tiny grip on the Chi idea. Feeling VERY much put upon.
 

Tom: Plot and active scenes. None.

Joel: Readers. Bored.

Crow: Humor. None.

Joel: Bandits. Rejoicing at not being in this synopsis.
 

>Ranma Sa- Ah, Inverse.
 

Tom: Ranma Sa-Ah? Sounds Egyptian....
 

>Still a girl, has actually learned a spell. Not much of one,
>but a spell. Also, being the MA learner from hell is now passably
>skilled with a longsword, although she won't admit it serves any
>real purpose.
 

Tom: Why would he learn it if it doesn't serve any purpose? And
just what is an MA anyway?

Crow: Mowing Attachment?

Joel: And if Ranma's from Hell, doesn't that make him a mazoku?

Crow: Sore wa Himitsu desu....

Tom: I shall have to kill you now, Crow.
 

>Gourry Gabriev. Can't understand the higher ideas of Chi or
>the Art, but has discovered that a sweep kick is fun.
 

Joel: <Gourry> I just glued the broom to my leg and voila! Instant
sweep kick!
 

>Akane (censored)- I mean Gabriev.
 

Tom: <gasps> Mommy! The scoreboard said a naughty word!

Crow: <scoreboard> Sorry, sorry... won't happen again. Now, where
was I? Aw, (censored), now I've lost my (censored) place! This
(censored) job really sucks!
 

>Being the sort who has always done well with heavy blunt objects, is
>doing fairly well learning heavy sharp objects. The problem is that
>she rather LIKES it.
 

Crow: That sounds positively kinky.

Joel: Wow, a martial artist who likes combat? Who'd thunk it?

Tom: Now, now. Martial artists are all angst-burdened fellows
who *really* don't want to hurt anyone, but find themselves forced to
do so in the name of justice and honor.

Crow: Unless they're beating up your favorite character. Then they're
just being MEAN....
 

>Anyone getting scared yet?
>To quote a certain Jedi Master, "You Will Be."
 

Joel: Will someone *please* explain to the author the concept of
"Show, don't tell?"

Crow: Yes, better tell us what emotion we're supposed to feel since
we're too stupid to figure it out ourselves.
 

>Zelgadis Greyweirs was known for having an unusual hobby.
 

Tom: And an even more unusual name.

Joel: Later, this unusual hobby of leaping off rooftops and plummeting
fifteen feet into a pile of cardboard boxes would lead to a promising
wrestling career....

Crow: Somehow I can't picture Zelgadis as Dude Love.

>He spent most of his time trying to cure a rather unsightly skin
>condition. Well, he considered it so.
 

Joel: <Zelgadis> W-what are these little things on my FACE!? I can't
seem to get rid of them!

Tom: <Lina> Oh, get a grip, Zel! A few zits never hurt anybody!
 

>Zelgadis had found during his search many highly effective
>such treatments. For Zel, acne, hives, rashes, warts, eczema, and
>even leprosy would never be a problem again.
 

Crow: Everyone else, on the other hand....
 

>Then again, when your skin is basically bluish-grey stone these
>ailments aren't a problem anyway. In truth, he'd rejoice at a
>zit-- a zit would mean he was human again.
 

Tom: Or at least a dog. They get zits too.

Crow: Yeah, I wonder why Data never tried to get zits to be more
human?

Joel: Maybe greasy food went straight to his microchips?

Crow: <groans>
 

>And Zelgadis Greyweirs wasn't human. He was a chimera-- a sort
>of blend of human, golem, and demon. At least he was pretty sure
>that was the mix-- but he wasn't certain what Rezo might have
>put in as well.
 

Joel: Snips, snails and puppy dog tails?

Tom: Sugar, spice and everything nice?

Crow: All that and a bag of blueberries.
 

>His condition caused people-- especially girls-- to faint in
>the streets,
 

Crow: Ah, yes, the teen pop idol plague. Very nasty business.
 

>which is why he habitually went hooded, cloaked, and masked.
 

Tom: That, and he liked how it made him just that much more
cool-looking.
 

>He knew it was because he was a hideous freak.
 

Joel: A super hideous freak! The type you don't take home to a grotesque mother!

Crow: As compared to the rest of the group who were NORMAL freaks.

Tom: Yeah, nothing makes girls feel safer than approaching them while
wearing a mask.
 

>(This, in fact, is debatable. Some DID find his appearance
>grotesque, but many found it exotic, and not a few fainting girls
>did so
 

Joel: <exasperated> WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE
STORY?!?

Tom: <author> As a courtesy to readers who have never seen an episode
of Slayers and are too lazy to look up information on the series before
reading this story, allow me to take this opportunity....

Joel: Yes, but couldn't we be given a reason to care about a character
*before* the author starts going into his or her history?

Crow: Well that would require a plot now, wouldn't it?

Joel: Oh yeah, I forgot.
 

>because pebbly complexion or not, Zel was actually pretty much in the
>bishonen camp. They weren't fainting-- they were swooning.)
 

Crow: You sure they weren't just bored into unconsciousness?

Tom: Bishonen camp? Dibs on the canoe!

Joel: Great. It's Slayers as done by Clamp!

Crow: <Tomoyo> But, Lina-chan, you'd look *oh so cute* in this
outfit!!
 

>Zelgadis had been referred to as something of a sourpuss at times.
 

Tom: Which he welcomed since his usual nickname was 'Smurfboy'.
 

>Consider this--
 

Joel: <singing> Consider this....

Crow: <Weird Al Yankovic> CONSIDER THIS!!!
 

>His latest quest for a cure had led to the discovery of a cure
>for the Galloping Rumbles.
 

Crow: <snickers> Galloping Rumbles? Sounds like a pretty severe
digestive problem....

Tom: Galloping Rumbles is like a storm raging inside you....

