FFIRC MST: "Pools of Tao"

[SID surveys the dusty attic where the props for "Ran's Fanfic
Theater" are stored. Over to the left is the comfy sofa where
Largo sat. To the right is a figure of a lemming from an old
computer game.]

SID: How did *that* get there.

DIRECTOR: You sure we want to dust this off? It's been years since
   there's been an original MST3K, and this was just one more
   clone of the show.

SID: The higher ups have their plans. We just have to follow them...
so let's get started.

DIRECTOR: Yeah, but...geez...what kind of material deserves *this*?

SID: I don't know, dude, but I've been assured from the higher-ups
that this ones special.

DIRECTOR: A real dud, eh?

SID: Yep. Some interloper apparently decided to play in Fred, Mike,
and Robert's playground, and lacked the proper tools to do it.

DIRECTOR: He had no code and God was watching, eh?

SID: <nodding> You *could* say that.
<sighs> Oh well, let get this out of here and dusted off, shall
we?

*********************************************************************

   [Begin opening theme - "Black Magic Woman" by Santana]
   It's...Ran's Fanfic Theater, episode 5
   (It's been a while, hasn't it?)

Now Showing: Pools of Tao Part 1
   by 'Spaceman' <Newfiespaceman@yahoo.ca>

Ran, along with all other characters from Urusei Yatsura are the
creation of Rumiko Takahashi. Rights held by Shogakukan (Japan),
and Viz (U.S).
Pyeknu (aka Reiko Moroboshi) is the creation of Fred Herriot
<fherriot@yahoo.com> and all rights to the character belong to him.

Iron Chef is the product of Fuji Creative, all rights reserved.

All other characters are the handles of the people involved in the
FFIRC session from which this is edited. The players are:

Fred Herriot [Pyeknu] <fherriot@yahoo.com>
Robert Geiger    [Spacehamster]
Johnathan Rosenbaugh [Jon]    <skip@plover.net>
David Linquist [Fido] <fido@rma.edu>
Rylan Hilman [DannyCat] <rhiruman@hotmail.com>
and, of course,
Steven Cornett [Nightman] <cornetts@siscom.net>

Thanks to all of them for their time and their comments.

As usual, Comments, flames, grunts and loud noises to
cornetts@siscom.net

*********************************************************************

[Shot of the studio where the MSTing is to take place. In it we have
a picture of Blocker Joe the Lemming (life sized) above a panelist's
table and a sofa placed behind it, presently unfilled. To the right
of this is a 'royal gallery', with seats for a few 'distinguished
guests. Except for the sofa, it kind of looks like Kitchen Stadium]

ANNOUNCER: Two years ago, a anime character from a now ancient anime
series had an idea. Secretly gathering the best MSTers,
she would find the stangest fanfictions based on her and
other Takahashi based series, and challenge our invincible
panel to explore the stories and come up with new avenues
of critque and barbed wit.

[Backstage, where we see RAN and the LA slimeball producer, SID. RAN
looks distinctly unhappy to be a part of this gathering.]

ANNOUNCER: <from the studio> What new and original fun can our Iron
MSTers make from this piece of crap
fiction? Will they be able to prevail
against it.

RAN: You have *got* to be kidding, Sid! Of all the harebrained,
low-ID ideas you've come up with, this has to be the most
tasteless you have *ever* come up with.

SID: You flatter me!

RAN: I'm *still* not doing this!

SID: But it's in our contract! You've been out on vacation for two
years, that long enough a playtime for anyone!

RAN: So why not do the same shows as before?

SID: Times change. We got to update the concept for the twenty-first
century, Ran my dear.

RAN: It looks like you copied "Iron Chef"!

SID: YES, I did. I figured that if UPN could take cooking, put in an
audience full of WWF Smackdown rejects, put in Sportscasters with
an IQ of kumquats, stir in third-rate cooks and have William
Shatner host it, why couldn't I make an MST show, use the
original "Kitchen Stadium" setup, and make you the Chairwoman.

RAN: That's...that's...robbery!

SID: That's Hollywood! And you're on!

RAN: ARGH!

[Cut to "Fanfic Stadium". RAN, clothed in sequined gloves, pink
bikini, cloak, and patent leather boots, walks on the stage.]

RAN: <aside> There's no way in Hell we'll get away with this...
WELCOME to Fanfic Stadium, where we have a specially bad story
to challenge our esteemed panel. But first, let me call them
out.
<in loud voice> I SUMMON...<Aside>I can't believe this
...THE IRON MSTERS!!!!

[We focus in on the panel as a sofa rises from below. On it sit
six people, one space hamster, and a young lady that looks to
have Klingon-like ridges on her forehead. The ANNOUNCER takes it
from here...]

ANNOUNCER: <picture of the alien girl is displayed> Iron MSTer
   Asia, Pyeknu (aka Reiko Moroboshi), star of Urusei
   Yatsura the Senior Year and "Urusei Yatsura the
   Ishinomaki Years."
[We now display a hamster]
ANNOUNCER: Iron MSTer Rodent is Spacehamster, a rodent from
deep space.

ANNOUNCER: Our other MSTers, the heroic nocturnal hero Nightman,
fanfic writer and defender of the True Fiancee Fido,
the inordinately corporeal DannyCat, and the sage of
inexpressible ideas, Jon.

[Camera pans out display the panel, now seated on the great couch]

ANNOUNCER: These are *your* Iron MSTers!

RAN: Tonight, we have <bringing up a gloved hand to her lips>
   a strange fic. It was presented to the author of UY:TSY
   by a fellow Canadian, and uses characters and situations
   from that series.

RAN: But, <Pointing upward> it seems that this author slapped
   this together at the spur of the moment, and in his haste
   sent it to rec.arts.anime.creative without any prereading
   or comment. So now, let me present the story.

[A small batch of pages appears on the table before RAN, awaiting
her annoucement]

RAN: The featured story for this battle is...Pools of Tao!

[The lights go out, the first page appears on the screen, and the
loud percussive sound echos through the studio.]

>[Ranma][UY]    Pools of Tao Part 1
>

ANNOUNCER: Bang a gong, we are ON!!!

>
>
> POOLS OF TAO: Entropy and Chaos.
> A Ranma ½ Urusei Yatsura BSSM xover with elements of
> Urusei Yatsura College Years series.

SPACEHAMSTER: They finally graduated? Took them 10 years to do it.
NIGHTMAN: Ah yes, UY the College Years. All the chaos, with frat
parties and partner swapping, thus making it resemble
an episode of "Felicity"...
PYEKNU:    Baka k'uk'e! There is no such thing as 'Urusei Yatsura -
The College Years.'
NIGHTMAN: So the man can't even get the series right. Figures.

> by Spaceman <Newfiespaceman@yahoo.ca>
> Friday, December 28, 2001

JON: Blame Canada.
SPACEHAMSTER: 0/~ We're off to outer space ~\0
JON: Hmm. Since it's UY, is this a SI?
PYEKNU:    Most likely a Mary Sue-type fanfic, Jon.
NIGHTMAN[singing]: Friere Jacque, Friere Jacque, Mary Sue!

> [Disclaimer] I don't own Ranma ½ or Urusei Yatsura,

DANNYCAT: <author> Neither do I understand the English language,
grammar, or any of the spelling rules thereof.
Let's hope it doesn't show...

> both are property of Rumiko Takahashi, Shogankukan,
> Shonen Sunday, Kitty TV, Viz, etc... UY-CY isn't mine

PYEKNU: I don't think ANYONE owns UY-CY!
NIGHTMAN: Isn't that only in his head?
PYEKNU: I think so.

> either. BSSM is property of Naoko Takeuchi, Kodansha
> Ltd, Shonen Sunday, Toei animation, Mixx, etc... No
> Infridgement, Profit, or Offense. Don't sue me, just
> write me.

JON: So, threatening letters are okay?
SPACEHAMSTER: <Lawyer> Mr. Spaceman, we are writing to sue you.

> [Timeline] Months after Ranma ½ manga vol 38 (Saffron
> and Failed Wedding)and OAV 5 "Final Chapter" (after
> second tag race).

DANNYCAT: And a few days after Kasumi bought herself some new
   shoes, and just a couple minutes before noon on a fine
   summery day.
NIGHTMAN: And BTW, Ataru plays tag. Ranma kills bird-like
   demigods. And shouldn't he refer to UY Movie 5, not
   OVA 5 like he did?
SPACEHAMSTER: One thing for sure. He doesn't acknowledge Movie 6.
PYEKNU: <to S.Hamster> Who does?

> [Synopsis] Ranma is violently ill and badly hurt.
> Ataru is in a similar situation. Both are found by
> mysterious monks who tell of the Pools of Tao.

SPACEHAMSTER: And thus, since we know whats happening, we don't
   need to read the rest.
NIGHTMAN: So Ranma and Ataru are...violently ill, badly hurt,
   and majorly put upon.
DANNYCAT: <Monks> Very tragic story of Chinese Philosopher who
fall in this pool...
   <Ranma & Ataru> EXCUSE ME! WE'RE VIOLENTLY ILL AND
BADLY HURT! STOP TELLING US ABOUT
THE POOLS, ALREADY!!!

> *************************************************

JON: Death Stars! Hundreds of them!
PYEKNU:    We're not in a galaxy far, far away, are we?
SPACEHAMSTER: But don't we wish we were.
NIGHTMAN:    Yeah, the farther the better.