Joel: <Zelgadis> But now, with this cure, people can drink all the water from
Mexico and eat all the McDonalds pizza that they want!
 

>Since no one had had a case of the Galloping Rumbles in over six
>hundred years (A disease caused by eating the liver of the Wogwog
>bird, which had gone extinct you-guess-when)
 

Tom: Ummm, two months ago? How the hell should I know?!?
 

>it seemed somewhat less than a satisfying achievement.
 

Crow: <Zelgadis as Rodney Dangerfield> Ehh, no respect, no respect, I
don't get any respect....

Joel: Well, I sure hope SOMEBODY develops a case of Galloping
Rumbles later in this fic so this long boring scene will have a point to it....

Tom: I think this entire fic has a case of the Galloping Rambles.
 

>In the course of finding a cure for a nonexistent disease,
>Zel had had to face off not one, not two, but three minor demons,
 

All: <singing> Three minor demons from hell are we! Three minor
demooooonnnnns... from hell!
 

>a tribe of savage cannibals with rock-piercing spears,
 

Tom: After being tricked by Guybrush Threepwood numerous times,
Lemonhead and his tribe had finally adopted a new policy of greeting
visitors... 'Stab first and answer questions later....'
 

>and a demented tax accountant who was firmly convinced that his
>destiny was to rule the world.
 

Joel: Accountant? In Slayers? Does he wear horn-rimmed glasses?

Tom: So THAT'S what became of Irwin R. Shyster!
 

>Thusly, at the moment, sourpuss wasn't really accurate.
>He was nowhere NEAR that cheerful.
>Honestly, he couldn't think how the day could possibly get any worse.
 

Joel: Ladies and gentlemen, the cliche line from hell.
 

>You'd think he'd learn.
 

Joel: And he spells it out for us again! Thank you, Mr. Author!

Crow: <author> Oh ho ho ho. He should know not to say such things.
Ho ho ho. Oh well, guess he'll have to learn the... *HARD WAY!!*
Oh ho ho ho. Hee hee hee. Ha ha ha.

Tom: Way to lay on the sarcasm, Crow!

Crow: Heh. Thanks, Tom.
 

>####
 

Tom: <Piano Teacher> Very good! You've mastered your sharps! Now
why don't you play some flats now, Beethoven?
 

>The remnants of the Very Mean And Dangerous Gang-- all five of
>them-- were planning to rebuild.
 

Crow: ...the city park as part of their community service.

Joel: After that big rumble with the Kinda Wussy and Timid Gang,
I'm surprised they had the guts to go on....
 

>They had learned their lessons well. No big blond swordsmen, no young
>girls with dark hair, and absolutely NO redheaded psycho chicks.
 

Joel: And absolutely NO verbs that contain any actual action.

Tom: And especially NO overly cute, virtually defenseless, wisecracking
sidekicks that exists purely for comic relief!

Crow: <indignant> Hey, I wasn't so bad once you got to know me!
 

>All they needed was a grubstake. And here came one now, a weary
>traveler, all alone, in a light gray cloak.
 

Joel: After the success of the first animated Batman film, The Phantasm
had fallen on hard times....
 

>You know, come to think of it, you'd think they'd learn too.
 

Crow: Boy, that line just gets funnier and funnier, doesn't it?

Tom: You'd think the author would be able to think of a *new* plot
element to use by now....
 

>There is no sound so distinctive as that of a small group of
>bandits who have bitten off way more than they can chew, unless it's
>the sound of a large group of bandits who have bitten off way more
>than they can chew.
 

Joel: Although the sound of three MSTers who have endured more
well-worn cliches that they can stand is quite distinctive as well....

Bots: AAAAAAHHHH!!! AHHH!!! AHHH!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Joel: Case in point.
 

>The sound that perked Lina's ears was the former.
 

Crow: Notice how the author teases us with the possibility of an
actual scene then cleverly avoids it just on the verge of displaying
the action?

Tom: Now listen carefully and you can listen to the sounds of
a stereotypical Slayers fight....
 

>The easily recognized cry of "Dil Brand!" suggested that an old
>friend was involved with a group of bandits who had bitten off way
>more than they could chew.
 

Tom: <Jack Nicholson> SHUT UP!!! SHUT! UP! SHUT... UP!!!

Joel: Dil Brand? Someone deciding which pickles to buy?

Crow: <bandits> We said we wanted *Bicks* brand, idiots! BICKS!!!
 

>"No, can't be... Oh, who am I kidding? Of COURSE it can. Come
>on, I think I hear a friend back there."
 

Crow: FINALLY! I didn't think we'd EVER reach the first plot point!
 

>It was exactly what Lina had expected. A small pack of
>seriously battered bandits and Zelgadis standing there, unscathed,
>scowling. Hearing the sound of others approaching, he prepared
>for possible conflict--
 

Joel: <author> Now, now, now, we'll have none of THAT in MY fanfic!

Tom: Conflict is for people who can't handle lame stand-up jokes!
 

>And saw what appeared to be TWO Lina Inverses.
 

Tom: Oh lovely. Now we're watching the Patty Duke Show.
 

>More accurately, two and a half.
 

Crow: Yes, it's the new spin-off from Rumiko Takahashi, 'Lina 2 1/2'!
 

>There was the Lina he knew and tolerated. Bright eyed, grinning
>madly, the same old young girl with great power and a not so
>great figure.
 

Tom: <singing> Old young girl... She be rocking in a old young world....

Joel: <author> Must... describe... characters... in... detail... again....

Crow: Gee, I didn't know what Lina or Ranma looked like... Thank
you for reminding us again!
 

>Then there was this other Lina. Maybe a hair taller. Neater
>hair. Clearer eyes. And...
 

Tom: ...a butt the size of Chicago!
 

>And a figure that he knew that not only would Lina kill for, but
>in fact many women of his acquaintance would kill for. Repeatedly.
>With any instrument handy.
 