> [Nerima]
> Ranma Saotome. Heir to Metsubetsu Kakuto Saotome-ryu
> and student of Nyu-che-zuu wushu. Pig-tailed martial
> artist cursed to become a woman with a splash of
> water. God-Slayer, destroyer of the God-King Saffron.

DANNYCAT: ...Heir to the Throne of Essex, Captain of all Kids Crews
   in...oh, wait a minute.
PYEKNU: Suffers the curse of endless, brainless fiancees; a father
   that should be resurrected as a @^*%-dog, a mother that
   isn't too far behind that...! Need I go on?
JON:    That almost sounds like Kuno's self-introductions.
NIGHTMAN: You think we can add more titles? This doesn't seem to
   have quite enough honors, does it?

> Currently, the most sickly person in Nerima.
>
> First. Burnt by Happosai's Xtra large Happo Daikarin
> ( a 10' firecraker) and a mallet from Akane in the
> morning.

JON: Burned by Akane's mallet? Woo, new technique!
SPACEHAMSTER: 0/~ I get up, shake my head, get a mallet on
the head ~\0

> Second. Drugged by Shampoo's ramen and Ukyou's
> Okonomiyaki (which was drugged by Kodachi), attacked
> by Kunou with a "holy" sword, and hit by Akane's
> mallet.

NIGHTMAN: Kuno had a 'holy sword'?
PYEKNU: Kuno is NOT holy!
SPACEHAMSTER: Kuno got himself Excalibur!
PYEKNU: Let's just hope Kunou or the rest of these morons never
   gets hold of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!
NIGHTMAN: Wonder if the scene didn't go like this:
   <Voice from the Stone> Whosoever shall pull this Holy Sword
   from the stone in the hot spring shall be right ruler of
   Hinato-sou."...err, wait a minute, that's Motoko!
DANNYCAT: More like this:
   <Kuno> The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest
shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the
bosom of the water, signifying by Divine Providence
that I, Tatewaki Kuno, was to marry the pig-tailed
girl.

> Third. Ate Akane's "Most Creative" i.e. Worst Food
> waking up two hours later to *another* mallet strike.

JON: All these mallets. Must be an Akane-bashing fic.
FIDO: Akane must have been watching 'Gallagher's Greatest Hits'
again.
NIGHTMAN: And here I thought it was Kuno that had a thing for
   watermelons.
PYEKNU: Ah, yes, just how much does poor Ranma miss those mallets?
   Like he misses having a hole in his head!

> Finally. Suffering from the side effects of his
> injuries, the drugs, and the toxin mix known as
> Akane's Cooking, he got into a battle with Mouuse,
> Ryouga, Kunou, and finally another challenger,
> "Anything-Goes Martial arts Bludgeoning". MALLETS!

NIGHTMAN: Sounds like Ranma's usual morning. A full and rich day!;-)
   And by the way, it's toxic, not toxin.
JON:    If he's beaten Saffron, why the hell are Mousse, Ryouga,
   and Kuno a challenge?
PYEKNU: Creeping conquest?
NIGHTMAN: BEWARE of the CONQUERING CREEP!!!! AHHHHHHGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!

> Ranma Saotome, burnt, bruised, and poisoned,
> collapses near a park tree. As he passes out, he sees
> a another battered man nearby. <At least, I'm not
> alone>

DANNYCAT: <Ranma> I've got five MORE people standing here waiting
   to beat me up...
NIGHTMAN: Like I said, a full and rich day.
SPACEHAMSTER: Tenchi looks up and says "usual day for you too,
huh?"

> [Tomobiki-Nerima line]

NIGHTMAN: There's a line between those two places? Gee, wonder
   which town keeps that up.

> Ataru Moroboshi. Earth's Tag Race Champion and
> Biggest Lech in the known Universe. Fiance of Uru-Oni
> Princess Lum Redit. Bane of Tomobiki, "The Only Place
> Weirder than Nerima"

PYEKNU: That's REDET, not Redit.
JON:    This sentence no verb...
NIGHTMAN: Of course, technically, Tomobiki is a part of Nerima
   prefecture, though I suspect most in Furinkan would
   like to deny that.
PYEKNU: Can you blame them?

> Currenly, the most sickly person in Tomobiki, 2nd in
> Nerima as he passes the district line.
>
> First, Lum make breakfast and zapped Ataru when he
> ran.
>
> Second, Mendou with heavy artillary shells followed
> by Megane and the Guards with Chem club bombs.
> Followed by Zap! when Lum believes there story.

SPACEHAMSTER: "There" should be "their".
JON: <Lum> Lum decide to become both Amazon and Kitchen
Destroyer! Ataru take Lum to date now?
DANNYCAT:    Here Zap. There story. Where structure?
JON: Can somebody call the police? We seem to be missing a
plot.
SPACEHAMSTER: <Ataru> Somebody set me up the bomb!

> Third, Shinobu with a iron wood desk and Lum with a
> Zap!