Joel: <Lina> I'll take a scalpel! A rib spreader! Hell, I'll even take a trumpet!
But I've GOT to have that body RIGHT NOW!!!

Crow: Boy, Ranma must feel great knowing her body could incite so
many women to murder each other....
 

>In fact, he knew a lot of men who would kill for a figure like that--
>although for somewhat different reasons than the women.
 

Tom: <author> Cause, you see, women be different from men....

Joel: Could the author insult our intelligence ANY further?

Crow: Yep.
 

>Zelgadis Greyweirs KNEW, beyond a doubt, that something bad was
>about to happen. Or at least something preposterous.
 

Joel: Of course, the way this story is going, maybe it wouldn't happen
at all.

Crow: <author> No, really, I mean it this time! Something really,
really FUNNY is going to happen! Any moment now! Really!

Tom: What's funny is that we've actually read this far....
 

>####
 

Crow: And now, ladies and gentlemen... THE BE SHARPS!!!

All: <singing> Baby on board... how I adore...
 

>"So, she's your... cousin?" Zel said after being introduced.
>"More or less. At least, temporarily adopted cousin? There's
>this problem with surnames, you see..."
 

Joel: So... not a cousin at all, then.

Tom: See, we skipped right over the preposterous bit.

Crow: <Zel> Say, are you a kissing cousin, by chance?

Joel: <Michiru, Haruka> Baka~!

Tom: <Tomoyo> I like the concept of "kissing cousin," myself.
 

>"Well, I can accept that. I don't understand it, but I can
>accept that. And there is a resemblance."
>"Do you think so?" Lina said.
>"Yes. Although her eyes are blue, where yours are sort of
>reddish..."
 

Joel: And your hair's a different color, and your character designs
are different... But other than that, you're *completely* alike.

Tom: But they have the same voice actress so they MUST be
similar!!

Joel: Yeah! On the same principle that Ted Baxter is Clark Kent!
 

>Lina blinked. Not AGAIN.
 

Crow: <Lina> I *hate* these stupid false eyelashes!

Tom: <Lina> Not ANOTHER character description... awwwww....
 

>"And I think she's a hair taller, and not as slim..."
>"Well, that's all fine and dandy, Zel, but..."
 

Joel: <Lina> Can we get on with the story now, PLEASE?!?
 

>Gourry chirped happily, "And she has MUCH bigger-- Ungh!" The
>"ungh" part was Akane elbowing him with some force.
 

Tom: Really?!? Is it really?!? You mean *ungh* ISN'T part of the
female anatomy?!? ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?!? ARE YOU?!?

Joel: Woah! Easy, Tom! You're going to hurt something!

Tom: Damn right! I'm gonna knee this fic right in the...!
 

>It was obvious to Akane that Lina was somewhat insecure about
>certain attributes.
 

Tom: <Little old lady school nurse> Call them breasts, dear. Use the
proper name. No snickering in the back of the class!
 

>Hell, sometimes she was, even if Ranma no longer teased her about
>it. Not often, anyhow.
 

Crow: <Akane> Still, I remember when I used to be like Lina...
then I got my brand new implants from Gainax and I've been
bouncing happily ever since!
 

>"ANYWAY," Lina gritted, "Ranma and Akane here are Martial Artists."
>Zelgadis stared. "No such thing," he said flatly.
 

Tom: And with that revelation, Ranma and Akane ceased to exist and
everything returned to normal in the Slayers universe. The End.

Crow: Oh, if only it were that simple....
 

>"The true martial arts have been lost for thousands of years.
>There's only a few remnants like the stuff Phil uses or some of
>Gourry's tricks."
 

Crow: <Zelgadis> After all, what use is there for fighting techniques in a
fantasy universe with heroes, villains and thieves?

Joel: <Akane> But if there were martial arts thousands of years ago,
don't you think martial artists would have existed to practice them?

Crow: <Zelgadis> And your point is?
 

>"Want to bet? You won't believe some of the things these two
>can do-- especially MY cousin," Lina said with borrowed pride.
 

Tom: You mean someone actually had some to give?
 

>"Impressive?"
>"You bet! Not as impressive as ME, of course, but--"
 

Joel: So why does Lina give a crap about Ranma's impressiveness?

Crow: <Lina> "His impressiveness will truly impress you!"

Tom: "They have the fearsome power to turn a story into a passive
resume!"

Joel: Did she ever fawn over someone else like this in Slayers?

Crow: She's pretending he's a relative, and she don't want no wimps
related to her....
 

>"You know, you two COULD be really related," Akane smirked.
>"That is if ego is inheritable."
>"Aw, Akane, that's not fair," complained Ranma. Akane smirked.
 

Joel: To recap: Akane smirked.
 

>"And what do you mean by THAT?" demanded Lina.
>"That you're a egomaniac," suggested Zelgadis dryly.
>"I am not!" Lina said hotly.
 

Tom: <Lina> I only want gold, not world domination!

Joel: Wait a minute! I just realized! He's actually *showing* them
talking!

Tom: Hey, he's right! About frigging time!

Crow: True. Though they're still not talking ABOUT anything....
 

>"True." Zelgadis looked upwards, waiting for the perfect
>moment--
 

Tom: *splat*

Crow: ...and it came in the form of a seagull dropping a load.
 

>and as Lina began to take on a mollified expression,
>he added, "Most egomaniacs are somewhat more humble."
>"Whoa, good one!" Gourry said admiringly, as Lina facefaulted.
>"I didn't know you were any good at zingers like that!"
 

Crow: Well, the author certainly admires his own wit, even if the rest
of us find it SOMEWHAT lacking....

Joel: Now if only I knew why meeting Zel is so much more important
than all the other things that *didn't* happen in this fic....

Tom: Because now Zel and Ranma will fall in love and have children
that grow up to be Lina and Luna? Oh wait, that was another fic....
 

>"Been taking lessons. Had to to defeat a lunatic dwarf."
 

Tom: Did did you now?

Joel: <Gourry> Really? A lunatic dwarf?

Crow: <Zelgadis> Yeah, his name was Hank and boy was he PLASTERED....
 

>"S-stop encouraging him, Gourry," complained Lina from a
>facefull of grass.
 

Crow: <Bart Simpson> Don't be a cow, Lina!
 

>Ranma had lost interest in the conversation--
 

Joel: ...about ten pages ago.

Crow: I don't blame Ranma. I've seen more interesting conversations
at golf courses.

Tom: I've seen more interesting conversations at a MIME convention!
 

>she'd seen things far stranger than a chimera in her time-- and was
>examining one of the now slowly reawakening bandits. "Hey, don't I
>know you?"
 

Crow: <Ranma> Wait a minute... Oh my god! You're Burt Reynolds!
I *loved* you in Smokey and the Bandit! Tell me, what was Jackie
Gleason really like?!?
 

>The bandit slowly opened his eyes. Stared. And started
>screaming. "ACK! NOT AGAIN! IT'S INVERSE!"
>
>From another huddled mass came the faint retort, "Is not..."
>"You know, this is beginning to get old. Why are you guys so
>darn hyper about Cousin Lina?" Ranma asked, reasonably.
 

Joel: Actually, this isn't beginning to get old. It was old to begin
with.

Tom: Because she's Inverse!

Crow: It's non-Euclidian!~

Joel: What's the opposite of inverse?

Crow: -1/x.

Tom: Lina's and Ranma's ego is inversely proportional to the
interest value of this fic.

Joel: Hey! That operation isn't defined!

Crow: Weirdly enough the math discussions are many times more
interesting than this fic....
 

>"Who cares about LINA Inverse?!? YOU'RE worse! Magic is one
>thing, but that kicking-punching stuff isn't natural! And the
>flat-chested one is almost as bad!"
>"I'm not flat-chested! It's just a baggy tunic!" Akane snarled,
>fingering her new toy.
>"Oh, you are talking about Lina after all," Gourry said,
>predictably. Lina bashed him. Life as usual.
 

Tom: Lina as written by Gregg Sharp....

Joel: Actually, Akane isn't flat-chested. Only Ranma calls her that,
and that's only to piss her off.

Crow: She lost a cup size somewhere along the way....

Joel: Only to gain it back in the OAVs!!

Tom: And then some.
 

>"The scary thing," Ranma noted, "Is he's NOT trying to be
>insulting..."
>The bandit was now scurrying back in what could only be
>described as sheer terror. "You stay away from me! All of you!
>Crazy kicky people and sorceresses and swordsmen and that gray guy!
>Why can't a bandit earn an honest living anymore? Why are you weird
>people getting in the way? What did I ever do to YOU?"
 

Crow: Breathe.

Joel: *sniff* They never told me at bandit school that *choke* there
would be *sniff* VIOLENCE!!
 

>Ranma paused. "Wait-- I remember you. Two weeks ago at the
>Nerima Inn. You were one of the guys that tried to kill Lina and
>me!"
>"Oh. Okay, that's one thing I did to you. But that's all
>there was--"
>"And the day before that you tried to rob me!"
 

Joel: Man, if you're this much of a wuss, take up a different
profession.

Crow: <Ranma> And you ran over my dog as well!!!

Tom: But those are friendly actions! We just wanted to be polite!

>"Well, okay, there was that too, but what ELSE did I ever do to
>you?" the bandit complained weakly.
>"You interrupted our meal, you know," Ranma complained.
>"I'm in real trouble, aren't I?" the bandit said, analytically.
>Actually, all things considered, being stripped almost naked,
>relieved of all his valuables, and being hung upside- down from a
>tree was pretty lenient.
 

Joel: Heaven forbid we see this action....

Tom: Good thing that bandit was such a fine analyst....

Crow: but that was just the beginning, then they started in on the
poetry reading.

Joel: Just beneath the Vogons talent-wise, weren't they?

Tom: Lend us a quid, for I'll pay ye back on Thursday....

Crow: Two quid for a sketch, 1 pence for a quickie.
 

>"Lina, why on earth are you walking on a fence rail?" asked
>Zelgadis.
>"Because she's making-- wahhhh!" replied Lina as she stopped
>walking and resumed falling.
>"No, no... twist counterclockwise. THAT'S how to break the
>fall," corrected Ranma.

Joel: More to the point, WHY is there a friggin' fence rail here?

Tom: And what difference does the direction you twist make?

Crow: I guess one side is the street with cars and the other is the
yard with dogs....
 

>"You said CLOCKWISE the last time!"
>"You were falling different this time," retorted Ranma,
>returning to her uncertain perusal of a basic grimoire entitled
>"Sorcery for Dummies".
>Zelgadis just shook his head, deciding that Ranma probably
>WAS an Inverse.
 

Tom: <Ranma> I'm up to the part of tens! "Ten ways you can blow
yourself to bits accidentally."

Joel: "Ten spells you should never attempt without years of careful
tutorial." Wow, lemme try these!

Crow: Soooooo, who wants to take bets on how much longer Lina's
gonna take this abuse from Ranma?
 

>Lina glared at the martial artist, who idly stood on something
>that as far as she was concerned Ranma should not be able to stand
>on.
 

Joel: A leg?
 

>Especially not while reading. It didn't help that Akane was
>also fence-standing and looking at Lina with apparently genuine
>concern.
 

Joel: So what is Ranma standing on?

Crow: His laurels?

Tom: Tradition!

Crow: <Principal Kuno> No! Dat keiki was standin' on principal!
 