DANNYCAT: Iron wood?
JON:    What can I say? They like golf.

> Fourth, Rei in tiger-bull form, a alien version of a
> social decency group with particle weapons, and Lum
> with a BIG Zap!

DANNYCAT: Here a Zap, there a Zap, everywhere a Zap-Zap...
NIGHTMAN: Gee, Lum is very generous with the Zaps, isn't she.
SPACEHAMSTER: Rei is a social decency group?
NIGHTMAN: If he is, shouldn't he be looking for Spaceman?

> Ataru Moroboshi. Burnt, bruised, and electrocuted,
> finally collapses near a park tree. As he falls
> unconcious, he notices a battered pig-tailed man. <At
> least, I'm not alone>

FIDO: Now where have I heard this before?
SPACEHAMSTER: Ataru battered? Well, Ranma was fried..
FIDO: <Ranma> Hey Ataru? Since we have sooo much in common, wanna
get married?
<Ataru> Sure!

> [Nerima Park]
>
> [Minutes later]
>
> Brother Darklight Sunfire, the tall, grave minister
> of the Abbey of the Holy Gatherer,
> Protestant Reformist Church of Zephyrus, chief advisor
> to the late Most Rightous Gentile Nagaiwakai
> Moroboshi. Mr. "He's Scary".

PYEKNU: Gee, I never saw Brother Sunfire as 'Mr. Scary!'
NIGHTMAN: Well, Nagaiwakai had pet names for all the Zephs. There
   was 'Mr. He's Dopey', "Mr. She's Sneezy", and even a
   "Mr. Happy" in the mix...
PYEKNU: Gee, Dad never told me that, Nightman.
NIGHTMAN: Wait a minute, that last one was Bill Clinton's pet name
   for...
JON:    Gee, they must have a lot of funerals to need a dedicated
   grave minister.
NIGHTMAN: Darklight ministers to graves? He's a little late, isn't
   he?

> Brother Darklight Sunfire PRCZ walks over to his late
> (and dearly missed) employer's grandson Ataru
> Moroboshi. He also notices a boy nearby in a similar
> state.

JON: New Mexico or Arizona?
NIGHTMAN: State of confusion? State of Grace? And is Ataru
late, or Darklight's employer?
JON: Nobody but Lum would miss Ataru.
SPACEHAMSTER: Just how did he get there so fast? and where the heck
was he before?
FIDO: <Brother Darklight> You know I do perform same sex marriages.
JON: <Ranma> No need to bother with that. Lemmie get some cold water.
PYEKNU: Hmmm...maybe Ranma might make a better mother than Lum.

> Suddenly, he turns as the air ripples and space
> distorts. Three humanoid figures meld from the warp,
> then the warp vanishes with a "pond ripple".

DANNYCAT: <Data> Captain, there's a warp field signature forming at
   253 mark 15, and the 'pond ripple' effect is
   decoupling our phase inverters on decks five
   through nine.

> On the left and the right are two women dressed in
> midnight blue robes. There partly hidden faces are
> beautiful with a tatoos on the cheek. The one on the
> left has a gold phoenix, the one on the right has gold
> dragon.

DANNYCAT: I dunno...midnight's usually more black than blue.

> In front of the two women is a very tall, very
> muscular athlete with golden eyes, dark skin, and
>
> brush-cut jet-black hair. Darklight realizes hes a
> Zephyrite-Vosian-Yehisrite hybrid.

DANNYCAT: Gesundheit.

>    He wears a black
> jumpsuit with black body armor and a Huge black coat.
> The armor has insignias, the gold outlines of 5 clawed
> chinese dragons and phoenixs in flight. Darklight also
> notices PRCZ symbols. He speaks to Brother Darklight
> with a faint accent

FIDO: <Muscular athlete> Excuse me? Do you have any 'Grey Poupon?'
SPACEHAMSTER: Darklight has a keen eye for races.
PYEKNU: He's been around for 700 years, Boo. It's experience.

> "Zigezhsir Daz Piztavhaf Ibaff Wavhof. Ryuu Gel
> Rrwavhof Pifwazhazr B'Lil'Has'Rapf
> Lim'Vat'Zarhas'Rin'Zhaf"

JON: Ooh, the all-important Marvel Comics Alien Language
   Apostrophe!
SPACEHAMSTER: He's speaking in tongues!
PYEKNU: Gyaah! What language is THAT?!
DANNYCAT: Hubba hubba zoot zoot, hebba hubba zot zot, a num num.
   (Subtitled: "Zip it.")
NIGHTMAN: Ryuu Gel: The new haircare product from Alpha Centauri...
   try some today.

> [Zephyrite->Japanese->English Translation:

JON: <Interpreter> Jabba's through with you. He has no use for
smugglers who drop their shipments at the
first sign of an Imperial cruiser.

> ["I'm Ibaff Piztavhaf. Please call me Ryuu. Pleased
> to meet you"]
>
> "I'm Brother Darklight Sunfire PRCZ... Ryuu?"
>
> "Ibaff Piztavhaf is hard for terrans to say. It means
> 'Dragon Shadow Lord', so my Japanese name is 'Ryuu
> Kageshu'. We have more important things to discuss."

DANNYCAT: Do You...Kageshu?
JON: <author> I made the name by combining random kanji. Do you
   like it?
NIGHTMAN: So why didn't he just say that in English instead of
   making up alien jibberish that doesn't even match the
   original series authors' languages?

> "Ataru and this boy?"
>
> The Women step forward. The one on the left speaks
>
> "My name is Hououko. This is Tatsuko. I have witnesses
> the chaos of Place of Fools and Madmen, you know as
> Tomobiki. The Chaos inflicted on Dai... Ataru."

JON: What the hell does she need witnesses for?
PYEKNU: Can we write sentences here, folks?
NIGHTMAN: Apparently not.

> "The *man* is named Ranma Saotome" says Tatsuko, "I
> have watched the fires of Entropy burn him in this
> similar pit of entropy called Nerima"

DANNYCAT: Entropy's All-Night BBQ: Coming Soon to a Pit near you.
PYEKNU: Wai! New franchise!
NIGHTMAN: Selling the best of Pork, Beef, and Entropy. With all
new sauces, too! :-)

> Ryuu motions towards the unconcious victims. "I may
> have a solution"

SPACEHAMSTER: What?
NIGHTMAN: Burn the fic?
SPACEHAMSTER: <Ryuu> First, buy Spaceman a spellchecker!
NIGHTMAN: And this fellow is supposed to be Canadian, eh, Pyeknu?
Guess your educational system is going downhill, too.
PYEKNU: He's from Newfoundland, Steve. They've always spoken very
   strangely!

> *************************************************

SPACEHAMSTER: The tribbles are lined up before the Klingon firing
squad!
NIGHTMAN: <to S.Hamster> Tell me, do they still sing of the Great
Tribble hunt?
DANNYCAT: Follow the spiky-dot road...follow the spiky-dot road...
   follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the spiky-dot road!

> [1 week later]
> [Tendou Dojo]
>
> Today, is another bad day at the Tendou Dojo.

NIGHTMAN: What, they have a good day in the Dojo?

> Genma is complaining about "ungrateful, honerless
> son", while worrying about his retirement plans.
>

NIGHTMAN: Genma calling Ranma a honorless son...isn't that the pot
   calling the kettle black?
SPACEHAMSTER: As a massive black kettle smashes into Genma's head.
PYEKNU: Oh, poor Genma. Poor, poor, Genma. He certainly deserved
that!
NIGHTMAN: I have another problem here...why would Genma worry about
retirement plans? Don't you have to work before you
retire?
PYEKNU:    <Genma> What?! I have to WORK?!!
JON: Since when did Genma plan anything?
PYEKNU:    Genma has no right to complain. What goes around comes
around, right?

> Souun is crying about "THE SCHOOLS WILL NEVER BE
> JOINED!!! AKANE'S FIANCE IS MISSING!!!" and worrying
> about *everything*.

DANNYCAT: <Souun> WHY?? WHY MUST ENTROPY OPEN AN ALL-NIGHT
   BBQ NEXT DOOR?!?
SPACEHAMSTER: And it has sharp pointy teeth!
FIDO: Lists! The author writes in lists!

> Nadoka is questioning her son's manlyness.

DANNYCAT: Meanwhile, in yet *another* fic, Nadoka Yamata is watching
   her seven-year-old son, Kenta, wear her evening gown to
   school...

> Nibiki is upset about lost profits and not being able
> to find her main resource (i.e. Ranma).

PYEKNU: That's NODOKA and NABIKI, Spaceman!
NIGHTMAN: That's almost as bad as the one fic that called Nodoka
   'Nobaka'.

> Kasumi is trying to stay cheerful and optimistic.
>

JON: Kasumi has a problem staying cheerful and optimistic?
NIGHTMAN: That's what all the pills are for, don't you know.
SPACEHAMSTER: <Kasumi> The little yellow pills give such nice dreams.
Isn't that right, Mr. Potato?
JON: I thought she drank ten cups of coffee every hour.
DANNYCAT: Later that night, Kasumi went out to compete in a DDR
tournament...

> Akane is breaking bricks complaining about "cheating
> baka-hentais!"

[NIGHTMAN grabs a guitar and sings] Your baka-hentaiiiiiiiiiiiii...
   will bring you down......
FIDO: <Akane> Damn that Ataru! Cheat on me, will he?
<Kasumi> Oh my, Akane. You have the wrong baka-hentai.