>"Ranma, she's just a beginner. You can't expect her to pick it
>up all that fast."
>"She has potential, Akane," Ranma replied. "She has some real
>potential. I said I'd teach her, and I'm gonna teach her."
 

Tom: <Ranma> And when you have potential, you'd better get your
learning ass in gear or else....

Joel: After all, we have nothing better to do.
 

>"If you don't kill me first. You see what I have to put up
>with? She won't even let me use any magic to break my fall, she
>says I have to do it entirely with skill. My 'cousin' is a monster!"
>"I am NOT a monster!" retorted Ranma.
 

Tom: <Ranma> I'm an asshole! And don't you forget it!

Joel: This makes no sense. Either Lina is motivated to learn, or she
isn't. It's not like anyone's forcing her into this.

Crow: Yes, magic requires no skill. Any idiot can cast the Giga Slave....
 

>"Oh? Making me do all these wierd excercises, hitting me every
>morning, all that dodging and jumping and whatnot-- if that's not
>being a monster, what is?"
>"Would that qualify?" asked a suddenly nervous Akane.
 

Crow: Sounds like some strange courtship ritual.

Tom: Sounds like Ranma and Akane's courtship, actually.

Joel: Sounds like someone forgot to spell-check.

Crow: Sounds like somebody forgot to do a plot check, really....

Tom: Maybe the spell check bounced?
 

>Big. Green. Scaly. Many many teeth. And two heads.
 

Tom: But no verbs. Absolutely no verbs.

Joel: Looks like Kermit's gotten into the nuclear waste again.
 

>"I think so," Gourry said easily. He casually unlimbered
>his sword.
>"What the hell IS that thing?" demanded Ranma.
>"Some sort of minor dragon or something," replied Lina. "Easy
>enough to handle. What, you've never seen a monster before?"
>"Well... the orochi, and the BakeNeko, and Taro, but..."
 

Joel: And Rouge, and Saffron....

Crow: Nothing compared to Akane.

Tom: but all of them could be defeated by martial arts.

Joel: And he has no reason to believe this one can't either.
Especially the way everyone in this universe has been going
gaga over him.

Crow: But first they need to talk about the monster some
more....
 

>Lina flexed her fingers. "Anyhow, most monsters are really
>fairly passive. We probably won't have to fight it, it will simply
>wander off."
>"They," noted Gourry.
>"Un?"
>"There's more than one. Lots more. And they're acting funny."
 

Crow: Look at them dance about! And they're not kidding anyone with
those tutus!

Tom: Omigod, it's mating season!!

Joel: You know, no matter how many times the author tells us that
this is supposed to be funny, I'm still not convinced.
 

>"I have," Zelgadis murmured, "As it were, a bad feeling about
>this."
>More monsters approached. Except for minor differences
>in coloration, they were identical.
>"You know," Ranma said, "It's times like this that I hate times
>like this."
 

Tom: <Ranma> It's time like these that I use completely OOC
dialog so that the author can try to impress you all with his wit.

Crow: <Ranma> And when the going gets tough, the going gets
tough and I get tough going!
 

>"How... droll."
 

Crow: <RANMA> Gosh darn it, something to FIGHT? Why would I
want that?!?

Joel: <Ranma> Guys, I, uh, have a little confession to make
here... see, here's the thing... I'm a cowardly wuss with a big
mouth and a weak stomach and I like to talk through my ass....
 

>All heads turned to the new voice. The figure was, well,
>unimpressive.
>"Gosunkugi?" blurted Akane. "What are you doing here and where
>did you get that hair?"
 

Joel: <Gosunkugi> Sly Sperling! President of Hair Club for men! He
changed my life! He can change yours too!

Tom: Wow, what evocative description. "Unimpressive." I can just see
him as if he were standing next to me.
 

>"Hmm... do I resemble someone of your acquaintance? How
>interesting. No, my name-- as best as you can understand it-- is
>Melvin, and I merely wish to examine the source of an unusual power.
>With the help of my pets, of course," added the Mazoku.
 

Crow: <Melvin> ...who, after all, are much smarter than I could ever
hope to be.

Joel: Melvin? MELVIN?!? Good Lord..he's named after a Sailor Moon
dub!

Tom: Yes, it's Melvin of the Mazoku!!
 

>"Mazoku," growled Lina. "You HAVE to be."
>"Why, how perceptive of you, miss--"
>"Lina Inverse."
>"In-- well, well. How fascinating. Xelloss speaks rather
>highly of you, but then Xelloss is oddly interested in your kind.
>And who is this beauty who stands beside you in the same garments?"
 

Tom: <Gourry> My name's Gourry, what's it to ya, pal?

Joel: ...who looks disturbingly good in drag.

Crow: <Xellos> I talk to my fellow Mazoku? And when did this
start happening...
 

>"I'm RANMA Inverse, well, for now, and you ain't scaring ME,
>Mazola."
>Melvin frowned. "That's Mazoku. I suppose you're another
>sorceress of fatal and destructive power?'
>"No," chipped in Gourry, "She's a martial artist of fetid and
>disruptive power!"
 

Joel: Fetid power?

Crow: ...especially after a meal of bean stew.

Tom: Behold the awesome power of LIMBURGER!
 

>"Fatal and destructive, Gourry, not fet-- HEY! Who are you
>calling destructive?" complained Lina.
>"Martial-- Oh, a clever bluff, but all know that the true
>Martial Arts have been lost to mortal men for millennia. The next
>thing you'll be telling me is that she can manipulate Bob."
>"Chi," corrected Ranma, her head beginning to ache.
>"What?"
>"It's called Chi. Not Bob. Chi."
 

Joel: <Lina> How dare you say I'm destructive! DRAGON SLAVE!!!
 

>"Clever indeed! To suggest that the legends are mistaken
>gives your preposterous claim verisimilitude, I admit.
 