> [Ucchan's Okonomiyaki-ya]
> Ukyou is worried about *her* Ranchan. She found him
> after 10 years and he's gone again in 2! She doesn't
> want to *lose* him again.

NIGHTMAN: Chased him for ten, lost him again after 2. The averages
alone should tell her she's in a losing enterprise.
PYEKNU: Yes, Ukyou would worry. Pity we couldn't split Ranma into
boy and girl. Ukyou can have the boy, Daddy the girl.

> [Nekohatten]

JON: Nekohatten? Not only a cafe, but they make hats?

> Shan Pu (Shampoo) is worried.
>
> <Airen has dissapeared. If Airen run from violent
> kitchen destroyer, he should have come to Shan Pu,
> Shan Pu is the strongest and prettiest. Airen belong
> to Shan Pu!>

DANNYCAT: <Akane> I am become Death, destroyer of kitchens.
JON: <Shampoo> Shan Pu also the most humble. But why does Shan Pu
   think in broken Japanese instead of fluent Chinese?

> [Nerima Park]
>
> Khu Lon (Cologne)Elder Matriach of the Nyu-che-zuu
> (Woman Hero Tribe/Chinese Amazons) is *very* worried.

PYEKNU: Does this guy even know how to use a SPACE BAR?!

> She tracked Ranma trail to a park. She could tell he
> was suffering from extensive injuries, conflicting
> drugs, and *severe* food poisoning(She noted that if
> the Chinese army tried to attack the tribe again,
> Akane's beef wellington could wipe out a platoon.)

DANNYCAT: Conflicting drugs? Akane tosses drugs into her cooking?
Huz-ZAH!
NIGHTMAN: Gee, they should arrest Akane for that hobby. Making
Biochem weapons is against the law in most places, isn't
it?

> She found traces of "Muko-dono"'s signature near a
> tree and a similar signal nearby. The other signal
> seemed familar.
>
> Then she encounted the Others.

JON: Nobody knew that Cologne was a closet Star Trek fan, so
   nobody suspected she had an implanted tricorder.
DANNYCAT: Huh? "Muko-dono"? Where's the subtitle, man?!
NIGHTMAN: Don't know. That excess Japanese people insist on
   putting in fics tends to confuse.
SPACEHAMSTER: Others? <shudders>...whoever they are, they have baaaad
   taste.
DANNYCAT: Cologne's ultrasonic screeches reflected off her
   targets, as she swooped in to claim her meal....

> Traces of a Monks robe and signals that gave her the
> creeps. She had felt something similar to the North, a
> month ago.

SPACEHAMSTER: The robes had been cast aside in the ensuing orgy!
DANNYCAT: Cologne knelt down to examine the robe, which had been
arranged in semaphore patterns.
NIGHTMAN: <intoning the semaphores> Get...out...of...this...fic...
now!

> Two female signatures that possessed incredible chi,
> the likes of Saffron!

DANNYCAT: <Cologne> Their power levels are above one million! This is
   nuts!
NIGHTMAN: I didn't know spices had ki?
PYEKNU: They were made from plants, Mr. Nightman, sir. Plants
   have ki energy.

> The last was a heavy male with confined power and a
> strange heritage. The Monk was unearthy. The Women
> were also unearthy, but different and enhanced by a
> the cosmic Tao. The Man was a blend of at least three
> enhanced by many forces.

DANNYCAT: A blend of three secret herbs and spices, roasted to
   perfection and served hot and steaming to you, our
   coffee-loving readers.
SPACEHAMSTER: Salt of the earth types.
PYEKNU: No need to capitalize 'man,' 'women' or 'monk.'
NIGHTMAN: This fic is unearthly. I think it was written by a
   Europan space slug.
JON:    Not unearthy, unearthly.
SPACEHAMSTER: Reminds me of Vogon poetry.

> Then, they vanished without a trace, except for a
> feeling that reminded her of Happy's Interdemensional
> Warp.

PYEKNU: Happousai can warp between dimensions?!!
DANNYCAT: ...I ain't touching that one.
JON: I knew it! Happosai's really from 'Legends of the Overfiend'!
SPACEHAMSTER: Breaking the panty barrier between worlds!
JON: Interesting how Happy never used this technique in any of the
   manga.

> First, she had to deal with Shan Pu losing honor the
> first time and punishment in the Drowned Cat spring.
>
NIGHTMAN: <Shampoo> Shampoo already punished in the Drowned Cat
Spring, Great-grandma.
DANNYCAT: <Cologne> You lost your punishment in this spring. Go
retrieve it!
<Shampoo> Yes, great-graaaAAA!! (splash)

> Second, was the fact Ranma would not be forced into
> the Amazons and Shan Pu's failure to attract.

NIGHTMAN: <Shampoo> Great-grandma? What was it I was supposed to
   attract?
   <Cologne> Mice!
JON: <Shampoo> Hey! Shan Pu attract Mousse! That not count for
   anything?
SPACEHAMSTER: Sadly, Ranma never relized that getting run
over by a bicycle was an amazon's way of saying 'I
love you.'

> Then, Ranma defeated the phoenix people's God-King
> Saffron. A macho egotistical *God-Slayer* in a
> matriachal society? Not Likely!

DANNYCAT: "Previously, on Ranma 1/2..."
PYEKNU: At least the Elder's showing some real intelligence here!
I wish everyone else was showing intelligence here,
including the writer!
SPACEHAMSTER: You'd think killing a god would get the message across
to people.
JON: Anything resembling a plot in this story? Not Likely!

> Her only hope was to convince Ranma to become a ally,
> easy considering Ranma always helped others, but she
> had been stopped by Ranma finishing high school,
> several more adventures, and Shan Pu's desperate acts.
> The last being involved in the dissapearance

DANNYCAT: ...of the rest of this sentence.
NIGHTMAN: ...of the plotline.
JON: Ranma always helps others? Like he helped Ryu Kumon, Saffron,
   Herb, etc?
S.HAMSTER: <Shampoo> What do I have to do?! Strip naked?
DANNYCAT: <Cologne> No, child...that task shall fall to me.
PYEKNU: ACK!!!
[SPACEHAMSTER's head explodes]

> <Where are you, Ranma?>
>
> *************************************************

DANNYCAT: <Ranma> I'm hiding behind one of these...come find me, IF
   YOU CAN!
NIGHTMAN: Oh man. More tribbles to shoot!
   <Klingon> Where is the honor in shooting tribbles in a
   line? All they ever do is squeal at us.

> [Moroboshi Home, Tomobiki]
>
> [Week 2]
>
> Lum Redit, Uru-Oni princess and daughter of Captain
> Invader, is crying on her bed.

NIGHTMAN: Get it straight, Spaceman! It's "Redet", not "Redit"!
JON: Better than Uruk-Hai, I guess.
PYEKNU:    Also, Mom doesn't have a bed, unless she's in her
spaceship. She always slept in the closet.
SPACEHAMSTER: <Lum> I've only tortured Ataru with my food and Zaps,
Why, oh why has he forsaken me?
NIGHTMAN: Maybe he's gotten fed up with masochism?

> Darling has disapeared. He vanished after a "active"
> day with his "friends". Was he cheating on her? Was he
> hurt? Was he *Dead*?

NIGHTMAN: What's to put together? No Ataru parts.
SPACEHAMSTER: Sometimes...dead is better
PYEKNU: True. Then again, if Dad ever died, he could come back
and be something better!
JON: Like a cockroach?
NIGHTMAN: Isn't that what he is now?

> Ten is angry at Ataru for abandoning his Cousin, and
> a *little* worried. After Day 2, he had set out to
> make Ataru Barbeque with his flame-breath, but didn't
> find a trace.

DANNYCAT: After Day 3, he gave up the search and got a well-paying
   job at Entropy's BBQ.
SPACEHAMSTER: <Ten> Hello? Entropy BBQ? I'd like an order of Ataru.
JON: Ten's human alias was Hannibal Lector.

> What worried him was no complaining girl, no body
> screaming "ATARU!!!", and no odd ships.
>

JON: Dead men scream no names.
NIGHTMAN: If he's dead, why would any part of him scream anything?
DANNYCAT: For that matter, why would he scream his own name?
JON: So he wouldn't forget it?
SPACEHAMSTER: I have no life, and I must scream.

> He just vanished!

DANNYCAT: Ten's vanished now?
NIGHTMAN: <TOMOBIKI> HURRAY! TEN'S DISAPPEARED!!!
PYEKNU: GOOD RIDDANCE TO THE LITTLE JERK!!!!

> Mrs. Moroboshi hasn't said anything about Ataru
> except "I wish he was never born!" and secretly "I
> need to find that idiot!"

NIGHTMAN: But she was always torn that way.
PYEKNU:    GEE, KINSHOU, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO FIND DAD?!! TRYING TO
STEAL HIS INHERITENCE?!! [1]

> Mr. Moroboshi just reads the paper.

DANNYCAT: <Mrs. Moroboshi> Well, I found THIS idiot, but I was
looking for the other one...
FIDO: Spaceman writes in lists.
NIGHTMAN: You mean this is really his grocery or laundry list?

[Mr_Moroboshi appears, looks up from his paper, makes an enigmatic
smile, and says, "All is going as I predicted." He then returns to
reading the Dead Sea Scrolls, transformed into a convenient and
cleverly disguised newspaper.]

> [Rest of Tomobiki]
> Mendou is mad because Lum is crying because of
> Moroboshi!