Tom: Verisimilitude? Hey, let Ultimate Warrior write like Ultimate
Warrior, willya?
 

>Not that that will save you... I don't care for unknown powers.
>Attack, my... pretties."
>"THOSE are pretty?" Akane said, drawing her sword (which she
>had become oddly fond of).
 

Joel: <Akane> My sword... I love it SO MUCH!!!

Crow: She slept with it more often than she did Ranma.

Tom <Ranma> First pigs now swords! That girl will sleep with
ANYTHING!!!

Crow: Well, since Ranma is no longer a male when certain
authors write him, she has to make do.
 

>"He's Mazoku. They have very unusual tastes," explained
>Zelgadis, drawing his as well.
>Ranma and Lina just went in to their respective stances--
>Lina prepping a fireball, and Ranma... apparently just standing
>there.
 

Crow: Ranma's not being paid enough to assume a fighting stance.
 

>"Sure are a lot of them," mused Gourry.
>"But they aren't attacking?" wondered Akane.
 

Joel: No, that would add actual conflict to this fic. That's
a no-no.

Crow: <Melvin> Yes, my minions shall entertain you with on
funny barbs!
 

>Melvin had noticed the same thing. "I said, attack. That
>doesn't mean staring at them and sweating."
>One of the monsters growfed something at the Mazoku.
>"I don't care if it IS Lina Inverse. Her reputation is no
>doubt overly exaggerated. Now, attack!"
 

Joel: And Lina doesn't take aback at this comment?

Tom: But all the humidity! We can't help but sweat!

Crow: <Melvin> She only beat our dark lord and can summon power
from L-sama...That's all!!!
 

>More growfing.
 

Tom: Less taste.

Crow: More growfing!

Tom: Less taste!

Crow: More killing!

Tom: Less action!

Joel: More or less.
 

>"I don't CARE if you have a bad feeling about the busty one
>either! Who's the Mazoku and who's the minions? Right! Now,
>ATTACK!"
>A lone, weak, and questioning growf.
>"No, you CAN'T go to the bathroom first! What kind of monsters
>ARE you?"
 

Crow: Incontinent ones?

Tom: Maybe they just had too much roughage in the morning?
 

>To the amazement of the heroes, this actually continued.
>As the Mazoku master argued with his reluctant minions, Lina
>did some very fast mental calculations. "Ranma, we have a problem."
>"Nah, we can take 'em," the other redhead retorted.
>"Um... if Melvin wasn't here, yes. But with a Mazoku fueling
>them, reinforcing them... I'm not certain we can."
 

Joel: Boy, I've never seen an author try so hard NOT do a fight scene....

Tom: <Lina> Why gosh, I've only killed a wack of lesser Mazoku
with my Dragon slave and medium Mazoku with a Ragna blade.... It's
not like this is Hellmaster or anything!!

Joel: Maybe if Ranma impersonates a waterfall, and Lina casts a
water spell... the minions would break ranks and head for the nearest
porta-potty!
 

>"Meaning?"
>"Meaning we're all gonna die."
>"Oh. Time for the Sao-- the Inverse Secret technique, then."
>"And what is that?" asked Zelgadis.
 

Joel: <Ranma> Hide your face behind your hands and when the time is
just right, uncover them while yelling BOO! It never fails!

Tom: Ah, Nanny-Fu!
 

>"Just follow my lead. Lina, is this one of those guys you
>talked about who who are all into pain and stuff?"
 

Crow: <Lina> No, that was <dreamy sigh>... Geordi....

Tom: <Ranma> They're into Sailor Moon?

Joel: <Lina> Well, all that cuteness is poison to a Nazoku....
 

>"That's a mild way of putting it, Ranma, but yes."
>"Then I have phase one... YO! MARSHMALLOW!"
>"What? And that's Mazoku," said the distracted Melvin, caught
>up in arguing with his reluctant minions.
 

Tom: <Melvin> All right, you get your birthday off, but only if
you work a double shift on Christmas!

Joel: <Monster> Ok, and you PROMISE us we won't end up in somebody's
smelly, stinky pocket?

Tom: <Melvin> Now would *I* do that?

Crow: Melvin loves pain. Would that make him a Mazo-chist?
 

>Ranma reflected on what Lina had mentioned in passing about
>Mazoku and hoped she'd got this right. "If we're going to fight,
>we should-- hey, who's that guy there with the broken leg sobbing
>his eyes out and whining about his mommy?"
 

Joel: My cousin. Just ignore him.

Tom: The author. The prereaders did that to him.

Crow: This fic had prereaders?
 

>Now a SMART Mazoku would have a hard time resisting such a
>tempting idea of pain and suffering. Melvin was powerful, Melvin
>was evil,
 

Joel: Melvin could sell.

Crow: Yes, remember, ALWAYS explain things completely, because
your readers are complete idiots.
 

>but, frankly, Melvin wasn't the brightest intellect
>of the Mazoku. This meant sucker. "What? Where?"
>And the group, prompted by Lina and Akane, ran away.
>"I don't see any broken-- Hey, where did they go?"
 

Tom: <singing> Brave Sir Ranma ran away!

Crow: <Ranma> I didn't! Oooh, liar!

Tom: <singing> He bravely ran away away!

Joel: <Melvin> Yes, go away or we shall taunt you a second time!
 

>"The Inverse Secret Technique is running away?!?" demanded
>Zelgadis.
>"Of COURSE not," retorted an offended Ranma.
 

Tom: <Ranma> It's running towards a direction that just happens to
being moving away from our current adversaries!

Crow: <Ranma> It's running away *after* your opponent's
demonstrated some BASIC COMPETENCE!!
 

>"It's running away until you can think of a way to win. But from what
>little Lina's told be about the Macarena that might be pretty hard..."
 