NIGHTMAN: Mendou is always mad. He's likely having his people
cutting the grass to find him even now.
PYEKNU:    Don't worry about Mendou. He's going to be resurrected
as a @^*%-dog anyway.
FIDO:    <Mendou> Curse you Moroboshi! My vengence will be swift or
   my name isn't Tatewaki Kuno!
<Lum> But your name isn't kuno.
<Mendou> Damn! Wrong script!

> Megane and the Guards are mad because Moroboshi is
> making Lum so upset she doesn't want to leave the
> house.

PYEKNU: Oh, you poor little TRAITORS TO THE HUMAN RACE!!! SUFFER!!!
Heck, they don't even deserve resurrection, those four!!

> The Rest of the Boys are upset because Lum hasn't
> been to school in 8 days, 3 hours.

JON: ...4 minutes, 32 seconds, 26 picoseconds.
SPACEHAMSTER: Scarily enough, they WOULD keep exact time in canon
material
JON: All the way down to Planck seconds?

> Lan is upset because Darling isn't around to hurt Lum
> with and she was out sick when Ataru vanished, so she
> can't claim Lum's current pain.

DANNYCAT: In fact, the LAN was so upset that she stopped delivering
   packets to any of the school's computers.
PYEKNU: Oh, poor little baby! Guess you'll never get your
   vengeance now!
NIGHTMAN: Actually, Pyeknu, Ran was happy with the outcome anyway, so
   she ran off, changed her hair color (save for a red mesh),
   and took her rightful place as Queen of Shibuya! [2]
FIDO: <Lan> I claim this pain for Spain!
NIGHTMAN: Of course, if she does, we can happily sing "The pain in
   Spain falls mainly on the plains (By George I've got it!)"

> Cherry has gone *totally* insane babbling about
> Ataru, Horses, Dragons, and Phoenixs.

FIDO: Oh my!
JON: Hmm. is Cherry usually right with his predictions, or no?
DANNYCAT: He's usually right in odd ways.
NIGHTMAN: Cherry is usually right, but nobody listens to him.
JON: Pity nobody ever listens to him, then.
SPACEHAMSTER: Well, par for the course for Cherry.
NIGHTMAN:    And don't you love happy endings!
SPACEHAMSTER: As Cherry would say if he was sane, it's FATE!
NIGHTMAN:    I thought it was Kismet.

> Rei eats. What do expect from a dyslexic piece of
> beef?

JON: Um, pronouns?
DANNYCAT: <Mendou> What do I expect? I expect RESULTS! Bring me the
head of Moroboshi on a paper plate!
NIGHTMAN: Shouldn't that be a silver platter?
DANNYCAT: Mendou is thrifty when he's angry.
JON: Rei casually eats what's left of Ataru's body.
NIGHTMAN: <Rei> Good eats.
SPACEHAMSTER: Well, at least someones handling the crisis well.

> [Moroboshi home]
> <Darling, Where are you?>

DANNYCAT: <Scooby> Rover reeere!
SPACEHAMSTER: <Ataru> Somehwere over the rainbow I hope.
FIDO: <Ataru> I'm here! Under the rug where you put me?
NIGHTMAN: <Ataru> Dead! Expect me to haunt you any time now.

> [End Part 1]
> Author: What do you think? WRITE ME AT
> newfiespaceman@yahoo.ca

DANNYCAT: <Author> But remember, don't sue me!
NIGHTMAN: So, where are the Sailor Senshi in all of this?
SPACEHAMSTER: THERES GONNA BE MORE?! <Shakes his head> If I was to
   guess, I'd say the Senshi will be Ataru's love slaves
   in chapter 2.
JON: Nah, Ranma and Ataru are gonna become the Senshi.
PYEKNU: Oh, the torture! The Torture! Please, no more...!
NIGHTMAN: <Priests of Tao> We've taken care of Ataru! This is only
the beginning!

> XTRA:
> Challenge:
> What's in your Imagination? Feel free to continue or
> write new versions of any of my stories. Remember no
> Dark fics, unless it has a happy ending and Please
> KILL GENMA!!

DANNYCAT: But no dark fics. (DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!)
SPACEHAMSTER: At least he's gotten one thing right...
JON: A dark fic with a happy ending. What an ... original
   concept.
NIGHTMAN: A dark fic with a happy ending...hmm, we find Spaceman,
   kill him, and live happily ever after?
PYEKNU: Yeah, that sounds like a plan!
SPACEHAMSTER: Tao... Taaaooooooo.. here i come and i want to go
   home.
NIGHTMAN: Don't we all...

[Focus on Ran, in the outfit from before]

RAN: And with that, the time has come to...THROW IN THE TAO!!!
<aside> And this embarassment!

[1] See the fanfic series, "Urusei Yatsura The Senior Year" to learn
   the full context of the statement.
[2] "Queen of Shibuya" is the self-given title of one Kotobuki Ran,
star of the anime series "Super-GALS! Kotobuki Ran."

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