Joel: <singing> Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Mazoku, Que tu cuerpo es pa'
darle alegria y cosa buena, Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Mazoku, Heyyyyy,
Mazoku!

Tom: Shouldn't he be calling them "Masaka" or something? Why's
Ranma coming up with all this American pop culture stuff?

Crow: Because it's the first thing that came to the author's mind?

Joel: Natch.
 

>"No, it's not. Mazoku. Damn, I HATE Mazoku. Well, we're far
>enough away to to do what WILL win against a Mazoku..."
 

Joel: Tiddly-winks?

Tom: Happy thoughts?

Crow: Clap your hands if you believe in Xellos!
 

>And she began to float.
>Gourry stared. "Oh, no-- not again... She wouldn't--"
>"Of COURSE she would," Zelgadis replied.
 

Tom: Would she or wouldn't she? Only her hairdresser knows for sure.

Joel: <Gourry> Young lady, what HAVE I told you about demonic
possession!

Crow: Especially since Gourry and Zelgaldis know that Lina would
easily cast the Dragon Slave....
 

>"Darkness from twilight, crimson from blood that flows..."
>"What's she going to do? She's floating. What's she floating
>for?" Ranma complained.
 

Tom: Wow, I didn't know you can complain and ask a question
at the same time....

Joel: Sure you can. It's called whining.

Crow: <Shinji> But I'm not supposed to be in this fic!!
 

>"Something that WILL deal with a Mazoku. Get down." Zel was
>already clinging to a nice friendly rock.
>"Buried in the flow of time; in Thy great name, I pledge myself
>to darkness..."
 

Crow: And to the shadow for which it stands....

Tom: <Lina> And I promise that if elected, I will destroy all my lamps
and candles....

Crow: What would happen if Darkness even took Lina up on that
pledge?

Joel: The lights would go out?

Tom: It'd be L-sama's magical mystery tour!
 

>"I don't understand," Akane complained.
>"Just hug the ground. Very hard. About now..." Gourry was
>already hugging dirt.
 

Crow: It's Gourry Buscaglia!

Tom: Zel's pretty used to clutching and grabbing rocks, ain't he?

Joel: <Gourry> Bah, it's PH 4.7 Dirt.... That's hardly worth
hugging!
 

>"Those who oppose us shall be destroyed by the power you and I
>possess..."
 

Joel: Power of attorney for Bill Gates!
 

>And uncomprehending, Ranma and Akane joined Gourry and Zelgadis
>on the ground behind a convenient boulder as they heard Lina's
>clear,almost bell-like voice cry--
>"DRAGON SLAVE!"
>THIS time, Ranma was IMPRESSED.
 

Crow: It was almost as big as what he'd used to take out Saffron.

Joel: You, the reader, will also be IMPRESSED! I, the author, declare
it SO!

Tom: And despite the impressive spectacle, we STILL have NO action
verbs!
 

>Melvin was NOT a happy Mazoku. Even with a rapid teleport
>he'd caught a lot of the blast. And even with the healing power he
>had he knew he would be sore for weeks-- and his monsters were at
>the moment somewhat less than functional. As in, all dead as a bucket
>of doornails.
 

Joel: Wow, what an original metaphor!

Tom: There's nothing original in this fanfic to begin with....

Crow: Somebody kick the bucket and put those monsters out of their
misery!

Tom: <Melvin> Oh well, at least I don't have to honor their contract
now....
 

>Who KNEW that Xelloss had been right? Well, Xelloss, sure, but...
>The Dragon Slave was supposed to be a practically impossible
>spell. And that... that CHILD had cast it without any effort.
 

Crow: <CHILD> Dwagon swave! Hee hee!

Tom: 'Shush, I'm hunting Dwagons!'

Joel: See, the impossibility of the Dragon Slave is much exaggerated.
Gourry could learn it if he really wanted to.

Tom: Hey, if Sylphiel can cast it than it can't be that
impossible...
 

>Which bought up an interesting thought. If a such a spell was
>still around, then a lost art could be also. Perhaps...
>Oh, no. No quick fixes of misery and pain this time. THESE
>required watching after all...
>Melvin felt a little bit happier.
 

Crow: Melvin had his fuzzy slippers and his smoking jacket...

Tom: and don't forget the fez!

Joel: I never forget a fez.
 

> ####
 

Crow: <Little girl> Mommy! The fanfic's sharpening!
 

>"Lina?"
>"Yes, Ranma?"
>"About these magic studies of mine-- do I have to learn that
>thing?"
>"No-- in fact, I'd really rather not teach it if I can help it."
 

Tom: Lina, are you NUTS?!? This is your chance to pay Ranma
back for all the training hell you suffered and you're letting
it slip away?!? WHAT ARE YOU *THINKING*, GIRLFRIEND?!?
 

>A pause.
>"GOOD."
>"Good?"
 

Crow: WHAT?! Ranma not wanting to learn a kickass technique?
Bullshit.

Joel: <Ranma> It's too easy a spell. I'd get lazy.
 

>"I don't like it. It's REALLY cheating."
 

Tom: <Lina> Yes, it's really cheating..I spent all that time
learning the spell and it's cheating... PUH-lease!

Joel: Yeah, cheating. Not like the Hiryu Shoten Ha... or the
Moko Takabisha... or....

Tom: But those are martial arts moves!!!

Crow: <Ranma> You're asking someone else to give you power to
blow things up. that's cheating.

Joel: Ranma, master of ethics.
 

>"You don't mean you can do that with Martial Arts, do you?"
>Lina said, skeptically.
>"Only once... and I hope NEVER again..." (Jusendo...)
>Lina looked at the haunted expression on Ranma and Akane's
>faces, and forbore to ask.
 

Crow: As opposed to .. say.. aftbore?

Joel: <Ranma> Next time Akane gets turned into a doll, let her croak.

Tom: <Akane> Next time Ranma thinks he's a girl, let him arrange
flowers.
 

>"Anyhow, I'd appreciate it if you'd warn me before
>you did that again," Ranma asked.
>There was much agreement.
>There was also a large hole in the forest.
 

Tom: <Lina> All right, when I'm about to do it, I'll start chanting
the same poem I did this time. All right?

Joel: <Ringo Starr> I've got a hole in me forest.

Crow: Tragically, it was the Keebler tree that was destroyed.
No more would the world have E.L. Fudge to kick around, thanks
to Lina.
 

>####
 

Tom: Well, one thing you can say for the scene changes, they're never flat.
 

>Somewhere in the forest, a bandit managed to finally untie
>himself. In retrospect, he should have waited until he'd gotten down
>from the tree.
>"OOOF!"
>By now, all thoughts of simple banditry had fled from his mind.
>Now he was consumed by a new and fascinating emotional desire.
>Revenge.
 

Crow: "Stupid tree! I shall chop you down wiiiith... a herring!"

Joel: Fortunately, we know this bandit to be a complete wuss.

Crow: But now he wants revenge, which means he's a wuss with
attitude!!

Tom: <Vincent Price> He would most certainly murder this author
that would dare to portray his once proud sadistic character as
such an idiot, dashing his hopes and dreams like an powerful
automobile dashes through traffic....

Joel: Ooooh! Aaaah! Scary!

Crow: <Vincent Price> This fanfic is most disturbing indeed....
 

>Three times now. Three times against that...that... PERSON.
>"RANMA INVERSE-- I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!"
 

Crow: But he'll give up on it as soon as it gets difficult.
 

>Yes, he would have his vengeance-- all he had to do now was to
>figure out how.
>Dear readers, does this ring a bell?
 

Tom: Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?

Joel: Why yes, this sounds like another promise of action that
won't be fullfilled.

Crow: What, you mean breaking the integrity of the narration
to tell the readers the bleeding obvious? Why, yes, it does!
 

>####
 

Joel: <operator> Press the pound key to end the fanfic.
 

>To be continued...
 

Tom: <Ranma> Soooo, what do we do in the meantime?

Joel: <Akane> You could go back to being a man?

Tom: <Ranma> What about all the horny, slobbering fanboys who
want me like this?

Joel: <Akane> They can go back to being men too.
 

>--the end
 

Crow: Next on Redheads, Ranma meets Lucille Ball! "Ahhhh, Ricky! I
wanna learn the Dragon Slave!"
 

* * *

Deep 13
23:00 Hours
 

Dr. Forrester smiled as he walked back into his super secret laboratory,
TV's Frank following closely behind with a large stuffed Panda Bear.
"Oh, that was so much fun wasn't it, Frank!" Forrester exclaimed. "We simply
have to go out more often!"

"Oooo... I think I ate too many corn dogs... I hope I don't yuke all over
myself...." Frank moaned in pain as he placed the Panda Bear on the console
and made a beeline towards the bathroom.

"And the delicious part is the fact that these cheesy 'Guest
Stars' will help bring Joel to his feet quicker." Dr. Forrester
chuckled. "I wonder who I'll bring in next..."

"Wow!" Frank suddenly exclaimed, his previous stomach pain
momentarily forgotten. "Dr. F, you've got to see this!"

"What is it?" Dr. Forrester asked, curious.

"There's a big giant head in the living room!" Frank replied in awe.

"William Shatner is here?" Dr. Forrester inquired as he rushed
into the living room, only to abruptly find himself face to face
with a giant stone head.

"Looks like Xellos and Nabs left you a gift," Frank said as he
picked up a typewritten letter sitting on top of the stone head
and handed it over to Dr. Forrester.

"Oh, how considerate; if only all guests were like this!" Dr.
Forrester smiled as he looked over the letter, "Let's see... 'Dear
Dr. F, thanks for letting us crash in your secret lab today, we had
so much fun! As a token of our appreciation please accept this
giant Inca Stone head as a gift. Thanks, Nabiki and Xellos'"

"Hmm, I may not know about art, but this stone head looks
really... expensive. Yeah, it must have cost a bundle for
something this overpriced!" Frank said in awe.

"Now you see the rewards of good hospitality, Frank," Dr.
Forrester lectured, "Treat guests well and they'll spend a
bundle on you!"

"Hey, there's another letter here! Just when I thought this
couldn't get any better!" Frank exclaimed.

"Gimmie that," Forrester snapped, "It must be another
gift for me!!"

"What does it say, Dr. F?" Frank asked in an excited tone.

"'To: Dr. Clayton Forrester: Your bill for this order of...
one giant Inca stone head... one big screen TV... one hair
dryer... one diamond ring... one jet a-a-airplane, oh my
lord....'" Forrester stammered, unable to read further.

"Any bills for me?" Frank said as he took the letter from
the doctor's trembling hand, "Whoa... ten million dollars...
if I were you, I'd cancel your credit cards, Dr. F...."

Dr. Forrester's face flushed red with anger as he grabbed the
bill and tore it up. "Damn you Xellos and Nabiki! I will have
my revenge!!!"

"Want me to put a contract out on them? I hear Torgo's gone
into the assassination business. They say his aim is pretty
shaky but he works cheap...." Frank inquired.

"Just push the button, wiseguy."

The Real End

* * *

CREDITS:

Host segments: Miwa

MSTing: Andrew, Diese, Fido, Gary, Ginrai, JP,
        Latin_D, Lerche, Megane67. Miwa, Ronny, Ryo,
        SKJAM, Zoogz

Editing: Megane67, Miwa

Editing assist: Fido, Gary, Zoogz

HTMLizing: Zoogz

* * *

Special Thanks to Megane 6.7, who's MST efforts served as inspiration
for my starting and ending bits (and are 100 times better than
my efforts...^^) -- Miwa

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